Across The Universe
by Beth Pryor
Summary: Following his accident, Ray returns to Baton Rouge for a time of recovery and rehabilitation, but unresolved issues in Chicago follow him as he attempts to determine which path he wishes his life to take. Spoilers for Season 13 onward. Now Complete!
1. The Funeral March of Ray Barnett

**Title:** Across The Universe

**Author:** Beth Pryor

**Rating:** T

**Summary:** Following his accident, Ray returns to Baton Rouge for a time of recovery and rehabilitation, but unresolved issues in Chicago follow him as he attempts to determine which path he wishes his life to take. Spoilers for the end of Season 13 and all relationships pairings that implies.

**Disclaimer:** ER belongs to the good folks who created it and put it on the air. I'm just borrowing their characters and injecting a few of my own ideas. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Author's Note:** This is my first ER fanfic, even though I've watched the show from the very beginning. I don't have time to write this, but I'm doing it anyway. I hope you enjoy!

* * *

**Across The Universe**

Chapter 1 – _The Funeral March of Ray Barnett_

Ray Barnett wasn't dead, but really, he might as well have been. He was fairly certain that his life could not get any worse. Leaving Chicago earlier that day had been bad enough, especially after Neela had shown up at Northwestern as he was on the way out. He'd been hoping for a clean break from the city and her, but she'd found him and she'd insisted on making sure he was "okay." Obviously, he wasn't okay.

Now he was about 30,000 feet above the earth in a First Class seat. Life should be good, but he wasn't sipping champagne with his arm around some supermodel. Instead, his mom was flagging down the stewardess to get some ginger ale and another airsick bag. He'd thought the morphine had been bad, but the Fentanyl patch had jacked him up. He was still in pain; he assumed that wasn't going to change anytime soon. He was well aware that the stimulation of the opioid receptors was supposed to make him not care about pain even though he still felt it. And he didn't care, but that was because he was too busy vomiting. He couldn't decide what was the worst part, the pain, the vomiting, the constipation that was sure to come, or the overall situation that had led to him being drugged up and puking beside his mom on an airplane. He decided to go with "all of the above" right before his mom shoved the bag in his hands and he went at it again.

No, check that. The worst part was watching his mom. For as long as he could remember, it had been just the two of them. It wasn't as though Jacy Barnett wasn't an attractive woman; she was very attractive, and there had been many would-be suitors. But she wasn't interested in anything other than making sure he had been safe and happy and had everything that he'd needed as a child. As he aged, he realized how much of her life she had given up for him. He worked hard in school to earn a scholarship to LSU. When he'd actually applied himself in school, he found out that he enjoyed learning, and he was good at it.

Ray had loved college. He was handsome, popular, smart and confident – everything a successful coed needed to be. During his sophomore year, he and a few guys he knew on campus had formed a band. All those music lessons his mom had insisted upon finally paid off. They were surprisingly pretty good and quickly found most of their weekends booked with gigs which meant girls and money. Ray had saved well, not only from the band but also from a variety of odd jobs that he juggled throughout the year, so that when his advisor had suggested that he apply to medical school, the staggering cost of attendance wasn't so far out of range. His mother had been so proud but lamented over how in the world they could possibly afford it. Ray confidently told her not to worry about it; he had it all under control. He'd never felt more like a man in his life. Of course, there _were_ loans, but his mom didn't need to know about that. When he finished and got a job, there'd be plenty of money and no need for her to know later, either. He had taken care of it all, and soon, he'd be able to take care of his mom, too.

Actually, his mom had been taking care of herself pretty well lately. The last time he'd gone home for the holidays, he'd been introduced to Jack Adams, a real-estate developer from Nashville who had relocated to Louisiana post-Katrina. It was almost as though she finally believed that she could be a woman as well as his mom now that Ray was settled in Chicago. Jack seemed like a stand-up guy, and it was obvious that Jacy enjoyed his company. In fact, they had been away for the weekend when the hospital had attempted to contact her. Ray hated to have to intrude on her life now that she was finally living one of her own, but he didn't know of any other option.

Luckily, money wasn't going to be a problem, at least not for a while. The company who owned the truck that had hit him wanted quickly to settle things, and the Barnetts didn't want to have to worry about ongoing litigation halfway across the country. Apparently, it hadn't mattered too much that Ray had been as drunk as shit when he stumbled into the street, trucks still weren't allowed to hit you. And if they did, the company paid. His lawyer had encouraged him to settle when the company offered $10 million. Ray had no idea how much his new life was going to cost, but he guessed that would be a good start. The first order of business was to pay off his loans, just so his mom didn't have to worry about that, too. Next, he'd be focused on rehab; he really didn't have anything else to do. He'd seen all the stuff on TV about the troops returning from Iraq and shit, and Neela had told him about the guys Michael visited at the VA, so he knew that his life didn't necessarily have to be over if he didn't want it to be. He just wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew he didn't want to sponge off of his mom or disrupt her life any more than he had too. The money would see to that, and he guessed he'd see where rehab would get him.

He glanced over at his mom who was trying to pretend that she wasn't watching him. Sighing, he put his head back against the seat. His mother turned to him.

"Do you need anything, honey?" she asked, lightly rubbing the flesh on the inside of his right wrist with her thumb just as she had when he'd been too afraid to sleep during thunderstorms or after watching a scary movie on TV that she had forbidden him to see.

"Maybe just some water?" he asked hoarsely. His mouth tasted incredibly gross and it was dry, as well. She turned to grab a sweating bottle from the tray table in front of her. As she handed it to him, he grabbed her wrist. "I'm really sorry about all of this, Mom."

Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She took her other hand and held his in both of hers. She coughed lightly and eventually spoke.

"It'll be okay. I'll make sure it is." She vowed.

"Mom," he tried to protest, but Jacy just shook her head. Ray gave up, too weak to get into anything with her now, anyway, and slumped back into his seat. The Captain interrupted the moment with the announcement of the impending landing, confronting Ray with a brand new set of terrifying situations.

Trooping through O'Hare in the freak parade was one thing, but Baton Rouge was home. It was not all that likely that he would run into someone he knew, but all those people staring at him – he just wasn't sure he could do it twice in one day. Oh, God. What if he got sick again? He prayed to every deity he could think of that it wouldn't happen, at least not until they made it through the terminal.

When the plane landed, Ray and Jacy were met by a Skycap with a wheelchair. He accompanied them to the baggage claim where the crew from the rehab hospital was waiting to collect him and his things. The attendants helped him transfer from the airline's chair to his own, which miraculously had arrived without incident or injury. They loaded his luggage onto the van, which looked more like a short bus than Ray was comfortable with, but screw it; he didn't have any pride left anyway. This was his life now. He wheeled himself onto the ramp and sat helplessly as he was lifted into the vehicle. Inside, his mom helped him secure the chair with a safety strap and they were on their way.

Ray stared silently out of the window throughout the entire trip. He was exhausted. Hopefully this wouldn't be like drug rehab where they assembled everyone for an impromptu group session when a new person came in. He wasn't sure why he had thought about that. Probably too many movies or too many episodes of Intervention. Before he could contemplate it any further, they pulled up in front of the facility. They unloaded him, his luggage and his mom and followed them into the lobby where a somber-faced Jack Adams was waiting. The sight of Ray took his breath for a second, but he recovered quickly, stepping forward to shake Ray's hand.

"You're all checked in, Ray. These folks will help you get settled in, and your mother and I will be right here if you need anything."

Ray thanked him. Jacy leaned in to kiss him, and then he followed the nurse and two orderlies down the hall to his room. When they arrived, they helped Ray unpack some of his things. The nurse helped him freshen up a bit before the orderlies moved him into the bed. She took his vitals, checked his pain level and explained the daily routine to him. She further explained to him that his physician and rehab team would meet with him the next day to set forth a plan of action but that if he needed anything between now and then, he could call for her at the nurse's station. Ray thanked them all for their help but really wanted to do was sleep. Before he was able to, though, his mom popped her head in through the door. He smiled tiredly and waved her and Jack into the room.

"Are you all settled in?" she asked quietly, noting the heavy lids blinking in an attempt to stay open for a few minutes more.

"I'm fine. You should go home and get some sleep. I have a feeling I'm going to be pretty busy for the next few days, but I'll call you as soon as I know what's going on," he assured her.

"As long as you're okay."

"I'll be fine, Mom. I just need to sleep now."

"Alright. I love you Ray and I'll see later."

"Thanks, Mom. I love you too." He didn't even make it to goodbye before he fell asleep. Jacy and Jack stayed a few moments more to be sure he was asleep. When she was satisfied that he was, Jacy allowed Jack to lead her to his car waiting out front. He opened the door of the passenger's seat for her and she slid in. By the time he had gotten around to his side of the car, she had broken down into sobs. He reached across the center console and pulled her close to him. Her breath came in choppy heaves as she tried to speak.

"Shh," Jack soothed. "Take a deep breath," he encouraged as he slowly rubbed her back. Although she tired, all she could do was continue to weep into his shoulder. Finally, she breathed out a few words.

"Oh, my baby," she whispered.

Jack smoothed her hair and held her. "I know, love. I know," was all he could manage and he struggled to hold back his own tears. He wiped his eyes and put the car in gear all the while holding Jacy close.


	2. Make A New Plan, Stan

See first chapter for disclaimer and summary.

* * *

Chapter 2 – _Make A New Plan, Stan _

Alyssa Bradford didn't particularly delight in assaulting patients before they had a chance to wake on their first morning, but she found it was the best and easiest way to assess their demeanor. Granted, some people just aren't morning people, but it allowed her to evaluate their fire, first off, and then also how quickly they could act in a civil manner. Besides, it wasn't as though she was waking them at the crack of dawn; her shift started at nine. Still, most of the patients had come directly to HealthSouth from various hospitals where they had undergone major procedures and had subsequently been kept up half the night by the house staff for days afterward. Most of them were completely wiped by the time they arrived to her. That's why she insisted on letting all her patients have the first night free of interruption. Other than the bare minimum of nightly checks by the nurses, her patients were allowed to sleep until she woke them on the morning of their initial evaluation. Now, at 9:15 with her PDA containing his e-chart in hand, Alyssa started off toward room 213 to wake her newest patient.

She glanced in through the open door but the privacy curtain obscured enough of his head area that she couldn't tell whether he was sleeping still. She walked carefully into the room, not wanting to startle him. After only a few steps, she was able to see that he was indeed asleep. She crossed around behind the bed to the empty armchair. Lowering herself to the very edge of the chair, she reached out and gently touched the back of his hand.

"Dr. Barnett?" she coaxed. "I need you to wake up, please."

The man in the bed stirred but didn't immediately open his eyes. She hated to have to open the blinds on him, especially since she had always hated when her mother had come into her room every morning before school and thrown on the light, but it was her patented next move. She decided to warn him, though.

"Dr. Barnett, I'm going to open the blinds to let a little more light in, but I need you to wake up so we can talk for a moment."

Ray was awake, but for the past week, waking up was the very last thing he wanted to do. Waking up meant remembering all over again where he was and what had happened. This morning, even without opening his eyes, he remembered where he was almost instantly. There hadn't been any kick-ass dreams about winning Grammys or banging Victoria's Secret models; he'd been too tired for that. But still, he wasn't really looking forward to meeting the cheery voice addressing him. At least they had let him sleep pretty much through the night. Well, he thought, here goes nothing. And everything. He yawned and stretched his arms overhead as he swiveled his neck to work out a slight kink. Finally, he rubbed his eyes and opened them.

Alyssa was almost finished with the blinds when she heard him stirring again in the bed. She turned just as he opened his eyes and blinked to adjust to the light. She moved back to the chair and took a seat so that their eye lines were level. She was getting ready to introduce herself when he spoke.

"Just call me Ray," he croaked, his voice still longing to be asleep like the rest of him.

"Ok, Ray," she smiled. "I'm Dr. Bradford. I'm a physiatrist and I'll be heading up your rehab team." He nodded and inhaled a few times through his nose like people did when they first woke up. She continued. "You'll be meeting everyone in just a little bit, and your therapies will begin today. Your OT will be in to help you get cleaned up and dressed after breakfast and then we'll do a pretty thorough H&P as well as a PT evaluation to see where you're starting from." He nodded again, rubbing his eyes. She was content that he was awake enough to comprehend the conversation so she pushed on. "One thing I need you to do for me today is to express to us what your goals are at this point. Long-term, short-term, whatever. I just need a starting point, and then we'll go from there."

Ray rolled his eyes but instantly regretted it. This lady seemed nice enough, albeit way too cheery at what, 20 past nine in the morning. "Um," he started, trying to think of what to say, "I don't know. I haven't thought about it."

"I'm not asking for a 10 year plan, Ray." She was firm but kind. "What do you want to accomplish today?"

He thought for a second, realizing that this chick meant business and that he needed to give her some sort of answer or she was going to bug him until he did. "I guess I'd like to take a shower," he decided.

Dr. Bradford beamed. "There, that wasn't too bad, was it?" She stood and patted his arm softly. "I'm going to leave you with that for now, but I want you to seriously think about goals. We have some for you, but I want to make sure we're all on the same page, ok? I'll send in your breakfast and then we'll se if we can get you a shower." He nodded as she started toward the door.

"Dr. Bradford?" he addressed her disappearing form. She stopped and turned to face him. "Thank you." She nodded and left the room.

At the nurse's station Alyssa instructed the staff to send in Ray's breakfast while she gathered the rest of her team in the conference room. She went over the chart with Tricia, the OT and Darren, the PT who would be working with Ray as Dr. Alan Gault entered the room. He would be the psychiatrist on the case. Alyssa finished the rundown for Tricia and Darren before turning to Dr. Gault.

"What do you think?" he asked her, knowing that she was quite adept at reading a patient in the first wake-up meeting.

"You know, Al," she began, "This guy's kinda hard to read. He wasn't too anything. Rolled his eyes a little, nonverbal answers, but he came up with a today goal pretty quickly and then thanked me on the way out. I'd say he's still working things out in his head, and I'd say he's going to need your help with that."

Dr. Gault nodded. "Ok. Well, we already know he's a highly motivated individual who's worked a high stress, high profile job. Those facts are all in his favor. You say the family support is strong?"

Alyssa nodded, "Yeah, his mom arrived with him yesterday and I'm guessing the stepfather took care of all the arrangements."

"Well, I'm going to give him a day or so to settle in and think about things before I go prying. I'm sure you all will take good care of him in the meantime. Keep me posted on any developments or anything you think might be pertinent and I'll do the same. I'd like to schedule him for a 50-minute session a day for the rest of this week, so just let Cathy know when that works into the routine you have set up and she will put it on my schedule."

Dr. Gault excused himself from the gathering to meet with a patient as the others turned back to the treatment plan. Darren was the next to ask a question.

"You think he's going to go along with the full recovery scenario?"

"I hope so, Darren. He's young and healthy. There really is no physical reason why he shouldn't be running marathons in 18 months, 2 years? You all know that. I know that, but it's another thing to convince patients of that."

"But he's a doctor, shouldn't that help him out?" piped Tricia.

"Again, I hope so, but you know they always say that doctors make the worst patients. I know I do!"

Darren laughed, "Yeah, I know how you get during flu season. If you'd just take the damned shot, you could avoid it altogether, but no, you have to be stubborn and get sick and try to infect all the rest of us."

"Hey!" Alyssa scoffed mockingly. "This session is not about me and my fear of the flu shot." The other two smiled and shook their heads. She sobered, "I guess it comes down to this: Does he want to be running marathons in 18 months or does he want to be sitting in his old bedroom in his mom's house? You know as well as I do, that's the determining factor." Tricia and Darren nodded. "And it's our job to make sure he chooses the marathons."

* * *

A/N: Wow! Thanks so much for the reviews. I have stories in other fandoms that don't even have 9 reviews, total. You guys are great. I will try to answer your questions by PM as much as possible, as we really aren't supposed to address reviews in the body of the text, but in the case of an unsigned and untraceable review, I guess I have to do it here. 

1) I've seen every episode of ER, and Ray has given continually conflicting information regarding his family and backstory. While the term "parents" is very clearly used in "The Honeymoon is Over," I needed him to be the son of a single mother in this fic. It's my fault for not speciflying the universe in which I had chosen to write.

2) The law suit "payout" is also a major plot point which will come into play very soon.

3) As for flying following major surgery, a patient is at an increased clotting risk for several weeks, but Ray would most likely be on a twice daily dose of a low molecular weight heparin following his surgery until he becomes more mobile or is switched to Coumadin for DVT prophylaxis. Additionally, he would be wearing pressure dressings for stump formation that would also decrease the risk of DVT. The so-called "economy class syndrome" to wich I'm assuming the reviewer was referring is related more to being unable to move around for extended periods of time coupled with dehydration and much more loosely to the actual act of flying, specifically in flights over 10 hours. However, it's also likely that a person riding in a car for that long, say a cross-country trip, could develop a DVT under similar conditions here on the ground. Since, according to travelocity flight plans, the flight time on a non-stop from Chicago to Baton Rouge is approximately 2 hours 10 minutes, flying would be a much safer option for limited mobility than the more than 13 hour drive.

But thanks so much for your reviews and for keeping me on my toes (and discovering a few of my major plot lines which will definitley play out throughout the course of this fic). I hope you all keep reading and reviewing, but since I'm taking my USMLEs on Monday, I may have to delay updates until after then.


	3. Desperately Cose to a Coffin of Hope

A/N: Again, thank you all so much for the fabulous reviews. You make me want to write more and faster! As I replied to some, the main holdup right now is careful research to make sure the story is as true to real life as is possible. That being said, this chapter contains a good bit of technical information.

Disclaimer and information can be found with the first chapter.

* * *

Chapter 3 – _Desperately Close to A Coffin of Hope_

After breakfast, Ray met Tricia and Darren. They came to help him take the shower that Dr. Bradford had promised him a little while earlier. Tricia was the first through the door. The fiery red tightly coiled curls cascading over her head bounced in time as she bounded into the room at the exact same moment as a food service worker was clearing Ray's breakfast tray. She nearly knocked over the woman and her cart in the process.

"Sorry!" she exclaimed as she jumped back out of the way, her face turning as red as her hair. Ray couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm and the overall cheerful mood she seemed to bring with her into the room.

Darren entered more cautiously after having allowed the lady and her cart to exit before him. He just shook his head at Tricia who glanced back at him with a guilty little smile and a shrug of her shoulders. He shook his head again and moved over to introduce himself to Ray. Tricia followed closely behind. Ray quickly noticed that she didn't actually walk; the bouncing was an all the time thing. She couldn't have been much more than five feet tall and probably didn't even weigh 100 pounds, and Ray wasn't sure how she contained that much energy inside such a tiny body. Darren, on the other hand, was tall, broad, and imposing. With shoulders that spanned nearly the breadth of the doorway, Ray assumed that he had been, and maybe still was, a serious athlete. Ray guessed football, probably a linebacker. He seemed the quieter and more serious of the two, and Ray could tell by the look in his eye that he was all business.

Both of the therapists shook hands with Ray and welcomed him warmly. They explained that they would be the primary members of his team for the next few months and that their primary focus was getting him back to his life. Ray nodded politely feeling the sincerity of their delivery but not really believing the content of the message. He desperately wanted to believe it, but he just couldn't.

As they prepared to help him move to the wheelchair, Ray realized that his rehab had begun full force. Darren instructed him on how to perform the motions and was close by to support, but the actual moving was all Ray. The going was tough; just getting from the bed to the chair and then from the chair to the shower chair plus undressing took him longer than the entire morning routine that he had completed every day for as long as he could remember. However, he had to admit that an extremely satisfied feeling crept over him as he realized that he had done the heavy work by himself.

Tricia removed the original rigid dressing and instructed him on how to cover and protect the incisions which were still stitched and healing. She also helped him position the hand-held showerhead and his toiletries. She closed the frosted door, he threw her his towel, and he turned on the water. For a few minutes he let the water run over him as he tried to think about what he wanted from his life. He was doing it partly because Dr. Bradford had asked him and partly because he knew he needed to do it for himself. But as he tried, he couldn't even imagine what realistic goals for his life would even entail. Would he always be dependent on other people, on his mother? He didn't think he could live like that.

Wait, no. He knew it wasn't that bad. The very worst possible scenario was that he would have to use a wheelchair, and people in wheelchairs could live independently. They could work regular jobs and participate in most normal activities. Sure, there were modifications needed, like for driving and stairs and stuff, but it was totally manageable. He guessed he really could pimp out in the wheelchair with flames on the side and cruise around in the van if it came down to that. Some girls were all about vans, and hell, even Lt. Dan got some ass every once in a while. It would suck majorly, but he guessed he could do it. Maybe. He wasn't too jazzed about the idea, but it _was_ the worst-case scenario.

The second option was prosthetics. His first thought was that it would have to be better than a wheelchair, but he wasn't completely sure of that, either. For some reason he'd watched this C-SPAN thing on wounded soldiers at Walter Reed a few years back. Most of them had lost an arm or a leg or more. The reporter had shown them in PT, and the soldiers had spoken rather candidly about their rehabilitation prospects. And even though Ray remembered watching the show, he couldn't remember how it ended or if any of the soldiers resumed anything that resembled a normal life. Except the woman who ran for Congress. She had been on there. It looked like she was getting along okay.

But she wasn't an ER doc at a major trauma center. She didn't have to stand up for 12 hours or longer at a time. She didn't have to be able to save patients' lives without worrying about falling down or looking stupid. Stop. He didn't have to think about this now. He couldn't think about this now. Besides, he didn't even know if he still wanted to be a doctor, in an Emergency Room, in a trauma center, in Chicago, with Neela. He was thinking too much. There would be time for all of these thoughts later, much later. He had other stuff to deal with now. He finished as quickly as he could and cut the water.

Tricia had given way to Darren, who threw Ray a towel and helped him dry off and dress. They made their way back to the bed where Tricia was waiting. She started going over the basics of care for his "residual limbs." Ray found himself almost wanting to kiss her for using that term. He didn't think he could talk about "stumps" yet. The part about the healing flaps had been enough for a while. He thought about times when he'd probably been indifferent at his use of medical terminology and slang around his own patients and cringed at the thought of how much of a douche bag he could be sometimes. It would be extremely cliché to change his ways now, but what the hell, his whole life was about to become a cliché anyway.

By the time he was dressed and re-wrapped in elastic bandages, Dr. Bradford arrived. As she took a seat beside the bed, she handed him a folder containing several articles case studies involving treatment options for bilateral transtibial amputations. The first was an article from the Journal of Prosthetics & Orthotics in which the patient had been fitted in the operating room with what the article called rigid dressings, pylons and feet. Basically, they had put this guy in two casts to protect the limbs and control swelling. Then, they attached tubes to the casts for spreading out the weight distribution so that the healing parts wouldn't carry the weight. Finally, they stuck some feet on the end. Ok, that was interesting enough. He skimmed down the page and found that he was reading more carefully the further he got into the article. They claimed that they had a patient walking within two days of having both his lower legs amputated. Ray glanced skeptically back at Dr. Bradford.

"Is this for real?" he asked.

She nodded. "It's a relatively old idea that's recently come back into practice with some people. In young, healthy patients, particularly those with traumatic amputations, it's possible to have them ambulating within a day or so of surgery. It actually speeds the process for prosthetic fitting. The subject in that study began fitting for permanent prostheses at about 6 weeks as opposed to 3-6 months."

Ray flipped through a few more of the articles. "But this says that it's done immediately after surgery. I'm more than a week post-op."

Dr. Bradford nodded again. "It can be done immediately or within a few days. You may be a little farther out that some of the case study patients, but I think we should still try it. You were already fitted with rigid dressings, you're in good shape, and if you have pain or wound breakdown, we'll stop. As long as you can control your weight bearing with your upper body and you're here for us to monitor you and your residual limbs daily, I feel confident that it will work."

Ray chewed his bottom lip as he considered the idea. "What are my other options?" he asked, feeling very much like the confused patient that he now was.

Dr. Bradford rummaged through the articles and pulled out two more comparing a more traditional approach and the Immediate Post-Operative Prosthetic or IPOP method. Ray looked carefully over the pages, silently weighing the pros and cons.

"And if it doesn't work? I know you told me, but what happens then?" he implored, struggling to keep it all straight in his mind now feeling even more sorry for patients on whom he'd sprung the idea of complicated procedures and expected informed consent in a matter of moments.

Dr. Bradford scooted her chair a little closer to Ray and pointed out a highlighted section on one of the articles. "Right here. We can continue to use the pylons, I prefer plastic because they're easy to fit and can be removed, for protection and to shrink the limb. We'd stop the weight bearing and wait for you to heal. Then we'd start again."

Ray nodded. It seemed like a good idea, and even though he could tell it was what she wanted him to do, she wasn't pushing it on him. She gave him information on all the options and explained them as neutrally as she could. Then, she gave her recommendation. She operated according to the textbook model of shared decision-making. His med school ethics professor would love this woman!

He'd made up his mind. "How do we do it?" he inquired.

Dr. Bradford explained that they would meet with the prosthetist who would then fit the plastic molds to his specifications and attach the feet. "Darren and Tricia will have you standing by the end of the day," she added.

For the first time since the entire ordeal had begun, Ray saw the slightest glimmer of possibility. "Then what are we waiting for?" he whispered, _almost_ daring to hope.

* * *

Information taken from: 

1) Post-Operative Prostheses Beneficial After Amputation by John Rheinstein, CP published in inMotion, a Publication of the Amputee Coalition of America, Volume 10, Issue 2, March/April 2000.

2) Ambulation on Postoperative Day 1 after Bilateral Transtibial Amputation: A Case-Report and Literature review by Lee D. Faulcher, MD and Donald G. Shurr, CPO, PT puplished in The Journal of Prosthetics & Orthotics. 2005, Vol. 17, No. 2, pp. 47-49.

3) C-SPAN interview with wounded soldiers at Walter Reed Army Medical center which originally aired in Spring 2005. It featured Maj. Tammy Duckworth who ran for an Illinois House seat in the 2006 elections.


	4. Nothing Ever Feels The Same

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews. I'm a little apprehensive about this one; I hope you understand the idea. But please, let me know, even if you hate it. I want the scene, but I'm not sure how it reads.

* * *

Chapter 4 – _Nothing Ever Feels The Same_

Alyssa allowed herself a tiny little grin. They were off to a very good start, but this thing was a decathlon on top of a marathon on top of the Daytona 500 on top of the Tour de France, not a sprint. Still, she was encouraged that Ray seemed encouraged. The first days were terrible for everybody, so she tried to get folks standing and walking as soon as she possibly could. That's not to say that there weren't extreme lows later on, but they'd cross those bridges when they came to them. For now, she found herself quite satisfied that Team Barnett was moving forward at the insistence of its most important member, Ray.

"Glenn, our prosthetist, doesn't come here until eleven, so I'll go ahead and do a quick H&P while these guys see their other morning patients," she explained. "I know we're giving you the royal treatment today to get you into the swing of things, but we all have other patients we're following, and we can't neglect them."

Ray nodded, a little disappointed that he wasn't going immediately to the therapy room, although he guessed he'd be spending plenty of time there in the very near future. He thanked Tricia and Darren for their help, and the pair disappeared behind the curtain that Dr. Bradford drew around his bed. He raised his eyebrows as she asked him to remove his shirt.

"You're seriously going to examine me?" he asked.

"Yeah. Don't you examine your patients?" she inquired back.

"Um, yeah, some of them. Most of them have sore throats and stuff, so that's pretty easy," he stuttered.

"You're an R3, right?"

Ray nodded.

"Well," Alyssa continued, "Don't you think it would behoove you to take a thorough history and do a fairly complete exam, especially if you don't have access to all their medical records and don't know their past history?"

"Yeah, but we let the interns do most of that, and the med students. The senior residents mainly supervise…"

"And wait on traumas," interrupted Alyssa.

Ray blushed and smirked his little closed-mouth grin, "It's not exactly like that."

"Sure," she chuckled. "I'm sure you're doing everything you can to clear people out of there as quickly as possible. But you know what, I don't have any residents, so I examine all my patients by myself," she stated, pulling out her PDA and accessing his chart.

"How thorough are we talking here?" he asked. "Am I going to have to turn my head and cough?"

Alyssa shook her head briskly. "We just have to make sure you aren't going to die if Darren pushes you a little."

"Ha!" Ray scoffed. "If the truck didn't do it, I don't think Darren stands a chance."

"You don't know Darren very well yet. He's not nearly as nice as he looks."

"Oh come on, he can't be that bad," Ray pushed.

"You ever heard of water-boarding?" she asked with a mischievous raise of her right eyebrow.

"No one told me this place was under the jurisdiction of the CIA and Dick Cheney," Ray shot back.

Alyssa laughed heartily, pleasantly surprised that he had gotten the joke. "Oh, come on. They do it at SERE school."

"I can't believe you just made a joke about 'interrogating detainees,'" he said as he made the air quotes with his fingers. "And SERE school? What are you G.I. Jane or something?"

"Well," she reflected, "If that term can be considered synonymous with 'Mrs. G.I. Joe', or, ex-Mrs. G.I. Joe, then I guess so. But anyway, we should get started."

Ray nodded somberly as the laughter stopped and she began the exam.

"This is going to be pretty basic – cardiovascular, pulmonary, GI, musculoskeletal, and a quick and dirty neuro."

"That's fine," Ray conceded, "But I'm going to have to warn you right now, I'll not be able to complete the heel-to-toe walk in the cerebellar exam. Come to think of it, the last time I could have done it, I'd have failed anyway," he finished bitterly.

"Ray, that's really not necessary, and it's not funny, either" Alyssa chastised.

"Oh, come on," he sighed, "It was way better than your War on Terror torture bit."

Alyssa did have to give him that. "How about this?" she bargained, "We'll both lay off the jokes and finish the exam so you can get going."

"Deal."

She got on with the exam, systematically inspecting and testing each system component, carefully checking for abnormalities and making sure there was no reason Ray couldn't continue the rehab process as soon as possible. She wasn't expecting to find anything out of the ordinary but felt is was safer in the long run to be thorough from the very beginning.

She first placed the cool metal of the stethoscope on Ray's bare chest. She listened to the opening and closing of his four heart valves as well as the apices and bases of his lungs while inspecting for structural or integumentary irregularities. As she performed the maneuvers, Ray couldn't help but notice the way her silky dark auburn hair fell over her right eye as she tilted her head slightly. The overhead light hit the strand absolutely perfectly, so that it almost seemed illuminated. She looped it behind her ear with her right thumb, moving it out of her field of vision and proceeded to his back. As she reached across the bed for proper positioning of her hands and the stethoscope for the remainder of the pulmonary exam, her chest barely brushed his shoulder sending an electric current whooshing through his body.

He was mortified by his reaction but rationalized that he couldn't remember the last time he'd gone upwards of two weeks without any type of female companionship or release. That had to be what had gotten him all riled up. Nothing more.

She was so close now that all he could smell was the fresh, clean scent of her shampoo. It wasn't heavy or perfumed or floral, just crisp and feminine. Thankfully, she asked him to breathe in and out through his mouth while she evaluated his lung ventilation and excursion before he had completely embarrassed himself.

When she was finished, she helped him lay back with his arms to his sides as she examined his abdomen. She listened first for the proper gastric and intestinal movement before carefully percussing his liver span and gingerly palpating the internal structures, as there were still unhealed abrasions and contusions punctuating the muscular surface of his midsection. Lightly, she ran her finger over the scar left behind following an appendectomy at the age of ten. He tensed his rectus abdominus as she did so.

"Sorry." She jerked her hand back and held it out to assist him into a sitting position. "Is that tender?"

"It's ok. I'm just ticklish," he stammered.

"Me too," she smiled, lightly biting the inside of her bottom lip as she concentrated on the next exam component. She moved in front of him to begin the neurological exam, beginning with his cranial nerves. He found it difficult for his eyes to follow her finger, but not because he had suffered a cranial nerve lesion. If she'd asked, he could have told her that her pupils were 4 mm and symmetrical, as well as surrounded by the most exquisite hazel-colored irises that he had ever seen. Fortunately, she only noticed that he wasn't following along and placed her left hand under his chin to hold it in place.

"Don't move your head, just your eyes," she instructed.

"Right," he nodded, making sure she knew that he understood the directions.

"Stop moving your head."

"Sorry."

She completed the H – shaped movement for verifying the integrity of the third, fourth and sixth nerves. When she was satisfied that his pupils could accommodate a near object, she produced a pen light for testing the pupillary reflexes. She next evaluated the motor and sensory arcs of the fifth nerve. The motor part wasn't so bad. Ray clenched his jaw against her resistance, but when she required him to close his eyes as she wispily fluttered the tips of her fingers across his forehead, cheekbone, and lower jaw for an appraisal of the sensory components, he nearly jumped off the table. Afraid that she had she had aggravated an injured spot on his face, Alyssa pulled her hand back. Again, Ray went with the ticklish defense, and she moved through the other nine nerve group tests and recorded her results on the electric chart.

Then, she pulled her chair up to the bed in front of him. "I know Tricia just applied these bandages, but I really need to take a look if that's ok with you?" she asked rather than ordered.

"Sure, go ahead."

She leaned forward, inadvertently giving him an unobstructed view down the front of her shirt as she placed her left hand on his right thigh and searched for the end of the bandage. Ray thought he might not make it through the rest of this exam if she touched him one more time. He quickly placed his hand on top of hers.

"Can I do it?" he asked. "I need to know what do, and you can instruct."

She sat up straighter. "Good idea."

Ray nodded, relieved, and found the place where Tricia had secured the dressing. Following Alyssa's stepwise directions, he slowly unwound the elastic fabric feeling oddly like a mummy the entire time. He braced himself again for her touch. This time it was featherlike but incredibly short-lived as her gloved hand cautiously but thoroughly examined the incisions and the staples and sutures holding them closed. When she was satisfied that there was no sign of infection or other complication, she helped him wrap them back using new sterile dressings.

She entered her final findings in the chart as Ray tugged his t-shirt back over his head. He was expecting her to leave the room at any moment, and her lack of a white coat was about to give him the perfect view of her departure. However, but before she did so she turned back to him, nearly catching him staring at where he backside had just been, while she picked up the coat from the rolling table to the left of his bed. When had she left that there? As she slid her arms into the sleeves, she retrieved another set of papers from one of the large front pockets along with a pen and extended them both to him.

"Your mom filled out your admission forms, and they pretty much cover the medical history. But I'm guessing you haven't lived at home for a while and there might be additional information you'd need to add. You can drop them off at the desk on your way to the therapy room. Okay?"

Ray nodded, not really wanting this woman to know his medical history, especially the Zoë situation, seeing as he'd harbored almost as many organisms following that particular escapade as the one guy on _Grey's Anatomy_ (not that he watched _Grey's Anatomy_, but Neela TiVo'd it and he had accidentally fallen asleep to a few episodes, or all of the first two seasons). On top of all of that, she had been 15. Well, Bradford didn't need to know everything, just the pertinent medical information. And hey, a little Doxycycline never hurt anyone.

Dr. Bradford silently observed his little internal conflict but caught his attention as he looked up from the forms. "Someone should be here in a little while, as soon as they've finished with their patients and Glenn gets set up. You can just hang out until then."

"Sure. Okay. Thanks," he mumbled as he stared back at the papers. She turned and he heard her start to walk away. "Dr. Bradford," he called. Why was he continually yelling at this woman's back? She pivoted around to face him. "Did I pass?"

She grinned, "With flying colors."

"Great. Alert the President, will ya?"

"Sure." She started to move but stopped. "You know you're the only person who has ever laughed at that joke?"

Ray couldn't help laughing now, but he decided to give it to her as straight as he possibly could. "That's because it's not funny."

Alyssa threw up her hands in defeat, deciding all she could do was agree and laugh with him. At the same time, rationalization or not, Ray was deciding that he needed to hear more of that sound. A second later she turned and was gone.

"What the hell?" he protested aloud to no one after a moment had elapsed. He shook his head to clear it. What was happening to him? All he had to do was look down, and it came rushing back quickly enough. He was pathetic. She hadn't been trying to seduce him or come on to him. She was performing a physical exam, just as he had on thousands of other patients that he wasn't attracted to or trying to turn on. And she was obviously oblivious to any effect she'd had on him. _God_, he was pathetic. Sure, three weeks ago he'd have hit on her. She was cute. But this was not three weeks ago. This was now, and everything was different.

He'd thought, just maybe, if he could forget about everything before, he could possibly make it through this. But glimpses of the past wouldn't stop mingling with his reality, and that was almost more than he could bear. He broke out of thought to realize that he was clenching the bars of the bed with a white-knuckled grip, but he was wary of loosening it. It seemed a metaphor for the grasp holding his emotions in check, keeping him together. Only the second one was much more tenuous. He wasn't sure he could do this.


	5. Belief Builds From Scratch

A/N: This is more filler than action, but I didn't want readers to think that I had abandoned the story. Not at all! It's coming; it's just taking longer than I expected. More soon!

* * *

Chapter 5 – _Belief Builds From Scratch_

Ray didn't have time to think about anything in any more depth, though. Before he even had a chance to settle back into the bed, Darren strode into the room, whistling as he approached. When he glanced at Ray, who still held a death grip on the bedrails, the larger man ceased his whistling and stopped in his tracks.

"What's wrong?" he asked, his brow scrunching into a frown. "Do I need to get the Doc?" he pressed, now very afraid that the ashen Ray was at the very least going to be sick.

Ray shook his head as he tried to slow his breathing and heart rate, both of which were elevated far above normal.

"You sure?" Darren asked further. "If you're sick …"

"No," interrupted Ray, "It's okay."

"You don't look okay."

"I didn't say that I was, but I'm not going to be sick."

Darren walked toward the bed and took a seat in the chair that Dr. Bradford had used earlier. He looked over at the younger man. He could appreciate Ray's attitude but still wanted to make sure that they had their goals aligned.

"You need to talk about anything?" Darren inquired cautiously.

That made Ray smile. For some reason it was difficult for people to see Darren's hulking frame and imagine him a sentimental or emotional person. Really, he wasn't overly emotional, but he knew how difficult Ray's transition was going to be. He also knew that Ray would have plenty of opportunities to talk with Dr. Gault, but sometimes he'd found that patients felt more comfortable expressing their feelings to someone other than the psychiatrist. He just wanted to present himself to Ray as an option.

Again, Ray shook his head. Darren nodded, knowingly. "That's fine. I just want you to know that if you need to air it out, you can."

Ray sighed loudly as he sank back into the bed, finally releasing his grip on the bedrails. "I appreciate it. I just don't think I can right now," he lamented.

"That's fine. Just don't wait too long." Darren advised, sensing the need to change the subject. "We do need to talk about what's going to go on today and over the next few weeks, though."

Ray pulled himself forward so that he was sitting up a little straighter to show Darren that he was ready to take in all that the other man had to say. Darren took this as his sign to begin.

"In a few minutes, I'll take you down to meet Glenn Rhoades, our prosthetist and to check out the therapy rooms. We'll assess your current fitness levels and move forward with the agenda Dr. Bradford gave you this morning. By the time we discharge you, though, you'll have to achieve each of the listed functional activities either by yourself or with assistance. While you're here we'll be working on those as well as strength building and flexibility exercises. You'll continue similar therapy as an outpatient until as you're able to bear more weight. Finally, we'll start fitting you for the final prostheses. That will take some time as your limbs will continue to change size over time. In the meanwhile, the sockets can be adjusted as needed to keep you walking. I know you haven't had a lot of time to look over the literature, but do you have any questions for me right now?"

Ray had many questions, but only one which absolutely needed to be answered at exactly that moment. "You said 'with assistance.' Does that mean my mom is going to have to help me?"

Darren could tell this was a hot button issue with Ray, so he chose his words carefully. "It's highly likely that you will require assistance with some everyday activities for a few weeks. You'll definitely need help with steps, and probably with walking in general. Obviously, you took a shower this morning by yourself, so you should be fine with things like that.

"Once you meet the minimum requirements set forth in the literature, you can be discharged. I'm not sure how much longer insurance will pay for you to be an inpatient. It depends on the company and the patient progress."

Ray nodded yet again and found that he was starting to feel like a bobble head doll. Darren's words eased some of his fears, though. If the issue was insurance payment, Ray could easily sidestep that because his situation was markedly different. Assuming the payoff had happened as his lawyer had assured him it would, he would be able to pay the appropriate fees. Still, he knew that a hospital, even this rehabilitation center, wasn't a hotel. He'd have to show continued progress and benefit from the inpatient setting to maintain that status and to make sure that he didn't have to be any more burden on his mother than was absolutely necessary.

"Anything else you need to know right now?"

"No. Thanks, man. I think I'm good, but if I think of anything else I'll let you know." Ray promised. He was feeling better again, much more optimistic. He loathed the lability of his moods but he seemed, for the moment, unable to control them at all. Well, at least right now he seemed to be in a good one. He decided he'd take whatever he could get. Darren seemed to sense this resolution and moved the wheelchair closer to the bed for Ray to transfer. They headed down the hall past the nurses' station where Ray dropped off the history forms and on to the main therapy room which adjoined the prosthetist's office and work area.

Glenn Rhoades was waiting with Tricia when Ray and Darren arrived in the therapy room. Darren introduced the two and the four of them began discussing more plans for the day. Glenn began with some rudimentary measurements of Ray's residual limbs before the therapists moved him on to a fitness assessment. Ray had suffered several less severe but still bothersome injuries in the accident. Even though Dr. Bradford's initial assessment had found him fit to continue, Darren and Tricia had to be completely certain that none of these knocks would present any additional barriers to restoring Ray's mobility. All parties were pleasantly surprised to find that Ray had healed sufficiently for supporting the majority of his weight. However, Darren made a mental note to keep an eye on Ray's left shoulder where a combination of indigo colored contusions and scarlet streaked road rash crept laterally across his collarbone and down his upper arm, largely distorting the tattoo underneath.

Following the fitness test and while they waited for Glenn to prepare the plastic molds, Tricia took the time to see another patient, leaving Ray and Darren alone again. Darren was pleased to see that Ray's emotional and mental states had improved. He decided to chance bringing up a few more logistical issues that Ray would have to consider while he was in a better mood.

"Where's your pain level right now, Ray?"

"I guess I'd say six. Why?"

"They usually do this while you're still under general anesthesia so that your pain scale is set from that point," Darren explained.

"So, how bad is it going to be?" Ray inquired.

Darren rubbed a hand over his close shaven head. "It's hard to say, but I'd estimate at least an eight. More likely nine. What are you taking for pain now?"

"Transdermal Fentanyl for another day, but I was hoping to talk to Dr. Bradford about stepping down to something oral. Maybe I should just wait and see what happens, though."

"That probably would be best for now to make sure that you're covered." Ray nodded as Darren continued. "Whoever is going to be helping you out at home is going to need to go through a lot of the rehab process with you, too."

Ray's face fell. "I don't want my mom seeing this. Maybe later on when I've worked out some stuff, but not now. I can't do that."

"Ray, you're going to have to have help. Especially with the treatment plan you've decided to follow. You can't do this alone. I was under the impression that you had strong family support, that you and your mom were close."

"It's complicated."

"Well, you'd better figure it out because you need her now and she needs to know that you're going to be okay."

Ray opened his mouth to protest, yet words that he hadn't planned to say tumbled out faster than he could filter or halt them. "We were almost inseparable my entire childhood. My dad left when I was two. I guess that happens more often now, but back then, everybody had two parents. My mom never thought about getting married again, and we made do with each other. I guess as I got older I started to realize that even though she tried really hard to take care of all my needs, it wasn't the same as what all my friends had.

"In my second year at LSU, I moved in with some guys in my band. That was hard on her. It was hard on our relationship. I finished up at LSU and moved to Nashville for med school after that. She wanted me to stay at either LSU or Tulane, but I needed to do my own thing for a while. I know she'd do anything for me, but in some ways, I wanted her to have her own life, too. I left for both of us, and it kills me to have to screw up her life again."

Ray caught himself, stopped, and looked over at Darren sitting on the table beside him. Darren nodded, "Okay," was all he said as he waited for Ray to continue.

But that brief break had been enough time for Ray to compose himself again. He stared down at his hands lying motionless in his lap. He used his thumbnail to start picking distractedly at the calluses on the pads of the pointer and middle fingers of his left hand. The nails were bitten close unlike the right hand where he took care to allow them to grow a little longer. They were a guitar player's hands, not a doctor's hands. He found this just one example of the conflicting dichotomy that permeated the core of his very existence.

No matter how many chords he practiced or songs he wrote and memorized, the commentary inside his head constantly consisted of indications for various trauma procedures, abnormal lab values and differential diagnoses. No matter how much he had loved his own, independent life in which he never had to intrude on his mother's, he longed for the closeness of the relationship that they had shared in the years before. No matter how many times Katey crawled into his bed topless, her eyes and hands inviting him to explore her taut body, he wished that when he opened his eyes or sobered up he would find himself entwined in Neela's soft, dark one instead.

For so long Ray had exhausted himself trying to find the correct balance, and where balancing was impossible, make the right choice or at least the one which would cause him the least amount of anguish and pain. Yet in all the would be's and should do's, finding himself powerless to choose or change anything wasn't ever a scenario he had imagined. He looked up again at Darren who was still watching his patient with concerned intensity. Could Ray trust this guy to help him find his way back? Watching Darren watching him, Ray sensed that he could. There was no way that he could possibly have known all of the thoughts racing through Ray's mind, but Darren just seemed to get it. Now, as though he were actually reading Ray's thoughts, Darren spoke.

"I promise you that you will regain some measure of control over your life. It just takes time. But for now, and really at lots of other times, you need to know how to ask for help and accept it graciously."

Ray knew he was right. Darren continued. "Why don't you call your mom and see if she can come down here this afternoon to see what we're doing?"

It only took a moment for Ray to consider this suggestion before he asked for a phone.


	6. Will I Wait A Lonely Lifetime

Chapter 6 – _Will I Wait A Lonely Lifetime?_

Jacy Barnett hung up the phone elated but feeling guilty at the same time. It wasn't as though she had hoped for Ray to be injured in such a horrific way, but she had desperately prayed that some event in their lives would eventually bring him back home. She completely understood that Ray moving away from her and even from Louisiana was a normal part of growing up. Those were exactly the moments in life she had raised him to be prepared to face. It really wasn't the fact that he had left that had been so hurtful for her; it was the way he had done it. He'd walked out her door, their door, at the age of 20 and had barely looked back. She could honestly count on her fingers the number of times they'd even seen one another in the past eight years. She knew that kids grew up, moved away and got their own lives apart from their parents, but her friends talked about their kids coming home from school with bags of laundry, raiding the cabinets in search of something other than Easy Mac and Ramen packets to commandeer for the good of the entire dorm or apartment. She'd always thought that would be how it was for them, too. But it hadn't been. Not at all.

Now he needed her again. And even though the reason for this need had nearly broken her heart, she had longed for the day when he would allow her back in his life for what seemed like forever. Thus, the guilt. Jack had two grown children and had gone through a similar situation with them when his marriage to their mother had ended. Over time, he had eventually been able to rebuild relationships with his children and encouraged Jacy to take advantage of any opportunity for possible reconciliation. While she appreciated Jack's concern, Jacy's emotions were still conflicted. Jack's children held concrete reasons for their estrangement; Jacy still was at a loss to explain why it had happened between her and her son.

She'd told Ray she'd be there today, of course. He had seemed pleased. Yes, to say she regretted the reason for the call was an understatement, but she couldn't camouflage the gigantic smile that had enlightened her entire countenance as she dialed Jack's number to tell him she would not be available for dinner before running up the stairs to her bedroom to change out of her work clothes into something more comfortable. Ray had asked if she could stop by around 3 pm, but she knew she wouldn't be able to accomplish anything in anticipation of that time. Five minutes later, dressed in lightweight plaid Capri pants, a crisp white polo shirt and modest sandals, Jacy exited her room and started down to close up the office for the rest of the day. On her way to the first floor office where she ran a small real estate business from home, she passed by his room.

The movers had dropped of the remained of his things the day before the two of them arrived back in Baton Rouge. Stopping in front of the door, which was sitting ajar, she peered through the small crack into what had once been Ray's entire world. There had been days some years ago when she would enter the room to clean it or open the windows and find herself collapsed in tears on her bed, but that hadn't happened for a long time now. Over time, she had accepted the fact that he may never return. She'd basically shut the room and barely even glanced at the door as she passed anymore. Ten days ago, when she'd gotten the call from Katey in Chicago (apparently, Jacy wasn't even his emergency contact anymore), she'd not had time to open up the room or clean it at all. She didn't even know if Ray would be able to come upstairs to it, anyway. But all his things had been sent here just the same. Jack had carried the rest of the boxes upstairs earlier in the day but apparently hadn't pulled the door completely closed.

Jacy pushed back the heavy wooden door and squinted as she stepped into the musty darkness, taking a moment for her eyes to adjust. The décor hadn't changed in nearly ten years. One of the later additions to the room, an LSU pennant over the bed, was fuzzy with dust. She ran her hand over the surface leaving a fingertip trail in the dirt. She sneezed as the particles floating in the air tickled her nose. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd been in here, much less the last time she'd properly cleaned. It was too hot to open the windows now, but she'd try to remember to do it after the sun set. Glancing over the rest of the posters that nearly covered the walls, Ray's love of music was evident. The one thing he had come back for in one of the few times he'd returned to the house was his record collection. He had amassed an impressive anthology. As those old vinyl records had made the trip with them, Ray had insisted they be transported in an air-conditioned van. Seeing as many of them had belonged to the father he barely knew, Jacy had easily complied with the request.

She crossed the room and opened one of the top boxes in one of the carefully arranged rows. Inside she found Ray's laptop, power cord and iPod. She dug a little deeper down in the box and found several CDs of his own music recordings. An acoustic guitar leaned against the wall behind the boxes. There was also a keyboard, an amp and two more electric guitars in another corner. She stood up, hands on hips, and surveyed the rest of Ray's things. She grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and began filling it with his belongings. She couldn't know exactly what to choose, but she took her best shot. Something told her to include a certain dark olive t-shirt with a light colored writing that she had found folded on the chair in his bedroom in Chicago. It looked soft and slept-in although it was probably the only article of clothing in the entire room that he had folded. She added it to the top of the bag. As she turned to leave, she instinctively grabbed the acoustic guitar, too. If he didn't want it, she'd simply bring it back.

She left the duffle bag and the guitar beside the front door as she took a moment to turn on the answering service and lock up the office. On her way through the kitchen, she grabbed a packet of granola bars and some fresh fruit as well. She wished she'd had some good old-fashioned junk food and maybe even a box of Lucky Charms, but those items were about the only ready to eat food she had in the house. She placed them in a plastic grocery bag and picked up the other components of her care package beside the door. Her car was in the driveway. As she loaded it up, she decided to stop at the store to collect a few extra things that Ray might need.

At the corner Walgreen's she found books, magazines, a hand-held video game and more snacks for Ray. She added these to the growing mound on the back seat before turning the car toward the rehab hospital.

Jacy wasn't even sure at this point how she'd carry it all inside. It would take two trips at least, and there was a high probability that Ray wouldn't want so many things cluttering up the room. They had told her earlier that he'd only be staying for about two weeks, barely long enough to personalize the place. Ray might not want to do that anyway. But having his own things around him was bound to make Ray feel at least a little bit better. Wasn't it? Jacy sighed, realizing that she had no idea what Ray's reaction to her sudden surge of mothering would be. She only hoped that it was at the very least neutral. She wouldn't dare to hope for more than that.

She drove around for about half an hour, with no mind of the $3.00 per gallon gas she was wasting, since she was so early but finally decided to go ahead to HealthSouth. She parked in a visitor space as close to the front door as was possible to facilitate the transport of everything she had brought for Ray. She slipped the duffle's strap over her shoulder, looped the Walgreen's bags around her left arm and grabbed the guitar with her right. She slammed the door closed and pressed the remote to lock the doors of the car. Carefully but a little clumsily she made her way to the front of the building where she triggered the automatic sensor and the sliding doors parted for her to enter.

Jacy cautiously approached Ray's room. She assumed that he wouldn't be there since he'd asked her to meet him in the therapy room an hour or so later. Still, she wanted to make sure he wasn't in the room when she left the things she had brought for him. She didn't know why she felt so nervous and awkward, but she could barely control the fluttering in her stomach. Ray was her son. She shouldn't feel this way. As she rounded the corner to his room, the door was open, and though sunlight streamed in through the opened drapes, the lights in the rooms were extinguished. She felt herself let out the breath she had been holding in a relieved sigh. On the dresser where Ray had earlier unpacked his few articles of clothes and possessions, Jacy placed the bag she had packed from home along with the things she had picked up at the store. She put the guitar on the sliding table beside the bed. As she started to move toward the door to find someone who could tell her where to find Ray, she glanced once more around the room and decided to tidy up a bit. She pulled the sheets and covers back up to the top of the bed and replaced the pillows at the head of the bed. In the bathroom, she straightened the toiletries and towels hanging askew on the racks. When she finished, she decided it was time to stop delaying her next meeting with her son.

Darren, Ray and Glenn's afternoon had been busy. While Glenn worked on molding the plastic, Darren showed Ray the exercises and stretches he would be doing as part of his rehabilitation over the next few months. Darren also produced a scale, which was more like a mat, on which Ray would be able to measure the amount of weight he would be bearing on his legs. Additionally, they tested and charted Ray's upper body strength and flexibility measurements on a variety of machines. By the time they had completed the preliminary testing, Darren was convinced that Ray was ready to begin, and Glenn had finished with the pylons. Perspiration dripped onto the floor from Ray's face as Darren helped him lower himself into the wheelchair. Darren handed Ray a towel and a bottle of water. Ray wiped his face and took a drink as he tugged at the sweat-saturated shirt plastered to his chest.

"We've barely even started, Ray. Don't tell me you're tired out already," Darren winked.

Ray grinned back at the larger man. "I'm fine."

"Glenn's ready for us as soon as you catch your breath."

Ray rubbed a nervous hand through his damp hair. "Yeah, sure," he whispered, dropping his head slightly.

"Hey." Ray looked up into Darren's face. "You're going to be fine. You're ready for this, and if for any reason you aren't, we'll just slow down."

"I can't believe this is happening to me." Ray sighed. "Why is this happening to me?"

Darren sat down on the table beside Ray so that they were eye to eye. "I can't answer that and neither can you, but it did. And you can sit in a room at your mom's house and drink yourself numb for the next 40 years or you can work through whatever's going on with you, because it's never just this, and have the life you imagined or some variation thereof. But the first thing you have to do is to wrap your head around the fact that this happened. To you. And even though you can't change it, you can dictate how things go from here on out."

Jacy stood outside the rehab gym, her hand bracing herself against the wall as she quietly eavesdropped on her son and this other man. Silently she wiped a tear that had trickled down her cheek. She waited behind the door to make sure they had finished. When she was sure that they had, she popped her head through the door and knocked on the door before walking cautiously into the room. Ray looked up at her and smiled. Although she wanted to run to her son and scoop him into her arms, she kept her pace respectable crossing the room toward him.

"Hi, Mom." Ray grinned at Jacy. "We're just getting ready to start. Your timing is perfect."

Jacy sighed with relief as she reached down to hug him. "Oh, good. I was so afraid I was too early, but I couldn't get any work done waiting, so I just came on over." Ray smiled. His mother hadn't changed a bit. "Ew, Ray, you're all sweaty." Jacy cringed as she finished hugging him. Ray laughed.

"Sorry, Mom. I forgot. Oh, hey, this is Darren Thomas, my physical therapist. Darren, this is my mom, Jacy Barnett."

Jacy extended her hand to the muscular therapist. "It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Thomas."

"Please call me Darren," he smiled, "But it's very nice to meet you too, ma'am. We're going to take good care of your boy here."

"Thank you, Darren. I believe that you will."

Ray cleared his throat. "Darren, did you say that Glenn was ready for us to start?"

"I believe that he is. I'll get Tricia and Dr. B and we'll get things moving." Darren walked into Glenn's workshop where he called the others to the gym. Meanwhile, Ray and Jacy waited in the main room.

"You can have a seat there, Mom." Ray pointed to the table where Darren had been sitting earlier. "That way I don't have to look up at you the whole time."  
"Oh, okay." Jacy nodded, taking a seat beside Ray. He swiveled the chair around slightly so that they were facing one another. "How are you feeling?" Jacy asked.

"I'm fine."

"Ray, please."

"Really, Mom. I'm feeling a lot better. You don't have to worry so much."

She lightly touched the side of his face where most of the abrasions were located. "These look much better, and you seem better, but I'm your mother and that entitles me to all the worrying I want, okay?"

Ray smiled. "Yeah, I know."

Alyssa and Tricia came through the door a few seconds later. As Ray was making the proper introductions, Darren and Glenn arrived with all the necessary paraphernalia and they were ready to begin.

Darren directed the group to the area of the room where the procedure would take place. Ray transferred onto the table as Dr. Bradford and the others explained the entire rehab procedure to Jacy. She nodded, not sure that she was taking it all in, but she trusted that there would be time to work out all of the details later. Dr. Bradford moved to Ray's right side and Jacy stayed on his left. Darren and Glenn stood at the end of the table and carefully fitted and secured the plastic pylons. Ray held the skin inside his bottom lip between clenched teeth and squeezed his eyes as tightly shut as he possibly could. He grabbed his mother's hand firmly. Tears streamed out the corners of his squinted eyelids. He did his best to avoid crying out, but the point came where he could no longer stand the pain. He moaned ever so lightly, and Jacy could barely stand another second of watching her son in pain.

"Can't you give him something?" She asked Dr. Bradford through her own clenched teeth.

Alyssa nodded. "Ray, do you need something more for pain?"

He shook his head. "Not yet," he panted. "I can wait a little longer."

Dr. Bradford placed her hand on top of Ray's. "You let me know when you need it." He nodded, still not able to open his eyes.

When they were finished, Darren asked, "How you doing so far, Ray?"

He carefully paced his breathing to be able to answer. "I'm still here."

"We're going to help you up now. Dr. B has the morphine in her hand, so you just let her know when you need it."

Ray nodded. Darren and Glenn tilted the table forward so that Ray was almost in a standing position. They held him up for a moment so he could acclimate to the change. Tricia took Jacy's place on Ray's left.

Barely able to catch his breath enough to whisper out the words, Ray turned slightly to his right. "I need it now."

Alyssa injected 2.5 mg of morphine sulfate. Within a moment or two, they all felt Ray relax.

"Is that enough or do you need 2.5 more?"

"No, this is enough for now. It's better." He looked at Darren, Tricia and Glenn. "I'm ready." Together, the three therapists and Dr. Bradford helped Ray steady himself on the edge of the table closest to the parallel bars. Just as they had practiced, Ray grabbed the bars. Tricia moved in front of him. Darren and Glenn placed their hands on either side of him to support him as he swung his hips forward. Tricia squared the feet on the scale pad she had placed on the floor. Darren moved behind Ray to steady his hips. Ray's arms tensed under the weight of his entire body. He swayed slightly for a moment but held tight.

"Ray, I'm supporting you from behind and Tricia's in front there. We aren't going to let you fall. I want you to release some of your weight from your arms like we practiced earlier. Stop at around 20 pounds, okay?"

Ray nodded and carefully let his weight go from his arms into his legs. Even with the Fentanyl patch and the added morphine, pain streaked up his legs and seared through every nerve ending in his body. Sweat poured into his eyes. He found he couldn't really control his arms anymore and started to slump. Darren's strong hands held him up, though. He stayed in that position for a few minutes more until he told them he couldn't tolerate the pain any longer. At that point, Darren and Tricia lowered him back onto the table. Alyssa asked again if he needed more pain medication. Ray shook his head as he collapsed triumphantly on the table.

Jacy, who had moved back behind the table during the entire process, now moved forward to her son, a clean towel in hand. He smiled wearily as he took it from her.

"Well, I guess that's a start."

She nodded, not quite trusting words to come out of her mouth right then. Darren spoke up instead.

"It's a great start Ray. There's a long way to go, but you're definitely on your way. We can try it again if you want. Now that you've felt the amount of weight you can handle right now, you'll be able to last longer. Tricia can move the scales out of the way and we can have you take a few steps if you think you can handle it."

Ray was exhausted, but he knew if Darren felt he could handle it, he could. Plus, Dr. Bradford was standing by with more morphine if he needed it. He nodded for them to continue. The table tilted forward again so that he was able to easily grab the walker Darren had placed in front of him to pull himself forward and away from the table. With Darren behind him and Tricia in front he firmly but carefully released more weight into his legs. This time he felt stronger and more in control of the situation. Darren instructed him to take a step. He pushed his right leg forward and then met it with his left. Then, his left leg led and the right followed. After five steps away from the table, Darren helped him rotate to take five steps back. At the end of the ten steps, Ray was quite sure he'd never been so physically and emotionally drained in his entire life. Each step had required absolute concentration and commitment in its thought and execution. Sensing this, Darren helped him back against the table and into a reclining position. He still wasn't done, though. Darren helped him sit up so that he could help remove the outer prosthetic part while keeping the rigid dressing in place. Darren and Glenn also showed him how to remove the plastic pylon for knee mobility exercises. After that, Darren helped Ray transfer back to his chair. Dr. Bradford evaluated him briefly, inquiring about pain levels and such, before she allowed him to head back to his room with a silent Jacy in tow.

In his room, Ray didn't really want to get into the bed while he was still all sweaty. Instead, he decided to stay in the chair a little longer. He was moving around the room, searching the drawers for clean clothes when he noticed his mother standing quietly watching him.

"You can have a seat there, Mom. You're making me nervous like that."

Jacy grinned anxiously. "Sorry. Thanks." She slowly folded into the recliner beside his bed. He had to have seen the things she brought, but he hadn't mentioned them yet. Obviously he had a lot on his mind right now; it would just be nice to know that he had noticed. Jacy said nothing.

After Ray had finished laying out the things he'd need for a shower, he looked over at his mom. "Thanks for coming today. I hope all the information about the rehab process didn't scare you too much. I mean, I'll be able to stay here for a good portion of the time I'll need the type of help they were talking about. I'm going to do my best not to put you out over this."

"Ray, just stop," Jacy interrupted him. "I know you want to do everything by yourself. I understand that about you, I finally do. But you're not ever putting me out. You're my son. There isn't ever anything I'd rather do than be available to you."

"I know, Mom. And it's not fair to you. I want you to have a good life and to get to do the things you missed out on while you were giving up everything for me," Ray protested. "Do you ever think about what your life could have been if you didn't always do what was best for me, if you'd done what you wanted?"

"It wasn't like that, Ray. What did I want to do that I haven't done? I finished school, I started and now run my own successful business, I travel, I'm seeing someone whom I love. What part of this life seems unfulfilled to you?" Jacy inquired. "I don't know who you're selling shorter with that idea, me or you, but either way, I don't like it. And it's not accurate. All moms make some sacrifices for their kids, but I don't feel like I made any more for you than anyone else did for their kids. Where I do feel cheated, though, is these past eight years when you've basically cut me out of your life. That's what's hurtful, and I don't understand it. All I can think is that I must have made your childhood and young adult life so unbearable that you don't want to be around me anymore."

Ray recoiled as though she had slapped him. He'd never even considered her point of view. The last thing he'd ever wanted to do was hurt his mother, and that was the one thing he had definitely done. "It wasn't like that. Not at all. God, I never even thought. I don't know what to say."

Ray moved toward her so that they were almost touching. Jacy took his hand in hers. "Just stop trying to make my life perfect and let me be a little part of yours. That's all I want. Can you do that, Ray?"

"Yeah. I'm really sorry, Mom. I don't know what … I'm just really sorry."

Jacy smiled. "I don't need you to be sorry, Sweetheart. I just need you to be my son."

"I can handle that." Ray leaned forward to hug her tightly. As he leaned back into the chair, he saw the guitar on the table on the other side of the bed. "Hey, thanks for brining the guitar. I was thinking I'm going to need something to occupy my time or I'll go crazy."

Jacy jumped up and grabbed the bags from the dresser. "I brought your laptop and iPod, too. And some more clothes." She pulled the dark olive, folded shirt out of the top of the bag and handed it to him. "I stopped at the store and picked up a few things, too. Just let me know what you need and I'll get them." Jacy looked over at her son who was no longer listening but was staring down at the folded shirt in his lap. Gingerly he ran his fingers over the smooth, worn-in fabric and lifted it to his face in an attempt to capture even a fraction of an olf of the scent he so desperately wanted to smell. "Ray," she asked, concern rising in her voice, "What is it?"

"Neela," he sighed.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for being so patient with me. I'm working. I promise I am. See, I gave you a really long one this time. But the next one is short and (bitter)sweet. 


	7. She Aches Just Like a Woman

A/N: I was going to hold off posting this for a little while longer, but I wanted to get it out there so you all could give me some feedback on the direction. I think hardcore fans will appreciate this one. And to answer Rachel's question, back to Chicago in about a thousand words.

* * *

Chapter 7 – _She Aches Just Like a Woman, But She Breaks Just Like a Little Girl_

Abby Lockhart was already running late. Joe had thrown his peas and creamed turkey baby food dinner all over the high chair, him and her. Then, just as soon as she'd changed his clothes, he grabbed the one plant in the entire apartment and overturned it, spraying dirt and leaves all over the place. She put him in the Pack N Play while she searched unsuccessfully for the broom and dustpan. Finally, she resorted to using two folded newspapers to try to scoop the dirt onto the mat from in front of the sink. She was just getting up off the floor and dusting herself off, trying not to think about how much trouble she was probably going to be in by the time she got to work when the phone rang. She figured it was probably Mrs. Davis asking why she and Joe hadn't gotten there yet. If she stopped to explain why, she'd be another five minutes later. The machine picked up, and the voice on it let her know that she probably wouldn't make it in that evening.

"Abby, it's Neela. Could you please ring me when get a chance. I guess I'll try your mobile."

"Shit, exhaled Abby. She picked up the phone and punched in the number of Neela's cell. A second later, the younger woman picked up. "Neela? It's Abby. What do you need?"

"I'm so sorry Abby, but I'm being released in the morning and they won't let me go back to my, erm, your old apartment if there's no one there."

"Of course you can't do that, Neela. You're staying with us. Joe and I will be glad to have the company." Abby interrupted before Neela even had the chance to ask. "Do they have any idea of when you'll be free to go?"

"I don't know the specific time, but the attending doesn't round until about 11, so sometime tomorrow afternoon. What shift are you working this week?"

"I'm on nights this week, but don't worry. I have the honeymoon days that I never took. I'll just take them now. We'll have the rest of the week to get you settled." Abby decided.

"Are you sure it's won't be a terrible inconvenience?"

Abby smiled. "Of course it will be a terrible inconvenience, but what are friends for?" She heard Neela chuckle on the other end of the line. "Call me tomorrow when you know what time you'll be ready to go."

"I will. Thank you so much, Abby."

"No problem, Neela. See you tomorrow." Abby listened for Neela to disconnect before she pressed the release button on her phone. She then hit speed dial #1 and waited for Frank to answer. Thankfully, he kept his own commentary to a minimum and Pratt was on the phone in about two minutes.

"Abby, where are you? We're already down an attending and a resident thanks to Luka and Ray. I can't ask anyone to work over again."

"Sorry, Pratt. You're going to have to do without me for the rest of the week. Neela's being released tomorrow and she's going to stay here with us. I have to get things ready and then get her settled in."

Pratt mellowed a little at this revelation. "Ok, yeah. Someone has to take care of her and Gates is not an option."

"Yeah, well, so you're okay to cover my shifts?" Abby did not want to get into the whole Neela/Gates thing right now.

"We'll figure it out. You take care of Neela."

"I'll try. Thanks, Pratt." Abby released the call again and dialed Mrs. Davis' number to let her know that Joe wouldn't be staying the night that evening or for the rest of the week. Finally, she threw away the dirt and the remains of the houseplant's demise and scooped Joe out of the playpen. She carried him into the spare room, which thankfully wasn't too terribly messy or dirty. "Auntie Neela's coming to stay with us for a while, Joe. We're going to help her feel all better. Aren't we?" Joe laughed and clapped his hands in response to Abby's smile. Abby busied herself with cleaning the room and preparing for Neela's arrival the next day.

The following afternoon Neela was released from the hospital and Abby and Joe were waiting to bring her home. After nearly two weeks in the hospital for the injuries she had suffered during the anti-war rally on the day Ray left for Baton Rouge, Neela was longing for fresh air. Fortunately, her injuries were more inconvenient and cumbersome than they were likely to cause long-term effects. In addition to the inevitable bumps and bruises, she had cracked a few ribs and suffered a moderate concussion. The most annoying injury, a broken hand would keep her out of surgery for at least three months. Her doctor had suggested that she take that time off to recover fully anyway. She wasn't sure recovery was something she'd ever achieve. Even with pain meds and sleeping pills, Michael, Ray and Tony plagued her dreams.

But Michael and Ray were gone. And even though Tony had found her and taken her to safety, she didn't think that they could ever return to that place where they had flirted with going before. Maybe her doctor had a point. She needed to take some time away from County and doctors and everything that had become her life over the past three years. She'd take some time at Abby's to feel a little better, but then she'd have to do something else. Maybe she'd go back to the UK to visit. It had been ages since she'd seen her parents and her brother. Maybe they'd arrange for her to marry a nice Indian man so she'd never have to worry about these things again. Maybe she just needed to get to Abby's house and lay down for a little while. Yes, that sounded like a good place to start. As long as there was Tequila and Texas Hold 'Em she was sure she'd be just fine.


	8. I Had No Choice But To Hear You

A/N: Thanks again for all your reviews. See the first chapter for all disclaimers and summaries.

* * *

Chapter 8 – _I Had No Choice But To Hear You_

Ray wasn't sure what it was about Alan Gault, but he didn't like him. They'd been seeing each other for hour-long sessions over the past two weeks, but they really hadn't seemed to be able to get past the weird tension between them. Ray had felt it the first time they met, and although he'd tried to connect with the doctor, it just hadn't worked at all. Ray knew that he needed help working through his issues with Neela or his mom and his current situation. Unfortunately, Ray was quite certain this was not going to be the guy.

Alan knew it, too. He also was unable to put his finger exactly on the problem, but whatever the reason, he'd decided to cut back the sessions to half an hour every other day. Ray seemed pleased with the idea. As he said goodbye to Ray and turned to dictate the note for the chart, Alan grimly recalled the sterility of the session. Ray wasn't rude or uncooperative; he just didn't offer any more information than was necessary. They had yet to discuss anything more substantial than baseball scores.

Alan would have to make a point of talking to Darren. Alyssa had told him that Ray and Darren had developed a strong relationship. And honestly, there were times when patients felt more comfortable talking to the physical therapist than the psychiatrist and that suited Alan just fine. He'd tried several times to convince the other man to pursue a degree in counseling, but Darren stood fast to the idea that he could help patients best as a physical therapist. Again, that was fine with Alan, but if Darren was going to serve as this patient's therapist in all senses of the word, they would need to collaborate to make sure Darren was able to elicit the pertinent information for gauging Ray's progress. He turned back to his dictations, resigned to the fact that he may not be the best person to help his patient.

For the rest of the day after leaving Dr. Gault's office, Ray's time was spent primarily with Darren working in the gym. Thankfully, the physical work helped keep his mind off all the other stuff swirling around in his head. He really had appreciated his mom bringing some of his things from home. Music had always been his escape, his sanity. Eddie VanHalen had kept him company the night before, and he was anticipating spending some quality time with Eric Clapton in the hours he spent following dinner in the evening coming. But as much as he relished falling into the melody and escaping at least for a while from the reality of his situation, the t-shirt Neela had "rather liked" wearing would still be lying folded on the bedside table when he came back. On top of that, his mom had told him that Katey had called the house about 50 times in the two weeks he'd been in Baton Rouge. She'd tried his cell at least that many since the last time he checked. He hadn't even listened to the voicemails. He couldn't talk to her yet. And when he finally did, he had no idea what he'd say.

Knowing that these were the issues he was supposed to discuss with Dr. Gault but not wanting to deal with them at all, Ray attempted to pay attention to Darren's instructions for each of the exercises and stretches. Even though he'd had a lot on his mind, physically, he was progressing in leaps and bounds. At this point, he was able to get in and out of bed without assistance. He was even able to walk a fair distance with only the walker. And although he would need help with steps for some time, Darren was confidently planning for his discharge in the next day or two, another idea that completely mortified him.

"Ray," Darren's voice broke through Ray's thoughts. "Are you still with me here or are we done for today?"

Ray hung his head ashamedly. "Sorry, man," he mumbled, "I just can't concentrate right now."

"Yeah, I've completely lost you. Why don't we pack it in for the day? You've worked hard enough."

Ray grudgingly agreed and started moving to the side table where he'd stowed his things earlier. He grabbed a towel and some water while Darren straightened up their workspace. He wasn't looking forward to heading back to the room where he'd be alone with his thoughts just yet, but Darren would have to finish rotating through his other patients. Usually he hung around after his sessions and worked on the weights until Darren finished his day. Several nights a week, they ate dinner together, as well. Ray was trying to decide what to do when Darren called out to him from across the room.

"Barnett, you gonna hang around for a while?"

"Yeah," Ray decided. "I'll be here for a little bit longer."

"Okay, good. We'll talk later."

Ray nodded and moved to an unoccupied area of the therapy room where he could work on his own. He started with strength training and then moved to flexibility exercises. By the time he had run through his entire repertoire, it was almost 4:00. He knew Darren had patients until after 5, so he decided to head back to the room and grab a shower in the meantime. He let Darren know where to find him, gathered up his things and started down the hall to his room.

About halfway down the hall to the nurses' station, Ray found a little boy standing against the wall. He estimated the boy's age to be around 4 years. Ray glanced up and down the hall, and upon seeing no one around to whom the boy might belong, he stopped to see if the child needed help.

"Hi, there. My name is Ray. What's yours?"

The boy stared hard at Ray, as though deciding whether or not he should talk to this person he didn't know. Finally he whispered, "Ash."

"It's nice to meet you, Ash. What are you doing here in the hall?"

Ash chewed on his lower lip and looked up and down the corridor before answering. "Mommy told me to wait for her, but I wanted to see Darren in the exercise room."

At that moment, Dr. Bradford whirled around the corner, more than a touch of fear clouding her eyes. The pitch of her voice was about an octave higher than Ray remembered as she fell to her knees in front of the small child.

"Asher Bradford Harrison! What have I told you about leaving my office?" Ash squirmed against the wall and his mother's grasp on his arm. "It scared me to death when I came out and couldn't find you, and no one else knew where you were, either." Ash ducked his blonde head a little. Before he could answer, Alyssa realized that Ray was there, too. Color flooded into her face. "Ray. This is my son. He was supposed to wait for me in my office."

"I just wanted to see Darren, Mom," Ash finally interrupted.

She turned back to the boy, "Just a second Ash. I need to talk to Dr. Barnett." She swiveled back toward Ray. "He and Darren are good friends. He knows he's supposed to stay with me until Darren is finished with his patients, but I had a meeting that ran late and he slipped out without any of the nurses seeing him. I hope he didn't interrupt your workout."

Ray grinned. "He didn't bother me at all. I didn't know who he belonged to, so I stopped to see if I could help him find where he needed to be."

Alyssa stood up, releasing Ash and resting her hand on top of his sandy head. "He knows where he's supposed to be, don't you Ash? It just isn't always where he wants to be. We're going back to my office until Darren is finished. Can I help you with anything, Ray?"

Ray shook his head and winked at Ash. "Thanks, but I'm good. Darren's almost done, though. He was finishing up with his last patient when I left."

Alyssa took Asher's hand in hers and directed him back down the hall toward the nurses' station and her office. Ray stayed with them until he reached the fork in the hallway leading to his room. Ray turned, but Alyssa stopped him.

"Thanks for checking on him, Ray. I appreciate it."

Ray grinned back again. "It's not a big deal, Dr. Bradford. And it was nice to meet you, Ash." He held out his hand to the young boy. Ash placed his tiny hand in the very large one and shook. "If you see Darren before me, tell him I'll be waiting for him in my room, ok?" Ash nodded and Ray moved on down the hall.

About an hour later, Darren arrived with two cafeteria trays. Ray, having finished his shower, was sitting beside the bed staring at his cell phone.

"You gonna look at that all night or are you going to call her back?"

Ray looked up at Darren and then right back at the phone. "Which one are you talking about?"

Darren shrugged. "Either one. Both. Whatever."

"Voicemail's full. Katey, I guess." Ray mused.

"Could be Neela."

"Just leave it, Darren."

"Fine. But you should listen to the messages. There could be some from people at County."

Ray turned the phone over in his hands and pressed the button to turn it on. Then he immediately turned it off and threw it onto the bed. "Probably not, but what am I supposed to say to them? It's not really the type of conversation I want to have on the phone."

"I'm sure they're worried about you, Ray."

He shook his head. "They probably think I just flaked. Like with the band thing."

"They know you better than that now, Ray. You've proven yourself to them."

"Well, I guess the joke's on them." He turned toward the wall so he didn't have to look at Darren. "I just couldn't handle seeing her with him. I couldn't ever. Even now when I have about a million other things to figure out and to think about, I keep wondering if she's with him. And if I call her then I'll know."

Darren gave Ray a moment to compose himself before he replied. "But if you don't call, you'll never know."

"I don't think I can take that chance. Right now it's just me imagining the worst case, but if I call her and she's with him… Well, I don't know what I would do then." He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't want to stop loving her."

"I know you don't, Ray, but if she's moved on, you have to, too."

Ray chuckled a mirthless laugh. "Who am I even kidding? Who would want to take on all this anyway? It's like I just forget sometimes and think I can just step back into my life, but I can't."

Darren leaned forward in his chair and looked Ray directly in the eye. "I'm going to tell you this, Ray, and I want you to pay very close attention. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that it's not going to matter to people, to girls, because there will be some that think they can't handle it. But things don't always work out in relationships, and as much as you'd like to blame it on a disability, it's much more likely to be an emotional one than a physical one. Don't sell people short before you give them a chance to show themselves. It's not fair to them or you."

"I thought she loved me. I'm almost sure she did," Ray pushed.

Darren tried to make him see things in a different light. "Let me ask you this, Ray. How many people were you with in the time that you and Neela lived together or since she's been single again?" Ray remained quiet and Darren continued. "And when did you start seeing Katey again? And how often did you flaunt that relationship in front of Neela?"

"Yeah, I know." Ray whispered. "I'm not saying it's ever been a perfect situation, but I thought we were going to make it."

"And who says you aren't? You haven't talked to her in over two weeks, Ray. You don't even know if she's tried to get in touch with you. You've shut her out completely."

"I know, but I can't yet."

"Okay, but just think about how she must be feeling not knowing what's happening with you."

"I'll talk to her when I can, Darren. I just can't right now. Let's talk about something else. I met Dr. Bradford's son in the hall this afternoon. I didn't know she had kids. Is she married?"

Darren shook his head. "No. She dated Ash's dad all through high school and college. He was in the military while she was in med school. She did her residency in South Carolina and he got out. I think he worked construction or something for a while. She got pregnant with Ash and they were planning on getting married, but he joined up with one of those contract soldier operations. The word is that she told him that he needed to choose between her and being a soldier. She had the baby, finished up in SC and took this job. July will be starting her third year here. I think her parents live about an hour away. Ash spends a lot of time with them."

"What about the father? Is he in the picture at all?" Memories of his own childhood flashed briefly through his head.

"I don't know. Not that I know of, though. His birthday is in a few weeks, and then he'll be starting school in the fall. He's pretty excited about playing soccer. We've been working on some simple skills, and he's picking it up really well."

"So the two of you are pretty close?"

Darren grinned. "Yeah, I guess we are. I've known him since he was a baby. I guess I just always felt bad that his dad wasn't around and wanted to make sure he had somebody to do guy things with him."

Ray felt comfortable enough with Darren to allow him a little deeper into his life. "My dad left when I was a little younger than Ash is now. It would have been good to have someone like that around growing up."

Darren nodded. "I don't want to do more than Alyssa wants me to, but I thought if it were me or my son, I'd want someone to help him out if I couldn't be there."

The conversation dropped off for a while as they both ate the dinner Darren had brought. When they had pretty much finished, Darren began the questioning again.

"So, you ready to go home?"

Ray shrugged. "Pretty much everything I'm doing now I can do as an outpatient. I just hate going back to my mom's house before I can get around better by myself."

"I know you do. You'll be there soon enough, though. And it really will help her to help you."

"You just have an answer for everything tonight, don't you?" Ray smiled.

"Someone has to have them. Might as well be me."

"You'd better get out of here before they start charging you rent."

Darren glanced at his watch. "Yeah, you're right. You need anything else?"

Ray shook his head. "No, thanks. See you in the morning."

Darren stood up and cleared the trays into the hall on his way out the door. Once he was gone, Ray pulled out his guitar and worked on some new material before finally deciding on a movie and falling asleep, feeling somewhat better about going home, but still amazingly conflicted over the entire situation that existed in Chicago.


	9. Clear Liquor Cloudy Eyes

A/N: Again, thanks so much for the reviews! It's always great to meet new readers and writers. I thank you all for your comments and encouragement.

* * *

Chapter 9 – _Clear Liquor Cloudy Eyes_

Neela had taken up permanent residence on the couch during the hours Abby was at work. When Abby and Joe were at home, Neela retreated into her room to sulk in the dark. She couldn't ask Abby to buy liquor for her, so she made an almost daily trip to the store one block down and two blocks over. As she walked to the store, she dropped the old bottle into a dumpster along the way. That way Abby couldn't worry about what she didn't know. Finding an empty fifth of tequila in the trash every day would definitely make Abby worry. Neela just needed to avoid all of that.

Her iPod buds were continually in her ears blaring all of his favorites from The Ramones and The Clash to Eva Cassidy and Diana Krall. After spending two weeks trying to shut him out of her thoughts, she just wanted to be near anything that reminded her of him. It wasn't healthy but neither were the massive quantities of alcohol she forced her liver to detoxify. But at this moment, it would be the understatement of the century to say that her personal well-being wasn't paramount on her to-do list.

At first Abby chose to ignore her behavior. God knows she understood that the girl needed some time do deal with things. And it wasn't like she didn't know what was going on. She'd spent enough time in the bottle herself to know sneaky drunk tricks, and the lack of empty bottles in the house didn't hide the fact that Neela had been drinking. A lot. Often. A week into their new living arrangement, Abby knew she had to confront her friend.

She chose her off day. After the Nanny took Joe to the park, Abby held her breath and whispered a little prayer (Luka really was wearing off on her) before knocking on the door of the spare room and waiting for Neela to trudge across the room to release the lock. When Neela didn't open the door to admit her, Abby slowly turned the handle and pushed. The stale smell of closed-in human almost bowled her over. She grabbed the doorjamb as she suppressed a retch. Neela sat on the bed facing the wall, her raven tresses dull and matted from God only knew how many days without washing.

"Neela," Abby scolded, "You have to get out of here. This place is toxic." She moved between Neela and the bed to force open the small window on the far wall.

"Bugger off, Abby." Neela snapped. Abby sank down beside her on the bed, wrapped an arm around the frail shoulders and pulled Neela's head onto her shoulder. "Please," was all the younger woman managed before collapsing in heaving sobs in her friend's arms.

Moments later, Neela had quieted some. Abby sat with her still, her hand rubbing small, soothing circles into Neela's back, just as she did with Joe.

"It's okay, Neela. It's going to be okay." She soothed. "You just can't stay like this. You can't stay in here. Why don't you let me run a bath for you so you can get cleaned up?" Neela didn't answer but Abby continued. "Sweetie, you have to." She practically lifted Neela off the bed and into the bathroom where she sat her on top of the toilet lid as the water ran in the tub. When it had almost finished, Abby helped her loosen the splint encircling her left arm pull her t-shirt over her head. Neela slipped off her yoga pants and stepped into the water. She slid silkily under the water, her dark skin dewy and glistening in the steam. When she breathed out a tiny sigh as she relaxed her muscles, allowing her back to rest lightly against the cool porcelain of the tub, Abby felt it safe to leave her for the time it took to open up the room and change out the linens.

About fifteen minutes later Abby came back into the bathroom to check on her. Soap sheen danced across the water and Neela's hair was wet. Abby sat on the toilet lid and looked at her friend.

"Are you feeling better?" she cautiously inquired.

Neela rubbed the washcloth over her face and then her arms as though she were trying to scrub away more than just dirt. As she pulled the wet strands of hair behind her into a ponytail formation and wrapped a loose lock around to secure the hair in place, she looked over at Abby. Sorrow and embarrassment each fought for its rightful place in her eyes. She nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Abby. I'm so sorry for everything."

"It's going to be fine, Neela. You aren't the first person to try to drink away depression. Believe me," replied Abby.

Neela blushed. "I thought I'd hidden it better."

Abby smirked slightly. "Everyone thinks that they do, but it's hard to think through a plan when you're too drunk to stand up."

Neela nodded, ashamed of her actions. She closed her eyes and sighed again. "But that's not all of it Abby." She struggled with whether and how to explain the rest to Abby. Tears welled up in her eyes. Using her good hand, she attempted to rub out the images. Ray at the wedding, waiting upstairs by the window for her to find him. Ray on the patio, the two of them finally able to talk about a future before Hope interrupted them. Ray, drunk and lippy, antagonizing Tony, undoubtedly over her. Then he was gone with no word for almost a week. She'd groped for the key on the top of the doorframe and opened the door, praying that he would be there. It didn't feel right inside. She went from room to room trying to discern how long it had been since Ray had returned. Until she passed by the fish tank. The goldfish had gone "belly up." Ray would have never left them if he hadn't been planning on coming back.

"I should have known something was wrong, Abby. I should have known." Tears streamed from her eyes. "When I saw Sid and Nancy I should have known, but I was so jealous. I thought he'd gone with Katey and just cast off everything that was important to us," she sobbed uncontrollably.

Abby shook her head, Neela's words utterly confusing her. "Who are you, what are you talking about, sweetie? Who are Sid and Nancy?"

"The fish," wailed Neela. "He loved those fish. He got them so that when one of us was on call the other wouldn't feel lonely."

"Sid and Nancy?"

"Ray picked the names, of course. Punk rockers and all that."

"Oh, right. And they…"

"Were dead. When I went in the apartment, I saw them there in the tank, just floating on the top. Oh God, Abby. It's all my fault."

Abby still didn't understand Neela's distress. "Neela, they're just fish. You can get Ray some new fish and you can name them Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain or whatever he wants."

"He's gone, Abby. He's gone and it's all my fault."

There was more Abby needed to know. "Neela, have you seen him? Do you know where Ray is?" Neela shivered as she nodded. Abby handed her a towel, her expression suddenly as icy cold as the bathwater had grown. "I'll meet you in the living room in ten minutes and you're going to tell me what the hell is going on."

Thirty minutes later, Abby had heard the entire story. When Neela finished, all Abby could do was shake her head. "Why didn't he let us know what was happening?" she finally managed.

This time, Neela was left shaking her head. "I don't know Abby."

"Have you heard for him? Do you know what's going on?"

"The last time I saw him was the day he left for Baton Rouge, the day of the rally."

Abby nodded, understanding a little better now. "What are you going to do?"

Neela shrugged. "I don't know. I hadn't really thought past the drinking part," she grinned sadly for a second before she sobered. "I would like to try to get in touch with him, but I just don't know if he'll even take my call. What reason in the world would he have to?"

Abby rubbed Neela's arm. "At the very least you could leave a message. Then he'd know that you were trying to get in touch with him."

Neela scrunched her face, eyebrows raised skeptically. "I don't know, Abby. I wouldn't even know what to say."

Abby thought about her own situation with Luka and the increasing distance between them the longer he stayed in Croatia. "Tell him you miss him. And if it's the truth, tell him that you love him."

A single tear found its way down Neela's cheek. "He'd never believe it even if I said it."

Abby nodded knowingly. "All you can do is try." She handed Neela the phone.

The younger woman deliberately punched in the numbers and waited for the tone. It rang four times before switching over to the voicemail greeting.

"Hey, it's Ray. Leave the info and I'll get back to you when I can." But before the beep sounded, another voice, a female voice, cut into the line. She hung up the phone without leaving any contact information. Abby looked at her questioningly as she replaced the receiver.

"His voicemail is full. Apparently I'm not the only one who's rung him." She stood up from the couch to head back into the bedroom.

Abby cut in front of her. "No, you're not the only one calling," she rationalized, "But apparently he isn't answering calls, no matter who's been leaving the messages. That's not necessarily bad, Neela."

"It's not necessarily good, either." She placed her hand on Abby's arm and gently moved her out of the way. "I appreciate what you're trying to do here, Abby, but I think I need to be alone for a while."

Abby stepped to the side and let Neela walk past. She loved her friend and could appreciate her pain, but she had her own relationship and personal issues going on. She wasn't sure how much help she could be to Neela, nor was she sure how to offer the type of help she knew Neela needed. She plopped down on the couch and let her head fall into her hands. If only Luka were there. Surely, between the two of them they'd figure it out. But Luka was in Croatia, taking care of his father and Abby was in Chicago attempting to take care of Neela. And Ray was in Baton Rouge and she had no idea who was taking care of him.


	10. Callin' Baton Rouge

Chapter 10 – _Callin' Baton Rouge_

"Dr. Bradford, there's a Dr. Abby Lockhart from Chicago on the phone for you. She's asking about Dr. Barnett." Alyssa looked up from the chart she was reading to acknowledge the desk clerk. "I thought you should take it."

"Thanks, Linda. I'll talk to her." She took the phone. "This is Dr. Bradford."

The voice on the other end of the line replied. "Yes, this is Abby Lockhart. I'm an Emergency Department physician at Cook County General in Chicago. I am a colleague of Dr. Ray Barnett who I'm hoping is a patient of yours." Alyssa hesitated. Even acknowledging this fact without Ray's permission would be a HIPAA violation. But Abby knew this too. She broke into Alyssa's silence. "I know you can't give me an answer either way, but I recently found out about his accident. I wanted him to know that I know but also that I am worried about him and have been trying to reach him since he left Chicago, and if he has a chance to call me, I would really appreciate it."

Alyssa smiled. "Ok, so…"

"So if you do happen to see or talk to him, let him know that people here are worried about him and would like to hear from him. That's all."

"Right. I understand." Alyssa didn't recognize Abby's name, but she knew there were girl problems in Chicago. Darren had mentioned something about it earlier in the week. She thought she should at least ask, though. "Dr. Lockhart, wait. How are things there, I mean with everyone?" She blushed at how lame that sounded.

Abby's breath caught in a small sigh as she contemplated her next words. "He should call" was all she decided to say.

Alyssa pressed a little further, "Are you …" She didn't know how to finish the sentence.

"Am I what?" Abby asked. "Oh!" she gasped as she realized what Alyssa was asking her. "No, it's not me, but he needs to call her."

"Right. Ok. Thanks so much for your call, Dr. Lockhart. I really appreciate your concern."

"Please, call me Abby, and promise me you'll take good care of him until he's ready to let us in."

Alyssa realized that Abby already knew that Ray was there, so she decided she really didn't have anything more to hide. "We're doing our best."

"I appreciate it, but I'll let you get back to work. Thanks again."

"No, thank you for your call, and I'll pass along the information. Have a good day."

"You, too. Goodbye."

Alyssa hung up the phone and turned back to her charting. There were people in Chicago who obviously cared about Ray and who had spent the past few weeks worrying about how and why he had left so suddenly. And whoever the girl was needed him to call her. Undoubtedly, she had been trying to reach him since he left, but Alyssa knew from Darren that Ray wasn't answering any calls. She decided to consult Darren on what was the best way for her to relay the information Abby had given her. She paged him and within a few moments, he called her back.

"What's up Dr. B?"

"Hey, Darren. Are you busy for lunch? I needed to consult with you on an issue and thought maybe we could talk about it then."

"No, I don't have plans. That should work out fine. Why don't you come down to the gym when you're ready? I have patients until 12:30."

"That sounds great, Darren. I'll see you then."

Darren hung up the phone and glanced at his watch. It was already 11:30. He and Ray had been working for half an hour, and they had another hour to go before his lunch meeting with Dr. Bradford.

"So I'm really going to be ready to go home on Friday?" Ray asked as Darren approached him.

"I don't see any good reason why you can't be. And you not wanting to go is not a good reason." Ray opened his mouth to protest but Darren stopped him. "You're going to be fine, Ray. You're ready. Besides, you'll be spending most of your day here anyway until you get your driving certification and get your car modified. After that, I guess you can go wherever you want."

Ray grinned. "It will be nice to get out some, though."

"See, things are looking up already."

"I'm not gonna go that far, Darren, but I guess you're right. I can't stay here forever."

Darren nodded. "How's the music coming?"

Ray moved to the next piece of equipment and continued his workout before answering. "Actually, that's going pretty well. I've written some fairly decent stuff in the past week or so. It took me a few days to get into a groove, but now I'm back into the mindset I need to do quality work. I've even thought about trying to find some people to play with."

"Sounds good. Hey, I meant to ask you if you wanted to go out with me and a couple of friends on Saturday night. We're going to listen to some music and have a few drinks. I know you haven't really had a chance to reconnect with anyone yet."

Ray's smile faded. "I don't know, man. I mean, I'd like to, but that's a lot."

Darren sat beside Ray and looked him straight in the eye. "It is a lot Ray, but you have to start somewhere."

"And you'll be there the whole time?" Ray asked.

"Yeah, absolutely. I'll pick you up and drop you off at your mom's. We'll deal with transportation issues later."

"I guess it _would_ be nice to do something other than this for a change."

Darren smiled a little at his patient. "Good. We'll plan for that this week."

Ray cautiously returned Darren's grin and shook his head slightly. "Is it okay that I'm scared shitless?"

"For now, but you'll get over it soon enough."

Ray chuckled. "Somehow, I knew you'd say something like that."

"I guess I'm pretty predictable. No doubt you've figured out my next thought."

"What's that?" Ray asked.

"That you should get back to work." Darren stood up and walked over to another patient while Ray continued his workout. In fact, he had fallen into such deep concentration of what he was doing that he didn't notice Dr. Bradford's entrance into the room until she tapped him on the shoulder.

"Oh, hi. I didn't even see you come in." Ray panted as he turned to face the doctor.

"I know. You were working so hard. I almost didn't want to interrupt you."

Ray wiped his face with the towel hanging beside him silently thankful that his face was already flushed from exertion. Still, he felt heat rise in him again. Why was this woman always making him blush and feel like a nervous seventh grader?

"It's okay," he finally managed, dropping the towel beside him. "What do you need?"

"Um, nothing really, just wondering if you have plans for Saturday in two weeks, June 9th?"

Ray grinned, feeling some of his old confidence suddenly return. "Why, you asking me out?" This time Alyssa Bradford's face was the one to turn red. The color crept up her neck and spread out across her cheeks and onto the tips of her ears. Ray realized right away that his comment had been inappropriate and moved to apologize. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you. It's just that Darren just asked me if I wanted to go out with him and some friends this weekend. I was feeling popular."

"It's ok. Although I'm sure there was a lovely look on my face there. You just caught me off guard, but no. I'm not asking you out. Well, maybe I am. It seems that you made quite an impression on my son yesterday and he'd like for me to invite you to his birthday party." Dr. Bradford smiled.

"Wow, um, well, I don't know of anything I have planned for that day, but I don't have my scheduler right her in front of me." Ray smirked. "I'll have to check and let you know."

Alyssa smiled. "That's fine, and really if you don't want to come, it's really fine. He just couldn't stop talking about you last night and the only way I could get him to go to bed was to agree to invite you today."

"Oh, yeah, well, I'll let you know."

"Okay. Any problems that I need to know about?"

Ray shook his head. "No. Things are going fine."

"You ready to go home?"

Ray inhaled deeply and exhaled sharply through his nose. "I guess so. Every time I think about it, I have a different feeling. When we first talked about it I was ready, but I'm feeling a little apprehensive."

Alyssa nodded knowingly. "It's really scary. And as corny as it sounds, we're here. You won't be on your own. Have we gotten you driving yet?"

Ray shook his head. "My mom is going to drive me next week."

"Don't worry; we'll get you set up for that soon. It's important for you to be able to come and go when you need to."

"Yeah, I guess I hadn't really thought about it yet. Honestly, I haven't thought about a lot of things yet."

She placed her hand on his arm. "You're only taking on as much as you can handle at a time. That's fine."

"It doesn't feel fine. I don't feel fine." Ray's breath caught in his throat as he swallowed the self-pity rising there.

"I know you don't Ray, but I think you'll feel more like yourself as soon as you get out of here and start doing things for yourself. Tell you what, let me see if I can get your driving lessons moved up a few days, okay?"

"Sure. That would be good."

"Okay, well, I have a meeting with Darren, so I'd better get going. I'll talk to you later, Ray."

"Thanks, Dr. Bradford. See you later."

Alyssa walked back over to Ray who was waiting for her at his desk in the corner of the therapy room.

"Hi. Are your patients done?" she asked as he grabbed his lunch bag from a small refrigerator under the desk.

"Yeah. They usually stick around a little bit, but their session times are over. Lunch in the garden okay with you?"

Alyssa nodded. The two of them walked out of the gym, down the hall, out the side door and across a stone path leading to a shaded pavilion in the rehab center's back garden. Darren waited for Alyssa to take a seat on the bench before taking his own place. She unpacked her turkey sandwich and bottled water from the small bag she had been carrying. Darren unwrapped his own tuna salad sandwich before inquiring about the specific reason for their meeting.

"So what is this issue you need to consult on?" he asked right before he took a big bite of his sandwich.

"It's Ray. Of course. It seems like every time I talk to you these days it's about Ray."

"Well, he is the most interesting patient we have right now. And the dreamiest." Darren batted his eyes playfully at Alyssa who rolled her in response.

"You're horrible. But the reason I need to talk to you about him today is that I got a call from Chicago this morning. It was a Dr. Lockhart from Cook County General. She's a colleague and friend of Ray's. Apparently he didn't tell anyone there why he left."

"Yeah, I know. Except for Katey and Neela. He told them."

"Who are Katey and Neela?"

"Katey is his girlfriend and Neela is his former roommate and the woman he loves."

"Wow. You are all over this stuff."

Darren smiled. "We're friends. There's no crime in that."

"I didn't say that it was. But that's not all I wanted to tell you about my phone conversation. Dr. Lockhart says Ray should call 'her.' So which her is that?"

"Neela. She and Abby are good friends."

"Well, apparently they've been trying to get in touch with him since he left."

"Yeah, so has Katey. His voicemail is full and she's been calling his mom's house all the time."

"So what's he going to do?"

Darren shrugged. "He doesn't want to talk to Neela and he doesn't know what to say to Katey."

"So he's doing nothing?"

"Lay off him, Alyssa. He's doing plenty right now."

"I know. That's not what I meant. I thought it might help if he talked to them or one of them or whatever. But you know him better than I do. That's why I wanted to talk to you about it and not him. How are things going with Alan? Is Ray still seeing him?"

Darren nodded. "They're doing one session a week now. I guess it's going as well as it can. Alan and I have talked a few times. There are some things he wants me to focus on in my conversations with Ray. He's pretty anxious about going home. Sometimes he tries to play it off, but he's a little freaked."

"He's already made so much progress. He's going to be fine"

"I know that. You know that. It's our job to make sure that he knows that."

"I guess we are all on the same page."

Darren grinned. "He's a good guy, you know?"

Alyssa nodded. "Ash met him yesterday. He liked Ray so much that he wouldn't go to bed last night until I said he could invite Ray to his birthday party next weekend."

"Well, if Ash likes him he must be an okay guy. Like mother like son, huh?"

"Usually we are pretty good judge of people. When it comes to just about everyone other than his father, that is. We're both way off on that one."

Darren ignored the last comment. He didn't care to have a conversation about Jason Harrison just now. Instead, he changed the subject.

"So how are the party plans coming?"

Alyssa smiled as the conversation turned back to Ash. "I think everything is all set. He invited all of his friends from school. My parents are coming. My sister and her kids might make it, too. Ash hasn't seen his cousins forever. Not since we left Charleston at least."

The conversation died down as the two of them finished their lunch and walked back through the garden until it was time for them to go back inside. Alyssa had the parting thought.

"Keep talking to him Darren, and keep the rest of us updated on what's going on."

"That's the plan. And don't worry. I'm working on getting him to call at least someone in Chicago. You think Abby would be the best bet?"

"I think she can let him know what's going on with Neela at least, especially if he doesn't want to talk to her right now."

"Okay. I'll give it a try."

"Good. You know Darren, Ray isn't the only good guy around here."

Darren winked as he held the door and then followed her inside. They went their separate ways at the end of the hall, Darren back to the gym and Alyssa back to check in on patients, write afternoon orders and take care of a new admission.

For the rest of the afternoon Alyssa reflected on the conversations she had shared that day with both Abby Lockhart and Darren. She hoped she was doing all she could for Ray Barnett. Yes, she was sure that she was. He was making wonderful progress physically, and with the support of his friends and family as well as her and the staff, she was sure his emotional state would come along as well. She felt confident that she was taking the best care of him that she possibly could. Darren was right. Now, it would be up to Ray.


	11. Act Naturally

A/N: Thanks so much for being patient as you've been waiting for updates. So many times I've felt like the next part had come to me, and then I sat down in front of the screen and nothing came. We'll be away from Chicago for a while, I think, while things play out in Baton Rouge. Thanks in advance for your reviews. They always inspire and direct my thoughts. bp

* * *

Chapter 11 – _Act Naturally_

Friday came quickly for Ray. His mother and Jack moved most of his things back to the house so that he would only have to bring a few bags with him on the trip on Friday afternoon. Alyssa filled out the discharge summary and paperwork for Ray's outpatient therapy, driving lessons, and transportation in the meantime. Alan Gault stopped by with his office numbers and Ray's appointment schedule. Darren worked Ray through his final inpatient therapy session. The morning flew even faster that the rest of the week had, and before Ray knew it, his mother and Jack were knocking on the door, Dr. Bradford was handing him all the paperwork she had spent the morning completing, and Darren was slapping his back and promising to stop by after work to see how he was settling in at the new place. Jack bundled him into the car as though he was an infant on his way home from the hospital on the second day of life. Ironically enough, his situation wasn't horribly unlike that of a newborn. Although he had achieved all the tasks on Darren's discharge checklist, there would still be at least two weeks of outpatient rehab and healing before fittings began for the preliminary prosthetics. Darren promised him the time would pass quickly and that as soon as he was standing on his own two new feet, he'd feel like a brand new man. Well, at least half of a brand new man.

Ray stared out the window of the front seat on the entire trip to his mother's house. At first, Jack had tried to make small talk from the driver's side. That hadn't lasted long, though, as his first four questions to Ray had been completely ignored. As they pulled into the driveway, Jacy placed a hand on Ray's shoulder as she observed his shallow, rapid breathing.

"Honey, we're here." She wasn't sure if that had even registered to him. He nodded, not breaking his gaze out the window. She glanced worriedly over at Jack who was already getting out of the car.

"Do you want the chair, Ray?" Jack asked as he walked around the front of the car, "Or do you want to try to walk it?" Jack opened Ray's door so that Ray had to look at him.

Ray swallowed a couple of times and blew out a shaky sigh. "I'll walk, but Mom, bring the chair behind me." Ray swung around in his seat, setting his feet on the pavement. His mother placed the walker in front of him and moved to set up the chair. Jack moved in to help him stand and move out of the way of the car door. As they moved forward, Jacy slipped in behind them. Ray started off toward the front door, but Jack stopped him.

"Let's go in through the office," he suggested. Ray turned slowly and began the ten-yard walk to the door of the garage that had long ago been converted into his mother's real estate office. He took slow but steady steps to the front door, which was flush with the pavement. Jack kept a hand on Ray's side as he reached forward to unlock the door and push it open. He then stepped back behind Ray so that the younger man could check it out first. As he entered the room, he looked around for a second and then back at his mother. She flipped on the light so that he could see the entire thing better.

"Mom," he reached for her and pulled her into him. "You didn't have to do all this." Ray took in the room fully. By the entrance where racks of brochures and photo albums of available properties had once been, there was now a small sitting area with a futon, chair, end table and TV. Along the far wall, his large stereo and all of his vinyl had been meticulously unpacked and arranged along low shelves. His keyboard, guitars and amps were all set up beside a station for his computer. On the opposite wall, adjacent to the house where the door into his mom's kitchen was located, his own kitchenette consisting of a mini-fridge, microwave, toaster and a few cabinets that he could guess contained easy to prepare food had been set up. Just a bit farther back, Ray knew there was a bathroom. He assumed that a bench had been added to the shower and that the bulging partition on opposite that held a bed and his clothes. Jacy pulled the chair up so that he could sit back in it and explore a little further. After taking a better look around, he turned back to his mother.

"I know we talked about you getting your own place, and when you're ready to do that, we'll find a place, but for now Jack and I thought that this would be easier for you and give you more privacy," she blurted.

Ray squeezed her hand. "No, it's really great, but you didn't have to do all of this. I mean, where is your office?"

Jacy smiled. "Jack gave me a storefront in one of his shopping centers, right down from his office."

Ray turned now to Jack, "Hey, man, thanks for all of this. I'm pretty sure you had a lot to do with it, and I know you've been taking good care of my mom. I really appreciate everything." Ray extended his hand toward Jack.

The older man reached forward and shook. "I'm just glad I could help."

"You've done more than just help. I don't know how to thank you."

"You don't have to, Ray. Just keep working on getting well."

Ray nodded and his mother asked if he needed help unpacking his things. He told her he'd do it later and asked to be alone for a while. His mom kissed him on the head, telling him she would be inside if he needed anything. He watched them leave and found himself alone in his new home. He picked up the bag his mom had left beside the door and sat it in his lap. Wheeling down the hall, Ray took a moment to look around the place. Again, guilt rushed over him as he regretted how long it had been since he'd even been in Baton Rouge, much less his mother's home, and now she and Jack had done all of this for him. He continued down the hall to the bedroom and deposited the bag on the floor beside his bed. For a moment, he sat beside the bed, trying to decide what to do now. He was exhausted but knew that there was no way he would be able to fall asleep. Instead, he started back into the common room and unpacked his laptop on the desk beside the music equipment. Almost as a second thought, he pulled his phone from a pocket of the laptop case. He flipped it open and turned it on. Immediately, it began to ring.

Knowing if he looked at the name on the screen, he would more than likely have a reason not to answer. He closed his eyes, hit the SEND button, and took a quick breath.

"Hello?"

"Barnett, is that you?" the voice on the other end asked.

"Yeah, Pratt. It's me."

"Man, nobody is going to believe me if I tell them that I got you on the phone the first time I called. Abby said Neela's been calling you non-stop." He paused. "I probably wasn't supposed to tell you that."

"It's ok," Ray began, trying to collect his thoughts. "So, I guess this means that you and everyone else know."

"Yeah. It was kind of inevitable that news like that would get out. I think the first word came from the rescue workers. Neela finally told Abby a few days ago, and she told me. We thought it would be best to let everyone know. I thought it would keep talk to a minimum."

"Yeah, no, I understand. I knew people would find out. I'm actually surprised that Katey didn't say anything to anyone."

"Haven't really seen her around for a while. I think ICU was her last rotation at County. She matched in Internal Med at Rush, didn't she?"

"Um, yeah. That ICU rotation was her last. She has some time off this month before she starts in July," Ray recalled. He also remembered the plans they had made to spend a week in Punta Cana before she began her Intern year. He guessed this had been such an insignificant thing to lose in the grand scheme of things that he hadn't thought to miss it. That made him feel a little bit worse about ignoring Katey's calls.

"Hey, Ray, I didn't call to talk about Katey, though. How you gettin' along? Anything I can do?"

"It's going okay. I actually got home today. I was just getting settled in when you called."

"Oh. Well, I don't want to interrupt you or anything," Greg started.

"No, it's fine. I was just sitting here. Amazingly, I don't do nearly as much of that as you would think. Rehab is a lot of work, you know? It's going okay though."

"Yeah, you mentioned that."

"Oh, did I? I don't know, man. I don't really know what to say about it. They say I'm getting there, and that after a while I'll be able to do pretty much anything I want, so that's something to work for, I guess." Ray knew he hadn't conveyed a mood of optimistic hopefulness, but this was the first time he'd even imagined discussing his current situation with a coworker.

He heard Pratt's breath catch as though he was going to say something but then stopped. After a second, Greg spoke. "About that night, Ray,"

"No, Greg. Don't. I was a mess."

"If I'd made sure you'd gotten home."

"It's not your fault, Pratt."

"God, Ray. This isn't why I called."

"I know it isn't, but I'm just telling you."

"I appreciate that, Ray. You sure there isn't anything that you need?" Ray could hear Pratt chastise himself for that comment. "Anything I can deliver, that is."

"I know what you mean, man. But I think I'm all set here."

"Listen, if you need anything, even just someone to talk to, you know I'm here."

"Thanks. I know you are."

"I'll let you go. I'm sure you have stuff to do, getting unpacked and all, but call me anytime."

"Thanks again, Greg. See you later."

Greg said goodbye and Ray closed the phone. He was glad to hear from Pratt and at least a little about Chicago, but Greg had brought up the night of the wedding and Katey. Neela had been conveniently left out. Well, almost left out. Pratt had confirmed that Neela had tried to call him. He wanted to talk to her, but one phone call from County was enough for one day.

Instead, he turned back to the laptop. Over the past few days, he'd taken the time to work on his music. He'd worked out some guitar parts for a song idea but hadn't yet had the chance to work on the rest of the arrangement to create a full track. After opening the recording software and loading the guitar track he had already saved, he moved over in front of the keyboard. He pressed the on switch and adjusted the levels as he thought about the song he was trying to write. As he was pressing buttons on the keyboard, he accidently hit the playback key and the last thing he had recorded on the system, the album he had made for Neela, flooded through the speakers and into the room, the melody and melancholy of the lyrics drilling through his tympanic membranes and into his brain.

He quickly turned off the sound and pushed the chair back from the keyboard. Music wasn't even the answer anymore. She had permeated everything. He didn't know what to do, but he knew if he didn't do something, he would explode. Suddenly, it felt as though the room was closing in on him, constricting his efforts to breathe. Heartbeat pounding in his ears, he fumbled for his phone and frantically searched for the number he needed. He pressed send, clenching and unclenching his unoccupied fist as he waited for an answer.

"HealthSouth Baton Rouge, this is Dana. How may I direct your call?"

"Darren Thomas, please."

"One moment, sir." There was a silent pause before the receptionist came back on the phone, "Mr. Thomas is currently with a patient. Is there someone else I can get for you?"

Ray closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose as his heart continued to race. He wiped the dripping sweat with the short sleeve of his t-shirt and fought to hold onto the phone as it threatened to slip from his hand.

"Alan Gault?" he asked, almost pleading.

"Dr. Gault is out of the office today. I'm sorry, sir. Is there anyone else?"

"Alyssa Bradford, please. I need to speak to someone."

"Ok, just a moment longer. Your name?"

"Dr. Ray Barnett." He hoped adding the title would afford him professional courtesy.

"Let me connect you to Dr. Bradford's station."

For some reason, this time on hold he was serenaded by muzak piped through the phone. He actually found himself being calmed by the tinny version of "Let It Be" as Alyssa picked up the phone.

"Ray? Is everything alright?"

"Um, no."

"Did something happen, are you injured?"

"No, no. Nothing like that. I just needed to talk to Darren or Alan or someone. They weren't available, so I asked for you."

"Well, is there something I can do for you?"

Ray blushed as he felt the anxiety attack continuing to abate. There wasn't really anything she could do. "I'm sorry. I just got a little overwhelmed and I, um, started to freak out a little, but no. It's okay now. Can you just have Darren call me when he has a chance? He has my cell number."

"So the elusive cell has been turned on again?" Alyssa asked in such a way that Ray could almost hear her smiling through the phone.

"Uh, yeah. It's back in service, I guess."

"Ray, I didn't have a chance to mention it to you earlier, but I got a call from Abby Lockhart a few days ago."

"Abby? What did she want?"

"She was trying to get in touch with you. Apparently most of your friends have been. It's not really my place to say anything, but have you thought about calling them to at least let them know that you're okay?"

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for passing along the message. I actually talked to someone today."

"Oh, well, I guess I'm a little out of the loop. Are you sure there isn't anything you need from me?"

"No, and now I'm feeling a little stupid for taking up your time."

"Ray, it's fine. You aren't taking up my time. And I'll let Darren know that you called so he can get back to you as soon as he can."

"Thanks, Dr. Bradford. I appreciate it. I'll see you next week."

"Goodbye, Ray."

He waited to hear her hang up before he closed the phone and set it beside the laptop. Then he picked it up again and stuck it back in his pocket. He started across the room and down the hall to the bedroom, then changed his mind and came back. He opened the door and pushed himself out under the awning. The temperature had to register about 105 degrees, even in the shade, as heat rose in waves off the blacktop of the driveway. He turned back around and entered the apartment to avoid the swelter. He glanced at the screen of his phone. Only seven minutes had passed since he'd hung up from his conversation with Dr. Bradford. Still two and a half hours remained before Darren would be done with patients. Ray decided to try to take a nap to pass at least some of the time.

As he positioned himself on the bed, he dropped the phone on the floor beside him. He reached down to retrieve it between the edge of the bed and the nightstand beside it. He leaned to the side and groped for the device. His fingers curled around it, brushing a piece of heavy paper poking out from behind the bed leg. Ray grabbed it as well and pulled it back up on the bed with him. Dropping the phone on the nightstand beside him, he turned the paper over to find that it was a photo. He and Neela were in the ambulance bay striking Charlie's Angels-type poses beside the snowman they had just helped build. Her face was flushed with excitement and exertion and her dark hair poked out beneath a cap with furry earflaps that he had laughed at her for wearing. His own hair stood out in every direction and his scrub pants were riding up over the pair of snow boots he had commandeered from the lounge. His right hand snaked behind his back, concealing the snowball he hit her with as soon as the photo had been snapped.

He remembered the day perfectly. She had been upset about a patient. The guy had fooled Neela, and after she had worked all day to get him admitted under any service she could get to take him. She'd consulted every specialty and subspecialty she could get to come down, but before GI had the chance to get him upstairs, he split from the ER after she finally gave him something for pain. He'd also walked out with unused syringes filled with Fentanyl and Morphine from a trauma room before the nurses had a chance to dispose of them. She had wasted an entire day on one drug-seeking patient and feared repercussions for the inconsistencies in the drug count. Ray had finally convinced her and the rest of the on-edge staff to come outside with him and play in the snow while they had a lull in the overnight action. He remembered all of that, but he also remembered one specific moment when he had chased her back against the far wall of the alley and threw a handful of snow on top of her furry head. She had sputtered as she wiped away the flakes. Then, as she looked up at him, the streetlight's rays reflected in the water droplets on her eyelashes which sparkled as though they were black diamonds. The intensity of her gaze made him take a step back, and as he did so, she slipped away. Morris ran up from behind and pelted him with a snowball. The moment was over, but even years later, the thought of the look in her eyes still sent a shiver up his spine.

And then there was Katey. Ray guessed they were still together, but he'd barely thought about her since leaving Chicago. He knew she had called repeatedly, but he still couldn't call her back. He couldn't discuss what a relationship meant to him now. There were so many thoughts that he couldn't even allow in the forefront of his mind.

Alan had been pushing him to make decisions for the future, but Ray wasn't sure how to do that before he knew if keeping his old job was even an option. It wasn't that he didn't believe Darren and the others when they passed on assurances. Well, maybe it was. He reasoned that being so far from that point in his rehab, there was no way he could realistically say that he would be ready to work in the ER. He couldn't convince a residency director to allow him to reenter the program when he couldn't walk more than 50 feet at a time. He knew they had to make allowances for disabilities and all, case in point – Carrie Weaver. He just didn't know, realistically, in his own mind, how much to expect. He heard what everyone was saying, but he thought it was much safer to keep his expectations low. That way, he wouldn't be disappointed if something went horribly wrong.

Even though he'd worked hard not to think about what the future might hold, a few ideas had weaseled their way into his consciousness. Music was an option, not necessarily a great option, but an option nonetheless. He'd also considered practicing medicine in another setting. When his commitment to medicine and the residency had been questioned early on, that had been discussed. That was unsavory alternative, too, especially if he was unable to finish the program at County. His choices would be severely limited. But, if he could somehow finish his third year, there was a chance that he could be certified in a three-year specialty. And if he _could_ finish his final year of residency, his options would greatly increase. Supposing that a tertiary care trauma center ER was out of the question, there were still smaller Emergency Departments, and there was always Urgent Care. He cringed at the thought of becoming a Doc-In-The-Box, but he guessed he could do it. Of course, the settlement money made his choice less important from a financial standpoint, but Ray still wasn't the type of person who could simply exist. His life needed some sort of purpose. And even though he was sure he'd found it just a few years ago, he was now forced to face the fact that he may not be able to realize that purpose. And that scared him to death.

He attempted to swallow the lump that resided permanently in his throat these days as he attempted to keep it together while others were around. But there wasn't anyone around now, and it was all too much to keep inside of him. For the second time that day, Ray felt that he might explode. He was so tired, not really for sleep, but more tired of trying to convince himself it was all right that he was going to be fine. Trying to convince himself that someday soon the answers would make themselves known. Trying to convince himself that somehow and someway he'd make it back to her and that she'd remember whatever she'd been thinking the day she had looked so deeply into his eyes. He wiped away the tear that he didn't even realize had fallen onto the photograph. Without warning, a thousand more joined it as he curled up on the bed and, at least for the moment, stopped trying to convince anyone of anything.


	12. The Movement You Need

Chapter 12 – The Movement You Need Is On Your Shoulder

Ray had collected himself by the time the other man arrived. Excitedly, more so than he actually thought possible, Ray showed Darren around his new apartment. As they finished, Ray found himself so full of nervous energy that he could barely sit still. Darren understood the apprehensions that inherently accompanied leaving the hospital and rejoining the outside world. He also knew that much of Ray's nervousness stemmed from his apprehension surrounding the plans the two men had made for the next evening. Darren followed Ray back into the sitting area and made himself comfortable on a chair before addressing his patient.

"This is a nice setup, Ray. Looks like it will work out well for your rehab, too."

Ray had busied himself with getting drinks but turned back to acknowledge Darren's assessment of the new living situation.

"Yeah, I couldn't believe what they'd done when I saw it."

"And you didn't think you wanted to be back at your mom's house."

Ray shook his head, conveying more resolve than he actually possessed, "It's just until I can get out on my own. My mom has a good life and even a guy for once. No matter how much she tries to convince me that I can stay forever, that just won't happen. It's not what I want for her." Darren nodded, encouraging Ray to finish the thought obviously turning in his head. "It's not what I want for me, either."

Darren smiled across the room at Ray. "It's about time you started saying shit like that. You keep that up and we'll actually get somewhere."

Ray tossed a bottle across to Darren as he struggled to hide his own grin. "You know, I was thinking the same thing myself. Do you think I can take my driving test sometime next week?"

Darren grinned again. "Is your car ready?"

"They said by next weekend, but I can go ahead and take the test, can't I? Like with the Driver's Ed car or something."

Rolling his eyes as he laughed, Darren affirmed that Ray could indeed use the training car at the rehab center to complete his driving certification. "Like with the Driver's Ed car," he mumbled under his breath as he shook his head and took a drink of the beverage Ray had given him a moment before. Ray grinned sheepishly and shrugged his shoulders.

"Hey, I hate to cut out early, but," Darren glanced at his watch, "I have somewhere to be tonight."

Ray's eyebrows shot up. "Hot date?"

"Not so hot, but it is a date. And seeing as I'm not nearly as pretty as you, I take what I can get."

Ray snorted. "Oh, right, because chicks are absolutely repelled by your rippling muscles and chiseled features. Whereas mainly all I have to offer is my brooding darkness and an air of aloof mystery." This time Darren was the one snorting. "Well," Ray continued, "That and really good hair. My hair is way better than yours."

Darren rubbed a hand over his head and glared over at Ray. "That's just wrong, man, but I don't have time to argue with you tonight. The somewhat lovely Rhonda is going to help me do something.

"The line is 'get her out of my heart,' and that's just shameful. And on that casual dropping of Beach Boy's lyrics into conversation, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Yeah, whatever, Barnett. I'll be in touch tomorrow. Afternoon."

"Go ahead, rub it in. I'll talk to you later."

Darren stood and walked to the door. "See ya." Ray half-waved and the therapist was gone.

* * *

At three o'clock on Saturday afternoon, Ray's phone rang. Expecting Darren, Ray answered without looking to see who was calling. 

"It's about time. I've been waiting all day."

"Well, I've been calling you for weeks," the very female, very not Darren voice on the other end of the line replied.

Ray closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose and began attempting to rub away the headache he already felt forming behind his eyelids.

"Katey, I've been meaning to call you," he lied.

She didn't buy it for a second. "I'm sure you were, Ray, but I'm assuming it would be after I started my internship when you knew it would be impossible to reach me."

"I know. You're right. I have been busy, but you're right."

"Dammit, Ray," she huffed, "Your mother's been making excuses for you for almost a month."

"Well, Katey, you're the one who kept calling her," he interrupted. "Couldn't you take the hint that she wasn't going to tell you anything and stop calling her? She has enough to worry with without having to come up with something to tell you every night."

"I didn't call you to fight. I wanted to know how things were going."

"It's going okay. I got home yesterday."

"Wow, that's pretty fast, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that's the program they use here. The goal is to get people home and into their normal routine as quickly as possible. It's supposed to help."

"Well, that makes sense, I guess. Listen, Pratt had me clean out your locker at County today. I was thinking I could bring your stuff down one weekend before I start orientation."

"Katey," Ray started then stopped. "I don't think that's a good idea," he finally finished. "This seems to me like as good a time as any to make a clean break from this. You're getting ready to start at Rush, and I have no idea how long I'll be here. Besides, we weren't, I mean, this wasn't," he sputtered.

"No, I guess it wasn't. I have the address; I'll send the box tomorrow."

"Katey."

"I'm glad you're doing well, Ray. I'm sure our paths will cross again once you get back to Chicago. Refer some patients to me from time to time, will you?"

Ray didn't feel the need to protest and instead played along with Katey. "Sure. I'll do what I can." He didn't tell her that he didn't know if he'd ever go back to Chicago and he didn't tell her to keep in touch, maybe because of that fact and maybe in spite of it. He wasn't really sure. All he knew was she said goodbye and severed the connection between them before he had a chance to say anything else.

"Shit!" he exclaimed at the same moment his phone rang again. This time he was careful to check the Caller ID before answering. It was Darren. He flipped open the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, man. What's going on?"

"Ah, nothing really. Worked out a little this morning, got a shower and some lunch, broke up with Katey, nothing much."

"Sounds like a pretty typical day." Darren paused, "How did it happen?"

Ray related the story to Darren who listened with amusement. He knew Ray had struggled with the relationship, feeling that it had ended some time before the accident only to spend his last few days in Chicago with her.

Ray further explained that he hoped that his mother would understand his decision since she had actually had the chance to form a bit of a relationship with Katey in Chicago. His mom was of course thankful that Katey had taken care of Ray immediately following the accident. She had called Jacey and informed her of all the goings on surrounding Ray's care leading up to her arrival from Baton Rouge. Neela had come some days later, after Jacey had arrived, on the day they were leaving. He hadn't said anything when he heard his mother tell Katey to come visit. What was he supposed to say, "No, Mom. Not her, the other one. Oh, wait, not her either." Chicago still represented a no win situation for him.

Darren expressed his sincere feeling that Ray had done the right thing. He hadn't even seen Ray with the two women, yet he knew that any remaining ties to Katey had been tenuous at best while Ray's connection to Neela remained. Obviously, Ray said that he had moved on from the relationship, that he had suffered enough heartache in attempting from roommates to romance with her, but Darren sensed that there would be much more left to play out in their story.

The two moved forward in conversation to discuss their plans for the evening, and just four hours later, Darren arrived at Ray's. The younger man was very nearly completely dressed when he opened the door.

"You ready to go?" Darren asked as Ray backed into the room.

"Almost." Ray turned back toward the bathroom. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"What happened? I thought you actually grew some balls in the past 24 hours."

"Sure, when I don't have to actually deal with stuff. It's easy to make plans and break up on the phone."

"Hey, it's going to be fine. I promise. That's what I wanted to tell you anyway." Darren took a seat in the living room. "The guys we're meeting, I met most of them at HealthSouth."

Ray emerged from the bathroom, "They were all your patients?" he asked.

"Not exactly. I met them before, when I was a patient."

"Oh, yeah? When was that?" Ray probed.

"Almost 20 years ago, actually," Darren calculated.

"What did you wreck? Rotator cuff? ACL? The entire unhappy triad?"

Darren nodded. "Something like that. It's all good now, though. It actually helped me decide what I wanted to do with my life once I got everything squared away."

"Well that's a plus," decided Ray. "Did that make the process easier, finding that you actually had gained something from it?"

"That's a good question, Ray. With the perspective I have now I can say that it probably did, but at the beginning all I could think about was what I'd lost."

Ray moved back into the living room and stared at him for a moment. "How'd it happen?"

"I got caught on the bottom of the pile and my leg went the wrong way. A compound tib-fib fracture that demolished all the blood vessels and nerves was the result. They gave me the option of trying to fix it or cutting my losses and getting on with life. So I was 20 and I had to decide. It was the right choice, I believe that now, but I had to make it, you know." Ray nodded and Darren continued. "It just takes time, Ray. That's all I can tell you. And in the meantime, you have to do what you can to pretend like everything's normal. And the thing is, when you least expect it, it will be."

Ray watched Darren pick at a callous on the side of his thumb before continuing the conversation with a not so subtle subject change. "So who all is coming tonight and where are we going?"

"Well, you know Glenn. He'll be there along with three other guys. One is a rehab buddy of mine, another was in PT school with me, and the third was a patient a few years ago. He moved to New Orleans last year and follows up his therapy there now. He's in town for the weekend. I think you'll like them.

"We're going to a little place I like to frequent. The food and the music are great, plus we know the bartender pretty well by now. He usually provides some sort of drink special for us when we all have the chance to get together, which isn't as often as it used to be. We all have lives now, you know?"

Ray nodded. "Yeah," he answered absently. "This place is accessible and all? And how many people are there on average on a Saturday night?"

Darren chuckled. "Of course it's accessible. Todd, the guy from rehab, is in a chair and Jeff, the former patient, uses crutches. And the clientele is cool. We're regulars. Nobody stares too much."

Ray nodded again, the old bobble-head feeling returning, "Well, you know what they say, the only thing more conspicuous than a guy in a wheelchair is two guys in a wheelchair."

Darren's eyebrows shot skyward. "Was that something resembling humor coming from Ray Barnett?"

Ray shrugged, "Maybe. Or maybe I just don't want a roomful of people to see me fall on my face."

"Nah, not tonight. Maybe in a month or so, but you'll be safely in the chair tonight. No worries," Darren ribbed.

"Right, exactly what I was thinking. No worries."

"So are you gonna curl your hair a little more or can we go?"

Ray turned off the light in the bathroom and joined Darren in the main room. "Well, I guess I'm as ready as I'm going to get. We might as well do this."

"Could you attempt to contain your excitement at least until we get there? I just had my car detailed."

Ray rolled his eyes and followed the larger man out the door. "Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed suddenly as he remembered. "Did that have anything to do with the lovely Rhonda?"

Darren grinned, "Get in the car, Barnett, and if you're good we'll talk about that later."

* * *

A/N: Sorry updates have been so few and far between. Even Christmas break wasn't a good writing time for me. Still, thanks for being patient and for your fabulous reviews. 


	13. So Many Things We'll Never Undo

Chapter 13 – So Many Things We'll Never Undo

Monday morning came more quickly than Ray or Darren had anticipated. Following the night out, Ray had slept a good part of the day on Sunday and didn't talk to Darren until they met for a therapy session. Even then, they were scheduled for gym time which left little time for chatting. Darren worked Ray out for the two hours they were given after which Ray stayed for two more hours, working mainly on the parallel bars. Following that, he had an appointment with Dr. Bradford where she would inspect the wound healing progress and stump formation. He was headed to the shower when she arrived in the gym to meet him, smiling warmly as she approached.

"I thought I had time to clean up before I saw you," he explained.

"Oh, yeah, sure. Take as much time as you need. I was just stopping by to see how things were going." She was still smiling.

"It's good. I'm good."

"Yeah?" She raised her eyebrows contentedly.

"Yeah," he nodded.

"Has Glenn taken a look yet?"

"Yeah. He says it's looking good so far. He thinks I should be able to start fitting the prelims in the next week or so depending on what you say."

A shock of electricity buzzed up his arm and across his shoulders as she softly touched his arm. "That's great! Just have Darren page me when you're ready."

He watched her walk away before continuing toward the locker room. He showered as quickly as he could, cringing slightly at the prospect of sitting on a community shower bench. He glanced around the room and grabbed another towel from the shelf to place on the seat beneath him. He slid in and out and dried off carefully before pulling on his gym shorts. He contemplated reattaching the pylons and attempting the hike out to Dr. Bradford's exam room but decided that it was too far for him to go without assistance. He grabbed his chair and wheeled out to have Darren page the doctor.

She was already waiting and directed him to the exam room beside Darren's office in the gym. As she examined the incisions, she began to smile. Tucking that stray strand of hair behind her ear, she looked up at Ray who was seated in the chair beside her. She scooted the rolling stool backward while maintaining eye contact.

"They look great, Ray. I really think that you and Glenn can move forward."

"It's barely been a month."

"Which is why we'll have him fit new rigid dressings for about two more weeks before you move on to the preparatory sockets. You've got a ways to go, but things are definitely on the right track. Do you have a driving lesson this afternoon?"

"No. I'm taking the test."

She frowned. "I didn't know that. Are you ready?"

He laughed. "Well, yeah. Otherwise I wouldn't be taking it."

"How many lessons did you have?" she wondered aloud.

"Two. It's not as bad as it seems. I kind of got the hang of it right off. The instructor said I knew what I was doing."

She looked down to make a note in his electronic chart and then back at him. "I'm sure that you do."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I'm sure you do know what you're doing."

"Just sounded a little sarcastic, that's all."

Alyssa Bradford laughed, shaking her head as she continued writing her note. "You're a mess. Go take your driving test and make sure you set up a time with Glenn. He'll want to talk to you about ankle and foot mechanics, I'm sure."

"Yeah, we've already talked about it some. Darren gave me some advice."

Alyssa stopped her charting and turned toward Ray. "He told you? He doesn't do that very often. With patients, I mean. You guys must be close."

"I guess we are. He invited me out with some of his friends over the weekend. It's been good to have a friend. I appreciate it, but if I've crossed some sort of boundary," he started but she interrupted.

"No. That's not what I meant. I don't know what I meant. I'm glad you're getting out, doing things and meeting people."

"It was fun. The music was excellent, and it was great to actually get dressed and do something. And speaking of doing things, I wanted to RSVP for Ash's party on Saturday. Do I need to RSVP? Anyway, I'm coming with Darren."

"Good. He's really excited. All the kids from his class are invited, and most of them are coming. Plus, my parents and my sister and her kids will be there. Frankly, I'm getting excited for it."

"Sounds like fun. Do I need to bring anything?"

"No. I think I have everything covered."

"So what's he into?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean for a present. What does he like? Hot Wheels, G.I. Joe, Thundercats?"

"This is Asher's party, Ray. Not yours," she grinned. "But he's a Spider-Man fan."

Ray nodded solemnly. "Well, that's good to know. I would have felt quite stupid if I'd shown up with a Batman lunchbox or something."

"Yes. It is good that you know, but you don't have to bring a gift. He'll just be glad that you came."

"Are you crazy? I can't go to a five-year-old's birthday party without a gift. That would be inhumane!"

"I guess you're right." She turned back to her work. "I hate to be rude, but I need to finish this."

"Oh, sure. Sorry to keep you from your work."

"Good luck on your test."

"Thanks." Ray collected his things and wheeled back to the main room where Darren and Glenn were waiting for him.

"Well?" Darren asked. "What did she say?"

"She said everything looks good and I should meet with Glenn to work out the prelims but after two weeks of new pylons." The other two men nodded, obviously content with the development as Ray continued. "She also wished me good luck on my driving test, which I'm going to miss unless I get a move on."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Glenn inquired. "You'd better get going. We're expecting you to drive this coming weekend."

Ray shook his head. "I should have known you guys had ulterior motives. You wouldn't care if I could drive or not but it just so happens that you two benefit from it if I can. I see how it is." He tried to keep a straight face but it cracked as he observed Darren and Glenn's looks of mock horror and surprise. The three of them laughed for a moment until Ray broke away from the group to meet the driving instructor in the back parking area. The other two wished him good luck as they turned back to their work.

Three days later, Ray drove Darren to Toys 'R Us where they would make their gift selections for Asher's birthday party. He pulled the red SUV into a handicapped space near the front of the store and grabbed the wheelchair from behind his seat. Over the past two days, he had been pleasantly surprised to find that Dr. Bradford and Darren's methods of rehabilitation were amazingly effective. Glenn had adjusted the pylons and rigid dressings after Ray's exam on Monday. While he was still weeks away from his first true prosthetics, he was able to get around his house and the gym satisfactorily with the updated pylons and rigid dressings, and his pain was controlled without opioids. Still, walking long distances in public was a bit more than he was prepared to do at this point. He plopped into the chair and they headed inside.

"So do you have something in mind?" Darren asked as Ray started across the store and toward the long aisles in the middle.

"Yeah, I do. I saw this Spider-Man jungle gym thing on the website. I thought it looked like fun, but I wanted you to take a look and see if you thought he'd like it."

"Sure, I'll take a look, but I'm sure he'll love it."

"What are you getting?" Ray asked Darren as they arrived in front of a wall of Spider-Man themed merchandise.

"I already got him a soccer uniform. I just need to pick up a ball."

"Oh. Ok. I forgot that you guys did the soccer thing."

"Yeah, this is his second summer playing. He really likes it, and he's getting pretty good. I'm surprised you haven't seen him kicking a ball around in the gym."

"No, I haven't." Ray spotted his gift. He pointed up for Darren to reach it. "There. That's what I think I want. Can you pull it down so I can look at it?"

"Sure." Darren grabbed the box and brought it down for both of them to examine. After a moment of reading the description and actually opening the box to assess the quality of the contents, Darren spoke. "I think it looks like it will be fun. The plastic seems sturdy, too. I think it will stand up to kids climbing on it, and even when he outgrows that part, the web is like a cargo net and he can use that in a fort or something."

Ray nodded. "That's true. I hadn't even thought of that. Ok. I'm getting it unless you see something you think he'll like better."

Darren shook his head. "This is good. He'll really like it." Ray placed the box on his lap and followed Darren to the appropriate aisle to find the soccer ball. As they waited to check out, Darren turned to Ray. "He's a good kid. I wish I could do more for him."

"Him or them?"

Darren dropped his head and scoffed a little laugh. "Mainly him, but if that meant her, too, then I'd do whatever that took."

"Do you love her?" Ray asked.

Darren looked away. "I respect her. I admire what she's doing. You don't know the whole story, man. Asher's dad is loser. She won't ever admit it, but he stays in their lives just enough so that she can't forget him and so that he can string her along with his empty promises. Ash too. He's getting to the age where he needs a dad, and he knows that Jason is his father and feels attachment to him because of that. They both deserve more. Everything."

"Wow. So where does that leave you?"

"Right here with you. And that's how it needs to be."

"Does she date?"

"Yeah. I think she's been seeing someone for a little while now, actually. She was all dressed up the other day. Don't get me wrong, Ray. I think she's great, and her son is amazing, but I'm not looking to upset the apple cart or whatever. I just want them to be happy."

"I can understand that."

"I'd think that if anyone could it would be you."

"Yeah, well, at least she's not married. That makes things slightly more difficult."

Darren laughed. "Yes. I can imagine that it would."

"It's not like I meant for it to happen," Ray protested in an attempt to defend himself and his actions toward Neela.

Darren sobered. "It's not like anyone ever does, but it still doesn't make it right or acceptable."

"No it doesn't, but I guess I got what was coming to me in the end, huh?"

"Shit," Darren whispered almost under his breath. "That's not what I meant, Ray. You know that."

"Sure. Let's just get out of here."

"Yeah, ok." They paid for their purchases and headed back to the car. Following a silent trip back to HealthSouth where his car was waiting, Darren paused before he got out of Ray's vehicle. "I'll see you in the morning." Ray nodded, pinching the bridge of his nose as though he were attempting to ward off an encroaching migraine. Darren tried again. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded, Ray. Maybe my feelings for her are more than I like to admit. That's all."

Ray nodded again. "It's ok, man. I didn't mean to be so pissy. I'll see you later." Darren closed the door and Ray put the car in gear. Fifteen minutes later, he pulled into his mother's driveway, slung his gym bag over his shoulder and fished behind the seat for the forearm crutches. He could make it into the house using them, he thought. He successfully completed the journey and dropped the bag by the front door before heading back to the bedroom. As he sat on the bed, his phone vibrated in his pocket. He retrieved it and glanced at the screen. Abby. He flipped it open and placed it up to his ear.

"Hey, what's going on?" He asked, attempting to inject much more perk into his voice that he actually felt.

"Nothing really. I'm on my lunch. Just thought I'd see how things are going."

"It's fine. Good. What shift are you working that you have lunch now?" he asked glancing down at his watch. It was after seven.

"Eleven A to 11 P. It works out better for my sitter. The new chief balked at first, but he eventually came around when he realized it meant that the shift change was double covered."

"Good. How's Joe? Luka?"

"Joe's wonderful. Growing so fast, you know? Luka is actually in Croatia. His father has multiple myeloma, so it's only a matter of time."

"God. That's horrible. I'm sorry. How long has he been gone?"

"Three weeks."

"You and Joe have been alone for that long? How are you managing?" Ray asked, newly abreast to the plight of the single mother.

Abby laughed. "We're managing. Thanks for asking, Ray."

"Hey, I'm learning all sorts of stuff down here."

"I guess you are." She got quiet for a second. "You should call her."

"I can't do that, Abby."

"She thinks you blame her. She's thinks it's her fault."

"Well it isn't. She isn't the one who got too drunk to walk and then stumbled into the street only to be hit by a garbage truck."

"It would mean more coming from you than from me."

"I just can't right now, Abby. I'm sorry. Is she ok?"

"She's getting there. It's going to take a few months before she gets back to work, but she's doing better."

Ray frowned, confused by Abby's revelation. "What are you talking about? Why isn't she working?"

"Shit!" He heard Abby exclaim on the other end of the line. "I forgot you didn't know."

"Didn't know what, Abby?" Ray raised his voice slightly. "What happened?"

"The day you left for Baton Rouge there was an anti-war rally. Neela stopped by after she saw you. Someone set off a firecracker, but the crowd thought it was gunfire. There was a stampede of people and some were knocked down and crushed. Neela was injured. Her injuries were serious. She had a splenic laceration that required surgery. Also, she fractured several bones in her left hand. Ortho did a good job of fixing her up, but she still has another month or two before she'll be back in the OR. She's staying with me right now, helping out with Joe and all, but I think she's going to do some traveling. Maybe you all could see one another and talk things over."

Ray slowly digested everything Abby had told him. "I can't believe I didn't even know anything. I'm glad she's doing better, but I can't see her, Abby. Tell her whatever you want, but I can't. Not now." He was struggling to hold it together. "Listen, it was good to talk to you Abby, but I have to finish up some things here before it gets too late. I'm sure we'll talk later."

"Yeah, of course. Take care of yourself, Ray. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

Ray closed the phone and dropped it beside him on the bed. He placed this new information in the compartment of his head labeled "Chicago" and mentally closed the file. He still didn't have the energy to deal with rehab as well as Neela, especially in the light of this new knowledge. He was back here again, but the difference today was that he didn't have time to dwell on any of it. He was having dinner with his mother and Jack in a few minutes after which he had a set of exercises to complete before he showered and read a handful of articles he had looked up and printed off earlier in the day. Keeping busy was the best way to avoid thinking about her, and it had been working. But following Abby's call, Ray was afraid he was going to need to add a few more activities to his daily schedule.


	14. You Are My Sweetest Downfall

A/N: All the previous disclaimers remain in effect. Thanks for being patient with me.

* * *

Chapter 14 – _You Are My Sweetest Downfall_

Party day dawned brightly. Ray squinted against the sun streaming in through the window. He rolled over and sat on the edge of the bed. Looking down, his breath caught as it still did every morning. He didn't know if he'd ever get used to the sight or if the shock would greet him each day for the rest of his life. The ringing phone on the nightstand interrupted. As was his new custom, he glanced at the screen before answering. It was his mom. He flipped it open.

"I'm only one room away. You don't have to call," he joked in place of hello.

He heard he snicker a little laugh. "It's easier to wake you up like this, I think."

"Ha! I was already awake."

"Amazing. Do you want to have breakfast with us?"

"It's awfully early for him to come over, isn't it?" Ray poked, referring to Jack's presence at breakfast.

Ray could hear her blushing as she stammered an explanation through the phone. "No, Ray, well, that's not, I mean,"

His laughter cut her off. "I'm joking, Mom. We're all adults here, but yeah. I'll have breakfast with you."

"I'm making pancakes. Everything will be ready in about 15 minutes."

"Ok. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Do you need anything?" It was her somewhat subtle way of asking if he needed help. He told her that he didn't and rose to get ready.

He fastened the pylons into place and used the walker planted beside the bed to move into the bathroom where he quickly ran through the morning routine. Then, he slowly made his way across the big room and into his mom's kitchen. As he pushed through the door, Jack jumped up from reading the paper to help Ray navigate the linoleum floor to the waiting chair.

Jacy placed a platter of pancakes in front of them as she took her own seat between the two men.

"What are your plans for this afternoon, Ray?" she asked as she began passing the plate around the table.

"I'm going to a birthday party. Actually, I need to wrap the gift. Do you have any?"

Jacy nodded. "I'm pretty sure I have some in the hall closet."

"Anything with trucks or superheroes?"

She shook her head. "Maybe flowers or balloons, but I'm pretty sure there are no trucks. Or superheroes. Whose party is it?"

Ray scratched his head as he cut the pancake in front of him with his fork. "It's for my doctor's son. He's tight with Darren and hangs out in the gym sometimes. He invited me, and Darren's going, too, so I thought it was at least something to do."

"Well, have a good time. We're going to the lake this afternoon, so if you need anything, you can call the boathouse if you can't get my cell. I'm not sure how reception is once we get out on the water."

Ray nodded and turned back to his breakfast. After he finished he sat at the table with Jack looking over the previous evening's box scores. Jacy cleared some of the dishes and wiped off the table in front of them. As she finished, she started to take her seat between them again before she stopped.

"Ray, would you like me to get some paper to wrap your present?" He decided that he would, and she left to retrieve the gift and supplies. When she returned to the kitchen, she placed the Spider-Man jungle gym box on the table along with balloon gift-wrap, tape and a pair of scissors. Ray held the box in place as Jacy measured, cut and taped the package.

"Do you think he'll like it?" Ray asked his mother as she cleared up the wrapping mess.

"You would have when you were a boy. The jungle gym was always your favorite. So were the superheroes."

"Yeah, but I was never too big on the idea of gaining said superpowers by being bitten by a spider or anything else," Ray grinned at his mom.

"Well, to each his own, Ray. How old is the birthday boy, anyway?"

"He's turning five, a good age as I remember it."

"It is, but so is 29." Ray grimaced at Jacy's words. "Have you thought about what you want for _your_ birthday?"

"I've decided that I'm not celebrating this year," Ray told her.

Jacy raised her eyebrows. "I think this year is one where I'd especially like to celebrate the fact that you're having another birthday."

"I just mean that I'm getting too close to 30 for comfort."

"Well, I wish you'd come up with something that you'd like or like to do. It makes me feel negligent to do anything. Couldn't we at least go out to dinner?" She pushed.

Ray hedged on the idea of a big celebration or even a fancy one. He did, however, understand his mother's point. Quickly, he thought up a compromise. "How about I see if Darren wants to come over for a picnic tomorrow afternoon or something? We'll grill up some steaks or burgers or whatever, if that's ok with you." His mother thought it would be a wonderful idea and immediately began making a list for the store. Ray pleaded with her to stop, promising to take care of the whole thing. Jacy protested that it wasn't right for him to plan and execute his own party, but Ray did his best to convince her that he was actually looking forward to doing it. She handed over the list, kissed him on the top of the head and ran upstairs to get the rest of her things together for the boating trip. On her way out, she handed him 50 for the party supplies and told him to call her if he needed anything. He promised that he would, silently pocketed the money and carefully made his way back to get ready for the party.

Ray had told Darren that he would drive, so he gathered his gift and headed off toward Darren's place. As he pulled up to the curb, Darren came through the front door to meet him. He opened the back door and placed his gift on the seat beside Ray's before climbing in the passenger seat.

"How's it going? You ready for all this?" He asked as Ray put the car in gear and pulled into traffic.

"It's good, I'm fine. Where exactly are we going?" Ray inquired. Darren gave him directions to the park and they arrived about fifteen minutes later. Ray's hangtag gave them a front row parking space. He pulled the wheelchair out of the back seat as Darren retrieved the gifts before they made their way over to the group that had gathered under a pavilion next to the main playground. Ray could see Asher and three other children climbing on the slides across the yard. He watched them slide down and run over to the merry-go-round once they had finished. He sat there for a moment, just watching them run from place to place, until Darren came up behind and clapped a large hand on Ray's shoulder. The younger man turned and looked up, squinting against the sun backlighting Darren's face.

"Hey. Everyone's over here. You coming?"

Ray nodded. "Yeah," he said as he turned toward the group. When he entered the pavilion, Alyssa greeted him with a bright smile. She walked over to him and took a seat on the bench beside where he had stopped. Her navy shorts and white tank displayed her well-shaped legs and tanned skin. She looked so young and carefree; Ray could hardly imagine her being old enough to have completed medical school and residency, much less to be the mother to a school-aged son. Something other than her outfit added to the effect, but Ray couldn't put his finger on precisely what it was. She unconsciously ran a hand over her pulled back hair and started to speak. Yet, before she could manage a word, Ray had figured it out.

"Your hair!" he exclaimed. "That's what's different." Alyssa blushed as she touched her hair again, this time completely aware of what she was doing. Ray continued, reaching forward to take a stray lock between his fingers. "It's lighter. And curly."

She reached her hand up to retrieve the strand from his fingers, hers brushing his as she tucked it back with the rest. "I've been straightening it since college. I thought it was time for something different."

"It is different, but you're right. Sometimes change is the right thing."

Alyssa blushed deeper and tried to avert her eyes, whose hazel irises were now a mixture of blue and grey sparkling in the sunlight that made its way into the pavilion.

"I mean your hair, of course. It's nice," Ray stammered. "That's, that's what I meant."

"I'm glad you like it, Ray." She looked over at him. This time he blushed slightly. Quickly, she turned the conversation to something else. "I'm glad you came. Asher will be so happy to see you," she decided as she stood from the bench and led him to where the other adults had gathered. Darren was chatting with a slightly older version of Alyssa flanked by a middle-aged couple who were undoubtedly her parents. Alyssa introduced Ray to her sister Audri and her parents Jim and Davie Bradford.

Audri von Leeuwenhoek extended her hand and a smile to Ray. "Nice to meet you Dr. Barnett. It's always good to meet Alyssa and Asher's friends."

Ray grinned back at the dark-haired woman. "It's Ray."

"Well, Ray, can you convince these guys to come back to Charleston? My kids and I are missing them!"

"I'd try but I don't think I'm in any position of influence." Ray lamented.

"I suppose I'll have to take your word for it, but somehow I think you're a little modest."

"Ray? Modest? I think you need to spend a little more time with him before you make that judgment," Alyssa chuckled as she swooped into the conversation.

Ray twisted in his chair to face her. "When I have I ever been anything other than a perfect gentleman? Or modest?"

From behind him, she placed her hands on his shoulders and leaned around to his side. "It was a joke, Ray. You're absolutely modest and a model gentleman."

He grinned and shook his head, hanging it slightly to hide the blush he felt on his neck and cheeks.

"Stop it, Lissy, you're making him uncomfortable," Audri cut in as she pulled Alyssa away from Ray and over to more parents and children who had begun to arrive.

"It's okay, really," Ray said aloud to no one as the rest of the crowd congregated in another area of the pavilion.

About 15 of Asher's classmates plus Audri's son and daughter were soon running around the playground. Ray joined Darren and the other adults at the benches surrounding the play area. Asher slid down the slide beside where Ray and Darren had settled. Finally spotting them among the crowd, he ran toward them to say hello.

"Hey, Buddy. Happy Birthday," Darren exclaimed as he held out his hand for a high five.

"Hi, Darren!" cried Ash as he slapped Darren's large hand. Then, remembering Ray, he turned to the other man. "Hi, Ray."

"How's it going, Ash? Are you all having fun?" Ray asked the boy.

Ash nodded. "Mark and Mary are here. So is Grammy and Papaw and Aunt Audri."

"Yeah? That sounds good. I saw you on the slide there. Is that your favorite?"

Ash shook his head. "I like the merry-go-round, but Mark is gonna show me how to do the monkey bars like he does."

"How does he do them?" Ray asked, engaging the boy in conversation for a bit longer.

"He swings back and forth and goes all the way across. Just like a real monkey! Do you think I can do it, too?"

"I'm not sure, Ash. I think you'd better have Darren help you at least at first to see how it goes. That way he can catch you if you start to slip."

"Yeah, I'll help you do it after you open your presents." Darren added. Asher agreed to wait and ran back to play with his cousins and friends until it was time for the party to start.

Ray watched Asher follow his cousin Mark up the slides again. Then, they moved over to the swings where Asher watched as Mark pumped his legs to get some air under him before jumping out of the chair onto the grass in front of him. Finally, Mark led him to the jungle gym where Ash climbed halfway up the rounded side and watched Mark clamber up to and then across the horizontal ladder, swaying from side to side as he alternated hand over hand across the ladder. Asher gazed up at his cousin and started to climb up higher. Ray glanced around to see if anyone else was watching him. Alyssa had her back turned to the playground, Darren was walking back toward the adults, the grandparents were nowhere to be seen and Audri was pushing the merry-go-round, all the way across the yard. Ray glanced back. Asher was climbing higher. He didn't know what he should do, if anything. He had no idea if Ash was allowed to go to the top by himself. He didn't know if he should say something to Alyssa or Darren. He traced the path he'd have to take to get over to Asher. The pit where the jungle gym was located was filled with sand; there was no way he could get in there. He turned back to Alyssa. Darren had joined her now. They were placing candles on the cake and getting ready for singing and presents. Ray looked back again to Asher. He had reached the top and was now attempting to grab the first rung of the horizontal ladder. Ray grabbed the bench beside him and stood. Asher lunged forward, missed the rung and fell to the sandy ground below.

Ray started to step forward, but knowing that he couldn't make it over to the boy, he turned back to Darren and Alyssa. "Darren!" he called, "Ash fell." Darren and Alyssa both whirled around. Ray pointed in the direction of the little boy, still lying on the ground, barely moving. Alyssa broke into a run toward her son. Darren overtook her and arrived at Ash's side a moment before Alyssa. Ray dropped back into the chair and made his way over to the edge of the sand. Darren pressed the napkin in his hand on the cut spilling blood from Asher's forehead while Alyssa carefully held him still.

"Ray, did you see what happened?" Alyssa asked, turning to him.

"He was following Mark like we told him not to until Darren was there. He reached for the bar and fell. I couldn't get there to stop him. I couldn't get there. I couldn't get to you or to him. I thought he was okay, and then he fell."

"Did he hit his head?"

"No, I don't know, I just saw him start to fall and I turned to you all. I'm sorry, I didn't see." Ray ran his hand through his hair and tugged on the ends. "I can check him out; I just can't get through the sand with this," he spat disgustedly tugging at the chair's wheels.

"Oh, yeah, right. I'll hold that, Darren. Can you help Ray?" Alyssa asked as she placed her hand over Darren's, taking over the napkin covering the cut. Darren helped Ray move through the sand and drop down beside Asher, who was crying quietly.

"Hey, Dude. You went flying there for a minute didn't you. I want you to stay as still as a statue while I check you out here to see what you hit when you fell."

Ray checked the structural integrity of Ash's skull and then walked down his spine and back for step-offs. There were no defects, so Ray and Darren carefully rolled Ash onto his back. From there, Ray checked his arms, legs, chest and abdomen for injuries. When he was satisfied that there were none, Darren helped Asher sit up. Ray had more questions and evaluation to complete but would need a few instruments to do so. He asked Darren to run to his car and grab the medical kit he kept in the back seat. Darren returned in just a few moments, and Ray pulled a pen light and reflex hammer from the bag. He checked Ash's pupils and ocular movements as well as his deep tendon reflexes. Finally, he pulled the napkin away from the cut on the boy's forehead. The bleeding had slowed, but Ray could visualize the edges and depth of the cut. He turned to Alyssa.

"This is going to need to be closed."

By this time, all the other kids and adults had gathered around. Audri squatted down to see if there was anything they needed her to do. Alyssa asked her to take everyone over to the tables and start serving drinks and snacks. Darren helped Ray back into the chair, plopped Ash on Ray's lap and pulled both of them out of the sand and back onto terra firma. Ray guided them to a far table where he sat Ash on the bench and unpacked his kit. Alyssa stood over Ray's shoulder, carefully observing his every move.

"Are you going to have to stitch? Can you just use a butterfly or something?"

Ray looked back and forth from the 6-0 and the Dermabond tube. "I can numb it up and put in a couple subcuticular sutures or use the glue."

"Is there any difference?" Alyssa asked.

"Not for this type of cut. It's small and not too deep, but will heal better if it's closed. Sewing would be the traditional method, but a Cochrane Review found that tissue adhesives were equally as effective for small superficial wound closure. That way there will be no needles. There shouldn't be needles on your birthday." Ray explained.

Ash looked over at Alyssa. "Yeah, Mom. No needles."

Alyssa sat on the bench beside Ash, pulling him to her side. "Are you sure it's the best way to do it?"

Ray nodded. "Yes. If he came into my ER, this is how I would repair the cut. I can fix it right now."

"Do you have sterile supplies?" Alyssa inquired.

Ray didn't feel like explaining to her the studies showing that primary wound closure under non-sterile technique has no greater incidence of subsequent wound infection than those closed under sterile conditions and just assured her that he did. Ray sprayed the wound with sterile saline and then had Ash lay back on the picnic table. He placed the blue drapes around the cut, framing it in his workspace window. He unwrapped his sterile gloves, size 7 ½ and had Alyssa drop the sterile gauze onto the sterile towel he had placed beside the drapes. After he blotted the cut and approximated the edges, Alyssa opened the outer packing of the Dermabond glue. Ray cracked open the ampoule and applied the adhesive to the cut. He waited the 40 seconds for it to dry and then reapplied adhesive to the entire area, extending about 1 cm from the edges of the wound. He helped Ash sit up and snapped his gloves off and into a ball.

"All done, Ash. You're good as new. Just don't touch your head there for a few minutes, ok?"

Ash nodded and jumped down from the table. "Thanks for no needles, Ray."

"You're welcome. Just don't fall off of anything else," Ray called after him.

Alyssa helped Ray gather up everything he'd used to repair the cut and place it in a plastic bag to be disposed of at the clinic.

"What are the aftercare instructions, Dr. Barnett?"

"No bandage needed, obviously. No antibiotic ointment, it will only dissolve the polymer. He can swim or take a bath, just don't rub the area of the cut with a towel or scrub it with soap for about 5 days. Will he be stopping by at work with you?" Ray asked. Alyssa nodded and he continued, "Ok, then I'll check it out next week to make sure that the wound edges look good, and by the end of the week we can remove any of the glue that's still there. It will start to wear off on its own."

"What about tonight? Do you think he had a concussion?" Alyssa inquired.

"I don't think so. He said he didn't black out or anything. He just closed his eyes when he started to fall and then he couldn't get his breath. I'd say he got the wind knocked out of him."

"Well, he cut his head; he had to have hit it on something." Alyssa pointed. "I'm doing neuro checks Q hour."

Ray grinned and placed his hand on top of Alyssa's. "He's fine."

"All the same, I'm going to make sure he is tonight. He could have an epidural bleed and simply be in his period of lucidity."

Ray started to argue but again felt it was no use. "That's really unlikely, but I'm sure it won't hurt to do the neuro checks if it will make you feel better."

Alyssa smiled. "It will. You don't understand. You aren't a mother."

Ray shook his head, "No, I'm not."

"You know what I mean, a parent."

"I know what you mean." Ray gestured toward the kids clumped around Asher looking at his head, "You think you should get over to the crew before they mutiny?"

Alyssa nodded and stood from the bench. Ray placed his hands on the wheels and started behind her, but she stopped and turned back to him.

"What?" he asked, holding up abruptly to keep from running over her.

"Thank you," she said simply as she bent down and kissed his cheek. Then, just as suddenly, she turned and walked back to the group.

Ray looked up and saw Darren looking over in his direction. Ray shrugged his shoulders. Darren smirked and shook his head before motioning him over to join them. Ray took his place beside his friend as Alyssa placed the cake in front of a grinning Asher and the singing began. As Asher blew out the candles, Darren leaned over and whispered in Ray's ear.

"I can't believe you had a suture kit and Dermabond in your car. You actually must be a doctor."

Ray grinned. "I used to carry a scalpel around in my coat pocket. Came in handy once when I had to insert a chest tube in triage on my way into work one morning when I was an intern."

Darren wagged his head in disbelief. "You carried a scalpel in your pocket? Why?"

Ray shrugged then remembered his answer when he'd been asked before, "A bone saw is too bulky."

The two men laughed together as Alyssa and Audri served cake to the fifteen classmates, two cousins and the birthday boy.


	15. London Calling Baton Rouge SemiRedux

A/N: Wow, that was a lot of reviews. Here's a little more.

* * *

Chapter 15 – London Calling Baton Rouge (Semi-Redux)

"Do you want to do something this evening? I can call a sitter if you think you feel like going out." Abby hung her purse on the hook and threw her keys in the ceramic dish on the shelf by the door before turning to Neela who occupied her perennial perch on the couch.

"I don't know. What did you have in mind?" Neela asked, not looking away from the re-run of One Tree Hill she was watching.

"Well, maybe having you graduate high school, for starters," sniped Abby as she zapped the TV black with the remote she retrieved from the arm of the couch.

Neela whipped around, dropping her bag of pita chips onto the floor. "Hey! I was watching that. Lucas and Peyton are trapped in a library after a school shooting. I think they've grossly exaggerated her EBL, though. She wouldn't bleed out from that wound. All for dramatic effect, I guess, but they really should have a consulting physician."

Abby nodded, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. "That or perhaps they're expecting more of their fan base to be high school kids as opposed to ER doctors."

Neela scowled. "It's a good show, Abby. Perhaps you could lighten up a little."

"Me! You're the one who's been sitting on the couch for the past month."

"What in the world does that have to do with lightening up? Besides, I have injuries!" She shoved her splinted arm in Abby's face. "I can't properly do my job for at least another month. What would you have me do?" Abby stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Neela jumped up to follow her. "Abby!" Abby pulled a glass from the cabinet and went to the refrigerator to fill it with water. Neela continued, "Do you want me to leave?" Abby still didn't answer. "Abby, please answer me. Would you like for me to leave?"

Abby rolled her head as though working out a kink in her neck and closed her eyes for a second. "No, Neela. Of course not. I don't want you to leave, but I think it might be time for you to start doing some more things. I think if you do, you'll feel better."

Neela nodded. "Okay. I can understand that. What things would you suggest?"

"Well, calling Ray would be a start."

Neela rolled her eyes and flopped into a kitchen chair. "You would suggest that."

"I talked to him Neela. He sounded good, and he wanted to talk to you," she lied. Ray had been audibly shaken when they discussed Neela, refusing to talk to her and quickly getting off the phone, but Abby still fought that these two desperately needed to clear up things between them.

"I'm not even going to ask when you spoke to him, but seriously, Abby, I can't."

"Oh, yes you _con_."

"Are you making fun of my accent? Unbelievable."

Abby giggled. "I'm sorry, it just sounded funny." Neela wasn't impressed by the half-apology. Abby tried again but when she opened her mouth to say she was sorry, but laughter was all that came out.

"Oh, right. Well, you can keep laughing at me, and I'm going to go pack up my things and head back to your old place."

Abby struggled to swallow the laughter. "No, Neela, wait. I'm sorry," she sobered. "I don't even know why I started laughing, but then I couldn't stop. Regardless, I don't want you to leave."

"Well, good," sulked Neela, "Because even if you did, I don't really have anywhere to go."

"You can stay as long as you need. You do know that, right?" Abby clarified.

"Thanks. I really do appreciate everything you've done for me," Neela conceded.

Abby reached across the table and quickly squeezed Neela's uninjured hand. "It's not a big deal."

Neela started to protest but was interrupted by her cell phone, blaring The Clash from the other room.

Abby hummed along, "London calling to the faraway towns…"

Neela jumped up and ran into the other room to grab the phone. "It's my parents," she yelled back over her shoulder. "Ray thought it would be clever to signify when London was calling by having the phone ring _London Calling_."

Abby followed her, still humming. "Well," she decided, "It is kind of clever, but wouldn't they say London ringing instead of calling?"

Neela pursed her lips and shook her head in an unknowing gesture as she answered the phone, "Hello?"

Abby shrugged and walked out of the room to allow her some privacy.

A few minutes later Neela emerged from the bedroom, running her right hand through her long tangled tresses. Abby sat the now awake Joe in his playpen and took a seat on the couch.

"What did they want?" Abby asked the younger girl as she plopped down.

"My father wants me to come home for a few weeks. I don't actually have a good enough excuse for getting out of it, so I guess I'm going."

"That won't be so bad will it?"

Neela shrugged. "I hope not. I'm thinking I'll get an open-ended ticket so I can leave whenever I want."

"Probably a good idea."

"Will you be alright with Joe while I'm gone?"

Abby nodded. "Absolutely, I'll have to work it out with the Nanny, and maybe I'll need Mrs. Davis for overnights, but it will be fine."

"I guess I really do need to start packing right after I call the airline."

"Right. Maybe you should call Ray, too." Abby decided to slip in.

"Abby, we've been through this," Neela whined.

"I know Neela, but I can't help but think that if the two of you just talked to one another it would sort out things and maybe be helpful for both of you. It couldn't hurt to try, right?"

Neela leaned back against the couch cushions. "Well, it definitely will hurt, but I guess I could call. Tomorrow is his birthday, anyway."

"Well there you go." Abby exclaimed. "You have to call him!"

"I just said that I would, but I think I'm going to take a walk down by the lake and call him from there. Do you need me to pick up anything while I'm out?"

"No. I think we're good, but maybe when you're done you we could do something. You're giving me cabin fever."

"Which is actually sexually transmitted, did you know that?" Neela pointed out. Abby looked blankly back at her. "Oh, it's a movie starring that kid from Boy Meets World, the one with the hair."

"Okay, Neela, it's official. Your TV watching privileges are cut off. But we can discuss that later. Go call Ray!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going." Neela joked as she ran a brush through her hair and tugged on a pair of running shoes. She threw her bag over her shoulder and grabbed her phone on her way out the door. Pulling the door closed behind her, Neela jogged down the sidewalk and across the park to the footpath right on the water's edge. She often brought Joe to the adjacent park on the afternoons she watched him for Abby. She chose a bench in the shade overlooking the water and settled in to make the call.


	16. The Space Between

Chapter 16 – The Space Between

Disclaimer: Next verse, same as the first.

A/N: Again, thanks so much for the reviews. The time you've invested in reading this and offering feedback makes me try so hard to give you quality work in a timely fashion.

* * *

Chapter 16 – _The Space Between_

The party was winding down now. The cake had gone over well; so had the presents. Ash ran around and played with the other kids as though nothing had happened. Ray did notice that although he continued to climb, he stayed well away from the horizontal ladder. Ray chose a spot in the shade to watch as the kids continued playing and Darren helped Alyssa clean up the mess. He supposed he should help, too, but pulled away for a bit of alone time. He'd forgotten how oppressively heavy and hot the summers in Louisiana got. He'd been away for a long time. Even though his position was shaded, he could feel sweat streaming down his back, pasting his shirt to his hot, wet skin. Ray wiped his hand over the back of his neck and then dried it on his pant leg. He rubbed his hands over both of his quadriceps. He could tell that the sessions with Darren were paying off, and the increased muscle bulk pleased him. In his pocket he felt his phone vibrate, cutting into his thoughts. He pulled it out and looked at the screen. Abby. He was safe to answer.

"Hey, Lockhart. Can I call you back? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Neela glanced down at the phone in her hand. Somehow, she had picked up Abby's by mistake, even after all that ringtone nonsense. Never mind, now, though, the damage was done. He'd answered and she was going to have to talk to him.

"It's not Abby, Ray. It's me."

Upon hearing her voice, Ray had to remind himself how to breathe. "In and out," he instructed his lungs as he attempted to process what was happening. But, really, if he could barely manage unconscious brainstem functioning, how in the world could he expect to be capable of higher cerebral tasks like figuring out what to say to Neela? For the immediate future, he decided to concentrate on maintaining his minute ventilation.

She waited on the other end of the line. For a moment, she wasn't even sure that he was still breathing.

"Ray?" she asked, "Are you there?"

He inhaled deeply, increasing his tidal volume, and exhaled a sigh. "Yeah," he whispered, "I'm here."

After those words, he fell back into silence and Neela realized that she would have to take charge of the conversation. She let out her own sigh, closed her eyes, and started talking.

"I've been worried about you. I tried calling before, but the voicemail was full, and I could never get through to you. How are you getting along?" she blurted out all at once.

Ray responded with his own string of thoughts. "I'm okay. Things are going fine. Actually, I'm a little more worried about you than me. Pratt told me what happened. He said you were still off work."

"Yeah, it's been frustrating, of course, but Dr. Grossman says that the hand injury shouldn't affect my surgical skills."

"Grosssman?"

"From ortho. Dubenko and Crenshaw took care of the abdominal injuries, but Dr. Grossman repaired my hand."

"I see. I wish I had known, Neela. I feel like I should have done something."

"Oh, Ray. That's nonsense. You've been far to busy to be worrying about me."

"That's not true, Neela. That's never, I'm not ever too busy for that," he protested a little too vehemently.

Neela felt herself blushing. She remembered feeling his eyes on her from across the room, how her pulse quickened when he touched her. Then she remembered the last time she saw him, the cold distance between them, the horrific injuries. Tears welled in her eyes. "I'm so sorry Ray."

He heard the catch in her voice and struggled to hold his own emotions in check. "It's not your fault Neela. It's not your fault," he clarified.

"You saw us on the balcony, didn't you? That's what happened." After Ray's reaction that afternoon in the hospital, Neela had been quite certain of this.

Ray closed his eyes and thought back to that night. Yes, he absolutely had seen her outside with Gates. She was with him only moments after Hope had interrupted the two of them in the loft. Over the past few weeks, he had replayed the scene in his mind, wondering if he had overreacted. It was certainly possible. But on the other hand, it was also feasible to assume that Neela still had feelings for the other man. That had been the point he'd been trying to make all along.

"Yeah. I saw you with Gates. I don't know if I misinterpreted that or what happened before, but it didn't all add up, and I didn't deal well."

"That's probably the understatement of the century," Neela added.

"What I mean is, it wasn't your fault."

"Not everyone believes that, Ray."

"Who?"

"Katey said…" Neela started but Ray interrupted her.

"It doesn't matter what Katey said. This wasn't your fault. I promise." He added the last part for extra emphasis.

"That day before you left, Ray…" she started again.

"Neela, I didn't mean those things, well, actually, I thought that I did, but you know what I mean. I'm sorry about that day. I wasn't really myself."

Neela sniffed a little laugh. "It's fine, Ray, really. I understand."

"I hope that you do. I've wanted to talk to you ever since I left, to let you know that, but I just haven't had the courage or whatever to call you myself. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, and I've worried."

"I would have worried about you if I'd known."

Neela smiled into the phone. "I know you would have, Ray."

"Abby said you might be traveling some while you're off," Ray mused, changing the subject.

"I'm actually headed to London in the next few days. My father has insisted that I visit since I have some time off."

"Sounds like fun," he grinned. "As I remember from our Roomie days, your parents are quite lovely and flexible people."

"Tell me about it. I'm basically dreading it, but I can't continue to sit on Abby's couch and occasionally take Joe for walks by the lake."

"Have you had any therapy or anything for your hand?"

"They gave me some exercises to do."

"Well, you'd better make sure you're doing what they tell you to do, otherwise you'll end up back in the trenches with us."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm working on it. Listen, I hate to rush off, but I have to book a flight to London. When are you coming home?"

Ray paused to consider the question. In some ways, he already was, but he still had so many decisions to make, so many more people to consider. "I don't know yet," is the only answer he could decide upon for the time being.

"Well, I hope it's soon, but take as much time as you need, okay?"

"I will. Have a safe trip and give my best to your parents."

"Of course. For some reason, my father likes you. Can't understand it at all, personally."

Ray laughed, not sure how to answer that, so he just said, "Get better, Neela. I'm sure County is falling apart without you."

"And you," Neela added.

Ray laughed. "I'm not so sure about that, but hey, I'd better let you go. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Sure, Ray. I'd like that."

"I would, too." He paused for a moment. "Neela, I'm glad you called."

"I'm glad you're glad. Goodbye, Ray."

"Bye, Neela." Ray said as he closed his phone and sat back, glancing across the park to see his new friends, laughing and playing with the children on the playground.

Neela gazed out across the water as joggers passed on the path in front of her. The ease of her conversation with Ray surprised her, so did the content. She had assumed that some sort of blow-up would quite possibly have ensued, but Ray had been calm, almost peaceful. She couldn't explain it and she wasn't going to try. He said he was fine, and she almost believed him. But at this point, even if she didn't, what could she possibly do for him? Realizing that the answer was absolutely nothing, she opened the phone and found her name in Abby's contact list. After a moment, Abby answered her phone.

"Please tell me that my number isn't the only one that rings to 'Rehab.'" Abby said at once.

"Oh, no. Sorry. That's the incoming call ring for just about everyone."

"You mean I don't even get my own ring? I think I should have my own ring."

"Okay, I'll switch you to 'Battle Hymn of the Republic' or do you prefer the '1812 Overture'?" Neela laughed.

"Those come with the phone and have no special meaning to anyone!" Abby protested.

"Well, except to the people who wrote them. But do you want to continue to talk about my ringtones or do you want to hear about my phone call?"

Abby immediately agreed that hearing from Ray was much more interesting and asked for explicit and intimate details. Neela told the older woman that she was on her way back to the apartment to book her flight and inquired if Abby could still find a sitter for Joe. When Abby stated that she could, and Neela declared, "Then it's about time that we went out."


	17. This Ain't A Love Song

A/N: All the pertinent information can be found in Chapter 1. Thanks for the reviews!

Chapter 17 – _This Ain't a Love Song (or Story)_

Ray wiped the sweat dripping from his face again, and this time it wasn't only from the heat. But he'd done it. He'd gotten through the conversation with Neela. Actually, he'd held his own quite well. Talking with her had been so easy, so painless – something he could not say about any of the past month's events. Frankly, he'd been completely honest with her when he'd said he was glad that she had called. He knew it would have taken him a while longer to work up the courage to make the call himself. Using Abby's phone was a sneaky little touch, too. He wasn't sure if she'd done it on purpose, but he'd have to hand it to her if she did. He was definitely more likely to answer Abby's call than Neela's. But he had answered and it had been her and they had talked. She sounded well enough, although he knew she was definitely ambivalent about the trip to London. She'd be fine, though. A vacation from County would do her good, too. Sure, it would put her slightly off cycle, but in the scheme of a surgical residency, what was a couple more months?

After another moment of reflecting upon the conversation, Ray remembered where he was and what he had been doing. He turned back toward the pavilion where Darren and Alyssa continued to clean up from the party. Ray moved to join and help them. When he made his way over to them, Darren met him at the edge of the concrete floor.

"Important call?" Darren asked.

Ray nodded. "Neela."

"That's what I figured. Everything okay?"

Ray nodded again. "I don't want to get into it now, but yeah, it's fine."

"Good enough."

"Yeah, it is. Do you all need some help?" Ray asked, changing the subject.

"Sure. I'm going to load up the gifts now, but I think Alyssa could use some help rounding up everyone for one final game."

Ray gathered the kids for the piñata and handed out bags for them to collect the candy once they had demolished the papier-mâché spider. They scrambled like ants to scrape every sweet piece from the dusty ground and shoved them greedily in the containers Ray had provided. Ash helped Ray collect the stray strips of paper as his friends gathered their things to go. Ash dropped a mound of piñata in Ray's lap and ran to the pavilion to thank his guests for coming. Ray watched the young boy say goodbye to each of his friends. Darren walked up beside Ray and handed him a bag in which to deposit the remains.

"He's a good kid," Ray mused.

Darren smiled. "I told you he was. She's done a good job with him."

"It's not easy," decided Ray.

"No. It isn't. She's not your average anything, though." Darren pointed out to Ray.

"Are you trying to be, uh, encouraging?" Ray struggled to find an appropriate word.

"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."

Ray shook his head. "There are so many things wrong with this conversation."

"I'm just saying …"

"Don't."

"Whatever you want, man."

"It isn't about what I want or don't want."

"What is it about, Ray?"

"I don't even know."

"Well, then let me ask this another way, what do you want?"

Ray swallowed. "I want to go back to Chicago, back to work. Can I have that, Darren? Can you tell me right now that I'll be able to do that?"

Darren nodded slowly. "Yes, Ray. I've been trying to tell you that for the past month. Will you please start believing me?"

"I'm trying."

Darren grinned. "You're definitely trying."

"You know what I mean," Ray protested.

"Yes, I absolutely do."

"Let's just help her finish cleaning up here."

Darren agreed to do so and the conversation was dropped for the time being. They packed the kids into cars and prepared to leave themselves when Audri suggested that they all get together later for dinner and drinks. Alyssa vehemently refused, stating that she wasn't going anywhere without Ash until she was certain he had no lingering effects from his fall. Her parents offered to watch him, but she could not be swayed. Ray remembered his mother's insistence on his own birthday party and invited them all over to his house for the evening. They gladly accepted. Ray excused himself as he had plenty of preparations to make before they all arrived later. He reminded them to bring their swimsuits as he and Darren pulled out of the park and headed to the store.

On the way, he called his mother and Jack to let them know that he had planned an impromptu dinner party. They were still on the lake, so Ray left a message and had Darren start a shopping list. As they drove to the market, Ray had Darren invite a few more of their friends in the area. Glenn and the rest of the guys from last weekend already had plans, so the head count came to eleven. By the time they reached the store, the two of them had planned a menu and entertainment. They quickly shopped and returned to the house to prepare for the guests, stopping only at Darren's house long enough for him to grab a change of clothes and his vehicle.

In his mother's kitchen, Ray collected ingredients to marinate the chicken and steaks as he waited for Darren to catch up. Upon his arrival at the Barnett house, Darren browsed Jacy's bar and decided they needed a few additions. Darren headed to the liquor store and told Ray he'd stop by the gym to get some ice as well. Ray headed out to the back yard to check the grill and the pool. Since Jacy meticulously maintained her home, Ray found everything in perfect order for entertaining. He planned where he wanted to arrange the outdoor furniture and entertainment equipment and came back inside to wait for Darren to get back and help him move it. While he waited, he prepared side dishes and set out the grilling supplies. When that was finished, he returned to his apartment to collect some music. His plan was to keep the mood light, festive and mellow, and he made his selections accordingly. Darren returned with the ice and booze and went to work mixing up a batch of sangria for the festivities. As he stirred the concoction, he turned to Ray.

"So what else do we need to do before they get here?"

"Um, I don't know. Can you move some stuff around outside, skim the pool and check the lights and lanterns to make sure they're all working?"

"Sounds like you're pretty sure about what needs done and it all sounds like it involves work for me."

"Someone has to do the legwork, and I'm still slightly out of commission in that respect."

"That excuse will only work for a few more days."

"Well, I'm using it as long as it has legs. And I don't."

"You're awful."

"I know. Don't tell Alyssa. She gets upset about those jokes."

"It's one of her rules."

"I understand that, Darren, but sometimes you have to laugh at yourself."

"Just watch yourself. I know you don't want to get on her bad side."

"I'm ignoring that and taking this out to the grill."

"I'm right behind you."

"The net is hanging on the building, and the rest of the supplies are inside."

Ray led the way to the back yard and fired up the grill while Darren moved things around according to Ray's directions. At 5:30, as they were getting ready to start grilling, Jacy and Jack pulled into the driveway. They climbed out of the vehicle, both carrying armloads of groceries. Ray and Darren stopped what they were doing to help. Jacy instructed Darren to grab the cake from the backseat. Ray rolled his eyes at the mention of a cake. Leave it to his mother to turn the whole thing into a birthday party for him. He was pleasantly surprised, however, to see that the cake had Spider-man on it and simply said "Happy Birthday." That could easily be attributed to Asher's big day and not his. He grabbed the last load of groceries and followed the rest of them inside. Jacy had already begun cooking. She was pre-heating the oven to warm macaroni and baked beans she had picked up at the store. She looked approvingly at Ray's fruit salad, vegetable tray and assorted dips with chips. She wrapped ears of corn and prepared fruit skewers for Ray to place on the grill with the chicken, steak and hot dogs. Finally, she opened a ready-made container of potato salad and placed it in the refrigerator to chill as she had Ray wash and place vegetables in the food chopper to become toppings for the vegetable pizza she was making on a store-bought crust. Within 25 minutes, she had prepared a complete menu while Jack helped Darren on the patio. Ray got the grilling started and Jack offered to take over so that the two younger men could get cleaned up for their guests. Darren used the upstairs bathroom that had once been Ray's as Ray quickly showered in his new room. By the time their guests arrived, both men were clean and refreshed. Darren and Ray served drinks and chips while Jacy and Jack freshened up. Asher, Mark and Mary were all wearing swimsuits and headed straight for the pool. Audri and Alyssa instructed them to wait for grown-ups before getting in the water. As the entire group made their way to the backyard to watch the kids, Jacy and Jack appeared. Ray made all the introductions and went to check on dinner. As he entered the kitchen, he saw his mother and Alyssa taking a seat on lawn chairs beside the pool. He could only imagine what that conversation would entail.

Darren and Jack helped Ray set up a buffet line on the kitchen island before they called everyone inside to fill their plates. Ray came out to check on his mom and Alyssa, still sitting by the pool watching the kids.

"I'll stay with these guys if you all are hungry," Ray charmed as he came up behind the two women.

"Thanks, Ray. I was just telling your mom about this afternoon," Alyssa informed him

Ray blushed a little. "Oh, yeah, I was so busy when we got home I almost forgot. Hey, just make sure Ash doesn't rub real hard with the towel or scrub his face or head with soap."

Alyssa shook her head. "He's a five-year-old boy, Ray. I don't think that will be a problem."

Jacy laughed. "The summer when Ray was seven, he insisted that swimming was the same thing as bathing. I think I managed to get him in the tub a handful of times all summer."

Ray blushed more deeply now. "I'm much cleaner now," he managed, turning toward Alyssa.

She laughed. "I see what I have to look forward to. I'm going to get some food. You don't mind to watch them, Ray?"

"Nope. That's why I offered."

"Great. Can I get you a plate?" Alyssa asked before she could think about what she was saying.

Ray looked up at her, speechless for a second. "No thanks. I'll get something later."

Alyssa nodded and almost ran into the kitchen. Ray sat staring at Jacy.

Ray's mother turned to him. "She's lovely."

"Get some food, Mom. I'll watch the kids."

Jacy stood, patted Ray's hand and walked into the house behind the younger woman. As Ray sat beside the pool, Darren joined him in the seat that had been Alyssa's.

"Good party. Happy Birthday, by the way. Jack told me."

"Wonderful. I thought this would kill two birds with one stone. My mom wanted to do something for the occasion, and everyone was looking for something to do tonight. It all worked out."

"I guess so. Hey, listen, I invited someone else over. She had to work until 7, but she's coming over then, or now I guess."

"Barbara Ann?"

"Very funny, Ray."

"I thought I might be able to pull that one off, but seriously, Rhonda is welcome."

"I'm going to go out front and wait for her. Are you okay here with the kids?"

"I think I can handle it," Ray winked. Darren stood and slapped Ray on the back before he walked around to the front of the house to meet his date.

Alyssa passed Darren on the way back out to the pool. "Ash, Mark and Mary!" she called to the children, "Grammy is in the kitchen and she's going to help you get plates. Hop out and get something to eat." Surprisingly, they all listened and dried off thoroughly before traipsing into the house. Alyssa took her seat back and handed Ray a plate.

"What's this?"

"You looked hungry."

"Did you already eat?"

"Mine is on the counter inside. I have to get it. What do you want to drink?"

"Um, some of the stuff Darren made. It's in the green pitcher."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

Ray watched her walk across the back deck and into the house. Her hips swayed ever so slightly with the music. Ash met her at the door. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his wet, sandy-colored head against her hip. She twirled him in a circle, her hand on his head. As briefly as he had glued himself to his mother, Ash disengaged and ran to the picnic table where Grammy had set his plate. She stood in the fading twilight for a moment, as though she had forgotten why she was there. Shielding her eyes from the glare reflecting off the water and the smooth surface of the floor, she followed Ash's form across the yard to the table. Suddenly, like she had been struck by an idea, she straightened and seemed acutely aware of her surroundings. She glanced around to see if anyone had seen her. Ray surreptitiously lowered his eyes making it seem as though he was entirely engrossed in the contents of his plate. He shot a sly glance back in Alyssa's direction, but she had moved. Ray watched her grab two cups of sangria and balance her plate on top of them before carefully making her way back to him. When she stopped in front of him, he lifted the plate and held it while she situated herself on the chaise lounge. She handed him his drink and reclaimed her dish. Ray couldn't take his eyes off of her. The sun's dying rays cast her in an illuminating glow. Her newly lightened and highlighted hair shone brilliantly as she shook it out of her face. He'd been with more than his share of women, most of them pretty, some bordering on beautiful. Alyssa fell into the category of the latter, for sure, but there was more. She possessed a peaceful serenity that permeated the air around her. He perceived it washing over him whenever he was near her. He loved the calm he felt when she was around. And that was the most contradictory part of the whole thing. Their relationship was a product of the chaos and uncertainty that currently ruled his life and as was such, he found himself strictly off limits to her and vice versa. Besides, there was Neela. Wasn't there? Yes, Ray allowed himself to think that there still was.

"Do I have something on my face?" Alyssa asked, about half joking. He'd been caught.

"Sorry. Spaced out there for a second. Was I staring?" He thought he covered well.

"Yeah."

"Sorry."

"You said that."

"Oh." Ray drained his cup. "You want another?" he asked her, not really noting the full one in her hand. "I'll be right back." He saw Darren round the corner with Rhonda on his arm.

"Hey, Ray. This is Rhonda Jackson. Rhonda, Ray Barnett." Darren explained.

She extended her hand to him. "It's nice to meet you. Thanks for the invitation. Looks like a good time."

"Well, that's the plan. Grab a plate of food. I think we have enough to feed an army."

"Thanks. I will." She headed into the kitchen as Ray and Darren stopped at the bar.

Ray turned back to his friend. "Very nice, man."

"I pull a little every once in a while."

"That was crass." Both men jerked around to see Alyssa behind them. "I came to get my own drink since you two were otherwise occupied."

"Did you meet Rhonda?" Ray asked, attempting to bail Darren out of trouble. Alyssa shook her head.

"I'll introduce you." Darren blurted, making his exit from the situation by scampering into the kitchen.

"So that's what you guys talk about when I'm not around?"

"I hate to break it to you, but that's what all guys talk about when girls aren't around."

She rolled her eyes. "My son is going to become one of you, isn't he?"

"If you're lucky." Ray gave her his patented pursed lip smirk.

She feigned gagging, rolled her eyes again and poured herself another drink. Ray held out his cup and she poured him another serving as well. Together, they followed Darren and Rhonda into the house where introductions between the two women could be made. After a while, everyone reconvened around the pool where Jack had lit all the lanterns. The kids had run down sufficiently. Mark and Ash were sitting quietly on lawn chairs whereas Mary had already fallen asleep on her mother's lap. The grandparents offered to take the kids home and get them in bed so that Audri and Alyssa could stay a bit longer. Alyssa hedged at first but finally decided that it would be an acceptable arrangement.

The remaining adults found places around the pool. Ray left his chair and sat back on an overstuffed outdoor loveseat on the other side of the pool. Alyssa joined him with Jack and Jacy taking places on a similar couch on the house side. Audri found a lawn chair and placed it at one corner of the pool. Darren refilled everyone's drinks and tossed Ray the sound system's remote before settling behind Rhonda on a chaise lounge. Ray leaned back into his seat and started one of the playlists he had created earlier in the day. As the music wafted across the faint June breeze, Jack led Jacy back toward the house to a makeshift dance floor on the wooden deck. They swayed back and forth to the beat of the music, a soothing mix of jazzy slow songs. Alyssa shivered slightly. Ray automatically wrapped his arm around her and felt her rest back against his chest. No one seemed to notice, though, as Rhonda and Darren joined the dancers. Audri was watching the other couples and didn't even glance across to where her sister was seated. Norah Jones began singing _Come Away with Me_, and Alyssa turned her head toward Ray.

"I love this song," she whispered, her soft breath tickling his neck.

"Oh yeah? I had you pegged for a Bon Jovi fan."

She ran her right arm down her left, hugging herself tightly. "Well I am, but I like this, too."

Ray twirled a strand of her hair in between his fingers. "Let's dance, then."

Alyssa scooted forward and turned around to face him. "You sure?"

"It's circles, Alyssa. I'm not suggesting we attempt the Foxtrot or the Paso Doble."

"Sure. I'd like that." She stood and held out a hand to help him stand. Together they stepped behind their seat. Ray placed his hands around Alyssa's waist and gently pulled her close to him. She leaned her head on his right shoulder and placed her left hand on his chest. With the other hand, she reached up to his left shoulder and continued up the back of his neck into his hair, tickling slightly with her fingers.

Ray breathed in the clean scent he'd noticed since the first time he met her. He had no idea how she maintained such a level of freshness all day. He'd had two showers that day and was sweating yet again. But it struck him that the heat of the night wasn't the only warmth he was feeling. He was certain that alcohol was clouding both of their powers of judgment, but holding her in his arms felt so damn good. The song ended, and he turned his face down toward her to find that she was already looking up at him. He leaned down and in to kiss her but abruptly stopped, shaking his head to clear the fog.

"We can't do this." He was thinking this was probably the only time in his life that he'd been the one to say no, but here he was doing it. Apparently it was all downhill from 29.

"Yes we can, Ray. We're almost doing it," she pleaded, so unlike the woman Ray had come to admire.

He placed his hands on her shoulders and carefully but softly disengaged their bodies. "I know I've had enough to drink to be feeling it, and I'm guessing that you have, too. So, if you still want this in the morning we can figure something out, but I'm not going to let us make a terrible mistake."

She dropped her eyes and nodded briefly. "You're right. Plus, I'm your doctor. That's not a good, or legal, combination."

He looked up to see the others watching them. He took the few steps back to his chair. Audri jumped up and suggested that they all call it a night as the hour was getting late. Everyone helped clean up around the pool. Audri and Jacy finished putting away the food in the kitchen. Alyssa helped Ray take the stereo back into his apartment. Finally, everything was pretty much in its right place, and Darren and Rhonda were the first to leave. Jacy and Jack headed upstairs while Ray accompanied Audri and Alyssa to their car. Audri hopped in the driver's seat, but Alyssa leaned against the passenger side door. Ray stood in front of her with the intent of opening the door. However, looking down at her, he was suddenly overcome with more desire and longing for her than he could bear. He leaned in and kissed her firmly. Her body melted into his, returning the embrace for a few seconds. Then, just as abruptly as he had begun the advance, she pulled away.

"I thought we weren't doing this," she panted, more out of breath from shock than from the exertion.

Ray shrugged. "I'm pretty sure Jon Bon Jovi could write a song about what we aren't doing."

Alyssa sniffed a little laugh. "I'm pretty sure he already has."

Ray traced the outline of her profile with his index finger. "Goodnight, Alyssa."

She squeezed his and hugged him quickly. "Happy Birthday, Ray. Goodnight." She slipped into the passenger's seat, Audri started the car and they were gone. Ray was left standing in the driveway scratching his head. He definitely had not planned this.


	18. Where It Ends

A/N: Thanks for all your reviews and feedback.

Disclaimer: As always, can be found in Chapter 1

* * *

Chapter 18 – _Where It Ends Usually Depends On Where It Starts_

He had reduced her to a silly schoolgirl. She chided herself every time she invented an excuse to walk down to the gym, which had been six times so far. And it was only 9:45. Finally, Darren had sent her back to the office – to get her out of his hair, no doubt – promising to call when Ray arrived. Alyssa knew how pathetic she had to look. She also knew that she'd been a little bit drunk on Saturday night, but she didn't regret the kiss. She hoped that Ray didn't, either, but the waiting was almost more than she could bear. He'd completely unnerved her. She'd even snapped at Ash this morning at breakfast when he'd insisted on pouring his own milk and had spilled it all over the kitchen table. She'd have to call him at lunch to apologize; her edginess had nothing to do with her son.

Finally, Alyssa stopped pacing her office like a caged animal and took a seat behind the desk. It had been a long time since she'd felt this way about anyone. Not since Jason, Ash's father, who had been her high school sweetheart. No matter how many times they'd broken up or gone their separate ways over the years, they'd always ended up back together. His career was actually more of a problem to their relationship than hers was. He'd been deployed to more war zones than she cared to count over the span of their relationship. He'd been too young to enlist for Somalia, but Bosnia, Afghanistan and Iraq had punctuated the years of their lives together. And after each tour, he'd gotten more distant, more out of touch with her and the world around him to the point that in between assignments, he was only planning for the next one. She found out she was pregnant with Ash three weeks after he'd come back from a year in Afghanistan. She thought the idea of a child, his child, would make him want to stay. She ached for them to be the family she had envisioned when they first met and throughout the years that they had been a couple, but he wasn't the same. She tried to get him to talk to someone at the VA, but he refused. He told her in no uncertain terms that everyone had trouble when they got back and he wasn't about to have some diagnosis put in his folder that could jeopardize his military career. She knew that should have told her enough, but she was almost as stubborn as he was when it came to this issue. She clung to the hope that when Ash was born, Jason would want things to change. She could kick herself now for being such a silly, needy girl.

It wasn't as though she didn't love Ash more than anything or that she would have made a different decision about motherhood knowing Jason's ultimate reaction. And he had tried after Ash was born, he really had. But it was quickly obvious that a baby didn't fix their problems. Again, Alyssa cringed at the thought that she had actually believed that it would. After four months, Jason had told her that he couldn't do it anymore. And it was over. Thirteen years after they had started dating, he'd packed his duffel and was gone. He'd done two tours in Iraq before taking a job with one of those soldier-for-hire firms and getting out of the military for good. He made excellent money, and he always made sure that Ash was provided for. She hadn't seen him since she'd come to Louisiana and only once since he'd left them. They both knew that it had been the right move for all of them, but it still hurt. He'd told her that he wasn't able to be a husband and a father and that he didn't want him to prevent her and Ash from having a good, full life from which he knew he would always hold them back. She'd understood and even agreed with him, but it still pained her to see Ash growing into a young boy who needed a father.

She'd gone on a few dates since coming to Baton Rouge but there had been no one with whom she had really clicked. She knew she automatically held everyone at arm's length because of Ash and also because of Jason. It was hard to forget someone who had been part of your life for almost half of it. Darren had been a good friend and an amazing help with Ash, but she didn't have romantic feelings toward him. Ray was different. She'd never become involved with a patient before, but then again, most of her patients were over 70. But Ray was more than a patient. He was a peer. Plus he really seemed to understand Ash, and the two of them had formed a special bond. She liked him, too. This kiss had been a shock, but even if she hadn't been drinking, she would have welcomed it. And that wasn't necessarily a good thing. Relationships with patients were strictly forbidden by every code of ethics and good sense.

Her phone rang. Darren told her that Ray had arrived. She told him to have Ray stop by her office on the way out. The therapist said he'd do so, but after she hung up she decided she couldn't wait. She stood from her chair and walked down the hall to the gym. Ray hadn't yet begun his workout and he turned as she came through the door. Her shoes squeaked on the tile as she walked over to him. She sensed the color rise in her face as he ducked his eyes and smiled at her.

"Do you have a moment or is Darren waiting on you?" she asked with more nerve than she actually felt.

"No. I'm on my own today. Exam room okay?" It was close and unoccupied. She nodded and he followed her into the area.

She sat on the rolling stool and he leaned back on the exam table. He rubbed a hand through his hair as he looked down at her. It was oddly refreshing to look down at someone again. Her hair was pulled back tightly and pinned at the nape of her neck and she was wearing a pink oxford shirt, khaki ankle-length pants with brown loafers. She hadn't bothered with her white coat upon leaving her office. He smiled at her, a little guilty smirk, before speaking.

"I should apologize for the other night," he started and she looked up to protest. He raised his hand to stop her, "I should apologize," he continued, unconsciously oozing charm he hadn't been sure he possessed anymore, "But I'm not sorry."

She exhaled a little laugh. "I'm not sure how to respond to that."

"Transfer my care," he blurted before having the chance to explain. The second they were out he wanted the words back.

She looked up and blinked twice as confusion crept across her face. "If that's what you want, I'd be happy to refer you to someone else."

He shook his head, "It's not so much what I want as what needs to happen. I don't to create problems for you." He was losing control of this situation quickly.

"It's not a problem, Ray, but if that's what you want, I'll get things started." She stood to leave but he grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him. She feebly attempted to resist him but gave up and let him.

"You've never been involved with a patient," he breathed into her hair. It wasn't a question.

She rested her head against his chest and felt his chin on top of it. "And I suppose you have."

She felt him nod. "It's generally not a good thing."

"So by transferring your care you're saying what?" she surprised herself by how forward that sounded coming out of her mouth.

"I'm saying that I don't want to screw up anything for you or for Ash." He knew he wasn't saying the right words, but he couldn't.

She leaned back and smiled sadly at him. "That's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I guess it will have to do."

He pushed a stray lock of hair out of her face but allowed his hand to linger on the side of her face. "I _am_ sorry, Alyssa." He really was.

She pushed back from him now. "I should go. We both have work to do."

He grabbed her wrist again. "Don't. I don't know what you want me to say." Except that he did.

"If you don't know that, Ray, then I think we're done here. Dr. Guyertson is on today. If it's alright with you, I'll get him up to speed on your case." She pulled at her wrist and he dropped it.

"Alyssa, don't do this. You want me to say something that I don't know that I mean, and I can't do that. You're beautiful and fun and new and I love your son, but I can't be what you need, what he needs." Ray looked down and away from her and shook his head. "God, I wish I could, but I can't. I'm not."

"How very convenient, Ray." She rolled her eyes as she lowered her head sadly. "I really should go. Don't worry about anything. I'm still your doctor. I'll take care of everything."

Ray rubbed his temples as he watched her walk out of the room. He knew exactly what she had wanted him to say, or the gist of it anyway, and even though it had been on the tip of his tongue, he couldn't get it out. He guessed that some things never changed, no matter how much he wished that they would, or how he wished that he could change them. He wanted to be the man she thought he was, the man she and Ash deserved. The man Neela deserved. He realized this was still his major hang-up, and one phone conversation couldn't fix what needed to be repaired between them. He didn't know if Neela was his future, his one, but before there could be anyone else, there had to be her. He wanted to go back. He needed to go back. He knew that he couldn't repair anything in Baton Rouge except himself, and he couldn't do that without Alyssa.

"Shit," he mumbled to himself as he set off to find her. She was halfway down the hall to her office by the time he'd gotten it together to follow her. "Alyssa," he called after her and she turned.

"I thought we were done, Dr. Barnett," she said coolly as she started back down the hall. Rather than grab her hand here in the corridor, he followed her into her office before she had a chance to close the door in his face.

"Alyssa, listen to me, please," he almost begged. "I don't want to transfer to Dr. Guyertson. I trust you to get me back to where I need to be. But if I don't, that means our relationship is professional. I wanted there to be options." He closed his eyes again. Wrong word. She jumped right on it.

"I'm not your option Ray, and neither is my son."

"None of this is coming out right." He conceded. "That's not what I mean. I only meant to say that the other way, there's only one choice and that's me as patient and you as doctor until I'm back in Chicago at least."

"And back with Neela. So you just needed to make sure that everything was fully operational before then. No need for clarification," she said evenly.

Ray sighed. She wasn't completely off the mark. "It's not like that," he tried, attempting to be convincing.

"Of course it isn't, Ray. Just because I've never personally become involved with a patient before doesn't mean that I haven't seen it. This is rehab medicine. People are scared to death that they'll never be 'normal' again. They do whatever they can to convince themselves that they'll make it on the outside. Granted, a lot of the patients here are elderly, but after that, young men are our biggest customers. Young, stupid men and they are invariably preoccupied with whether or not anyone will ever find them attractive or sexual anymore. There's a tremendous amount of transference that occurs in places like this. That's all this was with maybe the tiniest bit of countertransference thrown on top." She had seen it happen often enough with colleagues and nurses, but never to her. Never before this.

If that's how she was choosing to play it, Ray would be more than happy to go along. "Okay, so even if that is the case, that isn't enough reason for us to sever our professional relationship. We crossed a line, but we can be very intentional about not doing that ever again. There's no need to throw away all the work we've done." He moved to the edge of his seat as he awaited her answer.

She carefully pondered what he had suggested and decided that they could at the very least give it one more try. "I suppose that we can continue working together under that condition."

Ray smiled the biggest, most genuine smile she'd seen from him all day. "Thank you. I can't do this without your help."

She nodded a curt little bob of her head. "We'll have you back in Chicago before you know it," she assured him, smiling a tight smile that didn't extend to her eyes. "Now you'd better get back to the gym. We all have a lot of work to do in the interim."

He nodded and gave her another little smile before backing out of the office and retreating down the hall.

As soon as he was gone, she stood and closed the door to her cubicle, flipping the lock. She stopped in front of her chair and looked at it for a moment before plopping down in it. She dropped her head into her hands propped on the desktop. She sat there for a moment contemplating tears, but decided that if one made them fall, they must not be real. Sadly satisfied with this, she looked up and started on the mound of paperwork on her desk. She realized that there really wasn't anything else to be done. She'd finish her job and prepare him to leave her, to be ready to go back to Chicago and to Neela. She wiped away the one tear that silently escaped from her eye upon this revelation. There really was no other option.


	19. Anticipation Has the Habit to Set You Up

A/N: Now we're getting to the heart of the matter. Thanks again for all your feedback.

* * *

Chapter 19 – _Anticipation Has the Habit to Set You Up_

By October Ray was walking. He had no doubts that he and Alyssa had made the right decision that morning four months earlier. Every time he got out of bed and walked into his mother's house or up the stairs to his old room, he was sure of it. Darren had started an entirely new set of exercises aimed at building endurance and perfecting balance. Ray was tall, over 6 feet, so the latter was sometimes a problem. In the first few days he'd teetered around as though he was walking on stilts, but things were improving. Gradually. He felt safer, more secure with support but could see a day in his future when he'd get around smoothly.

The worst part had been the pain. And wasn't it always? Alyssa had told him that the method of post-operative casting she utilized was designed to reset the pain threshold and allow patients to wean from narcotics more quickly. He'd been off the fentanyl patch since two or three weeks after arriving in Baton Rouge until they started the "heavy lifting." He was tapering back down again, now though. The next 3 days he was scheduled for the 12.5 mcg patch, the smallest dose per hour. He'd gotten used to living around 7/10, which he now rated about 5/10 without meds and 2/10 with. He'd always had very little patience or tolerance for patients he felt were seeking drugs in the ER. Now he was rethinking his stance on the subject. Some of them might really be in pain, and pain was not a good thing. It clouded your mind as blearily as the narcotic used to relieve it, but there was no sense of release. Only the stabbing, throbbing, searing ache that never really relented. It was his constant companion, and given the choice, he'd rather be alone. Yet there was no choice, other than the meds, which helped some. But he knew he couldn't rely on them much longer. His goal was to treat patients, and he'd have to be clean to do that.

On a more positive note, his relationship with Alyssa had remained mostly professional and completely positive. A few weeks after the ill-advised kiss and the increased amount of time they spent together as Ray had stepped up his rehab efforts, tensions sort of melted away. She was the team leader and the captain of his cheering squad. He knew it was mostly her job, but still, he appreciated her efforts. They were becoming friends, and that's what Ray really needed now, whether or not he always realized it. Ash had fared well in the arrangement, too. Darren's goal was always to have Ray out in the world, walking around on different surfaces and in different situations. In doing so, he had assigned Ray to Ash's soccer team as an assistant coach. The young doctor was always at practices and games, mainly carrying juice boxes and mesh jerseys or whatever Darren instructed him to do, but it meant they all got to spend time together.

Ray hadn't really been an athlete growing up other than the obligatory little league and such, but Darren was always finding novel ways to push him. Darren had been hooked up with the Louisiana Hiking Club for a number of years, so that was a fun and challenging way to increase Ray's skill with the prosthetics. They had taken a handful of day and weekend trips. Ray had to admit that he really enjoyed the outdoors, camping and hiking, things he hadn't had a lot of experience with as a boy. He experienced a great sense of accomplishment every time they completed an increasingly difficult trail. He wasn't exactly sure how they did it, but Alyssa and Darren were the most supportive and motivating duo he'd ever encountered. Sure, there were days when giving up was a valid option, but they always seemed to sense right when he was at his breaking point and never gave in before it was absolutely necessary.

He'd gotten back into swimming, too. That was something he'd enjoyed as a child and teenager and had even been on the high school team a couple of years. Now, it was sometimes easier to maneuver through water than air. Buoyancy was a beautiful principle, and he took full advantage of it. He quickly realized that some strokes relied heavily on the kick and others, not so much. It became a little game he played with himself, counting laps of kick only, arm pulls only, alternating strokes, keeping time. It was almost like he was competing again, but this time his only opponent was himself. He had completely rebuilt his body over the past three months, too. He'd always been long and lean, but now he cut an even more streamlined path through the water, and air. Of course, the energy expenditure of walking with two prosthetic legs was greatly increased over none or even one, and he was burning calories like a super-charged engine eats gas. As a result, he'd completely revamped his diet to keep up with the nutritional needs and found that he actually had increased energy and improved sleep. He guessed anything had to better than how he ate, slept and occasionally worked out while taking shifts at County. He was almost embarrassed to admit that this was the best shape he'd been in for years. Somehow it seemed a fair trade-off, though. He should be getting something out of all of this, shouldn't he?

He was settling into life in Baton Rouge, with his mom and Jack, with Darren, Alyssa and Ash. He knew that meant it would soon be time to go. He'd tentatively planned to go back to Chicago after the first of the year, and depending on how things went with his meeting with the residency director and whoever was the current chief of the ER. Currently it was some guy from the ICU named Moretti that Pratt was always bitching about when they talked on the phone. Neela was still visiting her family. Pratt had said she'd planned to come back some weeks ago, but her brother had been in an accident on a moped and she'd offered to stay and help out at the restaurant until he got back to work. Apparently she was in no hurry to get back to County, either.

One Friday afternoon in the middle of the month, the day before Ash's championship soccer game, Darren released Ray from his daily session after giving him a list of tasks to complete before and on the day of the game. Ray nodded distractedly as Darren went over each tedious chore with him explicitly. He saw Alyssa over the other man's shoulder and wanted to catch her before she and Ash made it out the door.

"Yeah, Darren. I understand, but I need to talk to them before they leave," he motioned toward the two figures in the hall and ducked under Darren's arm to get to them. The physical therapist shook his head and shrugged his shoulders in defeat as he watched Ray jog down the hall. Well, maybe it was more like accomplishment than defeat, he thought.

"Hey, guys. I'm glad I caught you," he said as he skidded to a stop in front of them, placing a hand on the wall to balance himself. He still had some things to work on.

"Hey, Ray!" Ash exclaimed, jumping to slap five with the taller man.

"You ready for the game?" Ray asked.

Ash nodded. "We talked about it all day. Taylor said his team was going to beat us because his dad knew more about soccer than you and Darren, but I didn't get to say anything to him because Miss Norris put his name on the board for talking during the story."

Ray laughed. "Serves him right." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a dog-eared paperback and held it out to Ash. "This is why I came over, though."

"The Wine-d in the …" Ash began reading, pronouncing the second word with a long I.

Ray jumped in to correct him. "Those are some tough words, but the second one there, it can be pronounced like either wine-d or win-d. This time it's like win."

"Win-d. Wind? Like the air!" Ray nodded and Ash tried for the last big word, the longest one. "In the Will-owls?" He looked up at Ray. "What is that?"

Ray grinned. "Close. Will-ohs. Willows, it's a type of tree and it rhymes with pillows."

Ash nodded. He was good at rhyming. He read the entire title "_The Wind in the Willows_."

"Good." Ray affirmed.

"What's it about?" Ash asked, craning his neck to look up at Ray.

"It's about animals, but I'm not going to tell you the whole story. You have to read it and tell me about it." Ray smiled down at him. "It was one of my favorites when I was your age. I thought you and your mom might like to read it."

"Yeah, okay. Mom can we start tonight?" he turned to Alyssa, handing her the book to put in his backpack.

She nodded. "We finished _The Hundred and One Dalmatians_ last night, so we needed a new one. This will be perfect. What do you tell Ray?"

"Thanks, Ray!" Ash gushed. "Did your mom wash your soccer shirt? Because we all have to wear our shirts tomorrow so we're a team." Ash quickly returned to the important subject, tomorrow's game.

Ray nodded. "She wouldn't let me do it myself because she was afraid I'd put it in with the wrong load and turn all my socks pink."

"Because it's a red shirt," Ash explained to Alyssa who nodded, a gigantic smile across her face.

"Right," Ray confirmed, "But it's all clean and ready to go for tomorrow. You'd better get home and some good sleep tonight. We need everybody to be fresh tomorrow."

Ash grinned. "We're going right now. Mom's making chili dogs for dinner so I'll have lots of energy. Do you want to come to our house for dinner?" Ash asked.

"Ray probably already has plans for dinner, Ash," Alyssa quickly interjected.

He shook his head. "I actually don't, but I don't want to impose. Plus you have to get to bed early. So do I, and Darren gave me this big long list of stuff to do, so I'd better start working on it. I'll see you tomorrow morning on the field. Okay?"

"Okay, Ray. See you tomorrow!" Ash said as he started down the hall toward the door.

Alyssa lingered, still smiling. "You can come if you want. I'll teach him not to invite people over without permission anther day. Maybe we could get in a laundry lesson before he goes to bed, too."

He chuckled. "Thanks for the offer, but Darren really did give me a two-page list of various tasks that MUST be finished before 10 am tomorrow morning."

"Only two pages," she mused. "He's slipping. See you in the morning."

"Good night." He turned and watched her walk down the hall before starting back to the gym to pick up his stuff and the rest of Darren's list. Halfway to his destination, a young girl, obviously a clinic employee stopped him.

"Dr. Barnett?" she asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, that's me, but you can call me Ray."

"I'm Lori. I work in billing, and I have a question about this month's statement. I know it should be pretty self-explanatory since it's private pay, but I got a little confused." She opened the folder she was carrying and set it on the ledge at the nurse's station, pulling out a sheet of paper and handed it to him. He glanced over the paper and the ledger showing the charges he'd accrued over the last month. His eyes trailed to an ungodly number tallied in the bottom right corner. At the top of the page it had his name and address but under account payor Jack's name was listed.

"I'm a little confused about this, too, Lori. The medical bills are supposed to be paid by a trust set up by money from the settlement of a lawsuit. Why do the bills go to Mr. Adams?"

She looked a little more unsure of herself as she answered. "I'm not exactly sure. This is only my second month, and I'm not completely familiar with all the accounts, but I do know that Mr. Adams has been paying all the bills on this account. I don't know any more than that. Sorry."

"No, it's doesn't have anything to do with you, but I probably can't answer your questions because I had no idea about any of this. Let me check on this and get back to you on Monday? Is that okay?" He walked off distractedly before she could answer or ask her question. She stuck the paper back in the folder and went back to her office. She hoped she hadn't done anything wrong.

Ray blew through the gym, grabbing his things and barely speaking to Darren as he pushed through the door to get to the parking lot and his vehicle. He fired it up and drove to his mother's office in Jack's shopping center. He pulled into one of the front-end spaces in front of her window and jumped out of the car. There were no clients around, and he could see Jacy and Jack sitting in her office. He came through the office door without knocking, although the front bell had alerted them to the presence of a newcomer. Jacy came through the doorway when she saw him.

"Hi, Sweetheart. What are you doing here?" she asked, walking toward her son.

"I need to ask guys a few questions." Jacy nodded and motioned for him to come in the office where Jack was still sitting. Ray took a place in the other chair. "Mainly," he began, "Why is Jack paying the bills at HealthSouth?"

Jacy and Jack exchanged guilty looks at one another. Jacy decided to take this one. "We didn't want you to have to worry about anything while you were getting better. It was just easier for us to take care of things and deal with all the legal stuff later."

"What legal stuff?" Ray asked, completely confused now. "I thought that was all done."

Jack broke in thing time. "We may have misled you there, Ray. It takes a considerable amount of time and information to settle a suit like this. Again, we didn't want to worry you with the details and thought it best to let you believe that everything was finished."

Ray sighed. "I appreciate everything that you all have done for me, and I understand that you wanted to save me from any more worry, but you should have told me. If there's something that needs to be done with the lawyers and all, I need to do it."

Jacy looked at Jack and back at Ray. "You'll have to go to Chicago to do that, I'm afraid. That's what your attorney is telling us. I just didn't know if you were ready yet."

Ray gave his mom a little grin. "You can't protect me from this, Mom. I know we haven't discussed it, but I'm going back. For good, or at least to finish my residency."

"When?" Jacy asked. She had known for some time that he would go.

"After the holidays. I have to talk to the residency director, but I'd like to start taking shifts in the spring so I can make up the time I missed at the end of my R3 year to start full-time in July with the class behind me," he explained. "But I'll need to go before that to find a place to stay and set up everything. I can meet with my lawyer then to do whatever I need to for the case."

"Do you want me to go with you," Jacy asked, almost as an afterthought.

Ray grinned again. "I think I'll be fine on my own this time."

"I know you will," she conceded, "But it was nice to be able to help out for a while."

"You did more than that, Mom."

Jacy walked around the desk and leaned down to hug her son. "You're doing the hard work, Ray. We're just here along the way. But you're right. I should have told you about this sooner."

"It's okay, Mom. I just don't want you all to feel like Jack needs to be paying for this because he doesn't. I'm going to work all of this out as soon as I can."

This time Jack was the one to speak. "I understand that you need to resolve this Ray, but I offered to your mother to take care of the finances until the suit was settled rather than racking up a ton of charges in the meantime."

"That's right, Ray," Jacy interjected. "The plan always was for Jack to pay the bills just until the case was resolved and then we'd reimburse him with the settlement money."

Jack turned back to Jacy. "Or the money can go to a charity."

"Or it can go to charity," Jacy agreed.

Ray faced Jack, "Well, I appreciate it." He looked then to his mother. "I'm going to go home and make some calls to try to get things started. I should go." He stood and kissed his mother on the cheek. He shook Jack's hand as he headed out the door.

He climbed into the car and started to turn toward his house before stopping suddenly. Darren's list! He had about a million errands to run before tomorrow's game. He changed his blinker and pulled into traffic toward the supermarket and the trophy shop. Chicago would have to wait yet another day.


	20. So Close You Can Almost Taste It

A/N: I think this one will please most readers. Thanks for your reviews, especially to new readers/reviewers!!

* * *

Chapter 20 – So Close You Can Almost Taste It

Six months and three days after the last time he'd walked out of County General's demolished Emergency Department, Ray walked back in. He found the place much changed, though. Stopping at triage and asking some nurse he'd never seen before if Dr. Pratt could buzz him in wasn't exactly the triumphant return he'd imagined, but he was getting used to compromise by now. He watched a trauma roll in through the mechanical doors and waited in chairs for over 30 minutes before Pratt had a chance to come get him. He guessed he could have asked for Frank or Sam or someone else that he knew, but there was no hurry. He was pretty impressed with himself for making it this far. What was a few minutes more?

As he waited, he stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket and pulled out the photos Ash had shoved at him as he was preparing to leave Baton Rouge three days earlier. There were three prints, one of the championship winning soccer team, one of the two of them dressed as Batman and Robin for trick-or-treating the week before (with Ash as Batman and Ray as Robin), and one of Ray and Darren laughing on the soccer sidelines, all obviously taken by Alyssa, as she wasn't in any of the photos. He was completely engrossed when he sensed Pratt standing over him. He quickly stuck the photos back in his pocket and stood. Greg grabbed Ray and pulled him into a tight embrace.

"Man, I never thought I'd be so glad to see your face," gushed Pratt as he let the other man go. He stepped back and looked over at Ray. "You look great."

"Thanks. It's good to see you, too. Kind of weird to be back, though." Ray decided as he looped his thumbs through the back belt loops of his Dockers.

"Yeah, hey, let's go inside. I'm sure everyone wants to see you." Pratt turned toward the door and held his badge to the card reader. Ray stood still in his spot. Greg realized that the other man hadn't moved and looked over his shoulder to where Ray was standing. "You are going to go back?"

"Uh, yeah." Ray took a cautious step forward and through the doors into the ER.

The bustle of the department was exactly what he had remembered. Everyone looked busy, and no one even noticed him for a few minutes until Sam breezed through with an armful of charts.

"Ray!" she screeched as she grabbed his arm. He was holding on to the desk for support, but the force of her embrace would have knocked him off balance, even with two legs. "You look amazing. Are you back for good or just visiting or what?"

Before he could answer, the rest of the department realized that he was there. Frank, nurses, doctors and even the daytime janitor were all crowding around the desk. They backed Ray into a corner before Pratt had a chance to rescue him. Ray shot Pratt a wide-eyed look and Greg quickly stepped in to diffuse the crowd.

"Okay. Everybody take about three steps back. Give Dr. Barnett some space here so he can breathe. I'm sure there will be time to catch up soon, but everybody needs to get back to work now." The gathering crowd relented. Soon Frank was the only one left at the desk. He clapped Ray on the shoulder as he turned to his work.

"It's good to have you back," he quipped gruffly.

Pratt grabbed Ray's arm and guided him into the lounge. Ray took a seat at the table as Pratt poured them both a cup of coffee. He sat the black liquid in front of Ray and propped his elbows on the table. "So what's the plan?"

"I met with my lawyer this morning. I have an appointment with the residency coordinator and the ER chief this afternoon. Depending on the results of that, I may be looking for apartments tomorrow." Ray condensed.

"I know everyone keeps saying this, but you look good. I don't know what I imagined, but I wouldn't even know if I didn't know," Greg finished weakly. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah," Ray smiled. "I look deceptively normal."

"I didn't mean that." Pratt stated.

"It's okay."

"Do you really think you're ready to come back?" He asked.

Ray shook his head. "Not yet, but hopefully in time to make up the months I lost and start my R4 year with Jane's class."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. My team says I'll be ready to go by then."

Pratt scratched his head and nodded. "Well, you're walking a lot sooner than I thought you would be, that's for sure."

Ray explained the regimen he'd been following and briefly introduced him to Darren, Alyssa and Ash. He pulled out the pictures and showed Pratt some of what had been up to over the past few months.

"Ray, man, it looks like you've been getting along pretty well down there. I can't say that I've ever imagined you as a family man, but there's just a different look about you." Pratt decided.

"Well, I'm wearing a button-down shirt and dress pants. That's about the second time ever in here."

"True," Pratt grinned as he picked up the photos, "But you're practically a soccer dad. You went trick-or-treating, in tights, with somebody else's kid. She'd better be hot."

Ray looked down, smiling. "She's my doctor, man. That's it. And they weren't tights."

"If that's what you say," Pratt extended his hands, palms facing Ray in a gesture of submission, "But you're definitely not the same guy who left here."

Ray nodded his head, "Well, I hope I've learned something, gotten something out of all of this."

"It looks like you're on your way," Pratt continued. Then he paused for a second and stared straight into Ray's eyes. "What about Neela?"

"I talked to her once, before she went to London, but not since. When do you expect her back?" Ray answered Greg's question with a question, completely skirting the real issue.

"Dubenko said she's not on the schedule for two weeks, so I'm not really sure when she'll be back here."

"How's her brother?" Ray asked, still avoiding the subject.

"Better, otherwise she wouldn't be coming back." Pratt pointed out the obvious. "But this is not what I mean, and you know it."

Ray downed the last of his coffee and tried to think of what he could say. Finally, he decided on the truth. "I have to find out if there's anything left between us before I can move on from here. That's why I'm back."

Back in the department lobby, Frank looked up from his post at the desk, eyes widening with surprise as he saw her come through the sliding doors. Obviously just from the airport, she was dragging luggage behind her, a trench coach slung over her arm. He came around the counter to help her with her load.

"Dr. Rasgotra. What are you doing here?" he asked, a little flabbergasted.

"What does it look like I'm doing, Frank. I've just come from O'Hare and needed to check my schedule before I went all the way home. But I had to drag all this off the 'L' with me anyway. Can you give me a hand with these bags? I just need to get them out of the way while I pop up to the surgical floor and see when I'm on next. Will behind the desk work for now?" she asked as she tugged her rolling case toward Frank.

He blocked her way and turned her toward the door of the lounge. "Take 'em in there, Neela. There's no room for them out here." He grinned mischievously, "Besides, Pratt's in there with your boy toy, anyway."

She stopped and gave him a very confused grimace. "My boy toy? You're going to have to be a little more specific, Frank. There are so many men in my life. I've even been called a slut, if you'll remember." She was tired from travel, but still in a playful mood.

Frank rolled his eyes and pointed toward the door. "Get in there, Jezebel. Ray's waiting."

Neela stopped moving and dropped the handle of her suitcase. She didn't even flinch as it tipped over backwards and fell to the floor. He fingers settled on her lips as she looked pleadingly at Frank.

"You heard me, get in there before he changes his mind and goes back to Baton Rouge without you."

Neela nodded silently, leaving all her bags in the floor and letting her trench slide in a pile beside them, and walked toward the door. Holding her breath, she opened the door and stepped into the lounge.

Ray didn't turn immediately when the door opened, but even before he saw the look on Pratt's face he knew it was her. Suddenly, time slowed to a crawl, passing in snapshots in front of his eyes. He turned in his chair, and then he was standing. She was waiting at the door, and then she was halfway across the room. Finally, she was in his arms. He felt her acutely, her small dark head buried in his chest, her strong surgeon's hands grasping the back of his shirt with the ferocity and tenacity of intense need and desire. Her body quaked with sobs as he felt his own responding to the closeness of her. She lifted her face to him, tears glistening on her tinted cheeks. This time, there was no holding back. He pulled her up to him as he leaned down and into their second kiss. After a long moment he felt her pull back as though suddenly cognizant of Pratt's presence in the room.

They both turned toward the other man who had slunk to the other door and was attempting to exit the room quietly. He nodded to them and closed the door on his way out. Ray turned to face Neela, who was staring directly at him.

"Bloody hell, Ray! What took you so long to do that?" she asked and then moved her hands up into his hair, running her fingers through it as she kissed him again.

When they took a breath, he answered her. "I have no idea."


	21. To Find What's Left of His World

A/N: Thanks again for the reviews.

* * *

Chapter 21 – _To Find What's Left of His World_

They disentangled from each other long enough to make it to the couch. She couldn't take her eyes off him. After four months with her parents and siblings in London, just being in Chicago, in her hospital, on the way to her apartment was a complete relief. And then Ray. She couldn't stop smiling.

"I'm so glad you're here," she breathed into his shoulder as she laid her head on it. "How long are you staying?"

"Just a few days for now. I have to meet with the powers that be in a few minutes. I guess I'll know more after that."

She sat forward and turned toward him. "Really?"

He nodded. "Pratt says they should reinstate me without any problem, especially since I was on a medical leave of absence."

"Is Pratt going up with you?"

Ray shrugged. "I didn't ask him. I guess if he's not too busy he'll come. Do you think I need him to?"

Neela shrugged. "Abby says Moretti can be difficult. He and Pratt have butted heads more than once. Have you met him yet?"

Ray shook his head. "I was only on the floor for a minute. Do you think I should get someone to introduce me before we get up there?"

"I have no idea. Depends on what type of first impression you make." Neela raised her eyebrows.

"Well?" Ray asked when she didn't elaborate.

"You can be a bit of a wanker," Neela revealed.

Ray scrunched his eyebrows into a scowl. "Thanks a lot."

She grinned and rubbed his arm soothingly. "Talk to Pratt. He'll know the proper protocol. I'm sure it will all go brilliantly, though."

He squeezed her hand before rising up from the couch. "Yeah. Nothing to worry about. I'm going to find Pratt." He moved toward the door, leaving her behind. "You should go home, though. I don't know how long this is going to take." She started to protest but he stopped her. "I'll call you when I'm done. You should have time for a nap at least." He waited at the door as though he expected her to join him.

"Yeah, that should work out well," she decided as she stood up and followed him through the door. Pratt and Moretti were both standing at the desk, and Pratt motioned for them to both come over.

"Dr. Moretti, this is Ray Barnett, third year ER resident and I believe you've met Neela Rasgotra, second year surgical resident. They've both been on medical leave since May."

They all shook hands and Moretti addressed Ray. "Ah, Dr. Barnett, it's you we'll be meeting with this afternoon, then."

"Uh, yes," Ray managed.

"Well, I'm sure Drs Wilcox and Anspaugh wouldn't mind if we started a little ahead of schedule. Are you free to meet now? It seems that Dr. Pratt and I are experiencing a lull in the action for the time being."

"Sure," Ray nodded, "That's fine with me."

"Wonderful. Let's say in Dr. Anspaugh's office in ten minutes?" Moretti glanced at his watch.

Ray nodded again. "Great. I need to grab a file and I'll be right up."

Moretti shook Ray's hand again. "Wonderful. I'm looking forward to it."

Pratt watched the older man walk away and narrowed his eyes as he gazed in Ray's direction. "Unbelievable," he muttered.

"What?" Ray asked. "What did I do now?"

Pratt shook his head. "That guy doesn't get along with anyone, and here the two of you are chatting it up like BFF's."

Ray laughed. "Did you just call me someone's BFF? What are you a 10-year-old girl?"

"I've been on for twelve hours, Ray, and I still have to finish my charting. Let's just go up there and get this thing over with," pouted Pratt.

"Yeah, okay," Ray agreed, remembering days like that. "I have to get something from the car. I'll meet you up there."

Ray helped Neela gather her bags and take them out through the ambulance bay toward the 'L' platform where his car was parked. He handed her the keys.

"I'll take the train. I don't have any stuff, so it makes more sense for me to. I'll pick up my car at your place later," he offered.

She looked in through the window. "Your car has hand controls. I can't drive it."

He hit a button on the remote in her hand, unlocked the door, reached in and switched the mechanism back to foot pedals. "It does both. You're good to go." He loaded her bags as she climbed in the front seat. He walked around to the driver's side window and leaned in to give Neela one last kiss. "I'll see you later," he promised. Neela put the car in gear and pulled off.

Ray tucked the papers under his arm and went back inside just in time to catch Pratt at the elevator. They rode up to Dr. Anspaugh's office together and arrived right as Moretti, Wilcox and Anspaugh came out of the office. Together, the five men walked into the adjacent conference room and took their seats. The inquisition was about to begin.

Dr. Wilcox, the residency program advisor, reached across to shake Ray's hand. "Ray," he began, "It's so good to see you. You look well."

"Thank you. I am. It's good to be here."

Dr. Anspaugh echoed the sentiment of the residency director and the review began. Pratt served to be a valuable voice in Ray's corner as he pointed out the improvements in Ray's performance reviews over the second two years of his residency. He also pointed out that seeing as they had lost two attendings and several residents over the past few months, having a competent and experienced senior resident returned to the floor would be a plus for the entire department. Moretti was more of a fly on the wall, or perhaps a Venus flytrap. But he sat silently, combing through his copy of Ray's performance reviews and residency files, all the while soaking up everything everyone else had said.

After the information had been presented, Dr. Anspaugh began speaking, and Ray realized that the conditions of his return had already been discussed and decided upon before this meeting had ever taken place. The chief of staff explained that Ray would need to undergo a psychological evaluation either with the psychiatrist he had been seeing or with employee behavioral health at County. Additionally, he would begin with half-time half shifts as soon as his physician released him to begin work and would work up to full shifts at the discretion of the ER chief and Chief Resident until he made up the necessary time to qualify as a fourth-year resident. They explained that accommodations could be made for physical limitations that presented themselves along the way. Finally, he expressed the hospital and department's delight and in the prospect of Ray's return and in his recovery. Dr. Anspaugh wished him the best of luck and stood to signal the end of the meeting. The rest of the men stood, shook hands with Ray and filed out. Ray and Pratt were left in the empty conference room.

Greg slapped Ray on the back as he vigorously shook his hand. "Well, sounds like you're back in business."

"Yeah," Ray smiled softly. "I guess I am."

Pratt directed him toward the door. "What time are you meeting Neela?"

"I'm not really sure. I'm supposed to call her when I leave here, but she's probably not even home yet."

"Was she going to her place or Abby and Luka's?"

"I have no idea. Why?"

"She had been staying with Abby and Joe before she left for London."

"Oh, well, I'll find out where she wants me to meet her. Hey, thanks for backing me up in there, though. I can't believe that's all it took to get re-instated."

Pratt shrugged. "Just hurry up and get back here for good. We need good people."

Ray laughed. "And you're calling me good people?"

"I guess that I am. Who'd have ever thought it?" Pratt shook his head. "But for now, you need to get your ass to Neela." Ray nodded and shook Pratt's hand before he turned to go.

"I'm gonna get the girl," Ray smiled almost in disbelief. "Doesn't always turn out like this, you know?"

Pratt slowly bobbed his head. "But sometimes it does."

Ray tried to wipe the grin off his face, but he couldn't. He just shrugged and the two of them headed to the elevator.

Once they were inside and the doors had closed Greg turned to Ray. "Get it right this time, will you? I don't think we, or the two of you, can handle it if you screw this up again."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, man." Ray scoffed.

Greg threw his hands up in a defensive position. "I'm just sayin'."

"Yeah, yeah. I know. I'd rather not get hit by another truck, and I'm pretty sure Neela's had her fill of being trampled by a stampeding mob."

"Get out of here." Pratt pushed Ray lightly as the doors parted in the ER.

"I'm going." Ray promised as he made a move to the door.

Pratt stopped him yet again. "Congratulations, Ray. It's really good to have you back."

"It's good to be here," Ray decided. Because it was.


	22. It's Not The Pale Moon That Excites Me

A/N: Not quite yet unrated, but definitely headed in that direction. Thanks so much for reviews of the last few chapters. I'm looking forward to what you have to say about this one as well.

* * *

Chapter 22 – It's Not the Pale Moon That Excites Me

Neela stopped at the store on her way to her apartment. She hadn't been there for months, but Abby had been checking in on the place while she'd been gone. They had even sub-let it to a couple of medical students completing visiting 4th year rotations at County. Abby had told her that everything was in order. As she pulled up to the market, her first thought had been that she would make dinner for Ray, but she quickly remembered that he was a far superior chef. She picked up a few staples, milk, juice, wine, and Lucky Charms before heading to the checkout. On her way out she grabbed a bunch of flowers colored in deep reds and gold. She thought they would be a nice touch to brighten up the apartment. It seemed a little silly, but she bought them anyway. It was a special occasion.

After paying for her purchases, she hopped back in Ray's truck. She decided to stop at Abby's for a moment before making her way to the other apartment. She called Abby's phone as she searched for a place to park on the street. Abby answered and excitedly told her friend to come up. Joe and Abby greeted Neela at the door with hugs and smiles.

"Why didn't you tell us you were coming back?" chided Abby. "We would have planned a homecoming celebration."

Neela beamed brightly back at her friend. "It's okay. I actually already have plans."

"What plans?" Abby grinned mischievously.

"Ray's here." Neela almost giggled. She could barely contain her excitement.

Abby's eyes widened almost unnaturally, "Since when?"

"Today, yesterday, I'm not sure. I just saw him at County. He's on his way to my flat, I think. Or here. I'm not sure if I told him where to go. I have to let him know where I am," she exclaimed. "I wanted to stop and let you know I got back safely, though. And make sure that there wasn't anything here that I needed, but I don't think that there is."

"What are you going to wear?" asked Abby, suddenly more giddy and girly than she was pretty sure she'd ever been.

"Hopefully nothing." Neela winked at her friend, and they both burst into laughter. "I'd better call him and get going so I can get ready."

"I cleaned up at the apartment a few days ago. There's nothing in the fridge, though."

"I already stopped at the store, but I don't really feel like subjecting him to my cooking. I'll figure out something, though." Neela recapped for Abby. "Thanks so much for taking care of things. I'll call you tomorrow. Are you on tonight?"

Abby shook her head. "Not until tomorrow night. Come over for lunch or dinner or whenever you make it out of the house tomorrow or whenever."

Neela blushed and hugged Abby quickly before departing. She ran back to the car and drove to the other apartment. After she parked, she loaded her arms with baggage and packages. She lugged her things up the three flights of stairs before nearly collapsing in front of the door. She shoved the key into the lock and tumbled through the doorway into the apartment. Abby was right. Everything looked great. She sat the groceries on the kitchen counter and took her suitcase into the bedroom. She picked up her phone and dialed Ray's number. He answered on the second ring.

"Hi," he greeted simply. "Did you make it home?"

"Just. Where are you now?"

"In the ambulance bay. I'm headed to the train now, but I need to stop downtown first. I really have no idea how long it's going to take, but I'll be there as soon as I can. Do you need me to pick up anything?"

"No, I just stopped at the store to grab a few things, but I thought we could decide about dinner later."

"That's fine. At least you should have time to unpack and take a shower and a good nap."

"Are you saying that I look dirty and tired?"

"Not at all, but you did just get off an airplane. You very well could have picked up malaria at the airport. You know that mosquitoes often hitch rides on planes."

"I wasn't aware that the cure for malaria was a shower. What journals do they have you reading there in Louisiana? Annals of hygiene in tropical medicine?"

"Very funny, Neela. I'll be there soon."

"Okay, I'll be waiting."

They hung up and Ray walked up the steps to the 'L' platform. He swiped his card and waited for the downtown train. When it arrived, he carefully stepped across the threshold and found a seat near the door. He was already feeling achy and was beginning to think that he had overestimated his fitness level. This shouldn't have been as bad as Darren's weekend hikes, but Ray was wearing down fast and it was barely 3:30. He rubbed his hands down over his legs and reluctantly retrieved a Percocet from an amber bottle on the inside of his jacket pocket. He rolled it back and forth in his fingers before popping it in his mouth and dry swallowing it. He hated taking it, but having given Neela his vehicle, he was going to have to walk from the train station and back. He was beginning to realize that working back to full strength and full shifts would prove a difficult task, a long and difficult task.

The train slowed at his station and he disembarked. He walked the three blocks to his lawyer's office. David Foster had been an acquaintance of a friend of Neela's at Yale and had graduated from the University of Chicago Law School five years earlier. He had originally taken a position as a Junior Associate on of the city's many high profile firms but had recently struck out on his own. They had met socially a few times before his accident with Neela and visiting friends from undergrad. In the hospital, Ray had somehow remembered the name and had Katey call him. At their morning meeting, David had explained to him that in accordance with Illinois state laws, the fact that Ray had been intoxicated could be construed as comparative liability for the accident. If Ray was found to be more than fifty percent at fault for his own injuries, then neither the driver nor the company would be responsible for damages. Additionally, the trucking company was maintaining that if Ray was able to return to his job he could not be considered totally and permanently disabled, which was normally described as loss of two limbs or eyes. Ray had been discouraged, but David told him that the company was only trying to protect themselves from a type of vicarious liability called **_respondeat superior_**, a principle stipulating that not only the driver but the entire company is held accountable for bills as well as money for pain and suffering and lost wages. He promised Ray that his case was strong, and that even if he was able to return to work full-time, the trucking company would want to settle rather than moving forward to a trial. David explained that it wasn't good practice as a business owner to draw attention to the fact that your son was high on meth, stole a company truck and took it for a joy ride only to mow down a doctor in a crosswalk.

Ray still wasn't convinced that everything would work out as well as David seemed sure that it would, especially with the new information regarding the job. Ray was grateful that he'd be returning to work, but he also wanted to be able to repay Jack. David assured Ray that even though he had been restored to his residency position at County, he would still be entitled to a sizeable settlement sum. He explained that even though the company's owners were trying to stall the proceedings until Ray had returned to work, his plan was to push forward for a timely conclusion. Ray thought the plans sounded great but wondered about their feasibility. David continued his attempts at calming Ray's fears regarding the settlement for the next twenty minutes before they were both satisfied that they had decided upon a plan of action. Ray thanked David for putting up with all of his questions and doubts before leaving and heading toward Michigan Avenue. He had one more stop to make.

He broke down and took a cab, fearing that he wouldn't make it on "foot." When he arrived at the boutique in question, he paid the fare and stepped out onto the street. The sun was already beginning its descent in the western sky as Ray opened the door to the selected shop. A saleslady met him immediately and asked if she could be of assistance. Ray unfolded a torn out magazine advertisement that he retrieved from his wallet.

"I want that," he told her, pointing at the picture on the glossy page.

"It's a lovely piece, sir," the woman agreed. "Would you like yellow or white gold?"

He imagined it on Neela's golden brown skin with her black eyes and hair shining in tandem. "Yellow," he said immediately.

The attendant nodded. "And would you like gift wrapping?"

"Oh yeah." There was no question about that. Everything was going to be perfect.

He stood beside the counter she retrieved the article from the glassed-in case. She placed the item in a black velvet box and closed the lid with a snap. Then, she placed the velvet box in a slightly larger paper one, wrapped it in what appeared to be handmade wrapping paper and tied a bow around the box using crinkly cloth and wire ribbon. It wasn't robin's egg blue but was lovely still, and he knew she would absolutely love what was inside.

He paid and placed the small package in his inside jacket pocket before walking back onto the street. The sun had sunk further now and the air had grown chilly. He pulled his collar up around his ears and blew quickly into his hands before hugging his light jacket around him tightly. November in Chicago was something completely different from November in Louisiana. He hailed another taxi and rode silently back to Neela's apartment. Ray walked up the stairs and knocked lightly on her door. He heard her run from somewhere across the room to release the deadbolt. She pulled the door toward her and stood back, waiting for him to enter. Her hair flowed in soft waves down over her shoulders. She was wearing just the slightest touch of makeup, only enough to illuminate her already glowing skin. Her arms were bare; a black tank top, grey sweat cutoffs and bare feet was all she was wearing. He stepped into the room and pushed the door closed behind him.

"I wasn't expecting you yet," she began immediately. "I'm not even dressed. I know I must look a fright." She slid her hair through her hands, twisted it into an untied ponytail and flipped it over her shoulder. Ray stood watching her silently as she rushed back into the kitchen, sliding slightly on the area rug at the edge of the kitchen area. "I haven't even called for takeaways." She prattled on as she rushed back toward him. "I thought you would ring before you came back."

He grabbed her and pulled her to him. "Just stop." She sighed and ran a hand through her hair as he directed her to the couch. "It's fine and you're prefect."

She plopped down beside him and leaned against his chest. "I wanted to give you a special dinner."

"I'm not even hungry, Neela. I just want to be with you."

She grinned. "I didn't actually plan to make you eat my cooking, though."

"Well, that's good to know," he agreed. "I appreciate the sentiment, and I have something for you, too."

She turned toward him, squishing her brown eyes into an inquisitive gaze. "What is it?" He pulled the wrapped package from his pocket as he shrugged out of his jacket. Her eyes widened as she reached for the box. As her fingers nimbly untied the ribbon and freed the paper from the tape, she glanced over at him and smiled. He held his breath as she opened the lid and retrieved the velvet case. She carefully flipped open the lid, nearly dropping the entire thing as she took in the contents.

"Oh Ray!" she exclaimed. "Oh, Ray. Oh, yes."

* * *

Resources from:

1) Illinois Industrial Commission, 100 Randolph Street West, Eighth Floor, Room 200, Chicago, IL 60601, phone: (312) 814-6611. For information on workers' compensation.

2)** The Products Liability Resource Manual: An Attorney's Guide to Analyzing Issues, Developing Strategies, and Winning Cases,** James T. O'Reilly and Nancy C. Cody, American Bar Association General Practice Section, Chicago, IL, 1993.

Compiled as "Guide to Illinois Law" at a site whose web address I can't post on here because it won't show up. Email me if you want it for your own personal use ;-)


	23. Underneath Your Clothes

A/N: Thanks to my beta squad for helping me make this say what I wanted it to say, and to Rachel Wilder for being on the same page. I took those ideas, and this is what it all became...

* * *

Chapter 23 – _Underneath Your Clothes There's an Endless Story_

Ray pulled the delicate gold bracelet out of the box and placed it around Neela's tiny wrist. She beamed back at him.

"I can't believe you remembered."

She had talked about the gold chain with Byzantine charms for at least a month after one of her fashion magazines had arrived last spring. There was no way that he could possibly forget. He pulled the advertisement out of his wallet and showed it to her. "Of course I remembered. My clipping is almost as worn as yours is now. "

She took the creased piece of glossy paper into her hands and unfolded it. "You found the photo and carried it around with you for over six months? You're mental!"

Ray shrugged. "I've been called worse. So you like it?"

"Like it? Ray I absolutely love it." She turned the bracelet around her wrist. "But it's too much." She looked back at him hesitantly.

"Shut up, Neela." He shoved her playfully. "It looks perfect on you. Besides, it's only money."

She smiled weakly but shook her head. "It's too much. I can't accept something so valuable."

He'd imagined that she would react this way. "How many times have you gone to that store to visit it?"

She blushed. "About three or four times before I left but only when I had time to curl my hair and change out of scrubs. I looked crazy enough coming down there and not buying anything. Could you imagine if I hadn't showered in two days?"

Ray laughed. It was impossible to explain resident life to people who hadn't experienced it. It was completely insane, yet he could hardly wait to get back into the thick of it. He squeezed her hand. "I want you to have it, Neela. Honestly. It was made for you."

She held up her arm and admired the glint in the overhead light. "You're right," she decided. "It really is. Thank you, Ray. I do love it."

He smiled and kissed her softly on the head. "Good."

She pressed her body against his. "I can't believe you're here. I honestly didn't know if you'd ever come back."

Ray was silent for a moment before he answered her. "There was a time when I didn't know either."

She entwined the fingers of her right hand with his. His left reached absently to her inky, glossy hair and gently stroked its smoothness. Leaning forward, his lips found the curve of her neck and breathily whispered across her warm skin. Her back arched as her body tightened against his. A satisfied sigh escaped her lips as he moved his hands around to her breasts. She pulled away a second later. Standing, she reached for his hand.

"Not here. Come with me," she invited.

He rose from the couch and followed her into the dark bedroom. The light from the living room cast shadows. He found his way to the bed and sat, sinking into the duvet. She stopped at the door and flicked on the overhead light. The ceiling fan globe blazed to life. Neela walked toward him. She leaned down, he pulled her into his arms and they fell back onto the pillows. Her fingers reached under his shirt and pulled it over his head. His breath was coming in short gasps now as his body began to ache for her. She reached for the button of his pants and began to undo it. His hands reached up, grabbing hers to stop them.

"Turn off the light," he tried, hoping that she wouldn't protest and just let this happen.

"No," she replied. "You have to see." She released his pants, sat back so that she straddled his waist and crossed her arms, slowly pulling her own shirt over her head. She took his hand in hers and placed it on her abdomen where the surgical scar cut down through the golden smoothness. The raised area was still pink in the last phase of healing.

"Exploratory laparotomy with splenectomy," she stated as she guided his finger across the surface of the incision. "I think it's coming along quite nicely," continued Neela as Ray tried to avoid eye contact. He knew that his turn was next. "It's been more than six months, so the wound healing is in the maturation and remodeling stage. The neutrophils, macrophages and fibroblasts have all done their work; the collagen fibers have been formed and cross-linked, and now the alignment of collagen and resorbtion of the vascularized area has taken place. As of three months ago, the tensile strength of the re-epithelialized skin was 80 percent of the original skin's. That's the maximum recovery. And still, part of me thinks I can do better. I know, that's just how it is, but it's hard for me to accept that 80 percent of anything is the best that I can be. And I don't want to be. I don't want to be 80 percent of what I was before, of who I was before."

Tears welled in her eyes and he felt them forming in his own. He tried a joke. "Hey, you're only missing a spleen. That's like three percent of everything. I mean, if missing a spleen knocks you down by 20 percent, then I'm working with like 40 here."

"That's not funny, Ray, and it's not what I meant."

"I know. I just can't stand to see you cry." Plus, he knew he was about to start himself.

"Stop charming me," she protested as the tears began to fall. "I'm deathly serious, Ray. This could be enough to do us in. Is that what you want? Everything is different. Everything has changed, and I'm so terrified that I'll never be me again, that you'll never be you."

"But I am different, Neela," he whispered. "I don't have a choice."

"Less?"

"I hope not, but maybe. Probably."

"I don't want you to be."

"And I don't want you to see me like this." By this time, he was barely holding in his own tears. "Right now I can get up and walk out of here and you can still see me as I was. Yeah, you saw me that one day before I left, but without confirmation of that, you can write it off as a trick your mind played on you or a horrific nightmare. But if I you see me here, vulnerable, broken, then there's no going back from that. This is who I will be to you. And as much as I want to be with you, even more, I don't want that to become the picture of me in your mind's eye." He wiped his eyes as they began to overflow.

"But I have to," sobbed Neela.

"I know." He could count on one hand the number of times he had cried over this whole ordeal. Most all of them had involved Neela, and this time would be no different.

She nodded and helped him sit up before retreating from the bed. He swung his legs over the side and stood in front of her. Reaching for his waistband again, Neela began unbuttoning and then unzipping his trousers. As she eased them down over his thighs, he slid back down onto the bed. When the pants got to his knees, he placed his hands over hers. There was an ottoman in the corner beside the bed. Neela moved back from Ray and pulled it toward her, sitting to face him. She watched through bleary eyes as he uncovered his knees and then the prosthetics below. His own tears wetted the cotton of his pants as he removed them. He started first toward the right and stopped. Neela reached forward and placed her hands on top of his this time. He released the socket and removed the foot and then the liner covering what remained of the lower extremity. Neela kept her eyes locked on his as he removed the left one as well. Ray took her hands and placed them on each side, much as she had done a moment before. She looked down, finally taking in the sight he had tried to prevent. He sighed heavily and tried to compose himself. Brokenly, he managed a few words between his own sobs.

"Bilateral transtibial amputation."

Neela stood, sweeping her hair over one shoulder as she did. Ray felt himself retreating from her back onto the bed. He maneuvered around so that the pillows were behind him. She climbed onto the bed and straddled him again. He raised himself up to her and pulled her back down on top of him. Time, space and circumstance dissolved around them. There was only him. There was only her. Her body melted into his and there was only them.

Afterward, she lay in the crook of his arm, snuggling close as he reached for her. He turned toward her and kissed her forehead. She tasted salty. Ray couldn't be sure if it was from sweat or tears, but his own eyes felt tight and dry. He rubbed them. As he did so, a new wave of panic swept over him. Not wanting to ruin the moment between them, he tried to suppress it, but he also didn't want to be careless.

"Neela," he whispered and felt her head turn toward him.

"Mmm?" she breathed in answer.

"I didn't use anything," were the words he decided upon, hoping that she would understand without any more being said.

"It's okay," she assured. "I did."

"Oh, right." He pulled her even closer to him as he stared at the ceiling and prayed for the right words. "Neela," he started again, a little hesitantly. "Listen, I…"

She sat up, pulling the sheet off of him and across her chest as she did so. "Just stop. Ray, seriously, if you're going to say something stupid you should really stop."

He blushed. "Oh come on. Maybe you could give me a little credit here?"

"I did use to share a wall with you. A very thin wall behind which sat your headboard. A headboard that quite frequently banged into that shared, thin wall."

He reached for her but she scooted back out of his immediate grasp.

"What are you doing, Neela? Where are you going?"

"Nowhere. What were you going to say?"

He reached for her again. This time she met his hand and let it bring her closer to him. "What I was going to say was that I didn't want you to think that I think that sex fixes things."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

"So if it doesn't fix things then what's the point?" Neela asked, playfully inching toward him.

"Well, it feels good, and I like doing it. I especially like doing it with you, by the way. But it doesn't undo the things that have happened between us before, and I don't want it to be all that happens between us now."

Neela stared at him for a second before kissing him.

"What was that for?" He asked, a goofy smile poking through the even façade he was attempting to maintain.

"That was for you finally being the man I always hoped you'd become."

"That's quite a line," he commended as he took her back into his arms.

"I know, and you're usually the one spitting lines all over the place." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Something tells me that things are going to be a lot different this time around, though."

"Well, they'd better be." He decided as he leaned in to kiss her neck and trailed down to her collarbone.

"I promise." She breathed as they fell back against the pillows. "Again?" she asked.

"Um, yeah," was all he could manage. They'd talk about the rest of it later.


	24. And I Thought What I Felt Was Simple

A/N: It's been a long time coming, I know, but here's the next little bit. We're getting ready to start the second part of the story, so here's a transitional chapter.

* * *

Chapter 24 – _And I Thought What I Felt Was Simple _

Saying goodbye was the part Ray dreaded more than anything else. His mom was fine. Jack would take care of her; he was sure of that. It was Alyssa and Ash that worried him most. Even though they had been looking out for themselves for longer than Ray had known them, he still felt uneasy about leaving them. So when he arrived back in Baton Rouge after his time with Neela in Chicago had ended, he was torn between attempting to fit back into his life there and beginning the farewell tour.

Alyssa knew it, too. On the morning after Ray returned from Chicago, she met him for coffee in the cafeteria before his appointment with Dr. Gault. And although she anxiously wanted to hear about what had happened at County, and with Neela, she realized that it was no longer her business. She also realized that she wasn't yet ready to let him go. Professionally, she had done for Ray all that she could do, and what happened next would be almost entirely up to him. Yet, she couldn't bear the thought of losing such close contact and proximity to someone she had come to regard as a close friend. She stirred her coffee, even though she took it black, as she mulled this over in her mind.

He came through the door behind her and walked to the table. He stopped for a moment and watched her staring out across the room. This had to be hard for her, too. Even though they'd been very careful since that night at his house, they had still formed an important and special relationship. He started across the floor again and placed his hand on her shoulder as he arrived at her place. She jumped, nearly spilling her coffee as she turned around.

"Ray!" She smiled and shook her head slightly. "You scared me."

"You were staring intently at the wall over there," he pointed to the spot she had fixated upon as he took a seat. "I thought I'd see what was so interesting."

"Very funny. I was just thinking." She stopped and motioned toward the cup beside hers. "I got your coffee. One cream, one Splenda."

"Thanks," he smiled. He took a drink and stared over at his own spot on the wall.

"So," she started, "I'm assuming that things went well."

"Mmm-hmm. They said I can come back to part time shifts after the first of the year to make up the time I missed until I can work back up to full time."

"That's great."

He nodded. "It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but I think I'll be up for it."

"I have every confidence in you."

"I'm glad you do. I'll need it." He said before realizing that they wouldn't see one another every day and that he would no longer be her patient or responsibility. She looked away. He grabbed her hand.

"Hey." His voice strained to achieve a lightness he did not feel. "It's not that far away."

"As compared to what? China??"

He rolled his eyes at her. "It's a plane ride. Ash will love it."

She pulled her hand away. "Maybe we should wait a while before we start making plans for visits."

He nodded, feeling hurt at first but quickly realizing that she had thought more about this than he had, not just for herself but for Ash as well. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

She moved the conversation in a different direction. "So, did you find a place?"

His face reddened as he blew on his coffee and took a drink. "Uh, yeah."

"Oh," Alyssa whispered. "Right, I guess so." She started to push back from the table, her face, neck and chest suddenly flaming. "I should get back to work."

"Wait, don't just …" he attempted, but she stood from the table.

"I really have to go."

He rose to meet her, his form towering securely over her. "I didn't mean…" he started.

She interrupted him again. "It's fine, Ray. I understand. I have to get back." She pulled away and almost ducked away from his hand as it shot out, almost involuntarily in an attempt to draw her back. She shook her head, her body shuddering as though she had just imagined something horribly distasteful.

He turned to watch her walk away. He hadn't wanted her to find out about Neela like this. Frankly, he hadn't wanted her to find out about Neela at all. But who was he kidding there? He still couldn't quite understand why he, Alyssa and Ash couldn't remain close while he pursued a relationship with Neela, if that's even what they were going to do. He realized that it was very much a "guy thing" to entertain the possibility, but he still wished it could work. He hated to let Ash down. He hated to lose Alyssa's influence in his life, too. Ray openly realized that her direction, as well as Darren's, had substantially helped along the maturation process that had been a significant part of his rehab. Without that, this impending relationship building with Neela would have never been possible. Ray wished he could tell her, that he could thank her for what she'd done for him. But he wisely realized that doing so would probably only cause her more hurt, marking yet another thing that she had taught him over the past six months. Somehow, he understood the rules a little better now, but it still didn't make any sense. He shook his head and finished his coffee.

The next two months passed quickly for Ray. Neela had graciously understood his need to stay in Baton Rouge with Alyssa, Ash, Darren, Jack and his mother over the holidays before he completely uprooted his life to Chicago with her. Certainly, she had felt a bit slighted at the first mention of the idea, but she also realized how difficult it would be for all of the involved parties when Ray's departure came. Well, difficult for everyone but her. She'd get to see him every day while the others would have to make do with calls and emails and occasional visits. Comprehending this made spending the holidays basically alone a little bit easier for her. She even volunteered to work Christmas and New Year's Eve for those who had someone to go home to in hopes that the next year they'd return the favor to her. The others packed as much holiday crap into the remaining weeks and days they had with Ray. He had been to more parades, pageants and parties than he'd ever imagined existed. Finally, it all began to wind down, and before the Baton Rouge crew knew it, the time had come for him to go.

Like his November trip, Ray was driving to Chicago. A moving company had already packed up and taken his things to Neela's apartment. Darren, Alyssa, and Ash all met in Jacy's driveway to see him off on the Friday morning of his departure. Darren made him promise to try to get away from Chicago the next season if LSU made it to the BCS Championship Game in New Orleans. Ray vowed he'd at least attempt it if the opportunity came. Ash handed him back his _The Wind in the Willows_ book, saying that he'd "really, really liked it." Ray rumpled his hair before the little boy wrapped his arms around the bigger man's waist. Ray bent down and kissed Ash's sandy head. When he looked up, his mother and Alyssa were both dabbing tears. Jack had his arm planted firmly around Jacy's shoulders, but Alyssa stood alone hugging herself tightly. Ray took about two steps toward her and pulled her into his arms.

"I knew I was going to cry," she whispered as he held her in an extended embrace.

"You have to stop, though, before I start," he replied.

She nodded and wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her shirt as they broke the hug. Ray then moved over to Jack and Jacy. He hugged them both warmly and promised to call as soon as he got to his hotel and then to the apartment. Then, as though he was driving to the store, Ray climbed into his car, selected a CD from the changer and put the car in gear. Beeping the horn as he pulled out of the driveway, Ray stuck his hand out the open window to acknowledge the group waving back at him as they grew smaller in the rearview mirror. He took a deep breath as his pulse rate quickened a bit in his chest. Ready or not, he thought, here I come.


	25. Brother, What A Night It Really Was

A/N: Sorry it's taken so long. You all know how real life can intrude and it has. In this chapter, I've used quite a bit of jargon as Ray and Neela would when discussing a patient. For questions, please PM or email me if you have trouble. Of course, any other feedback/communication is also welcome.

Finally, this chapter is dedicated to V. because it's patients who make you into a doctor, not just the diploma. If you'd met her, I'm sure she would have made an impact on you, too as she did on everyone she knew.

* * *

Chapter 25 – _Brother, What a Night it Really Was_

Ray was back, except that he wasn't. Neela had actually been more concerned about his technical abilities at first; he was so different. But Pratt had assured her that if anything, he was a better doctor that before – more in tune to the patients' complaints, more insightful in his diagnoses and management plans, better equipped to instruct junior residents and students. She knew he was keeping up with the literature and all. He always had some sort of journal in hand, and he was very quiet. All the time. Yes, the iPod was always in his ears when she came in and he had been alone, but more often than not, the medium was a lecture, not any of the usual music that had always filled the room when he was around. He hadn't brought his records, either. She was worried.

So worried that she'd pushed her ortho schedules to cover the ER in order to keep an eye on him, but when she came down for her first consult, he wasn't there. Abby told her he had taken his PICU rotation that month, since he hadn't been able to complete it when the ER was closed. He hadn't mentioned this to Neela. Her hours were even crazier than his, and she still routinely ended up on q3 or 4 overnight call, even as a senior surgical resident, so they rarely saw each other at home. In certain ways they were more than roommates, but in other ways they still lived their separate lives in parallel with one another. She loved him and was so glad that he was back. She hoped he felt the same, but she wasn't sure what this man sleeping in her bed was feeling at all.

Without intruding on his privacy or whatever, she wanted to find out what was happening in his life. She struggled with how or even if she could accomplish this task. She had no idea what she should do. Luckily, she did know what to do about not knowing what to do. She drifted down to the ER without an ortho consult and found Abby and Pratt sitting at the desk arguing with Frank during an uncharacteristic lull in the action. Frank saw her first.

"Well, well, if it isn't our prodigal surgeon. Whatcha doin' down here?"

She smiled and shook her head. They'd shared a bond of sorts since she'd helped save Jerry's life some years before. He had been keeping an eye on Ray, too. She decided he'd need to be a part of this conversation.

"Things are moving about the same upstairs, too. My orders are in, and I thought I'd come see if you all needing anything at the moment," she tried.

Pratt pulled a chair up beside him and patted it. "Nah, we're good. Have a seat, though. You can hide out here for a while if you want."

She took the place he offered and the napkin-wrapped pastry Abby stuffed in her hand. She took a bite of the sticky sweet mess and sat it on the counter in front of her.

"That's disgusting, Abby."

"Sorry. What's up?" Abby grinned as she swiped the napkin into the trash.

"Um, well, I feel a little stupid about being here or asking you all this, but I didn't really know what else to do."

Pratt frowned. "What's going on, Neela?"

She ducked her eyes, feeling like she was tattling. "It's Ray." She looked up. The other three were staring intently back at her. She continued. "I'm worried about him. Obviously. He's been so quiet, and I hardly ever see him. He didn't even mention that he was starting his PICU rotation. Not that he has to explain or run things by me, but he's not talking to me."

Pratt and Abby exchanged pained glances. Frank rolled his eyes and took over.

"Well, these two aren't going to be any help. Her big daddy is still in Croatia," he started, pointing a thumb over at Abby before turning to Pratt. "And Casanova there can't pull the trigger on settling down with his lady," he mused. "I'm by no means an expert, but I have been married longer that you've been alive, so you're stuck with me."

Greg and Abby were too amused to be angry and decided to sit back and hear what Frank's advice to Neela could possibly be.

"Okay, Frank. Give me your pearls of marital wisdom." Neela realized she must be desperate if she was taking relationship advice from the curmudgeonly clerk.

Frank stopped shuffling papers across the desk and stared directly into her eyes. "You need to talk to him."

She nodded, waiting for the rest of his guidance. He made a little "hmrumpf" noise and turned back to the desk. She looked over at the other two who were sitting back in their chairs, amused smirks crossing their faces. She scoffed and shook her head in a gesture of futility. Pratt was barely containing his laughter while Abby dropped her head to the chart on her lap with a little snicker.

"What, that's it? I should talk to him?"

Frank nodded. "Yep."

"Right. Brilliant. Thanks for that, Frank, but I was looking for something more along the lines of _how_ I should talk to him. What should I say without sounding like I'm meddling?"

"Well," Frank mused, scratching his head, "Don't do it here. Maybe page him and see what time he's planning on going home and be waiting with dinner when he gets there."

"That's actually a good idea," agreed Pratt.

"I was going to scrub in on a meniscus repair at 5:30," Neela thought out loud. The three ER employees glared at her. "Right. I know. I'll take my name off the board if he can come home tonight."

She glanced at the clock before paging Ray. About 10 minutes later, he returned the call.

"ER, this is Dr. Rasgotra," she breathed as she answered the phone beside her.

"Did you page me?"

"Yeah, are you busy?"

"Um, yeah, actually I am. Why are you in the ER, and why are you answering the phone?"

"Just came down to see what was going on, and I paged you. Frank's busy."

"What did you need?"

"Have any idea when you'll be done tonight?"

"Not really, why?"

"I thought maybe I could cook dinner and we could have time together. I know we've both been had really crazy schedules over the past few weeks."

"I'm in the middle of something right now, but can I call you back in a little bit. I'll know better what's going on here in about an hour."

"Sure, just page me."

"Okay. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye, Ray," she said into the phone, but he was already gone.

Pratt came up behind her and placed his hand on her shoulder. "What's the verdict?"

"Don't know yet. He said he'll call back."

"Well, I have a consult for you if you want it."

Her eyes widened and she nearly grinned. "Which room?"

"Trauma 2. Traumatic posterior hip dislocation."

"MVA?"

"Yep."

"Did you get a full set of films?"

"They're cooking now. What do you want for sedation?"

"Versed and Fentanyl, I guess."

"I'll get it set up."

"Okay, I'll go in and talk to the patient. What's his name?"

"Keith Hughes. Otherwise, he's checking out okay. Bruises and scrapes, but no other major injuries."

"Great. Thanks, Greg."

Neela walked through the double doors and introduced herself to the patient. She examined him briefly before Pratt brought in the x-rays. He stuck them on the light box and the two of them examined the films.

She pointed to a small line of black in the white cup where the femoral head, obviously dislocated posteriorly, was supposed to be.

"There's a tiny fracture in the rim of the acetabulum, but it's basically insignificant. I'd call it a Type I. We can reduce it here if he's sufficiently relaxed."

"Do you need flouro?"

She shook her head. "Nope. Post-reduction films will be fine."

The procedure was one that the ER often did without the benefit of orthopedics, but Pratt knew that Neela needed something to do. He stood back and watched her finish preparing the patient for the procedure. He pushed the drugs for her before he and Malik stabilized the pelvis and applied traction. Neela gently adducted and internally rotated the femur to achieve reduction. She then rotated the hip to make sure the head of the femur was completely in place.

"That should do it. Let me know when the films are back and when he's awake." She started out of the room as her pager began to beep. Pulling it from her waistband, she punched the number on the keypad of the first phone she came to in the hall. Ray picked up on the first ring.

"You still in the ER?"

"Yeah, I had an ortho consult after you called. It's pretty calm down here right now. I guess I should go back upstairs. Did you take care of whatever you had going on?"

"Yeah. Sign out is at 4:30, so I should be home by 6, I guess. Is that okay?"

"Sure. I'll see you then."

She called Harold and told him that she was leaving. It was only noon, but they would have to make do without her. Harold could handle any consults until the end of the day. She needed to be at home when Ray arrived.

Ten minutes past six, Ray stumbled through the door. Neela hadn't seen him in about four days, and it appeared that he'd been awake that entire time. His light blue scrubs were stained under his wrinkled, grimy, no longer white coat. An impressive growth of stubble covered his face. She dropped the spoon she was using to stir a pot of rice and walked over to him.

"What's happened?"

He shrugged off his coat and pulled the scrub top over his head. "Can I just get a shower?" he asked but walked away without waiting for or expecting an answer.

She started to follow him down the short hallway but stopped. "Okay. I'll be out here if you need anything," she called out to his retreating back before turning her attention back to dinner.

Neela continued cooking for about half an hour, hearing only the sound of running shower water coming from the bathroom, before she went in to check on him. She knocked on the door before entering but pushed it open when there was no response. The room was choked with steam, causing her to marvel briefly at the longevity of the hot water supply. Cautiously she pulled back the curtain and found him sitting on the shower bench against the wall asleep. He hadn't made it to shaving yet, either. She reached in and turned off the water, attempting to avoid becoming totally soaked before placing her hand on his arm. He opened his eyes slowly.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "It's been a long day."

"Four days," Neela corrected, "It's been four days."

"Yeah, I'll be out in a minute. Can you hand me the towel?"

She nodded and pulled the piece of terry cloth off the rack. "I'll be in the kitchen."

"Okay," he nodded.

She retired to the kitchen where she perched on the edge of a chair while waiting for him to appear. He took another 15 minutes to make his way back. She stood as he approached her, still looking amazingly tired. She pulled out another chair for him. He sat heavily and sighed.

"Do you want something to eat?" she asked, assuming that he'd given eating about as much priority as sleeping over the past week.

He was leaning forward, head in hands, but he nodded. She stood to get him a plate of stir-fry and rice, his favorite. She plopped a glass of water in front of him, too.

"Thanks," he mumbled, before picking up the fork and pushing food around the dish.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

He shrugged almost imperceptibly before sighing again. "We lost a kid."

She nodded, understanding it was more than that. Kids died in the ER as well as the PICU. It was always sad, a terrible waste, but not every death affected a doctor this profoundly. Every patient lost did make you stop and reflect on the person whose life was ending as well as your own mortality, but it simply wasn't possible to feel so deeply for each patient. Otherwise, the emotional toll of the job would be too high. There was definitely more to the story, and she knew she'd have to wait for him to be ready to tell it. She got her own plate and sat down beside him. She began to eat quietly, trying not to watch him. But she couldn't help it. Her eyes were drawn to his, and when a tear silently escaped from one, she placed her left hand on his right one. He pushed the plate back and pulled her hand to his face along with both of his. He wasn't so much crying as rubbing his eyes as though he were trying to erase memories along with his need for sleep.

"I'm just too tired to do this now."

She nodded as she reclaimed her hand, inwardly chiding her newfound surgeon-ness; however, she wanted to show him she was there to support him. "Maybe if you talk about it now you'll be able to sleep, though," she offered.

He considered this for a moment before he began talking. "Okay," he decided.

"It was a 17-year-old with Neuroblastoma. Diagnosed at age 7, initial remission with multiple relapses over the past 10 years that have all been responsive to chemo, mostly to platinum. He'd been on PO Etoposide for the past 3 or 4 months but started with episodes of uncontrollable pain in his groin and leg with muscle spasm about a month ago. He had PO Dilaudid, at something like 2 mg Q 4 that wasn't even touching it. Peds admitted him from the ER for pain control. We got a CT that showed liver lesions that hadn't been there previously. When IR biopsied them, heme/onc also got a bone marrow. It was positive with more than 50 percent transformation. He'd never had bone marrow involvement before.

"When we told him and his parents the results, he knew immediately what it meant – everyone he's ever know with the disease has died once the bone marrow was positive. Within months. He was really upset and mad at first, of course, but he reconciled it after a day or two. His parents were devastated and rightfully so. Things had been going pretty well over the holidays. He'd been in school and spending time with friends this semester. It was hard for them to process the new information. They'd been told after every relapse that he probably wouldn't survive, but every time he'd done chemo, the tumors had responded and he got more time. I guess they knew this time was different, but his dad, especially, held on to the hope that he'd do okay, that chemo would take care of it just like it always had before."

Ray shifted some in his seat before he continued. "The problem was it was his fourth round of Cisplatin. He weighed about 90 pounds when he came in. He just had no reserve to take over when the chemo wore him down. He took the 4 days of Cisplatin like a champ. But when his white count started to fall …" he trailed off. Neela squeezed his hand.

"I went in on Monday and he said he didn't even feel like talking. Something was wrong, but he couldn't tell me what. His vitals had been stable all day. No fever, a little tachycardic, BP holding. We were just thinking that the chemo had worn him out. He was having some mucositis pain, but not out of proportion.

"About 10 pm on Monday, he spiked to 38.2 with systolics in the 60's. Cultures grew Pseudomonas in 12 hours. We'd started Ceftaz and Zosyn, but the sensitivities showed resistance to both of them on Tuesday. We switched to Cipro and Meropenem, but by that point, he was maxed out on Dopamine. The echo showed significant cardiac dysfunction, his lungs were a mess, and he'd been altered on Monday night before we intubated. The only thing that was hanging on was urine output, but that slowed by Wednesday. They went to Epi and Milrinone before his parents decided that it had been enough. We sat down with them today, answered all their questions and they decided to stop support. He died this afternoon."

"Oh, Ray. I'm so sorry."

"His name was Wes Owens. I'd seen him a couple of times before in the ER, admissions for febrile neutropenia and stuff. He always had a really good sense of humor, so when he came in a few weeks ago, it got me to thinking about the PICU rotation. I knew I had to finish it up, so I worked it out to go up while he was there. We'd just been hanging out, playing video games and watching TV whenever I had some spare time and in the evenings for the past couple weeks."

"Had he been PICU the whole time?"

Ray grinned as he nodded his head, "But not on our service. He was followed by inpatient peds, but he basically had his own room in the PICU. They just admitted him there."

"I'm sure it was rough on all the staff. It sounds like everyone knew him well."

Ray nodded as he stared past her into the rest of the darkened apartment. "He was 17, Neela. He should have been worrying about basketball season and whether or not his prom date would sleep with him. It's so wrong."

"I don't think anyone has explanations for those things, Ray."

He turned to stare directly at her. "I can't do this, Neela."

"You don't have to Ray. After this month you'll be done."

He closed his eyes as he pushed back from the table. "Not that, Neela. This. Us. I can't do this."

"Ray, you're upset and tired. Why don't you lie down for a while and try to sleep? I took off tomorrow. We can do something fun together."

He rose from his chair and looked down at her with yet another sigh. "Yeah, maybe you're right." He turned around and walked through the living room into the bedroom where he closed the door behind him.

She stood alone in the empty kitchen, trying to take in what he had said. Surely it was all a by-product of the horrible tragedy he had experienced today. Still, as she glanced down at the table to begin clearing, she noticed that her hands were shaking. She wasn't sure how much longer she could do this, either.


	26. Time, Truth and Hearts

A/N: Thanks so much for the last chapter's reviews. Here's a bit more for your holiday enjoyment.

* * *

Chapter 26 – _Time, Truth and Hearts_

He slept for 18 hours, an eternity for a resident, and she cleaned the entire apartment as she waited for him to wake. Twice she walked into the bedroom to make sure that he was still breathing. He was. She tried to start reading the novel she'd purchased on a whim while walking through the market the previous weekend. She couldn't. And really, when did she think she'd have time to read a book anyway? He needed to wake up. They needed to talk, obviously. She needed to know if he had been in the middle of an emotional outburst or if their problems were more serious. She realized that by not knowing the answer to this she was admitting that the relationship was not in a good place, but she was willing to work on it. She truly wanted to be with him. Even more, she wanted him to want to be with her.

Ray woke up slowly and found that he felt rested for the first time since he'd come back to Chicago. All too suddenly, though, he realized he'd have to face Neela and the things he had said to her the night before. For a moment, he considered rolling back over and going back to sleep, but he knew it wouldn't help. Besides, he wanted to run. Neela would come with him if he asked, and maybe they could discuss it all down by the lake. The apartment was just too confining for what he needed to say. He decided to wash up a little before facing her.

When she heard him stirring in the other room, she subconsciously ran her hand over her tied back hair. She still hadn't decided how to play it. Some of the options she was considering were a) to ask bluntly him what he meant, b) to wait a little while for him to bring it up before mentioning it while walking on eggshells in the interim and c) to just go on with things as though he had never said anything. She guessed she'd know when she saw him which option to choose. He'd want to run when he came out, though. That was his new thing, and frankly that was fine with her. He was always in a better mood when he got back. Sometimes he asked her to go with him, but it just depended on the situation. She was more than happy to let him go off alone today, though.

He was dressed for a run when he emerged. Neela started to head toward the kitchen when he spoke. "You wanna come?" he addressed her retreating back.

She stopped and turned. "Do you want me to come or is this some sort of peace offering?"

He rubbed his hand over his head and then down over his face. "I want you to come." He considered saying more but left it at that.

She looked at him for a minute. "Let me grab my trainers."

It was a decent run from the apartment to the waterfront, but he didn't want to waste time on the streets. They took his car and parked in a lot not far from the lake. He got all geared up to go as Neela stretched beside him on the curb. She stepped up beside him as he took his place on the footpath. He glanced down at her without a word and started off.

_Apparently we aren't talking yet_, was Neela's thought as she pushed herself to stay with him. His long strides could easily outpace her, but he was allowing her to stay reasonably close. They made their usual two mile loop before stopping back at the car for a drink. She passed him the Nalgene bottle of water after taking her own drink, watching the steam rising from his head and escaping his mouth with he breathed. It was cold enough out, but neither one of them actually felt it. The sun was already starting to fade westward as they stood silently, deciding whether or not to go again.

"Maybe we could just walk for a bit," Neela tried. That idea seemed to satisfy him sufficiently. He tossed her the bottle, and she secured it in the truck before joining him once again along the track. He walked beside her this time, instead of a step or two in front, as he had been during the run. About a quarter mile into their walk, he stopped and turned toward her.

"I know we have to talk, but I don't really know what to say."

She waited for him to continue talking, but instead he started walking again. She didn't immediately follow.

"What do you want me to say, Neela?" He asked as he started back down the path to where she was standing. "Just tell me what I need to say and I will. What do I need to do?"

She shook her head slowly. "I can't tell you that Ray. You have to decide." She hadn't realized it would come to this so soon.

"I don't want to hold you back from the things you need to accomplish." He stated.

She walked forward and placed her hand on his. "Is that what you think?"

"Partly, yeah. But it's more than that, Neela. I think we want different things out of life." She opened her mouth to protest but he stopped her. "I don't think that we always did, but I think I've changed."

"Well, yeah." She allowed him that.

He continued. "The way things are now, I understand. That's residency and it's just how it is, but when we're done, it won't be a whole lot different. I'll still be working shifts and you'll still be a surgeon."

"It will be better, Ray."

"Probably a little bit, but it's okay, Neela. That's what you want. I understand that, and I want you to have it. I want you to be amazing and world-renowned."

She stopped him, "So let me make sure I'm getting this right, Ray. I can either have my career or you?"

"That's not exactly what I'm saying."

"But it's the gist of it."

"I used to want it, too, Neela. I didn't care about kids or settling down or whatever, but I want that now. And I'm not sure that you do." He quickly continued. "And that's fine. I don't want to be another Michael." Her eyes widened and he was immediately sorry he'd said it.

She was eerily silent for a moment but then found words. "What do you mean by that, Ray? Another Michael?"

He took a deep breath and tried to dig himself out of this one. "I mean that we shouldn't commit to a relationship or possibly a marriage with each other because of feelings we had in the past or an idea of how things should have been but aren't. We have to look at the here and now, not what was."

"Oh, I see, and I _was_ going to let you sleep inside tonight, but I guess there's no need for that, either." She tried to make a joke, but he knew he had hurt her feelings.

"Neela, I shouldn't have said that." He tried to touch her arm but she slinked away.

"No, Ray. It's fine. You just said what you were thinking."

"I'm sorry. I should have found a better way to say it." This time she let him place his arm around her shoulders and lead her to a bench beside the walkway. Together they sat in silence for several moments until she spoke.

"You're right, though." He shifted on the seat so he was looking directly at her. "I'm not ready for those things, and truthfully, I don't know if I even want them." She swallowed hard as though she was just realizing it herself. "I love what I do, and if that's what I have to show for my life, it would be enough."

"There's nothing wrong with that, Neela. I just want something different."

"Something more, you mean."

"No. Just different."

"Something that you're still looking for or something that's already waiting for you?" She asked pointedly. She had seen the captures of the lovely young doctor and her son on Ray's phone.

"I don't know. Maybe it's waiting for me, but probably it's gone. Probably they're gone."

She made a pass at her nose and eyes with a sleeve, trying to stop them from running and him from seeing. "You should go find out."

"That's not what this is about. I came back here to finish the things I had started. I still have a year left."

"You could find a place down there to complete your residency. I'm sure they can use ER docs in Baton Rouge or New Orleans at the very least."

"I've thought about it a million times, Neela, but I need to be here to prove that I can finish it. That's really important."

She placed her hand on his as the realization of his words hit her. "And this. You had to finish this, too. Didn't you." It wasn't a question.

He dropped his head. "I had to let it play out, and we're both in good places now. It just isn't the same one."

She nodded. She knew he was right. They both deserved all they wanted in life, and right now, that wasn't the same thing. She stood from the bench and pulled him to standing. "I'll race you back to the car," she grinned, "As long as you let me win."

He smiled back. "I'm sorry, Neela."

She shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, you are, but I love you anyway."

"Forever?" he asked, knowing that's how long he would love her.

"Always."


	27. And You Will Think That I've Moved On

Chapter 27 – _And You Will Think That I've Moved On_

Together, they decided it would be best for Ray to move out. Archie offered his place a little too excitedly when he heard the news, but Ray, expecting this would happen, had already secured a place with a surgical resident Neela had recommended before he got back to work on Monday. They still saw each other in passing, and Ray began to settle back into life in the ER when his month in the PICU ended.

Spring started pushing its way through winter's hold on the city, and by the time Neela's birthday rolled around in the middle of April, there were hints of color splattered about. Ray took it upon himself to organize a party at Ike Ryan's. With Abby's help, he managed to get most of the ER and OR staffs together on the evening of her birthday. The miniscule detail of actually getting her to show up was left to Ray. He headed up to surgery to find her.

She'd had a horrible day. He knew when he saw her coming out of the surgeon's lounge. Dubenko was with her, trying to cheer her up, but it obviously wasn't working. Ray, suddenly feeling very out of place and unnecessary, found himself standing by the main OR desk waiting for them to approach. Dubenko saw him first.

"Dr. Barnett. What brings you up to our neck of the woods?" he asked, almost surprised.

"I just wanted to make sure that surgery department remembered Dr. Rasgotra's birthday. We're pretty possessive of our people down in the ER, you know."

"So I see." Lucien shot back. "But yes, we are aware of the occasion."

"Great, so then we'll see you at Ike's tonight with everyone else?"

Neela dove into the sea of testosterone, "Who is going to Ike's?"

"Oh, yeah, that's what I came to tell you." Ray's face reddened. "It was supposed to be a surprise. I was just supposed to ask you to come, but we got a few people together for your birthday is all."

"How many is 'a few,' exactly?" She placed a hand on her hip and turned her head to the side so Lucien couldn't see her glare.

"Not sure, we still have a couple of 'maybes.' I'll know better at shift change."

"Oh God, Ray. You didn't have to do that," she protested.

"I know, but I wanted to. So can we put you down as a yes, Dr. Dubenko?"

"Lucien, really, it's not necessary for you to change plans," Neela interrupted as the older man opened his mouth to reply.

"Nonsense, Neela. It sounds like great fun. Count me in, Dr. Barnett."  
"Great! We're going to start heading over just as people can get out. Don't keep the guest of honor calculating chest tube drainage too long." Ray winked and turned for the elevator.

"Will-do, Dr. Barnett," he heard Dubenko's reply as the doors closed in front of him. He rode to the ER where he was met by Abby as he exited the elevator.

"Is she coming?"

"Yeah, I had to tell her why, though."

"Ray! So much for the surprise."

"She had a crappy day and it was the only way I could get her to come," he half lied. "Oh, and Dubenko is coming, too." Ray sulked off to finish his charts so he'd be ready to go when the next shift arrived.

"Jealous much?" Frank jibed. Ray ignored him. "You're the one who broke up with her," the big man continued.

Ray whirled around. "It was a mutual agreement."

"_Hurumpf_. That's what they all say on the E! network."

Abby came up behind him. "You watching a lot of E! these days, Frank?"

"Don't you all have some patients to see?" he grumbled over his shoulder as he pretended to be organizing papers.

Abby stepped up beside Ray, "Oh, by the way, I think the new guy wants to come to the party." She gestured to the blonde Australian with his back to them in Curtain Area 3.

"You've gotta be kidding me? First Dubenko and now Brenner, who is a dick, by the way."

"Ray!" Abby hissed. "He's also Anspaugh's nephew."

"So there's no chance of Luka coming back?"

Abby shook her head resolutely. "He needs a change. He's sure about it."

"Well, we're tearing through attendings like Frank through a box of doughnuts."

"I heard that Barnett," Frank growled from the other side of the desk.

"Sorry Frank. It's a valid analogy, though." He turned back to Abby. "Any word on the Chief search? Does Greg have a shot? And what about you? Are you going to take an attending position?"

Abby threw up her hands. "Enough questions. I don't have any answers to any of them. And what does it matter to you anyway? You aren't staying."

"Does she honestly tell you everything?"

"Pretty much."

"Well so do I. Wait, do you tell her what I tell you?"

Abby picked up his arm, which was preventing her from exiting the desk area and ducked under it. "I'm tired of being Dr. Phil for the both of you. Talk to each other or someone other than me. And no, unless I totally slip up I don't tell one what the other says."

A few hours later, they all had gathered at Ike Ryan's to celebrate Neela's 31st birthday. Ray spent the entire evening trying to get his ER friends to mingle with the OR staff. It went ok, better after everyone had consumed a few drinks. There was karaoke, and Abby, Neela, and Sam tried their hand at a little Madonna. Archie made Greg and Ray join him on Three Dog Night's 'Joy to the World.' Even Frank was persuaded to do a little Rick James. Neela finally got the surgery crew up on the stage with Dusty and Lucien agreeing to join her on 'I Want to Hold Your Hand.' Simon Brenner, the Australian attending Abby had eluded to earlier, sat back taking in the scene for most of the party while slowly working on a Guinness. As host, Ray decided he should probably go over and say hello.

"Brenner?"

"Barnett, is it?"

"Yeah, but Ray's fine."

"Simon." The older man stuck out a hand. Ray shook it and took the high chair across from him.

"You settling in okay?"

"I'm good. Thanks."

"It's good that you came." Ray tried to sound honest.

"Thanks for the invite. So you two are …" Brenner let it trail off.

"Over, I guess. We were roommates a few years ago, and when I came back, we tried the more than roommates thing," he spewed, horrified at his inability to curb this verbal diarrhea with a guy he knew very little about.

Brenner nodded. "It was nice of you to do this."

Ray shrugged. "It's kind of what we do here."

Brenner nodded again and nudged his glass toward one of the 4th year students sitting across the bar. "Have you worked with her?"

Ray shook his head. He didn't recognize the tall dark-haired girl. "Why?"

"She's pretty amazing, if you know what I mean." Brenner winked.

"I guess I'll have to take your word for it," Ray managed as he stood from the chair. "Well, I'll see you around, I guess."

"Yeah," Brenner said, his attention totally turned to the girls across the room.

Ray shook his head as he walked away and joined Abby at the bar. "That guy is absolutely pathological."

Abby shrugged. "And that makes him different from any of us in what way?"

Ray laughed. "Good point, Lockhart."

"Abby."  
"Right. I forgot."

She swatted him with a cocktail napkin. "You're a good guy, Ray," she decided.

"I don't know about all that, Abby."

"You didn't have to do this for her."

"I know, but look at her. She's having so much fun." They both turned toward Neela who was organizing another group of singers on the stage, laughing as her dark hair and eyes shined.

"So what are you going to do?" Abby asked, cryptically.

"About what?"

"I mean when she meets someone. What are you going to do then?"

"She knows lots of people. I'm obviously fine with that."

"Ray, stop. I'm serious. You were steaming when you saw her talking to Dubenko, who is _her attending_, today. You have to realize that when the two of you decided to go separate ways those ways will eventually include new people for both of you."

"Well, you married your attending, so I think that was warranted."

"That's exactly my point. She's going to marry someone and the way you've left things, it isn't going to be you."

"Shit, Abby. Do we have to do this right now?" His phone vibrated in his pocket and he retrieved it. Alyssa. Thank God! He held up the phone to Abby and walked out the front door into the street to talk. He hit send and grinned into the phone, "You just got me out of a very awkward situation."

Alyssa laughed. "I don't think I want to know. Sorry for calling so late, though. I got your message earlier, but it was T-ball team selection night."

"Ah, did we get a good team?"

"I think so. The jerseys are red, so Ash sees this as a positive sign."

"Of course. I think it is, as well." They both laughed. "What's the schedule like?"

"I'm not sure. I'll email you it once I get it, though."

"Yeah, sounds good. Maybe I can make one."

She hesitated. "That would be fun, but just make sure it's a done deal before you tell him."

He nodded to no one. "I will. Probably if I could come it would be a last minute thing, so I'll just leave it as a surprise."

He heard her voice brighten. "Even better idea." She stopped. "Where are you? It sounds loud."

He cupped his hand around the phone. "Sorry. I thought it was probably quieter out here. A bunch of us went out for Neela's birthday."

"Oh," she paused again. "I hope everyone's having fun."

"Yeah, seems like it. There's karaoke and everything."

"Well, I don't want to keep you. I just wanted to say hi."

"No, you're not keeping me. I'm glad you guys are good."

Her voice caught as though she was holding something back. "Yeah." She paused yet again. "We are."

"Alyssa?"

"Really. Oh my gosh, you're going to make me tell, aren't you?"

"Um, yeah." He was more than a little perplexed.

"I met someone."

Ray blinked twice, speechless. "Wow, that's great," he tried to sound cheerful, happy, but he knew he wasn't pulling it off.

Fortunately, she was too excited to notice. She spent the next ten minutes filling Ray in on Cooper Williams, the New Orleans ADA she'd met at a conference on health care access in the 9th Ward. Brad Pitt had been there, but Williams was the one who caught her eye. They'd been seeing each other for almost two months, and she had even introduced him to Ash. The two had gotten along famously.

Ray listened silently, barely even breathing as she continued. He hadn't told her that he'd moved out of Neela's. He hadn't wanted to sound needy. Now he found himself in the same position he'd been in years ago with Neela and Gates. A pounding began behind his eyes and spread out to his temples. This couldn't be happening again. He tried to listen politely until she finished and mumbled some platitude about being happy for her before she finally rung off. He paced in front of the bar for a few minutes more, his hand pressed against his head. That's where Greg found him.

"What's up? You disappeared there."

Ray nodded, still not looking up. "Alyssa was on the phone."

Pratt smiled. "Oh yeah? What did she say?"

Ray looked at Pratt and rolled his eyes. "She met someone. In New Orleans. At a Brad Pitt rally. Some lawyer. And Ash loves him."

Pratt put his hand on Ray's shoulder. "Shit man, I'm sorry."

"Yeah. I think I'm going to go home. Tell Neela I said Happy Birthday."

"You sure you'll make it okay?"

Ray nodded, obviously dismayed but still managed a joke. "I promise to look both ways before crossing the street."

"That's just wrong," Pratt sighed. "Be careful, man. Talk to you later."

"Night, Greg." Ray started toward the "L" platform.

Pratt called after him, "You sure you're okay?"

Ray sighed and shrugged. "Not really, but what can I do?"

"I don't know man." He'd tried advice once before with disastrous results. He wasn't about to try again.

"Neither do I, but I'm going to bed." Ray turned and walked away and Greg was left scratching his head in the moonlight over his friend's relationship status yet again. He hoped to God this time would turn out significantly better than the last.


	28. So Make the Best of This Test

A/N: Thanks so much for your reviews and comments. I think some of you are reading my mind. I'm also so glad that the writers saw things my way, as well. I'm still interested in seeing how they end it, and I haven't decided exactly which ending I'm going with. I hope this chapter gives a little more clarity to what my idea of Ray and Neela are thinking.

* * *

Chapter 28 – So Make the Best of This Test and Don't Ask Why

Ray was off the day after the party, a rarity, since he was working more than his required shift number to try to make up ground. The residency program director had approved his request to increase first to full-time full shifts and then to pick up extras. Under the 80-hour workweek cap, he was allowed to work six shifts per week but was only required to complete 18 per month as a third-year resident and 16 per month as a 4th year. He was averaging more like 25. That worked out to 75 hours per week, and everyone was satisfied with it. This would slowly allow him to make up the ER shift he needed to finish. In fact, the month he had missed had already been made up. He was now working on adding the extra shifts to decrease the amount of time remaining in his final year of residency. His hope was that he would have completed all his remaining rotations by Christmas. He was nine months off-cycle, but he thought he could do it. It would just mean a lot more work in the ER when his shift load should have been reduced.

This meant that every day off was especially precious. And that's why he was especially perturbed when the knock on his front door woke him at 7:00 am. It took him a few minutes to get to the door, and the visitor began knocking again as he reached to unbolt it.

"I'm coming," he growled as he pulled back the door to see who was disturbing him. Neela was waiting, her right fist raised to rap again on the hard surface.

"Well, at least you're not dead," she sulked as she dropped her hand and pushed past him into the apartment. She cleared a place on the arm of the couch, moving a pizza box, two beer bottles and an assortment of t-shirts and single socks, before she sat. She turned to Ray, wearing only his boxers with his prosthetics clad in tennis shoes.

"What?" he asked, more than a little aggravated.

"I've been trying to call you all night. For all I knew you were lying in a crosswalk somewhere." She got up and walked to the kitchen. Even though she'd made a joke, she was angry with him and had to turn away to keep him from seeing her eyes beginning to tear. "Is there any coffee?" she asked from the other room.

"Very funny, Neela, and I have no idea if there's any coffee. Probably not. I think Bruce was on last night and he hasn't been home yet."

"I'm sorry. That wasn't so nice, was it? But I was worried. Where did you go to all of a sudden? And then I couldn't get you on the phone."

"Yeah, I just felt like leaving." He didn't want to explain any more than that.

"And then you turned off your phone?"

"The battery must have died," he lied. "Sometimes the charger doesn't work."

"Well, I was still worried."

"Yeah, I guess I can see your point. Sorry. Is that why you're here?"

She rolled her eyes. "Partly. I wanted to thank you for the party. It was fun even if I was a bit hesitant at first."

Ray nodded. "Yeah, it was a good time.

"Also, I wanted to tell you something that Lucien told me last night." Ray pursed his lips as he waited for her to speak. "Aren't you going to guess?" she urged.

"I have no idea what it could be," he whispered as a million sordid possibilities filled his head.

"He's offered to recommend me for fast-track to the trauma fellowship."

"That's great, Neela." Ray smiled at her.

"It means I can begin the fellowship in my 4th year instead of after my 5th. That saves me over a year!"

"It's great. What do you think you'll do with that extra year?" he asked out of his own curiosity.

Her eyes lit up, "Well," she started, "I was thinking I could do research or Doctors Without Borders, or I could start a cardio-thoracic fellowship."

"Wow. You've thought it all out," he nodded to himself as he thought about all the things she didn't say.

"Lucien said they would be quite complementary specialties, CT surgery and trauma."

Ray nodded. "I guess they would be."

She turned back to face him again after she turned on the coffee maker. "What will you do?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, even though he knew what she meant.

"When you're done. Abby says you're on track to be finished by Christmas or thereabouts."

Ray shrugged. "I haven't thought about it much. I'm just trying to get finished."

She furrowed her brow. "Is Alyssa okay with leaving Baton Rouge, or will you be looking for places there?"

Ray pulled two mugs from the cupboard and milk from the fridge but kept his back to Neela. "I'm just making decisions for me these days."

"Ray? What happened?"

He turned and handed her a mug. "Nothing happened. She's seeing someone else, just like I told you she probably would be."

"Oh, Ray. I'm sorry. Did you talk to her last night?" she asked. He nodded. She looked even more perplexed. "Well, I thought after we…that you…" she stammered.

He shook his head. "I waited. I don't know why I waited." He looked up at her, "Why do I always wait?"

She squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry, Ray. I could tell you really liked her."

"Yeah, but did I? I mean, I've never been too shy or squeamish about closing the deal, if you know what I mean …"

"Except in the case of people you really care about and hope to have a future with." She finished. "At least, I hope that's what it means. Otherwise, I've really been blowing smoke up my own ass."

Ray grinned. "I hope you're right."

"Do you love her, Ray?"

He sat down at the kitchen table and played with a string on his shorts. He shrugged and looked out the window behind the sink before answering. "I'm not sure what it was. I liked that whole feel. Family, I guess. We had parties at my mom's house with a bunch of kids all around. And I was getting along with my mom the whole time. I loved that, and she made it all possible."

Neela slid his mug in front of him as she sat across from him at the table. "Those are all good things, Ray, but that might not be enough."

"I never got the chance to know. I think we would have been good together." Neela nodded and reached over to grab his hand. Ray continued. "I never would have imagined that I'd want this, or maybe that I'd want it now. And I do, Neela. I want it."

"I love that you can know and admit that, Ray. It's very mature."

"What about us?"

"What about us, Ray?" She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I think we've been through it."

"But is that all? We never really said the words. I just assumed things about you and me and what we wanted."

It took every ounce of self-control that Neela possessed to keep from crawling across the table or pulling him into the bedroom, but she restrained herself. "We've said them before, Ray. You know what I want. You always did."

"I just keep thinking that maybe I'm wrong, that there's some way we can find a middle ground. But when you came in here today so excited about what Dubenko was offering because it meant you could do two fellowships instead of just one, well, that's who you are. And if I changed that somehow or if you felt like you had to change it for me, I couldn't live with that. And I couldn't ask you to, either."

"That's why I love you, Ray." She absently flipped through some papers on the corner of the table as she tried to continue. "When I went to medical school, I somehow thought that excused me from the domestic responsibilities that I'd been raised to uphold. Then Michael was in my life for that short time, and I began to rethink all those notions I'd pretty much given up on. Michael wanted children and he really didn't like the idea of me becoming a surgeon. I say that I'd begun to rethink things because I hadn't completely worked it all out. I still didn't know if I wanted children, but we didn't ever really have to talk about it. We never got that far." She paused for a second and rubbed her eyes as she took a sip of her coffee. "You and I were always on the same page there, and even now. And you knew, even without the huge conversation. You just knew."

Ray pushed back from the table a little bit but didn't stand. "Well, yeah. But what if you're wrong?"

Neela shrugged. "I might want it some day, but I don't now."

"I can wait. Apparently I'm good at that." Ray suddenly realized.

Neela shook her head. "I don't think it works like that, Ray. I don't think that will make either of us happy, you waiting for me to be ready and me trying to hurry things along so I will be. What happens five or ten years from now if I decide my answer is no or you rush me into something I don't want and we end up hating each other? And even worse, what if there's a child involved?" Neela shook her head again, more resolutely this time. "No, Ray. I can't do that. I'm not doing that."

"But what if we're only ever truly happy together? Do we just live some sort of half lives without the other? I don't want that, either, Neela."

She sighed. "I think we have to believe we're doing the right thing here and that there will be someone or something else that's better."

Ray leaned against the back of his chair and considered this. After a few minutes he spoke. "It's not like we wouldn't still be best friends."

"Exactly," Neela confirmed, "And it's possible that in the long run we'd eventually end up together anyway."

Ray was a little more uneasy with this thought. If there was a chance, then why hold up their happiness?

But it was as though Neela had read his thoughts. "It's called delayed gratification, Ray. You eventually get what you want, and it means so much more because you've waited for it."

"I hope you're right," he sighed as he stood from the chair feeling defeated. "I'm going back to bed. Lock the door on your way out."

She walked around the table and wrapped her arms around his waist. "You're not done yet."

He squinted down at her. "What do you mean?"

"You haven't planned what you're going to do from here."

"Yes I have. I'm going to sleep."

She pinched his arm playfully, "No, silly, what you're going to do about Alyssa."

He shrugged helplessly, "What can I do?"

Neela grinned, a mischievous glint in her eye, "You can fight for her."


	29. The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye

A/N: Thanks for your reviews. It makes the next installment easier to write. We're getting into Season 15 stuff now, so if you haven't seen it or don't want to, be forewarned. That being said, I wrote my beginning and outlined this story long before this season played out on TV, so there may be discrepancies with canon.

* * *

Chapter 29 – _The Show Is Over, Say Goodbye_

"It was weird, Greg," Ray explained to his friend a few days later. "She told me to fight for a relationship with someone else. What does that even mean?"

Greg scratched his head. He was dealing with his own stuff with Bettina and didn't feel qualified to give relationship advice to anyone. "I don't know. I guess it means that she's over you."

"But it didn't really feel like that. It felt like she was holding something back."

Pratt nodded. "Okay, then maybe she's just trying to make you think she's okay with it so you don't know how upset she is about you wanting to be with someone else."

"That's the problem, though. She thinks, or thought, I was rushing off to pursue some relationship with Alyssa."

"Well, weren't you?" Pratt was thoroughly confused.

"Not exactly." This wasn't helping. Ray hopped off the counter and grabbed a chart. "I'll figure out something." Pratt watched, head shaking, as Ray walked off to see a patient.

When Ray returned, Dr. Wilcox was waiting for him at the admit desk. The residency director ushered him into the lounge where he announced that he had given Ray the entire Memorial Day Weekend off. Ray attempted to protest, stating that he needed the shifts to make his goal of a year-end graduation, but Wilcox was immobile on the subject.

"Ray," he began rather impassionedly, "You need a break. You've been working so hard to make up your lost time that you've barely had a day off in the last five months. I know you want to finish as quickly as you can, but that's what leads to burnout. The most you'd miss is three shifts, and you need a vacation."

He didn't like the idea of missing his shifts, but he couldn't argue with Dr. Wilcox. Well, he could, but it really wouldn't do any good. Plus, he'd have three days to spend in Baton Rouge. He was scheduled for the overnight shift on Wednesday and Tuesday bracketing the holiday weekend, so he would actually have even more free time. He booked a flight leaving Thursday at noon and one returning on Tuesday. The more he thought about it, the more he was looking forward to the trip. He was thinking he would have to thank Dr. Wilcox for his insistence on this vacation.

Over the next few weeks, he maintained his insane schedule. He assumed Neela's was equally rough, as he hadn't seen her for over a week. He was moonlighting on transports on his off days and shifts, and according to his roommate, Bruce Chen, a third-year surgery resident, Neela had a patient in SICU requiring most of her time after she developed an infection involving her aortic graft. He thought about going up to see if she needed anything but eventually decided against it. It wasn't as if he would be adding any medical knowledge, and he assumed his presence would only be a nuisance. So he stayed away. When he heard that her patient had died, Ray sent her a text that went unanswered.

Then, word trickled down that Dubenko was leaving, something about a blow-up in M&M or Grand Rounds. He'd left Neela unsupervised in the OR, and it came to light as she presented the case at conference. According to Brenner, Anspaugh was livid. Rather than face disciplinary action, Dubenko was resigning. Ray kicked himself for missing Neela's presentation; he'd been on overnight. But he was sure this revelation would have more disastrous effects on Neela than just losing her patient. It was after finding out what was happening that he decided to look for her.

Pratt had some sort of craziness going on with one of his patients. Abby had been gone most of the day with Luka, although she was supposed to be working, he thought. Morris was also working, and there were several other residents milling around. He surveyed the department, deciding it was well enough staffed before walking into the ambulance bay to if she might have stepped outside for some sunshine. He thought about walking to Jumbo Mart to get out of the building for a minute, but he had charts to finish before he left. He finally realized he was going to have to look for her in her own habitat.

When he reached the surgical floor, the complete lack of activity took him by surprise. It was never this quiet. The ORs were empty, the board was clear, the SICU was almost deserted, and no one was manning the main desk. Ray walked up and down the hall a couple of times, finding only one girl from Central Supply who had no idea where anyone was or why there were no cases in progress. In a last-ditch effort, he thought about knocking on the lounge door or even walking in. He was a physician, after all. He placed his open palm on the door, almost pushing against it before it was yanked back from him, knocking him off balance. He grabbed the doorjamb to keep from falling forward as his pager began to squawk at his waist.

Simon Brenner clasped Ray's arm to steady him. He reached for his own pager, vibrating on his unbuckled belt. Over Brenner's shoulder, Neela was checking hers as well. She wheeled around until her eyes met Ray's. Her hand flew to her tousled hair as she dropped her head and scrunched down in the armchair behind her, realizing she was wearing only a camisole. Ray could see the two small impressions her nipples pressed against the silk as she reached for her shirt on the floor beside the chair. She refused to look at Ray.

Brenner spoke. "You steady there, mate?"

Ray's heart pounded so loudly, he was quite certain Brenner could hear it. "What? Yeah, I'm fine. I was just looking for Nee…sorry. I'm sorry. I have to go."

"Yeah, we've been paged as well. All hell must have broken loose. See you down there in a few minutes."

Ray was already halfway to the elevator and didn't acknowledge Brenner any further. He pressed the down button, but when the car didn't immediately appear, he pushed through the door to the stairwell. He made it to the first landing before he stopped to process what he had just seen. He leaned his head against the wall, lightly beating it against the cinder blocks as he tried to believe what he had allowed, even caused to happen. He dropped down to sit on the step, but his time for personal reflection was cut short by his pager. This time it was 911, and he really had to go. Undoubtedly, Neela and Brenner would be there, too.

He dragged himself down the rest of the stairs to the ground floor. Gurneys of injured people were crowding the hallway, even back by the elevators and stairs. He fought against the current to the desk where Frank was furiously directing traffic and attempting to answer the phone. Brenner had called it accurately, all hell had broken loose. Ray locked eyes with Frank long enough for the big man to motion him to the trauma rooms.

"Ambulance transporting Pratt's patient blew up," panted Frank.

Ray's pulse quickened, his breaths started to come in short spurts. He opened his mouth to ask, but Frank beat him to it. "They're in Trauma 2. Go help Archie."

Ray nodded and pressed through the crowd toward the trauma room door, hoping he was prepared for what he was going to find when he got there.


	30. It Never Rains When You Want It To

A/N: Thanks again for your amazing reviews. I hope this chpater explains a little more about the mindsets of Neela and Ray. It's also the beginning of Season 15 and my take on that. I hope that you enjoy.

* * *

Chapter 30 – _It Never Rains When You Want It To_

He pushed through the doors and into the trauma room. Morris and Abby and several nurses were gathered around the bed. Pratt was wide-eyed, a Yankauer suction tip in his mouth. The two doctors were squabbling over what to do next, and Abby was limping as she moved around the bed.

"Morris, Abby, stop," Ray decided someone needed to take over the situation. They both turned and looked at him. "The first thing we do is ABC's. Come on, guys. You know that." He walked toward Pratt and addressed him. "Hey, man. You're going to be okay. We're going to take care of you. Are you in pain?"

Pratt started to nod his head, "Yeah," he whispered.

But Ray grabbed it and stopped him. "Not until we've cleared your c-spine. Sorry, that was a dumb question. We'll get you something for it as soon as we can."

Ray stood back and looked over his friend, the patient. His jaw was obviously broken and something was causing bleeding that was eventually going to impair Greg's breathing. He ran over a few scenarios in his mind before his own eyes widened. "Where's Neela?"

"I think she and Brenner picked up another patient in the hall," Sam offered. "Do you want me to get her?"

"Yeah. Now."

Greg reached over and grabbed Ray's hand. "What?" he asked quietly. "How bad?"

"Your mandible is broken on the left side, obviously."

"We removed a couple of teeth obstructing the airway," Morris interrupted lifting an emesis basin to show Ray.

"Did you have him open his mouth any further?" Ray asked as he moved over to the left side and began examining Greg's neck. He stuck his stethoscope in his ears and listened over the lateral aspect of the neck.

"A little bit, why?" Abby asked. Ray now noticed that she was covered in dirt, scrapes and bruises.

"Are you hurt?" he asked her before turning back to Greg.

"I was walking back and got knocked down by the blast. I'm fine. I was the first one on the scene. I'm just dirty from that."

"Let someone clean up your cuts and make sure you are fine. You'll be back in a few minutes. And send in Gates if you can find him," he called over his shoulder to Abby who was reluctantly leaving the room. Neela passed her on the way in.

"What have we got?" she asked looking briefly at Ray before averting her eyes. It was in that instant she realized Pratt was their patient. "Good Lord! What happened?"

"I thought you knew what was going on." Ray pressed.

"I heard an ambulance blew up. No one said anything to me about Pratt," she whispered tersely to Ray before turning to Greg. "We're going to take good care of you, Greg. Don't worry about anything. Do you need us to call Chaz or Bettina?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. We'll get Frank right on that. What are you thinking, Ray?"

"Like I was saying, Greg's mandible is fractured on the left. I'm afraid that if we move it blindly, such as in an intubation attempt, if we should need to, we'll lacerate the carotid artery. Can you get ENT or maxillary facial to take him up now?"

"You haven't even assessed him, Ray. I can't just take him to surgery." Neela moved around the table and began examining Pratt.

"Well, let's assess him quickly and then get him upstairs before it's too late and he strokes out!" Everyone was looking at him. Neela angrily motioned for him to meet her in the hall.

"We'll be right back, Greg. Sam will keep an eye on you until we get back. Ray. Morris. In the hall. Now."

The two men followed her through the door and a little ways down the hall to drug lock-up. She pushed Ray inside and started speaking, her voice gaining in intensity and pitch as she spoke. "How dare you pull me into a room, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing and then scare the patient half to death. It doesn't matter that it's Pratt. You just don't do that." She turned to Archie. "And you. You're the attending. Take control of the situation." She pivoted to walk out but Ray grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

"I'm just trying to make your job a little easier, Dr. Rasgotra. Would you rather evaluate the patient in a clean, controlled environment like the OR, or do you want to have to tie off his carotid in the trauma room. I can guarantee you he's dead if the latter becomes the case." Ray brushed by her and into the hall. "I simply thought you could streamline the process, but if you're unable or unwilling to do so, I'll call your attending." He re-entered the trauma room and asked the circulating nurse to page ENT, maxillary facial and vascular surgeries.

Ray continued his assessment of Greg's condition as Abby returned after being checked. Morris returned a few minutes later. The other surgical teams arrived and, agreeing with Ray's initial assessment, took Greg immediately into surgery. Since he technically had been off-shift since the morning, Ray headed up to wait with Chaz and Bettina, even though knew he needed sleep.

Several hours later, Neela emerged, her head and feet covered in OR blue, a surgical mask dangling in front of her. She turned to Pratt's family. "They're closing now. They repaired the mandible and did full vascular evaluations to evaluate the structural integrity of the vessels. They also finished the primary and secondary evaluations for additional injuries. He seems okay for now. The only complication was they elected to use a tracheotomy for airway management and anesthesia. It was a safer option than attempting oropharyngeal intubation. The hope is to cap the trach soon, probably tomorrow. The anesthesiologist will explain it all to you in more detail. Greg should be in recovery within half an hour and you can see him shortly after that."

They both moved over to thank Neela for relaying the good news and left to call other family members. Ray and Neela were left alone, staring at one another. Ray handed her a fresh cup of coffee.

"Thanks. It was a long one." She took a long drink.

"You didn't scrub?"

"They didn't need me. I just watched. They seem twice as long if you aren't actually doing anything." She stayed in front of him.

He stood up from his chair and she took a step back. "I've been here since last night. I'm going to get some sleep before I have to be back down there in a few hours."

"Are you going all the way home or do you want to go to the surgical call room? It's much nicer than anything down in the ER. I have the code to the attending room, if you want it."

Ray resisted the urge to make an off-color comment about this and instead told her he thought he'd just go home. He was almost to the door before she stopped him.

"Ray!" He turned. "It was a good call. The mandible was millimeters away from lacerating the internal carotid. You probably saved Greg's life."

Ray nodded. "Night, Neela."

She wasn't ready for him to leave. "It wasn't what it looked like, Ray."

He again contemplated saying nothing, but decided he had to. "Really, because it looked like you and Brenner were getting it on in the surgery lounge to me."

She blushed. "Okay, so maybe it was what it looked like, but it was just that I …"

"Neela, you don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm not your boyfriend," he interrupted.

"Yes, I know, Ray. You've made that point perfectly clear. And you're right. I don't have to explain myself to you or anyone else, so if you'll excuse me, I have another patient to see."

He was all in now, and she wasn't getting out of this conversation so easily. "But Brenner? Really?"

Neela stared at him, aghast, "You have absolutely no right to judge me. Not you, not after all the rock groupie trash you paraded in and out of our flat night after night. No right. I was upset about Lucien and Brenner was just there. It just happened. I didn't mean for it to, and I don't have to justify it to you."

Ray looked at his shoes and then back up at her. "I'm not saying that you do, I'm just confused as to what this means."

"How are you confused, Ray?" she tilted her head to one side, her brow furrowed into a frown as she spoke softly. "How in the world could you be confused? You're the one who broke up with me. You're the one who just couldn't wait to get away from me and back to your new idea of love. You're the one who gets to start over and suddenly be "mature" because of this horrible thing that happened to you.

"I wanted to be with you, Ray, I really did. I thought about you, about us every day while we were apart. All the times before, there was always something or someone in the way. At first it was my fault, I admit that. I married Michael, and then I turned to Gates instead of you when he died. And that hurt your feelings as well as your pride. I understand that, Ray. Afterwards, when it seemed like we had a chance, we kept getting our signals crossed or the timing never worked out or whatever it happened to be. Even now, I'm back, you're back; we're supposed to be moving on with our lives – together. But we just can't seem to do it properly."

"And you told me that you were fine with us being apart. You told me to fight for Alyssa. You told me we couldn't work," protested Ray.

"Of course I told you that, what did you expect me to do, beg you to stay? I thought you knew me better than that. I'm not about to ask you to do something that you don't want to do. I'm not going to be anyone's favor. In case you hadn't realized it Ray, I'm quite a catch."

"I do know it, Neela. I just wish you would have told me how you felt instead of giving me a pep talk for demanding a duel with some southerner."

She stepped toward him, the icy look on her face starting to soften some. "It's not just that. I meant what I said about putting my career first. It's the dichotomy of my life, be a doctor or not a doctor, be a surgeon or not a surgeon, be the best surgeon or not the best. The choices are quite clear-cut for me."

"Can't you do both? There's absolutely no way?"

"Maybe, but I'm not willing to fail at either one. So I'm picking this." She pointed over her shoulder to the door to the OR suites, "Because I'm more alive in the OR with the knife in my hand, making life and death decisions than anywhere else on earth. I want that for as long as I can have it. That's something you can't understand, Ray. It's a choice you won't ever have to make."

Ray shook his head. "What does that mean? Because I'm not a surgeon? Because I'm not a woman? You think the lifestyle I've chosen hasn't made relationships and family difficult? There are plenty of female surgeons who have husbands and kids and they do just fine."

"That's my point. I'm not satisfied with fine."

"Well, it gets pretty lonely up there in your ivory tower of perfection, Neela. I hope you're ready for that, too." Ray shook his head again and started to walk away.

"So that's how this ends? You walk away from me and that's it?" Her voice was very small now.

"This has _been_ over Neela. Not only are you lying to me, but you're lying to yourself. When you realize that and need someone, you can call me, but I can't wait for that to happen, just so you know."

"No," she decided. "I'm not expecting you to."


	31. The Grand Facade So Soon Will Burn

A/N: I haven't forgotten about this one. I've simply been inspired in other areas in recent weeks and months. I've been feeling this a little more lately, so hopefully I'll have more here soon. Thanks for continuing to read and review!

* * *

Chapter 31 –_ The Grand Façade So Soon Will Burn_

Ray thought about waiting for them to take Pratt to the PACU but decided to go on home instead. His next shift started in at 11 pm, so he'd just have time to get a shower and maybe something to eat before he had to be back at work. Hopefully it would be a slow night and he'd be able to get some sleep. Blearily, he trudged to the elevator and hit the down button. When the doors parted, he stepped off into the back hallway. The ER was quieter now. Ray had no trouble popping quickly into the lounge to grab his stuff before heading out the door to the ambulance bay. Morris, Abby and several nurses were congregated outside. When they saw Ray, they all turned toward him.

"Have you heard anything?" Morris asked, his eyes tired with worry.

"They haven't called down here?" Ray asked, realizing that Greg was probably still in the OR.

Morris shook his head. "We haven't heard anything and Neela didn't answer her page."

Ray glanced around at the crowd. Anxious eyes peered back at him. "Yeah, I just talked to her. Pratt's gonna be fine. They were done with the procedure and closing when I came down. He may even be in recovery by now. Bettina and Chaz just went to call people. Guess they didn't think about calling down here."

"Oh, thank God," sighed Abby. "Are you okay?" she asked as Ray sagged against the brick wall.

"Yeah, just beat. I'm going home for a while before my shift." He remembered she'd also been injured in the explosion. "Are _you_ okay?"

Abby grinned a little and nodded. "I'm fine and I'm off. Walk you to the train?"

He shrugged. "Sure. Go get your stuff."

She grabbed her bag and jacket from the bench. "Ready," she announced before turning back to Morris. "Keep an eye on Greg until we can see him, okay?"

Archie nodded and they started walking away. As they approached the street, Morris put his arm on Ray's, holding the other man from crossing the street with Abby.

"In there today, I was, you were," he stammered. Ray waited for him to pull his thoughts together. "If we'd gone with my plan, Greg would have died, wouldn't he?"

Ray looked away. "Yeah. That's what the surgeons said."

"So thanks for not letting me kill him." Morris raked a hand through his red hair. "I couldn't live with that, you know?"

"Don't Morris," Ray was shaking his head. "Just don't do this. Greg's gonna be fine. And that's all that matters."

"Yeah," Archie finally agreed. "But thanks."

Ray gave him a nod and started toward Abby, waiting on the other side of the street. "See you in the morning, Archie."

Morris waved as he turned back toward the ambulance bay. Ray grabbed Abby's arm and the two of them headed toward the steps leading up to the platform. Abby found a bench and took a seat as the PA and overhead schedule announced a delay for their trains. When she reached down to pull her phone from her bag, she slyly rubbed her ankle. Ray noticed.

"That's gonna be really sore in the morning, you know?"

Abby nodded. "Luka wanted me to leave earlier, but I knew that as long as I was running on adrenaline, I'd be fine."

"Are you on tomorrow?" he asked.

"Nope. I don't work until Sunday night. What about you?"

"I'm on at 11," yawned Ray as he leaned his head back against the pillar, his eyes threatening to close.

"Tonight? Morris will get someone to cover for you, you know. Especially after today," she added.

"It's okay. As long as the train comes before I have to be back tonight, I'll be fine."

"You're about to fall asleep right here." She opened her phone. "I'm calling Morris and telling him you need the night off."

"I need the shift," Ray protested, setting his hand on hers.

"I'll let you have one of mine," she winked. "You're no good like this. You're working too hard."

"We're all working hard, Abby. We're Residents. It's what we're supposed to be doing." She rolled her eyes. "I'm fine." Ray protested further.

Abby sobered and stared intently at him. "What you did today with Greg, you can't do that if you're exhausted. You're working twice what the rest of us are, and I know it can't be easy on you physically. You've lost so much weight, and you just look miserable, Ray.

"We almost lost Greg today, and we almost lost you once before. Nobody could handle it if something happened to you, okay? You have to think about all of us here, not just you."

Ray rubbed his burning eyes, trying to keep them open. "It's not like that, Abby. It takes more energy, burns more calories to walk. That's all. I need the extra shifts to finish up by January, and if I look miserable, it has nothing to do with work, okay?"

"Oh, Ray," Abby sighed. "What now?"

He almost didn't want to tell Abby. It felt like tattling, but he felt certain Neela would relate the story to her when she got the chance. "She was with Brenner."

"Are you sure?"

"I caught them in the surgeon's lounge. Getting dressed."

Abby groaned. "Well, he does have the accent," she decided after a few seconds of silence. "We're all suckers for the accent."

"Yeah, but hers is almost like his, so really, I'm the one with the accent!"

"I thought you didn't want to be with her."

"I thought she didn't want to be with me. She doesn't want to be with me."

Abby shook her head again. "I'm too tired to try to figure this out now, and so are you. I'm calling Morris now." She dialed the ER and secured coverage for Ray's shift. "They'll see you on Saturday night." She glanced at her watch. "Want to try a cab?"

"Nah, I think I'll just walk. It's not that far, and I haven't been for a run in a couple of days." He started to pick up his stuff. "But I'll ride over to your place with you and walk from there if you want." The started down the steps to the street.

Abby rolled her eyes again. "I'm good. I guess I'll just call Luka. He can pick me up."

"Yeah. Those husbands are good for something, huh?"

"Supposedly. See you later."

Ray waved as they parted ways once they reached the sidewalk. His new place was a few blocks farther than he really wanted to walk, but the warm undertone of the breeze made the twilight comfortable and inviting. As he covered the distance, he wished he was wearing the running feet. He'd have made it home in half the time. It did help that Abby had gotten his shift covered, though. That would give him a day and a half of down time. He wouldn't have asked for it on his own, but he could definitely use it. Plus, he'd have time to check in on Greg.

After what seemed like ages and miles, he arrived at his place. Leaning his head against the door, he inserted his key into the lock. He turned the handle and walked in. His roommate Bruce was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels. As Ray entered the room, the other man looked up.

"So I hear you had a busy day," Bruce started as he settled on a baseball game.

"Yeah," Ray sighed as he nearly fell into an armchair. "It got really crazy. More so than usual."

"I also hear that you saved Morris' ass. And Greg's life."

Ray let his head fall back against the chair. "Greg's gonna be okay."

"Yeah, that's the word on the 5th floor." Bruce paused for a second to glance over at Ray. "Heard something else, too." Ray opened his eyes and swung his head in Bruce's direction. "Surgery's Golden Girl was, um, indisposed in the lounge with the ER Aussie. You know, Anspaugh's nephew."

"Yeah," Ray nodded. "I know." He looked up and more awake than he since he'd come in. "How do you know?"

Bruce shrugged. "Everybody was talking about it. Man, you'd better believe Dubkeno got all pissy after he heard, too."

"Great," Ray mumbled. He'd forgotten about that aspect of their ever-expanding love polygon. He had to go to bed before Bruce dropped any other information on him. "Well," he started, standing from the chair but needing to grab the back of it to keep from falling.

Bruce jumped up and grabbed his arm. "Shit, Ray. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, man. Sorry. I'm just exhausted." It had been a long, strange day.

"Can I help you with anything?" Bruce looked genuinely worried about him.

Ray shook his head. "Thanks, Bruce, but I think I'll make it down the hall." Ray slowly let go of the chair to test his balance. This time he fared much better and started toward the bathroom. He washed up and brushed his teeth before opening the medicine cabinet and pulling out two bottles. He studied the labels carefully and replaced the Percocet before opening the second one and shaking a Vicodin into his hand. Not only would it help dull the ache his walk home had instilled in his lower limbs, it would knock him the rest of the way out as soon as he was in the bed. He could handle that tonight.

As he entered his bedroom, Ray stripped his shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. The light was off, but he thought enough was coming in from the hall. It was annoying to have to see where he was stepping all the time, but he guessed that was less annoying than falling because he couldn't feel the surface he was stepping on. As far as he recalled, the path from the floor to the bed was clear, so he went for it. When he arrived on the bed, he unzipped his pants and let them drop to his knees. Then, he plopped down on the mattress and turned on the bedside light. He grabbed the bottle of water beside his pillow and swallowed the pill. Finally, he slid his pants over his knees and pulled his feet off, leaving them upright on the floor with his pants around the ankles. The first time he'd left them like that, it had reminded him of the way firemen left their pants and boots ready for them to jump into when the alarm sounded. He guessed it was kind of like that for him. If he had to pee in the night, everything was there and ready for him to jump right in to take care of it. Without thinking further about anything, Ray reached over and turned off the lamp. He collapsed back on the bed, pulling his blanket around him. He thought he felt the Vicodin starting to cloud things already. His eyes closed and he let the day melt away.


	32. Could You Walk and Talk at the Same Time

A/N: Thanks so much for your reviews! They make me write and post faster. My editorial staff may complain, but I never will!

* * *

Chapter 32 –_ Could You Walk and Talk at the Same Time?_

At 10:30 the next morning, Ray's phone rang beside him. He rubbed his eyes as he answered it. "What, Bruce?"

"Hey, sorry to wake you up, but I'm about to scrub in on a long case and wanted to make sure you were alive first. Neela's liable to get me thrown out of the program if I let you expire in the apartment," his roommate joked.

"Yeah," Ray laughed. "I doubt that, but I'm fine. I guess I should probably get up, though."

"Well, my leftovers from take-out the other night are in the fridge. The way things are going over here, I probably won't make it home before they go bad, so help yourself," Bruce offered.

"What's going on? Big trauma or something?" Ray pushed his covers to the side and swung around to sit on the side of the bed, thinking maybe he should get over there.

"Nope. Just a bunch of bruised egos and hurt feelings. Man, you guys can screw whomever you want down there, but you gotta keep on the ground floor. We're trying to save lives up here. You try and run the bowel with the scope while Dubenko's pimping you, not about anatomy, but about Neela and Brenner," whispered Bruce. Ray realized was probably in the locker room.

"Wow. I'd have thought he'd be more professional than that," Ray's mind slowly began to recall the events of the previous day. "Besides, I thought Dubenko was leaving."

"Well, he's billing it as one parting professionalism issue on his way out the door. Trying to crack down on sex in the call rooms and whatnot, but you know the ortho guys all caught him down in the whirlpools with that smokin' hot chick he dated at the end of last year. You know, the ER attending who came after Moretti and before Brenner. I think she was even chief for a few days, Wexler maybe?"

"Jesus, Bruce are you guys the surgery department or the 8th grade?"

"Funny, Barnett. It's the ER's fault, anyway. You guys give us such juicy gossip. We're too busy and boring up here to be getting it on at home with our significant others, much less in clandestine locations with co-workers."

"So you're telling me no surgeon and scrub nurse have ever found their way down to one-day surgery waiting after dark?" Ray asked, knowing Bruce had bragged about this a few weeks earlier.

"Right, well, I gotta see a man about a pancreas. See you tonight maybe?"

"Yeah, I'll probably be here. Talk to you later."

"Later, man." Bruce said before severing the connection.

Ray grinned as he put down the phone. Leave it to Bruce to blame it on the ER for the surgeons' gossiping. Well, he and his coworkers did have a tendency to be a little rabbit-like, but whatever. At least it made his roommate's life interesting, even if it was threatening to ruin his.

Ray decided he needed to get moving. He headed into the bathroom and hopped into the shower. It felt good to wash away the grime he'd accumulated over nearly two days in the hospital. When he emerged, a new energy had filled him. He was still a little achy; he knew better than to walk that far when he was tired, especially without proper foot modules to distribute his weight evenly, but he'd live. Back in the bedroom, he tried stretching a little. All he needed was for his ass to freeze up on him for the next three days. He recalled the exercises Darren had recommended for such an occasion. As he was thinking about the other man, he picked up the phone and called him. When he got Darren's voicemail, he left a message and headed into the kitchen to try to find the leftovers Bruce had mentioned.

As Ray sat on the couch, a plate of some kind of delicious chicken reheated from the Styrofoam box in his lap, his ringing phone made him jump, interrupting the rerun of _Las Vegas_ he was watching on TNT. It was Darren returning his call. He felt a smile filling his face as he answered.

"Hey, man. How's it going?"

"All good here. What's up in the big city?"

"Ah, you know, same old same old. But listen, it looks like I'm going to have a few days off over the holiday weekend. Will you be in town?" Ray asked hopefully.

"Yeah. Absolutely. It will be great to see you. Do you have plans yet?" Ray could hear the wheels turning in Darren's head already.

"Not yet, but I'm thinking at least some kind of picnic. My mom will insist on having everyone over, I'm sure."

"And with good reason. Jacy throws a mean party!"

"I'll be sure to tell her."

"She knows it, man. Where do you think I had Easter dinner? Alyssa and Ash, too." When Ray remained silent, he continued to explain. "Didn't she tell you? She had an egg hunt and everything."

"Um, no. I guess she must have forgotten. It's been a little while since we've talked, though." It hurt Ray that his mom had failed to mention this celebration to him. It's not like he could have come, but the fact that he'd been completely left out was a little difficult to swallow.

"Oh, well. I'm sure she didn't want to make you feel bad that you couldn't be there," Darren tried to cover.

"Probably. But listen. I don't have Ash's tee-ball schedule in front of me, but does he have a game that weekend?" Ray asked.

"Yep. On Saturday. Last one of the regular season. It would be great if you could come."

"I'll definitely plan on that. I can leave Thursday afternoon and stay until Tuesday morning the way my schedule's set up now."

"Yeah, that should work out great. You want to go golfing Friday or maybe out on the water? I can be persuaded to take the day off."

Ray smiled again. It would be great to spend time with Darren. "Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I've missed you guys."

"Same here, man. It's been a little odd lately." Darren was choosing his words carefully.

"Yeah. I guess so. She told me about the guy a while back." Ray knew Alyssa's relationship had to be even harder on Darren than it was on him. Darren was forced to see her with someone else everyday; Ray only had to imagine it.

"It's not only that. Jason's been in town. He says he just wants to spend some time with Ash, but Alyssa's afraid that it will be like every other time he's come back into her life – he'll take what he wants and leave. That was bad enough when it was just her or when Ash was a baby, but he's almost six. And he's a smart kid." Darren let the thought trail off.

Ray didn't need to add to this. He knew what Darren feared, but certainly it was an impossibility. "There's no way he could do that. Not if he spends even a day with Ash. How could anyone let that kid down?" he insisted.

"He's not right, Ray. I know that's not a good enough excuse, and there's really no excuse for hurting a kid like that, but Jason doesn't know how to exist in society anymore. He's been completely indoctrinated and desensitized to real life. I mean, we're talking PTSD to the max here if not even more."

This assertion by Darren enraged Ray. "That's bullshit and you know it. Hundreds of thousands of guys have been deployed, even into war zones and they come home to live normal lives. They learn how to deal with what they've seen and done. That's not a good enough explanation."

Darren understood Ray's rage. He'd felt it himself before he'd actually met the man. What he'd encountered in their first meeting had shocked him. Jason Harrison was Ray Barnett's complete opposite. A shorter, more compactly built but nearly perfectly formed physical specimen of a man, his dull and pained expression immediately betrayed the years of continual emotional trauma he'd suffered. On the other hand, although Ray had initially seemed broken, with a body that he didn't know anymore, the fire in his eyes shone brightly. They had all seen it on that first day, even through the frustration and drug-induced stupor and depression. Darren had known that Ray would eventually be okay. Unfortunately, when he first met Jason Harrison, that was not the case. Darren feared what this man might be capable of if his desperation increased.

"I think we need to give this guy a little leeway. He's seriously messed up, Ray."

"Well, then he definitely shouldn't be around Alyssa and Ash." Ray was starting to worry.

"I don't think he's a danger to them or anything, but he does need help. Alyssa was right about that. I think if he'd just try to talk to somebody at the VA it would have to help." Darren tried to reassure Ray, even though he still wasn't sure what Harrison would or could do, especially under extreme duress. There was no need to worry Ray further, though.

"I assume you mean physically, but you know this has to be hard on Alyssa. How many times have you told me how irrational she can be about him? She's never going to see him for what he is because she still cares for him. And unless he hurts Ash, she won't ever be able to. And we can't let him do that."

Darren realized he had distressed the younger man. While he hadn't meant to do that, he needed to get the situation off his chest. "Ray, hey. Stop. I can tell you're getting upset about this. How about you just wait until you get down here and see for yourself? I'm probably just being overprotective." He hoped he could diffuse the situation. It really wasn't fair to Jason for Darren to have already turned Ray against him.

Ray was standing now, pacing back and forth in front of the TV. "I guess so. If you're sure they're okay for now."

"Yeah, yeah. They're fine. I mean, they have Cooper to protect them, right?"

"Oh, hell. I'd almost forgotten about that guy. What's the story with him?"

Darren thought about injecting his two cents but decided against it. "Another one you're going to have to figure out for yourself, my friend."

"Fair enough, I guess. Listen, I'd better let you get back to work. I'll give you a call when I know more details, okay?"

"Sounds good. Catch you later."

"Yeah. Later." Ray hung up the phone. The conversation with Darren worried him. He didn't like the thought of Ash and Alyssa going through such an unsettling time. He needed to go down there and see for himself what was happening. There was nothing he could for either of the as long as he was in Chicago.

He decided to take a run but called Dr. Wilcox's office first. When the secretary put him through to the residency director without a wait, he felt a little silly. Still, he would have felt worse if he'd booked his trip before verifying he'd still have the days off, given the situation with Greg.

"Ray. What can I do for you," asked Wilcox as he came on the phone.

"I just wanted to make sure you didn't need me to work next weekend before I finalized my plans." Ray paused for a second, but added quickly before Wilcox could reply, "But if you need me to work, I'm there."

Wilcox chuckled. "No, Ray. We have it covered. We're down an attending, not a resident, and you're going to Baton Rouge. So book your flight before I book it for you."

"Ok," Ray conceded sheepishly. "I just wanted to be sure."

"You're all set. Have a nice trip and give my best to your mother."

"Yes, sir." Ray answered. He stood in his living room staring at the phone. He guessed he really was going home. Jack had a travel agent that he and Jacy used frequently, and he'd insisted on giving Ray her number. Ray found it in his contacts and pushed send to connect the call. Ten minutes later, he had booked his round trip ticket to Baton Rouge. The agent was emailing the details to his inbox from which could be easily distributed to Darren and his mom.

Having taken care of all of that, he grabbed his gear and headed out for a run. If you'd told him that losing his legs would have made him a runner, he'd have called you crazy, seemingly with good reason. Now, he found it was the best way for him to clear his head. It also helped remind him that he could do pretty much anything he wanted to. He loved seeing people's faces when he ran past him. Sometimes he still couldn't believe it himself. And now, Darren was trying to get Ray to start training for marathons with him. That'd be a sight. One leg between the two of them, running over 26 miles. But, seeing as everything else that Darren had told him was possible had actually come to pass, he was starting to trust that the guy knew what he was talking about. That's what scared him so much with the Alyssa situation. Darren was as intuitive as anyone he'd ever met and definitely more than Alyssa in this matter. If he said something was fishy with Jason or even with Cooper, Ray was inclined to believe him. What Ray didn't know was what _he_ could do about it once he got back to her. If Darren hadn't solved the situation yet, how could he possibly swoop in and remedy it in three days?

He started into his run but altered his usual route to swing by the hospital with the intention of checking in on Greg. When he arrived on the surgical floor, he was directed to Pratt's room by a nurse. He thought she must have been a trainee, either that or they were getting younger every year. Greg was alone and awake when Ray stepped into the room. The other man's eyes instantly widened. Greg picked up the pen and paper in his lap and began scribbling. He held the pad up to Ray.

"Thank you," it read.

"You're okay?" Ray asked.

Pratt nodded and pointed to the piece of paper again. Ray tried to shrug him off, but Greg grabbed for Ray's arm and tugged on his sleeve. He placed the sheet in Ray's hand and nodded again at him.

"It just made sense to me to check out your carotids before we moved your jaw around." The look in Greg's eyes unsettled Ray. He needed to get out of there. As ridiculous as it sounded, hospital rooms had a tendency to make him sick now. He could deal with the ER and the procedure rooms; even the ICU cubicles were ok. But honest to God rooms with beds and drawers and flowers and cards were too much too soon. As the walls appeared to be closing in on him, his breathing quickened. He wiped his sweating brow as he made his move. "I'm going to let you get your rest, and I'll see you later, okay?"

Pratt nodded understandingly and wrote again on the paper. "I know you have to go."

Ray shook his head. "I'm sorry, man. I thought I could, but I just can't right now. You text me if you need anything, okay."

Pratt nodded again and pulled Ray into a quick embrace. Then he let the other man go. In the hallway, Ray slumped against the wall and worked to slow his breathing and pulse rate. It was in that position where Abby and Neela found him. Neela whispered a small hello before entering Greg's room. Abby stopped and placed her hand on his arm.

"You gonna be okay?" After the ordeal leading to Joe's premature birth and Abby's emergency surgery, she'd initially felt overwhelmed and vulnerable in the hospital, as though a turn as a patient gave you a whole new perspective and fear of the place you never got as a physician.

Ray nodded. "I'm just gonna go."

"You need me to tell him anything."

Shaking his head, Ray straightened up. "No. He understood before I said anything."

"Okay. Get some air. That helps," she winked. She squeezed his arm briefly before turning from him and entering the room.

Ray finished collecting himself and found his way to the street, choosing the main entrance over the ER. Once he hit the sidewalk and the sun flooded over him, he mellowed considerably. It was a decided disadvantage for the hospital to sicken the doctor, but Ray knew he couldn't push it. That was actually something that Dr. Gault had anticipated and discussed with him. Damned if that guy didn't get one right every once in a while. Ray started toward the waterfront when his phone rang again. He looked at the screen. This time he didn't try to hide his smile.

"Well, well, well. Is this a house call?" He didn't know where this sudden levity came from. Yes he did. It was from her. Suddenly, he started to dread the trip.

"Nope," she chirped brightly, "It's a phone call." His smile grew, if that was even possible. "A little bird told me you were comin' down our way next week," she drawled, adding considerably to the southern accent in her everyday speech.

"You've been correctly informed," he confirmed. "I'm getting in late Thursday afternoon. I haven't talked to my mom yet, but I'm thinking she'll definitely want to have you guys over at some point. Is there a day that would fit in your schedule?"

Alyssa sucked in air on her side of the phone. Apparently she hadn't considered the logistics of all of this. "Well," she started, "Ash has his game on Saturday morning, and Cooper is having a picnic on Monday, so I guess Thursday, Saturday night or Sunday will work best."

"How about Saturday?" Ray decided. "We can do it after Ash's game, and if he wants to invite some friends over to swim or whatever, he can do that. If that's okay with you," he added quickly.

"Yeah. That sounds great. I'm sure he'll love that." She paused. "I'm sure he'll love seeing you, Ray. He talks about you all the time."

"I'm sorry I haven't been the greatest about keeping in touch. You know how it gets. I had to do a couple of ICU months and I've been doubling up shifts to try to make up a few months of the nine I missed," Ray explained.

"I understand, but I'm not five and three-quarters."

"Yeah," he whispered. "I know."

"But listen, just come down here and spend some time with your friends and family and not think about whatever is going on up there for a while. We'll do our best to make you forget all about Chicago for as long as you're here with us."

"You know what, Alyssa," Ray decided, "That sounds like a marvelous idea."


	33. Since I Set My Suitcase Down

Chapter 33 – _I Been In Trouble Since I Set My Suitcase Down_

Ray wasn't exactly sure who would be meeting him at the airport. Darren had simply said that he "had it covered." Ray pulled his carry-on from the overhead compartment and threw his laptop bag across his chest as he waited for the passengers in front of him to start moving. He pulled out his phone and turned it on. He found three voicemails and six text messages in his inbox. As he waited for traffic to clear in the aisle, he glanced through them. Voice from his mom, Abby and Morris. Texts from Pratt, Darren, Bruce and Morris. Ray rolled his eyes as he decided to read the one from Darren, asking if he had checked luggage. He replied that he'd meet Darren at the conveyer belt as he followed the flow of people into the terminal and down to the exit near baggage claim. As he waited for the bags to arrive, he looked around for a second before glancing down at his phone to see if Darren had answered.

Suddenly, something hit him from behind and wrapped around his waist. He dropped the handle of his carry-on roller and grabbed for the nearest pillar to try to keep his balance. But before he could fall or even teeter, the sturdy hands that had held him up that first day in the gym almost exactly a year before were there, making sure he kept his footing and remained upright.

"What the?" Ray started as the weight around his waist released and he saw Ash jumping and dancing around him and Darren.

"Hi, Ray!" Ash beamed as he rushed at the man again. This time Ray braced himself for the impact.

"Hey, Ash." Ray set his hand on the boy's head, now about even with his waist. "What are you doing here and when did you get so tall?"

Ash took a step back and looked up at Ray. "Darren picked me up from school early. Mom said I could come."

"Did she?" mused Ray as they collected his things from the floor.

"Yeah. Darren said you'd be happy to see me, too."

Ray finally looked over at the large man who had just helped him save face in front of hundreds of strangers. "Hey, man. Thanks for that. How's it going?" He reached his hand out to Darren.

The therapist pulled his former patient into a big hug. "Things are good, my friend. Very good, and we're glad to see you." Ash nodded excitedly.

"Really? Cause your welcome's kind of weak," Ray grinned sarcastically. Ash looked over at Darren, not sure what to say. Then, almost as if on cue, the two of them rolled their eyes and started laughing.

"When did he learn that?" Ray asked, suddenly confused by this kid. "How does he know about sarcasm and rolling his eyes?"

"I am in kindergarten, you know," Ash pointed out. Then he looked back at Darren, his head wagging. "Geez."

"Hey, let's get Ray's stuff and get out of here, okay?" Darren directed the other two to the baggage claim area where assorted luggage was now circling. Ray grabbed his bags as they came around and Darren took the largest one from him. Ash grabbed the handle of the rolling carry-on and the three of them moved through the terminal and into the parking area.

Ash kept close to Darren's side as they crossed the lot to the car where they stowed the luggage in the trunk. Ash hopped into his booster seat in the back and Ray slid into the front. Darren started the car and they were off.

Ray wasted no time in getting down to things with Ash. He could talk to Darren later.

"So, Ash," he asked, turning around in his seat so he could look at the boy, "How's it going? What have you been up to since I've been in Chicago."

"Well," Ash thought, "I play tee-ball. My team is red and we have a game on Saturday."

"Yeah?" Ray asked, amused. "Is that fun?"

"Yeah, most of the time. I like to hit the ball and run better than the field. It's kinda boring." Ash paused then started again. "But Darren is one of the coaches, and we have a lot of fun in practice and we learn stuff like where to throw the ball and how to hit it really far."

"That sounds like a good time. How's your mom?" Ray started innocently enough.

"She's good. She's got a boyfriend now. His name is Cooper. He's not as tall as you or Darren."

"Oh yeah?" Ray answered but kept going, ignoring Darren's sideways glare from the driver's seat. "Your mom told me about him. She said you guys get along pretty good."

Ash clouded a little, as though he were guarding a secret. "Yeah, he's okay, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well," Ash concentrated as though he was working to remember something, "Sometimes he tries too hard," he finished.

Ray's face squinted into a frown and he turned toward Darren whose eyes were firmly fixed on the road ahead. "Where'd you hear that, Ash?"

"Darren."

Ray realized he wasn't alone here and turned the conversation back to Ash. "But you like hanging out with him, don't you?"

Ash nodded. "Yeah. He's nice and he has a boat and I have my own fishing pole. And sometimes we play in the park or go to the zoo." His face lightened as he recalled the fun he had with Cooper. "And there's gonna be fireworks at his picnic."

"Well, that all sounds really good. I think if somebody did all that stuff with me, I'd want to be their friend," Ray led.

Ash hedged. "I guess, but you're my friend, Ray."

"It's okay to have more than one friend, Ash. I mean, don't you have lots of friends at school and in tee-ball?" Ash nodded. "It's okay for you and Cooper and you and me to be friends." Ray decided not to delve into the situation with Ash's father as Darren's dark eyes bored into him.

But Ash brought it up on his own. "Did you know my dad is here, too?"

"Darren told me that the other day. Do you get to see him?" Ray tried to keep it simple.

The boy nodded. "Sometimes. One day he picked me up from school and we went to the park to play." Ash dropped his head and fidgeted in his seat.

"Was that fun?" Ray pressed.

Ash shrugged. "I guess."

"Ash," Ray started, "I know that the park is your favorite place. Every time I've ever seen you there, you were having so much fun. Did something happen there?"

Ash looked over at Darren, who was now staring back in the rearview mirror and then back at Ray. "I didn't want to do the monkey bars because I fell there. He yelled at me and said I wasn't brave and that I wouldn't be a good soldier."

Darren swerved, almost taking them off the road.

"You got this?" Ray asked tersely.

"I'm fine. Just watch it," he whispered.

Ray turned back to Ash. "Wow. That must have made you feel sad." Ash looked around the car briefly and shrugged before settling his eyes on the passing landscape. Ray continued. "You know, Ash, your dad has been a soldier for a really long time. And he hasn't spent a lot of time with you since you were a baby. It's probably really different for him to talk to you now, especially since you've grown up so much."

Ash turned back to look at Ray. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Ray encouraged. You're not a little kid anymore, but you're not a soldier, either."

"But he said I wasn't brave because I was afraid I'd fall again."

Ray sighed. "It's scary when you have to go back to a place you got hurt. You remember when I came here last year from Chicago after I got hurt, right? Well, when I had to back, I was really scared."

Ash's eyes widened. "You were scared?"

Ray nodded. "I didn't think I'd get hit by another car, but I was afraid about going back to my job and my friends after I'd been in the accident. I was afraid they'd treat me different or that I wouldn't be able to do my job. But you know what, I got there and it wasn't the same as before, but it was okay. I just got used to it again.

"Everybody gets scared, but I think it might be different for soldiers. Even though there are times when they're probably afraid, they have to try really hard not to show it because it's so important for them to be calm all the time. And that's fine if you're a soldier. But not everyone can do that. Does that make sense?" Ray asked, looking back at Ash and then over at Darren.

Ash nodded a little as Darren looked back at him. "It's okay to be scared sometimes, Ash. Sometimes it's the smart thing to do, to say no when people want you to do something you know you shouldn't or you think might be dangerous or get you in trouble."

Ash nodded again. "I know, Darren."

"Okay. Just making sure," the therapist confirmed as he pulled the car into the HealthSouth parking lot.

"Ray?" Ash asked before they started unloading the car, "Are you coming to my game?"

Ray opened his door and came around the back to release Ash's belt. "Yeah, of course, and I think you guys are coming to my house afterward for a party. Does that sound good to you?"

"Yes!" Ash pumped his fist. "Can we go swimming?"

"That's the plan," affirmed Ray. "Why don't you go see if you can find your mom," he decided as he backed out of the car, allowing Ash to slip out beneath him.

"No need," he heard the new voice behind him. "She's already here."

He turned to find Alyssa standing on the blacktop. Her hair was loose and curly like it had been on the day of Ash's party. She had pulled it back in a dark blue scarf that matched the navy piping trimming her white sundress. Her hand was up at her eyes, shielding them from the sunlight behind Ray. He had to remind himself to breathe.

"Hi." he finally managed.

"Welcome home, Ray," she beamed, walking up to the car. "You look good. Great actually."

"God, so do you." He reached out and touched a lock of hair, his fingers lightly brushing her face. "Your hair," he whispered, then noticed how incredibly intimate this moment had become. "It's so pretty." He tried to step back but the car stopped him.

She ducked her head slightly and took his hand in hers. "Thank you." She squeezed it quickly before directing it down to his side and away from her face. "You guys gonna come in?" she asked, trying to regain her composure by glancing over at Darren.

"We'll be there in a minute," he assured her. She nodded and skipped across the lot to meet up with Ash at the front door. "You two had better dial it down a notch," Darren warned turning back to Ray who was still hanging onto the car's frame for dear life.

"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind," he said, still not quite ready to move.

"Get it together. We have to go in here for a minute."

"Yeah, okay. I'm coming." Ray closed the car door and started moving toward Darren. Together they walked through the front doors and toward the gym where Darren needed to tie up a few things before his long weekend. They'd been there less than ten minutes when Ash and Alyssa came through the door along with another man who had to be Cooper Williams. Ray couldn't believe he was going to have to do this right now.

As Alyssa introduced Ray to the other man, Williams put his left arm protectively and possessively around her waist. When she had finished, Cooper reached his right hand out toward Ray.

"Heard a lot about you, Ray," he smiled, a little too brightly. "Good to finally meet you." He turned to shake Darren's hand as well. "Good to see you too, big guy. How are things?" Darren mumbled something incomprehensible as Cooper moved his attention back to Alyssa. "Hate to run off from you boys, but I was hoping to get the doctor moving. Big fundraiser tonight downtown, and if she leaves now she'll have time to change and do something with her hair. Looks like you all started casual Friday a little early this week," he winked at Ray as Alyssa blushed deeply, putting her left hand to the loose waves of her pulled back but loose hair.

"Ash's game is at 11 on Saturday morning, Ray," Alyssa quickly inserted. "Darren knows all the details, of course. Does your mother need us to bring anything for the picnic?"

Ray ignored the fleeting look of annoyance on Cooper's face and stared directly into Alyssa's eyes, trying to lift them with a little smirk in his own. "I think we'll be all set, but I'll give you a call if I think of anything."

"Sure, that's fine," she nodded back, her thanks evident in her own expression. "We'd better get going, though. I need to drop Ash off at the babysitter's."

Suddenly and without really thinking, Ray spoke up. "He can stay with me at my mom's. That way you won't have to make an extra trip."

"It might be late, Ray. These campaign things can last until almost midnight. Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It's fine. I think he might even have a toothbrush at the house. Mom likes to put peoples' names on toothbrushes. We'll be fine, won't we, Buddy?" Ray turned to Ash who was jumping up and down once again.

"Can I, Mom?" he pleaded.

"Well, it would be a help. I guess it's okay. He doesn't even need a bath or anything," Alyssa mused aloud.

"Great! It's settled," Ray clasped his hands together in a gesture of finality. "You can pick him up when you're done or if it's too late, you can get him in the morning."

Alyssa's eyes widened slightly as Cooper jumped into the conversation. "That's a really generous offer there, Ray. And I'm sure Ash would love a school night sleepover."

"We'll just have to see how late it is," Alyssa finally added. "I'll call to check on him later." She turned to Ash. "Do you want to stay with Ray at Jacy's?"

Ash bobbed his head excitedly. "Yeah. Can I swim?"

Ray nodded. "Sure. Darren can run us by your house and we'll pick up some of your stuff." He looked up at Alyssa. "If that's okay."

"Fine. Darren knows where the spare key is hidden."

"Great. Have fun," he grinned in this small victory as he allowed his attention to drift back to Cooper. This time Ray initiated the gesture, sticking his right hand in the man's space in an indication that the encounter had ended. "It was nice to meet you Cooper. I hope you can join us on Saturday evening," he lied on both accounts.

Cooper showed his brilliant teeth briefly, "I'll have to get back to you on that one, Ray, but we'd better get going. Thanks again for helping out here with Ash."

"Ah, it's my pleasure."

Cooper looked as though he couldn't bear to let Ray have the last word, but he and Alyssa really did need to go. He nodded in concession to Ray and then Darren before directing Alyssa toward the door.

Over Ash's head, Darren shot Ray a warning look, but the other man couldn't bring himself to stop smiling. Ash tugged on Ray's shirt as he realized he'd left his backpack in Alyssa's office. Ray sent him on ahead to get it before she had gone as he turned to Darren.

"Is this guy for real?"

Darren shrugged but nodded slowly. "I guess he must be."

"Has he never heard of a complete sentence?" Ray started, "And what's this campaign?"

"He's running for Congress. Alyssa and Ash are a convenient bonus for that as well."

"Jesus," Ray whispered. "What a dick." It didn't escape him that this was the second time in recent weeks he'd made this determination about another guy. Maybe it was just him and his own possessive nature. But then he looked at Darren, still visibly steaming from the whole scene and Ray realized his reaction had been right on track with Darren's. "I see why you wouldn't say anything earlier."

Darren shrugged again. "I didn't think I could adequately put it into words."

"I'm not sure there are words for it," Ray conceded.

"I think you came up with a pretty fitting one just a minute ago," Darren sighed with a sad shake of his head. "You need to fix this," he finished as he walked back into his office, leaving a confused and speechless Ray alone in the gym.


	34. I Just Keep Chasing Pavements

A/N: As always, I thank you, the reader, for sticking with me on this journey. I thank you, the reviewer, for letting me know that you're still there.

Disclaimer can be found in chapter 1 and applies to this one as well.

* * *

Chapter 34 – _I Just Keep Chasing Pavements_

Once he had a chance to process what Darren had just said, Ray found himself following the other man into the office.

"Wait a minute," he protested. "Not 15 minutes ago you're telling me to 'dial it down a notch' and now I'm supposed to 'fix this.' How the hell do you suggest I do both?"

Darren shrugged. "I don't know, but I can't seem to get rid of him. If anyone can, I'm guessing it'll be you."

"Good plan, Darren. It's so well thought out."

"You want her to end up with him?" Darren warned.

"They've been dating a couple of months. I don't think we have to worry about that yet." Ray paused. "Do we?"

"He needs a nice little Congressman-worthy family. Can you think of a better one?"

Ray ran his hand through his hair and then wiped it over his face. "No."

"So you're starting to catch my drift?" Darren pressed.

"Yeah. I am," Ray nodded. "Do you have an actual plan or am I just supposed to wing it?"

"I didn't think it should be too orchestrated or forced, otherwise she might catch on."

"And I'm just supposed to come down here and convince her she needs to be with me instead of this other guy?" Ray asked.

Darren looked up from his desk at Ray, a perplexed look crossing his face, "Well, isn't that why you came?"

Ray rolled his eyes, not wanting to think about what Darren was asking. "I'm gonna go find Ash. Meet us out front." He turned and walked out of the office before Darren could answer. When he got to the front door of the building, Ash was standing in the foyer with yet another man. "Good God," Ray mumbled as he walked up to the pair. He might as well get this out of the way, too. "Hey, Ash. Did you get your bag?" he asked as he continued his approach.

Ash nodded and looked at the short muscular man before answering. "It was in the office," he confirmed as he held it up for Ray to see.

"Jason?" Ray asked, almost certain of who the man had to be.

"Yeah," he verified as he took a step toward Ray. "You must be Ray," he smiled genuinely as he extended his hand. "Ash has told me a lot about you. Thanks for helping him out at his birthday party."

Ray took Jason's hand in his and shook. He already had a better feeling about this guy than he'd gotten with Cooper. "We're just waiting for Darren to finish up in the office, and then we're gonna swing by Ash's to pick up some of his stuff before we head over to my place for dinner and swimming and whatever until Alyssa and Cooper get back. You're welcome to join us if you don't have other plans."

Jason blinked a couple of times, as though this offer to spend time with his son surprised him. Ray immediately wondered if he had the authority to allow Jason to come with them. He hadn't even thought about possible custody agreements, as anything Ray had ever heard about the guy was that he'd just wasn't around.

"Thanks for the offer, Ray, but I don't want to impose. Plus I should probably run it by Liss first. She's been really good about letting me have time with Ash, and I don't want to overstep my bounds."

Ray nodded understandingly. Either this guy deserved an Oscar or Darren had him all wrong. "No, man, I totally get it. As soon as I said something, I thought about that. Sorry."

"It's not a problem. I'm just happy to get to spend some time with this guy." He placed a strong hand on Ash's sandy head, lightly rumpling his hair. He started to say something else, but suddenly withdrew his hand and took a step back from his son. Ray turned to see Darren coming up the hall toward them.

"Jason," Darren nodded curtly before turning to Ray. "You ready to go?"

"Sure. You and Ash go ahead. I'll catch up with you in a second." Ray wanted another minute with Jason Harrison.

"Okay," Darren conceded as he directed Ash toward the door. "See you around, Harrison," he quipped without looking back at Jason.

Once they were out the door, Ray turned back to Jason. "Wow. He really doesn't like you."

"Tell me about it. I guess I should have expected it, but yeah. He's been pretty cold," nodded Jason. "And I don't blame him. I know he's close with Alyssa and Ash, and he's been here when I couldn't. I'd be pissed off about it, too, if the roles were reversed.

"Listen, Ray, I know I haven't had my shit together for years, and I'm nowhere close now even, but I'm trying. I've been talking to the people at the VA, and I think it's helping. I'm on the waiting list for the PTSD inpatient program in Tuscaloosa. I want to get better. I want to have a place in Ash's life. And I don't know what Darren thinks, but I'm not here to try to win Alyssa back or anything like that. I've hurt her so many times. I'm not looking to get into that again, for either of us. I just want to get to know my son and try to be a part of his future."

Ray wasn't sure why Jason had chosen him to open up to. "I don't understand why you're telling me all of this. I'm just here for the weekend."

"You're the first person who's said anything that's even close to supportive since I've been here. I know they've all heard Alyssa's side of the story, and she's not exaggerating. I did all those things. And even though I think I'm starting to move in the right direction, I'm not there yet. I yelled at Ash the other day," Jason sighed and pulled a shaking hand over his head, scratching at his close-cropped dark hair. "Any little thing just sets it off. A waitress dropped a plate at this diner the other day and I was under the table." He shook his head. "The trazadone helps me sleep sometimes, but," Jason's thought trailed off and he looked up at Ray. "I'm sorry to lay all this on you, but it just seemed like you'd understand, somehow. But I don't want to keep you guys." He moved toward the door and Ray followed. They pushed through into the sunlit breeze.

"Are you coming to the game on Saturday?" Ray asked as he stepped off the sidewalk and onto the blacktop.

Jason smiled sadly and nodded, "I wouldn't miss that for anything."

"Great. I'll see you then, if not before. Okay?"

Jason nodded again and offered Ray his hand. The two men shook before parting ways. Ray moved toward the car, taking his place in the front seat as Jason waited on the sidewalk for them to drive by. He waved to Ash who lifted a tiny hand to his father while watching Ray in the front seat, clearly conflicted.

Darren pulled the car onto the road and headed in the direction of Alyssa and Ash's place. He kept his eyes straight ahead as he addressed Ray. "So what was that all about?"

"I'm not really sure, but can we talk about it later?"

Darren shrugged noncommittally and they drove the rest of the way to the Alyssa's in silence. When they pulled into the parking space in front of the complex, Ash wriggled out of the booster seat before Ray had the chance to liberate him. He ran up to the door and hopped around on the stoop as he waited for the two men to arrive. Darren pulled the spare key from a plastic rock in the flowerbed and opened the door. Ash rushed inside and up the stairs to his room as Darren yelled instructions to his disappearing form. Then, he turned to Ray.

"So Jason," he opened.

"I think he just needed somebody to talk to, somebody he thought might possibly be able to see his side of things."

Darren shot a skeptical glance at Ray. "You want to see his side of things?"

"Hey, come on. He said he's been going to the VA and is trying to get into a residential PTSD program. That's what he said at least."

"And I'm saying that I'm running for King of England. You gonna believe that, too?"

Ray gave Darren a pleading look. "You're the one who said we needed to give the guy a little leeway. How long has he been in town, anyway?"

Darren shrugged. "I don't know, six weeks. Two months maybe."

"And have you talked to him for more than three seconds in that time. Have you?" Ray pushed.

"I guess not," Darren gave in.

"He said he's here to spend time with Ash and that's all. He's not here for her."

"Right," Darren rolled his eyes. "And neither are you."

Before Ray could answer, Ash descended the steps with a different Spiderman backpack on his back, a pair of swim trunks on his head and a Batman towel wrapped around his neck like a cape. He opened his bag to show them his _Star Wars_ DVDs, a light saber and two flashlights.

"_Star Wars_? What about _Cars_ or _Nemo_?"

Ash looked at him as though Ray had offered to change his diaper. "Ray, everybody watches _Star Wars_. Taylor has Lego _Star Wars_ on his Wii. We played it at his birthday party."

"Oh, okay," Ray muttered.

Ash handed him a flashlight. "I only got one light saber, so you have to use a flashlight," he explained to Ray. "But my birthday's in June."

"I'll keep that in mind," Ray nodded.

"You're gonna be Obi Kenobi," Ash explained as he handed out parts along with the flashlights.

"Who are you?" Ray asked, thinking of the Alec Guinness incarnation of the character.

"Anakin Skywalker. He's the best pilot." Ash revealed as though it should have been common knowledge.

Ray turned to Darren, who was still obviously peeved with their previous conversation. He tried a joke. "So who does that make you? Lando Calrissian?"

Even Darren couldn't help but laugh at that. "Very funny, but we haven't made it past the Clone Wars yet. I'm usually General Grievous," he clarified as accepted his flashlight from Ash.

Ray shrugged again, still smiling. "You could be Mace Windu."

"Thanks for pointing that out as well, Ray."

"I'm just saying that if you want to be a Jedi instead of an evil droid commander there are options. 'Cause I don't think you can pull off Yoda."

"Whatever. You're more of a droid than I am," Darren shot back.

"True," Ray agreed easily. Darren had a point there, "But I just seem to exude protagonist hero. Even Ash can see that. Right, Buddy?" Ray grinned, turning to Ash.

"I don't even know what you're talking about, Ray," Ash shook his head, a thoroughly confused look on his face. "I need some clothes for school. They're in the laundry room and I can't reach the light." He turned and walked down the hall to the kitchen.

Darren pushed Ray playfully, letting him know that they were okay, and followed Ash to the laundry room. Ash trailed behind, watching the other two interact. He knew it had to be awfully hard for Darren, watching this parade of men, including Ray himself, traipsing through the life they had so carefully built and maintained. Darren was an integral part of what Alyssa and Ash had here, and Ray wasn't exactly sure where he fit in. He wasn't sure where he was supposed to fit or even_ if_ he was.

It had been his hope that this trip would start to clear things up for him, so he'd be able to start making choices about his future. But then he'd come home, or to what he thought was home, to Alyssa with Cooper the asshole, Jason the broken and Darren the sulky. All this picture needed was Ray the conflicted, and he certainly was that.


	35. Everyone Ends Up Alone

A/N: Things have slowed down a bit on the writing front as I've gotten busy with school again. So I've finally gotten a little time to finish editing this to get it out. Hopefully everyone enjoyed the exit from County that the writers gave Neela. I have to admit I'm a little dense. I didn't realize what was going on until she was on the phone with Abby. Still, I think most of the readers on this site must be tickled pink.

* * *

Chapter 35 – _Everyone Ends Up Alone_

Jacy insisted on going with Ray to Ash's game two days later. Apparently, the little group had become a family in Ray's absence. Jacy needed someone to mother, and Darren, Alyssa and Ash needed someone to (grand)mother them. Jack was in Nashville with his grandchildren until Monday, so Jacy insisted upon driving with Ray to the ball field. When they arrived, she quickly left him trailing behind as she found a place on the bleachers and began talking with the other moms and grandmas. Obviously she'd done this before. Ray trailed behind a little, not completely sure where he should go. If Cooper was with Alyssa, he guessed he should probably steer clear of that to avoid hitting the guy. Darren was a coach, so he'd be in the dugout with the team. Ray figured he could go sit with his mom, but that would be awkward and he'd feel out of place with all those ladies. As he stood contemplating where he should go, someone called his name from the fence along the first base side. It was Jason. He waved, motioning Ray to come over and stand with him.

"Hey," the shorter man grinned as Ray approached. "It's kind of confusing the first time. The men usually stand up here by the fence. If that's okay," he added quickly.

Ray shrugged. "Sure. That's fine. I'm pretty tall, though."

"If they can't see, they'll yell. Believe me, they'll yell."

Ray laughed and Jason directed his attention toward the field, pointing out each kid and identifying parents somewhere around the ballpark that went with them. Ash took his place on the pitcher's mound as his team took the field first. They both cheered as the first two batters hit balls toward him. He easily fielded them and made the toss over to first, recording the first two outs.

"This is a lot more organized than I thought it would be," Ray admitted, quite amazed at the level of skill Ash was showing.

"Oh, just wait. I've been to all the games but one and that's about the first outs I've seen the whole time. They have a seven-batter rule, so it's usually just a bunch of kids running around on the bases. Most of the time they go the right direction now." Jason's eyes were shining as he watched his son run around on the field. "He is getting pretty good, though. He always wants to throw the ball around now. Thankfully, he got some athletic ability from me rather than Alyssa. She's pretty for a reason."

Ray found himself smiling, too. He could imagine her shooting baskets, that one strand of hair frustrating her like always with the way it perpetually fell across her face as she attempted a shot. "Yeah, I guess so," he whispered, trying to turn his attention back to the game.

By this time, there were base runners now on first and third. Two others had already scored. Ray counted, and the girl at the plate represented the seventh batter. She hit a ball that squeaked under the second baseman's glove and into the right field grass. The umpire allowed each runner two bases as the right fielder threw in the direction of the cut-off man. Ray had to hand it to these coaches; they did seem to be covering the basics. As the teams switched places, Ray turned toward the bleachers. His mom was sitting with Alyssa. Cooper was nowhere to be seen. He turned back to Jason.

"Does the Senator attend these things?" he asked.

"Only when he's trying to troll for votes. I think this is out of his district, though. He hasn't been around for the past few weeks. I guess he must have other events he has to attend on the weekends," shrugged Jason. "Are you thinking about thinking about making a run?"

"For congress?"

Jason glared at him. "No. Not for congress."

"Oh. Oh!" Ray finally caught on. "I'm not here to cause problems for anyone. Apparently I needed a vacation. That's it."

Jason nodded, obviously not buying it just like everyone else. "I've been thinking about it anyway, and if somebody else has to end up with my family, I'd rather it be you than him."

"Jason," Ray started, "I don't think you know enough about me or that what you're talking about could or would ever be a possibility."

"Come on," Jason insisted, "We all know this guy is more of a loser than me, just in a different way."

"Well, yeah, but you've talked to me twice."

"And you've talked to him what, once? That was enough to know you didn't want them anywhere near him," Harrison pointed out.

_Touché_, though Ray. "I guess you have a point, but I'm not going to make a move for her." He didn't need another Chicago situation.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm just saying, when this ends, and it will end, most likely in a bad way for her, can you be there for her? Would you do that? I mean I understand if you have something else going on, but I think we'd all feel better if she had you around," he finished.

"What about Darren?" Ray inquired quietly.

Jason shook his head. "She won't ever love him. He's so much a part of her life that she doesn't even notice him anymore. He's too familiar, and she's figured him out. She needs a challenge, an enigma to solve. That was me. That's you now. You can keep her guessing without hurting her." He nodded then, somehow convinced this had to be true.

Ray glanced back to the field. The teams were switching again. They had missed Ash's first at bat. "This is a little heavy for the tee-ball field, don't you think. Maybe we should watch the game and talk about this later, if it's really that important."

"Sure," Jason agreed, "But we will because it is."

They decided to join the women on the bleachers for the rest of the game. Alyssa patted the seat beside her for Ray to sit beside her. Jason took an empty place beside Ray.

"So when did you guys become best friends," Alyssa smiled as they settled in.

"The other day when Ash stayed over, Jason stopped by your office. We ended up talking a little then and through most of the first inning." Ray grinned happily. "We're practically BFF's now," he laughed, employing the term he'd made fun of Greg for using a few months earlier.

She leaned forward and looked past Ray to Jason, the smile still on her face. "You sure that's a good idea? Hanging out with this guy?" She pointed back to Ray.

Jason allowed himself a little smile. "He doesn't seem too bad. I've associated with worse."

She leaned back, her arm brushing against Ray's knee as she did so. He closed his eyes as that electricity shot through him again. She'd touched him hundreds if not thousands of time, still each time he felt it so intensely.

"Ash is doing well. He got a good double his last at-bat. I know you guys weren't watching, but he didn't drop his back shoulder. It was a solid line drive over the shortstop," she relayed to the men.

"Good. I'm glad Darren doesn't let them do that pop swing thing. Hitting home runs in tee-ball means very little, especially if it screws up your swing when they start pitching next year," explained Jason. "These guys are doing a good job with the kids," he added.

"I was just thinking that, too," injected Ray. "The right fielder threw toward the correct cutoff man in the top of the first. That's pretty impressive.

"That was probably just a fluke," laughed Jason. "I doubt you'll see that again."

"Well, I was impressed."

Alyssa pulled at her hair, flipping it back into an untied ponytail. She pulled an elastic from her wrist and wrapped it around the wavy curls. "It's getting hot already and it's barely 11:30. I'm going to wilt."

"I thought you were a hard-core southerner," joked Ray.

Alyssa started to answer but Jason jumped in before she had the chance. "Don't let her fool you. She's fine with the heat as long as she's sitting in a swimming pool. If she has to be out in it, though, she's a freaking mess." He glanced over at her, smiling at something he was recalling. "Remember when you used to wear all that makeup when you started working at the golf course? You'd look like a tiger by lunchtime, black and tan all streaked on your face." He looked over at Ray now. "It took me almost two months to convince her she didn't need it. Those old men thought she was hot enough without it. Her tips never suffered," winked Jason.

"Shut up." Now she turned to Ray. "He wore AC Slater cargo pants until 11th grade. I swear." Jason tried to protest but she wouldn't let him get a word in. "They had rolled, tapered cuffs. It was obscene, and frankly I was embarrassed to be seen with him."

"But you were. Seen with me, that is." Jason clarified.

Ray looked back and forth between the two of them. He didn't have this type of relationship with anyone. They shared so much history; he couldn't believe that there wasn't any possibility of a future for them. Especially with Ash as the glue. But no, that wasn't fair, to put that little boy in the middle of whatever his parents did or didn't have. And now Jason was asking him to step into the picture as well. And they hadn't even gotten to Cooper yet. Ray knew Jason's prediction about the coming end of the relationship would prove true, though. Cooper would leave them, and Alyssa might be devastated again.

But Ray couldn't think about that now. He couldn't think about what his role might possibly be in the event of said break-up. He knew what Jason and Darren were hoping for, apparently, but everything was starting to have a very forced, contrived feel. What he needed to think about was his future. In about six months, give or take, he'd need a job. He guessed he could probably stay on at County if he wanted; Luka confirmed that he would not be returning. It was also likely that he and Abby would be moving, freeing up yet another attending position. The problem was, Ray wasn't sure he wanted his future to be in emergency medicine. The need to finish the residency for the sake of completion had driven him over the past year, but as he continued to toil in the ER, he doubted increasingly that he was destined to make a career of it. This was something he hoped he'd be able to discuss with Alyssa later. But for now, he sat back and watched the rest of the game. He had a feeling that there was going to be plenty of time to talk.


	36. Bearing Sorrow, Havin' Fun

Chapter 36 – _Bearing Sorrow, Havin' Fun_

After the game, Jacy hurried Ray back to the car even though he wanted to talk with Ash and congratulate him on his play during the game. The party preparations weren't yet finished, and she needed his help. Ray quickly said goodbye to Alyssa and caught Darren's eye before he jogged off to catch up to his mom. On the way to the house, Jacy summoned the courage to ask her son the question everyone else had been asking or at least wondering.

"Ray," she started, not sure she should continue, "What happened between you and Neela?"

He stared out the window as the scenery rushed past them. "We don't want the same things in life, I guess." He shrugged. "I don't know if we ever did or if there was just this intense attraction." He turned to his mother, "Whatever it is or was, it's played out now."

"Are you sure?" Jacy asked, a concerned frown furrowing her forehead.

"Yeah, I guess." Ray looked back toward the side window. "And I can't be there anymore. I mean, not any more than I have to."

"Are you thinking about coming home?" Jacy asked, scarcely able to breathe.

"Yeah, maybe. I think." He wanted to run the next part by Alyssa before he discussed it with anyone else, but he didn't ever imagine he'd be having this conversation with Jacy. "I've been thinking about PM&R," he revealed.

"What about it?"

"About doing it. I'm in the ER every day and I see all these people who I can't do anything for or about. I slap a band-aid on them and send them back out to keep doing whatever stupid thing brought them to me in the first place. It's discouraging, and I don't know how long I can keep doing that."

"So another residency?" Jacy asked, knowing how hard that could be on Ray, to start all over again.

"I don't know, and that's why I didn't even think about it right after. I couldn't imagine starting at zero with that on top of everything else. I thought I could step back into my life and just…" he trailed off. "I don't know what I thought, but I was wrong."

Jacy reached across for his hand. "Ray! Why haven't you talked to me about any of this? Have you talked to Darren or Greg or anyone?"

"Not really about this." He looked at his mom and grinned sheepishly. "I wanted to run it by Alyssa, but then Cooper came along and I haven't really been able to talk to her for a while. And Neela obviously doesn't understand."

Jacy nodded. "Okay, so you need to talk to her tonight, right? Cooper isn't coming. She told me that earlier. He has some campaign thing tonight. I can make sure you two have some time if you need it."

"Yeah?" Ray asked, a bit surprised. "You'd be my wingman?"

"You'd be surprised what I'd do for you, Son," Jacy answered.

"I know, and I'm sorry." _For everything_, thought Ray.

Jacy looked Ray and smiled. "I know you are, and I love you, Ray. I'm so proud of you, of everything you've done and are doing. I also know you have to do these things on your own, and as hard as that is for me, I realize that I have to let you."

Ray reached across the seat and kissed Jacy's cheek. "I love you, Mom." He started to say more, but saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. He realized he didn't have to say anything else. She squeezed his hand again as she directed the car into the driveway.

Once they got inside, Jacy promptly shifted into party mode. She gave Ray a specific list of instructions for cleaning and straightening around the pool as she worked inside. As Ray was skimming, he heard a knock on the back gate. He looked up to see Jason Harrison.

"Your mom told Alyssa to invite me, and I thought maybe I'd stop by early to see if I could help with anything."

"Sure," Ray confirmed, handing Jason the skimmer net as he walked through the gate and into the yard. "You can finish with the pool while I clean up around the lawn. Then, there are tiki torches in the pool house that need to be set up."

Jason and Ray got to work and had nearly finished with Jacy's list by the time Darren arrived. He walked across the deck, shooting Ray a skeptical glare as he saw Jason organizing some small fireworks he'd retrieved from his car in a corner of the lawn.

"Really?" he asked when he was close enough to whisper to Ray.

"Stop it. He's helping," Ray hissed as he directed Darren to help moving the patio furniture.

The three of them finished the yard work and Darren had even started grilling when Alyssa, Ash and Alyssa's family arrived. Several other families from the ballpark as well as a handful of Jacy's friends from the neighborhood trickled in as the evening continued. Ray noticed that Jason blended better with the crowd than he would have expected. His mother's neighbor, Mr. Macgregor had cornered him on the edge of the deck and was no doubt talking about his beloved sailboat. Jason nodded as though he was interested in what the man had to say, but Ray felt for him. He walked up and interrupted, saying that he needed Jason's help.

"Man, you absolutely saved me there. If I had to hear about one more type of barnacle, I was going to explode," Jason grinned as they walked toward the pool where Ash and the other kids were swimming. "This is really nice, Ray. You have a good thing here."

"Yeah, I see that. It's taken a little while, but I think I'm finally figuring that out."

Jason nodded. "Are you thinking about coming back? Ash said you'll be done with your training around the first of the year."

Ray decided to answer him honestly. "I don't know what I'm gonna do, actually. It's something I've been thinking about a lot these past few weeks." Ray shrugged. "I don't know."

"Have you thought about the VA system?" Jason asked.

"No, why?"

"Well, the offer a pretty wide range of specialty care on top of the primary stuff. You're ER, right?" inquired Jason. Ray nodded and Harrison continued, "Most of the bigger med centers have ERs, not so much trauma, but acute care. I don't know if you're thinking about rehab medicine at all, but there are a lot of guys coming home who need somebody to show them that it's possible to get through what you've experienced. You could help a lot of them."

"The thought has crossed my mind, but I don't know if I want to start all over again," admitted Ray.

"Yeah, that has to be a lot of work, but if it's what you want to do with your life, wouldn't it be worth it?"

Ray nodded. "It's something I have to think about it." He glanced around, remembering he was at a party. He clapped Jason on the back. "Make sure you get something to eat. I'd come back for Darren and my mom's cooking if nothing else." Jason nodded and headed toward the house as Alyssa approached Ray from the other side.

"You've been busy today," she grinned as she approached, her skin glowing in the twilight. "Looking out for Jason and all."

Ray shrugged. "He seems okay."

Alyssa nodded a couple of times. "Yeah, I always thought that, too."

"Well, I'm not planning on falling in love with him, Alyssa," Ray snapped. The look on her face told him he'd gone too far. He grabbed her arm as she turned to walk away. "I'm sorry. That was out of line."

She turned back, pulling away from his grip. "Yeah, it was, but I don't want to fight with you." She ran her hands through her hair. "Where's Neela? I was looking forward to meeting her this weekend. You got to meet Cooper and Jason and all my past indiscretions. I was hoping I'd finally get to meet yours."

Ray glared at her for a second, not sure if she was intentionally trying to hurt him, but there was no clear indication of malice on her face. "I thought my mom had told you," he managed.

"Told me what?"

"We're not together. We broke up three months ago."

As though ice water had run through her veins, Alyssa shivered. "I didn't know that." She took a couple of steps toward the house but turned back to Ray, "Before or after Cooper and I…"

"Before," he admitted.

"That's what I thought," she managed before starting across the lawn away from him

"Alyssa, wait, let me explain," he begged as he followed her.

"Just don't Ray. I'm happy. Ash is safe and secure. We're good. I hope you can be someday, too." She let her hand trail down the side of his face as she spoke before releasing him and walking away.

He barely saw her the rest of the night, only in groups of women who seemed to herd around her if he approached. Ray spent most of the party with Jason, who triumphantly set off the fireworks after the sun set. Ash proudly told the other children that his father had been in charge of the fireworks. Jason also presented the kids with sparklers and patiently lit them as Ash and his friends wrote their names in the silvery shimmer.

Darren intercepted a visibly shaken Ray as he attempted to clear some of the inside tables. He pulled the younger man into the garage apartment before initiating conversation.

"What the hell is going on? You look like somebody just shot your dog."

"She just told me to leave her alone. She said she and Ash were happy and she hoped I could have that, too," panted Ray as he kept his eyes low on his trembling hands.

"Did you tell her about Neela?"

"Yeah, that's what prompted all of this, I guess. She asked about Neela and I told her we broke up." Ray sighed, collecting a deep breath and the smallest bit of composure. "She asked if it was before she and Cooper got together and I said yes. Then she got very cold and resolute and that was it. I tried to explain about all that was going on with Neela, how those days right after were such a mess, but she just walked off. Now she's surrounded by every woman out there. I can't get within 50 feet of her."

"Well, and you are now her baby daddy's new best friend. That can't help," grinned Darren, making light of Ray's new plight. "You have to relax, man. She's just pissed that you didn't come running to her the second that you were free. That's a good thing."

"It didn't seem good as she was practically running _away_ from me a few minutes ago," protested Ray.

"It means she wanted you to, and she's pissed that you didn't. That's definitely positive," Darren assured him. "You just have to be available when she needs you. I'm sure that's something you and your new friend have discussed."

"Why don't you give him a break? I mean, you're the one telling me you aren't sure what he's capable of and that we have to be really careful around him," demanded Ray.

"Yeah, but it looks like he's getting his shit together, and if history has told us anything, that means he'll make a play for her and she'll want him back. They definitely have a strong connection." Darren explained. Ray could tell this possibility frightened the big man.

"He says that's not what he wants, but I understand where you're coming from. It's almost like they belong together. They were bantering back and forth at the game today, and for a second, maybe longer than a second, I just wished I had a connection like that with someone."

"They have a ton of history and Ash." Darren shrugged. "I think we're all in trouble if he comes back from Tuscaloosa with things in order."

"I mean, would it be so bad?" Ray wondered aloud

"You ready for that?" inquired Darren

Ray thought about this for a moment before answering with his own question, "Are you?"

"She's going to be with someone, Ray, and I know it isn't going to be me. I knew that a long time ago, and I've moved on. Rhonda and I have been together for a year, and I think love her. Alyssa and Ash will always be important to me, but they're not mine." Darren stated evenly.

"I want it to be me," Ray finally admitted to Darren and to himself.

"Well, we may actually be getting somewhere with you," chuckled Darren. "So when are you coming home?"

Ray shrugged. "I'm not sure exactly when I'll be done. January maybe."

"I think you should work down here in an ER before you decide to give it up," proffered Darren. "I know you're having second thoughts about it, but give it a chance before you go off and reinvent the wheel."

Ray shook his head as he squinted at Darren. "How did you know that?"

"It's pretty much what everyone goes through. It's like, 'I got my life back so maybe I should help others in the same position.' Only you're closer to the action that most people, so it's more of a reality for you. You're a year out. That's amazing, and that's when folks start getting a little perspective, especially when things are going as well physically as they are for you."

"What you're saying does make sense, but if I want to do it, how do I go about it?" pushed Ray.

"You mean is there any fast track?"

"Yeah. Do I have to do the whole four?"

"They'll give you credit for the transitional year, I'm thinking. It's in New Orleans, though. You know that, right?"

Ray nodded. "It's a lot closer than Chicago, though. Warmer, too."

"But you'll think about what I said about giving the ER a try first?"

"Yeah. Jason said something about the VA. I hadn't thought about that, but it might be a possibility down the line."

Darren nodded. "They do good work there, and they definitely need help in the areas away from the big medical centers. You can imagine how it is. You just want to get home, and if there's nowhere to rehab when you get there, you risk losing everything you learned while you were away."

Ray nodded. He didn't want to imagine where he would be right now if he hadn't completed a full rehab course without access to state of the art prosthetics. Actually, he'd probably be where he was right now, sitting alone in this room. But he was more than that. He'd worked too hard to lurk in shadows feeling sorry for himself.

"I need to go back out there. Or can you get her to come in here for a minute. I need to talk to her."

Darren grimaced but agreed to try. Ray took a seat on the sofa for a second then walked over to the shelves of records on the far wall. He selected one and placed it on the turntable. Gregg Allman set the tone as she walked into the room.

"My name is Alyssa, you know," she said as she walked toward his turned back.

He pivoted to face her. "Melissa was as close as I could get. Sorry." He smiled slightly.

"I'm sorry about earlier."

"It's okay," he shrugged.

"Truth be told, it would have been a bad thing if you'd run back down here as soon as you got out of whatever you had going on with Neela."

He nodded. "I didn't really know what was happening for a while. I moved out, but there was still a chance there for a while. When I was sure it was over, we had already talked about Cooper." Ray shrugged. "I don't know what else I could have done."

"I know. That's why I'm sorry."

"I wish…" Ray started then stopped. He felt her suddenly against his body.

"Don't. I can't."

"Is this about Cooper?" he asked, breathing into her hair.

He felt her head shake against his chest. "No."

"Jason."

He grip around his waist tightened. "You can't tell him no. Can you?"

Her head shook again. "I'm just praying he won't ask, but I'm so afraid he will." She sighed heavily.

Ray directed her to the sofa as the song ended. "Maybe things will be different when he gets back. Maybe the two of you can finally make it work." He couldn't believe the words he heard himself speaking.

"Maybe we could, but I've been so happy here without him, but look at Ash. He absolutely lights up when Jason is around. I can't take that away from him," she rationalized.

Ray pulled her close to him. "But it doesn't mean that you have to be with Jason. People make it work every day. What you owe Ash is being with the person who is going to make you happy every day. And in doing that, this person will love Ash like his own without feeling threatened by Jason's place in Ash's life."

She let her head rest on Ray's shoulder. "You have it all figured out, huh?"

"I don't think I have anything figured out, Alyssa. I wish to God that I did, but I don't even know what to do about work."

She smiled. "Ah, I guess it is about that time. Did Darren already give you the speech?"

"He did."

"Have you decided to listen?"

Ray shrugged. "I'm going to apply for some jobs, I guess, and take it from there."

"It is different when you're the boss and there are no residents and students around to make things more challenging," Alyssa explained. "Darren's right, though. You should give it a try before you decide to give it up. You've put a lot of time and work into getting where you are in your career."

Ray tangled and untangled his fingers in her hair. "Do you all have a manual you read from or something?"

"We're united in our approach because we both have the same beliefs on this," she declared. She sat forward on the couch and looked at her watch. "It's getting late, Ray. We have to get going."

"Will I see you before I leave?" he asked, knowing Cooper would be filling the rest of their holiday weekend.

"Stop by the office on Tuesday. I'll drive you to the airport."

* * *

Three days later, they stood at the security checkpoint saying goodbye. He pushed the stray strand of hair from his face as he smiled down at her.

"If you have any employment tips or insider information, I'll definitely take them," he babbled to keep himself from saying anything too meaningful.

She raised her hand to take his. "I'll be on the lookout. We'll miss you."

He swallowed hard and stared deeply into her eyes. "If you asked me to stay, I would."

"But you can't, and I wouldn't do that."

He nodded. "I know."

"You'll be back before you know it," she breathed as she pressed her body against him in a final embrace.

He wrapped his arms around her, inhaled the fresh scent of her hair one last time and gently kissed the top of her head. "Bye," he whispered as he carefully disengaged and walked toward the security queue.


	37. Truth Is I Am Done Pretending

A/N: Sorry it's been a while. My computer died and then I was out of the country for a while. Now I'm in the process of moving but have this almost finished. This is the first of the final three chapters. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

_Chapter 37 – Truth Is I Am Done Pretending_

First the new interns came. He felt about a million years older than them. Then, Abby left for Boston with Luka. Ray watched his support system reduced by one half while voices whispered that he could take her place in the winter if he so desired. Neela accepted Dubenko's offer for the trauma fellowship. That meant he saw her nearly every day now, her and Brenner, who always seemed to pop up like a bad penny.

He wasn't quite sure how he made it to Halloween, but the calendar and Tracy Martin's mermaid costume told him that he had. That gave him a good chuckle, watching her waddle around in that getup while Pratt fumed. Ray didn't know how the other man kept a straight face. Luckily he wasn't working with her today, Grady was. That guy couldn't seem to catch a break. Ray smiled as he saw his name on the schedule beside Kaya Montoya's. She was sharp and would be sure to keep him on his toes throughout the shift. Daria practically swooned, trailing behind Gates as they walked past the desk on their way to Curtain Area 2. Ray looked around for Kaya and found that she was already seeing patients, so he walked up to help Archie run the board. Before he could make it, though, Frank informed him there was someone waiting for him at the triage desk.

He wasn't expecting anyone, but four years at County told him it was impossible to tell who would be there when he arrived. As he approached the window, he glanced into the waiting room, scanning for a familiar face. A hand brushed his shoulder and he jumped. He turned too quickly to see who had touched him and felt his upper body beginning to list as a result. His hand groped for the counter to support his shifting body weight as she walked into his line of sight. Somehow, he managed words.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in? God, I'm so glad to see you." They tumbled out of his mouth as she put an arm around his waist to help steady him. He paused for a second as he finished righting himself before motioning toward the lounge. "Let's go in there." Her hand slipped down to his side and into his hand as they crossed the room. When they arrived at the door, he pushed it open. She slid in front of him into the empty room. They stood facing one another in front of the couch for a moment, just staring, before he noticed her hair. The wavy curls flowed loosely onto her shoulders – just the way he loved it. His fingers, acting independently, reached out to touch them.

"I've been wearing it like this for a while," she explained as she took his fingers and let them tangle in hers. "It reminds me of you."

"What are you doing in Chicago?" he asked again. He'd been here for almost a year, yet she'd never had a reason to come before.

"I've been in town this week for the national conference. It seemed like the perfect excuse to see you and what you do here," she explained. "I did a little community ER rotation for about a month in 4th year but never anything like this. Would it be okay if I followed you around for a while?" she asked, still not breaking her hold on his eyes.

"Sure," he beamed. "You can finally see me in action." Realizing he still had his hand in hers, he lifted it to his lips and brushed them lightly against her palm. She didn't pull away or seem embarrassed. He resisted the urge to do more and led her back into the main area. "Do you want some coffee or anything? We can go across to Jumbo Mart. It's less lethal than the tar in the lounge."

"Yeah, that's fine," she nodded. "Coffee would be good."

"Frank," Ray addressed the man at the desk, "If anyone's looking for me, I'm at Jumbo Mart." He ignored Frank's odd stare as he placed his hand on the small of Alyssa's back and walked beside her out the door and into the ambulance bay.

A second later, Archie Morris materialized beside Frank. "Where'd Ray go? I thought he was going to help me run the board."

"I think you're on your own with that, Morris. He just headed off to Jumbo Mart with a lady."

"A lady or a groupie," Gates asked as he walked up and joined the conversation.

"That's unnecessary, Gates," Greg interjected as he arrived on the scene.

"Whatever you say, Boss. I'm just using history as my reference," Gates mumbled as he left the desk, Daria right at his heels.

"Like that guy has any room to talk about groupies," Archie chuckled. "You planning on doing something about that, Greg?"

"What am I supposed to do? Ask him to be less dreamy?" Pratt batted his eyes sarcastically.

"I wanna get back to Ray and this woman he just left with," Frank said, forcing them back on subject.

"I don't know about anyone, do you?" Archie asked Greg.

"No one but the doctor from Baton Rouge, but the last I knew she was seeing someone else," shrugged Greg. "Did you get a name, Frank?"

"Nope, just said he was going and she went with him." Then a thought hit him. "Ask Chuny," Frank said, pointing toward the doors, "She buzzed the woman in, whoever she is."

Pratt and Archie immediately descended upon Chuny at the triage desk. "Who is the woman with Ray?" Archie practically yelled before Pratt had a chance to open his mouth.

"Chill, Morris," Chuny admonished. "You're rousing the patients." She stuck her thumb out toward the window where perspective patients immediately began crowding around the site of two white coats. "She said her name was Dr. Bradford and she was a friend of Ray's. I let her in. Is there a problem?"

"No, no, nothing like that," assured Pratt. "We just wanted to know who she was. He shot out of here with her before any of us had a chance to meet her."

"Well, he took her in the lounge first, and she had a bag with her when they went in there. I'm sure they're coming back if you want to talk with her," Chuny revealed.

"Yeah, we'll just wait for them to get back," Archie decided. "Thanks, Chuny. You're doing a great job here." She rolled her eyes as they turned back to the admit desk and she resumed taking patients' paperwork.

"I'll work on clearing the board while you keep an eye on the kids, if that's okay with you," Archie asked Greg.

"Yeah, that's fine. Just let me know when Ray gets back," Greg waved over his shoulder as he headed off to make sure Gates was handling whatever he and Daria had gotten themselves into earlier.

By the time Ray and Alyssa returned, word had buzzed through the department that the "other woman" was in the building. Andrew, who heard from Daria who'd overheard Gates and Pratt talking, mentioned to Neela that Dr. Barnett's friend from Louisiana was visiting. She checked the trauma pager about 15 times before she finally tagged along with him on a rule-out appy.

Grady was taken aback when he saw her. "Dr. Rasgotra, did I call the wrong number? I was just looking for general surgery, not trauma," he apologized as she whisked into the room in front of Andrew.

"I thought I'd follow Andrew, just to see if I've actually taught him anything," she explained as she took a place in the back of the room, staring intermittently out the window while Andrew completed his assessment. She didn't see anyone out of place, though. "Andrew, I'll be at the desk when you're done. I'll sign your note before you go back upstairs," she mumbled as she walked out from behind the curtain.

Frank was waiting for her. "Can I help you, Dr. Rasgotra?" he asked even though he had a pretty good idea why she was there.

"I, uh, was just looking for Ray," she attempted playing cool, but she knew they hadn't spoken to one another outside of patient care for months now, and she also knew that everyone in the ER knew.

"He's in the lounge with Dr. Bradford from Louisiana," he said, preparing her for what she was going to find.

"Thanks, Frank. I'd heard something like that." She walked over to the door. _Wonder if I should knock first_, she thought as she placed her hand on the blind-covered window, briefly recalling risqué photos Abby had helped her take for Michael behind just such a door in what seemed like another lifetime. She took a deep breath and pushed through. Ray and Alyssa were seated on the couch laughing about something. Her stomach lurched. She didn't think she could do this. She started to back out the door when Ray spotted her and stood.

"Neela, I, uh, I didn't see you there." He stepped toward her. "Come in. I want you to meet Alyssa Bradford." He turned to Alyssa, "Alyssa, this is Neela Rasgotra."

"Dr. Bradford," Neela smiled as she extended her hand to the other woman. "I've heard so many wonderful things about you. It's so nice to meet you."

"Thank you, Dr. Rasgotra, but please, call me Alyssa."

"And I'm Neela."

Alyssa smiled. "It's great to finally meet you. I'd hoped to see you the last time Ray was in Louisiana." Neela nodded but kept silent.

"Alyssa's in town for a conference but she wanted to check out what we do here," Ray interjected quickly.

"Ah, well, you're bound to see some action if you stick around very long. I have to get back upstairs though." She turned to Ray, "You know where to find me if you need me," and then back to Alyssa. "It was so nice to meet you, Alyssa."

"And you too, Neela." They shook hands again. Neela walked assuredly to the door, fighting the urge to look back as she did so. Alyssa stood beside Ray in the middle of the floor, watching her go.

When she had disappeared, Ray spoke. "Sorry about that."

Alyssa brushed him off. "It's fine," she said, forcing a smile. "You never mentioned how beautiful she is, though."

Ray shrugged his shoulders in a perplexed gesture. "Yeah, she is," he finally conceded. "I didn't think I'd ever have to explain her to another woman."

She smiled more genuinely now. "I guess not."

He decided to move things along. "We should go check on my intern. She's good, but I haven't talked to her all shift." Ray headed to the door and opened it for Alyssa. As they passed the desk, Ray glanced at the board to find where Kaya was working. He led Alyssa to Exam 1 where they found Kaya conversing with an adolescent girl complaining of flu-like symptoms. She had already finished her history and physical exam and had put in orders for preliminary labs. She handed Ray three additional charts to review before she found Morris to co-sign. They moved from bed to bed, checked labs and x-rays and spoke with patients as Ray and Kaya discharged her patients and he picked up several charts of his own. Alyssa watched him sew the next patient's multiple lacerations obtained when the windowpane he had been installing shattered in his hands. When it came to the cut on the man's forehead, Ray pulled out a tube of Derma bond and repaired the break in the skin. Alyssa found herself grinning as Ray quickly gave the patient his aftercare instructions. He turned back to her.

"I can probably get out of here if this is completely boring you."

"It's fine, Ray. I'm not bored," she assured him. "I've been sitting in meetings all week. Anything is better than a power point presentation."

"Damn," he joked, "Because I was just going to have Morris give you ours on prioritizing trauma patients. It's riveting."

"I have no doubt, but if I'm slowing you down, I can go."

"No. God, no. I just don't want to spend your time here, well, _here_," he explained as Gates and Daria followed a gurney into one of the trauma rooms.

Alyssa craned her head in that direction, attempting to see what was going on inside. Ray came up behind her and motioned to the door.

"Wanna watch?"

She nodded. "If it's okay."

He shrugged and started toward the room. "Here," he said, tossing her a yellow paper gown and some goggles. "We can go in."

Ray pushed through the door. "Need anything, Gates," he asked as he walked up to the table.

"Nah, we're actually on our way to the cath lab. I think Pickman's bringing in a guy in status eplilepticus, though, if you want to check that out."

"Yeah, okay," Ray said as he scooted out of the way as Gates and crew exited the room. He and Alyssa were left alone in the trauma room. "You want to hang around for the incoming or do you want to see if I can get away?"

"I don't want to get you into any trouble," she grinned. "Shouldn't you finish your shift? I mean, isn't that what 4th year ER residents do, anyway? Just wait for traumas and let their interns see patients?"

"Let me see what I can do," Ray grinned back at her as he pulled off the PPE. "Wait for me in the lounge, okay?"

Five minutes later he breezed through the door and past her toward his locker. He deposited the stethoscope and retrieved his jacket. Alyssa watched him, her eyes sparkling even in the lounge's dim light as she did so.

"We're free," he finally enlightened. "Pratt said he can cover for me." He clipped a pager to his belt. "I felt bad, though, and told them that they could page me if they really get in a bind."

"Well, isn't that chivalrous of you," Alyssa grinned. "Where to now?" she asked, rising from the couch and grabbing the arm he offered to her.

"Anywhere you want," he pulled her into his chest and deeply inhaled the scent of her hair. "Anything you want."

He felt her sigh as she whispered something so softly he had to ask her to repeat it. She looked up into his face and licked her lips, which had suddenly dried out. Alyssa hesitated a second or so more before she was actually able to verbalize it for him. Finally, she said it. "All I want is you."

He pulled her closer to him, if that was even possible and kissed her. The irony of his similar meeting with Neela taking place just a few months earlier in the exact same location was not lost on him, but he couldn't say that he cared. He wanted her in his arms right now, and for as long as she would stay. He almost dared to hope it would be forever. But first, they had so much to discuss. He needed to know why she was able to come to him now.

Ray's mind was turning furiously. He wanted to take her to just the right place at just the right time. She was only wearing a thin jacket, so taking her down by the lake probably wouldn't work out too well. She was likely to freeze on him if they did that. There was the possibility that he had an extra jacket in his car, though. He'd check when they got there. Right now, though, he was leading her out of the lounge and into the bustle of the ER. As he expected, the bulk of the staff was waiting for them at the admit desk. Ray sighed as he directed her over to the group, thinking he might as well get it over as quickly as possible.

Pratt was the first to look up and notice them. He jabbed Morris in the ribs and Frank, hearing the commotion of those two, also turned. Ray scratched his hand through his buzzed hair and gave the men a curt nod.

"Um, hey, Pratt, Morris, Frank. This is Dr. Alyssa Bradford from Baton Rouge. She's in town for a conference this week."

Alyssa stepped forward and stuck her hand out to each of them, starting with Pratt. "You must be Greg Pratt," she grinned. "I've heard so much about you." Then she turned to Morris. "You're obviously Archie Morris. It's nice to meet you." Finally, she turned to Frank. "And last but certainly not least, Frank. I know you've kept an eye on Ray, and as his former physician I have to thank you for that."

Frank tried to maintain his gruff exterior. He'd already declared himself a staunch supporter of Team Neela, but he could understand what Ray saw in this woman. She was quietly charming and quite engaging. Plus, she seemed to fit the "new" Ray. In truth, they'd all kept a close eye on Ray since he'd gotten back, but Alyssa had been correct in her assessment – Frank had spent plenty of time just observing the changes in Ray since his accident. He watched Ray and Neela try to make a go at their relationship, and he watched it fail miserably. Now they were barely even talking. He had been at County and in his own marriage long enough to realize that people changed over time. The problem was, Ray and Neela were changing in opposite directions. And the vector of Ray's changes was pointing right in the direction of this other woman. Frank was glad he was getting the chance to meet her now. It was like the last piece of the puzzle falling into place. Frank's job was to be the hub of the ER, and he'd heard all the news and rumors. Most of them were saying that Ray was leaning toward the attending position vacated by Abby, but Frank hadn't ever felt that was going to happen. Now he knew it wasn't. Ray's destiny lay in Baton Rouge and with Dr. Alyssa Bradford. Frank would bet his left thumb on it.


	38. Love Is Not A Victory March

Thanks for the reviews, even though I know that many of you are not too excited about the prospect of a future without a Reela. But since the show gave us our ending, I felt like I could go ahead and write it another way. This is the last regular chapter, which will be followed by an epilogue.

* * *

_Chapter 38 – Love Is Not A Victory March_

Over the next three hours, Alyssa explained the happenings of the past few months. Jason had successfully completed his inpatient PTSD treatment program in Tuscaloosa, returning to Baton Rouge just long enough to introduce his fiancée Jessi before the couple moved to Jackson, MS near her family. She happily reported that Ash and his father had kept in touch and were planning a camping trip in the spring. Alyssa also relayed that for the first time in more than 15 years, she no longer felt the intense tie to Jason Harrison that had dominated her teenage and adult life. Upon realizing this, she was suddenly and amazingly able to comprehend what a horrible mistake she was making in continuing a relationship with Cooper Williams. Three weeks before her trip to Chicago, she had broken up with him. His response had been explosive anger at what he saw as her sabotage of his political career. Following this outburst, Alyssa lost any reservation she'd harbored about ending the relationship.

Ray sat back on the hastily cleaned off couch in his and Bruce's living room, shaking his head in disbelief as he listened. "So you came here for what exactly?" he finally asked after she finished.

She shrugged, trying to pretend like this conversation wasn't potentially the most important one she'd ever had. "I wanted to see you to let you know all of that and find out what it meant to you, if anything." She shrugged again and shook her head quickly. "I know I can't expect anything more than finding out that."

"Oh," he answered simply. "I see. That's all it is? You just wanted me to know?" _Because it seemed like a little bit more to me earlier today,_ he thought.

She leaned forward in the overstuffed chair, carefully maintaining her composure. "I'm not about to presume anything, Ray."

He nodded thoughtfully. "That's probably a good idea." _Jesus, that was cold, _he realized, as he sat back, almost in an attempt to move away from her.

They lapsed back into silence, sitting and looking at one another for a few more moments before she initiated another topic of conversation. "So, have you given any more thought to what you're going to do after you're finished?"

Ray shrugged again, thinking that she had to find him the most ridiculously callous person in the world right now. But he couldn't reveal to her how his very sanity hung by the tiniest thread at this very moment. He concentrated hard on attempting to remember her question in hopes of manufacturing an appropriate answer. "I think they're expecting me to take Abby's attending position," he was finally able to answer. "That's what Frank says, anyway, and he usually knows stuff like that even though he acts like he doesn't care about it."

She smiled, seeming unaware of his inner turmoil and completely ignoring his earlier comments. "It seems like a good place to work. At least it did in the hour or so I was there."

Ray couldn't keep the grin off his face. "They are good people. And theoretically it would be a great place to keep up on the cutting edge of trauma skills, but I don't know," he revealed.

She swallowed hard and almost allowed the words she needed to say to him escape but held them in at the last moment. "I'm sure there are plenty of options, though. Right?" was what she decided upon.

"Yeah," he affirmed. "There are a ton of places to go. I think I'm just going to start replying to postings and see where it goes. Hopefully the right job for me will be on the list."

"I'm sure it will be," she assured, keeping her eyes low. After another silent spell, she looked up to find him staring intently at her. "I guess I did come for more than that," she finally admitted, "But I can't help but think that it would be completely selfish and probably just wrong. So…" She trailed off.

He smiled sadly and nodded at her. "Again, if you'd told me even a few days before I met you last year that I'd be sitting her with a stunningly beautiful, intelligent and amazing woman like you without that being my only goal, anyone who knew me even peripherally would have called you crazy. But I understand what you're saying. There's no use in starting something we can't finish." As soon as the words had squirted out of his mouth, he knew he'd said the wrong thing again.

She stood from the chair and he rose to join her. "I should go. My flight is early," she said, starting toward the door.

He took a step toward her and took her into his arms, tangling her hair in his fingers again. "I'll be down there in a few weeks for Mom and Jack's wedding. I'm sure it will be a good time." He knew he couldn't take it back, and he didn't know how to fix it. This would have to do for now.

Alyssa pulled back slightly so she could look at him. "Yeah, of course it will be." She made a motion toward the door. "I really should go."

"Are you sure we can't grab a quick dinner or something?" he asked, now feeling terribly guilty about what had just transpired between them.

"I'm sure, Ray. I'll see you at the wedding." She stretched up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. Then, she picked up her bag and coat from the floor beside the chair, making her way to the door.

He followed about four steps behind her all the way to the street where he hailed her a cab for the hotel. The whole scene reminded him so painfully of the night Neela left, and he had to turn back toward his building as the car pulled away from the curb. He waved over his shoulder, hoping she could see as she disappeared around the corner. In a daze, he walked back to the front door of his building and up to his apartment.

* * *

He spent the next six weeks on autopilot. The week before Thanksgiving, Dr. Wilcox informed him that he would indeed be finishing his residency program at the end of December. Ray contacted the hospitals where he had entered applications to inform them of this update. He suddenly found himself with several offers for interviews. By the time the wedding rolled around the weekend before Christmas, he had been offered four jobs – the spot at County, one in Baton Rouge, one in Houston and one in Louisville, KY. He'd decided that based on how this trip home progressed, he'd have a final answer on the Monday after Christmas.

Darren met him at the airport like normal, but they drove to Jacy's house in near silence. Ray knew that Alyssa confided almost everything of any importance in Darren, so he couldn't help but wonder what she'd confessed that had kept the big man so quiet. He wanted to ask what she had said but somehow felt he should abstain from doing so. They'd have it out later; Ray was certain of that. Instead, he sat back into the front seat and watched the scenery pass by outside.

"What's the word on the job front," Darren finally asked.

"There are options. I just have to pick one now," Ray answered, still staring out the window.

"Based on what?" pushed Darren.

"I don't know yet." Ray turned. "I gotta give somebody an answer by the 29th, though."

"Can I even ask where the jobs are?"

Ray shrugged. "You can ask, but I really don't want to talk about it right now." He hadn't realized how perturbed this ride had made him until he snapped at Darren. He opened his mouth to apologize.

Darren didn't give him a chance. He slowed the car, pulled over onto the shoulder and put the car in park before turning to Ray. "Well, then how about Alyssa? Can we talk about her?"

"It doesn't really look like you're giving me a choice on that one, so talk." Ray amazed himself at how utterly defensive he sounded. Again, Darren gave him no opportunity to explain anything.

"What did you say or do to her when she was in Chicago?" Darren inquired as evenly as he possibly could.

"Nothing. I mean I don't think I did." Ray paused for a second, trying to recall the exact itinerary of their day. "She showed up at County pretty early and followed me around for a while. Then we went back to my place and she gave me the update on things. We talked for a while longer before she said she had to get back to the hotel because she had an early flight." Confident that he'd related it all accurately, he shook his head. "That's it."

"Well no wonder she's moped around like someone shot her dog for the past month and a half," muttered Darren.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're as dumb as you look, aren't you?" Darren scolded.

Ray's head swam. "Can you help me out here a little, man? Because I'm getting the feeling that I'm missing something." He pleaded with the other man.

"Well, yeah. You kind of missed the whole point."

"Of what?" This whole line of conversation thoroughly exasperated him.

"Of everything." Darren shook his head. "She came there to lay it all out for you, and as far as she's concerned, you passed."

Ray felt his eyes grow wide as he wagged his head from side to side. "No. No, that's not what I meant. Not at all."

Darren shrugged. "That's apparently how it looked to her. Did the two of you even discuss the possibility of a relationship?"

Ray closed his eyes for a second and sighed. "Yeah. I guess we did," he finally admitted. "I thought she meant she didn't want to…I guess I didn't get it."

"No," Darren whispered. "You didn't."

Ray rubbed the heel of his hand deeply into his eye sockets. "She came for me? To tell me we could…"

Darren nodded. "Yeah. Maybe she got cold feet and didn't articulate it as well as she could have, but that was supposed to be the gist of it."

"Well, shit. Guess I totally screwed that up."

"Yeah." Darren affirmed again.

Ray's head dropped into his outstretched hands. "What do I do now?"

"Assuming that you do want to be with her?"

Ray nodded without looking up. "I do."

Darren slowly nodded back. "You just tell her. Whenever you get the chance – the wedding, Christmas Eve, Christmas, right now. You know, whatever works for you."

Ray raised his eyes to Darren's face. He was pleasantly surprised to find a smile. "And you're okay with this happening?"

Darren shrugged, trying to be nonchalant, but Ray could see the tension in his jaw as he spoke. "I guess I realized a while back that it was going to happen eventually. I'm just glad it's you instead of the last asshole. It would be harder if she chose someone I didn't feel was worthy of her." Ray tried unsuccessfully to hide his surprise at Darren's last remark. "Don't look so shocked. You know I like you. Otherwise, I really could have killed you in the gym."

Ray felt his face moving to match the smile on Darren's. "You really think she still wants to be with me?"

Darren laughed. "For a lady's man you really suck at this, you know?"

"It's been a while," Ray started and then stopped. "Actually, it's never been like this. It's never been this real, or this imminent."

"Don't worry. I'll be around to make sure you don't screw it up," assured Darren only partly joking.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." The two of them laughed and Ray extended his hand to Darren. "None of this would be happening without you, man. I owe you everything. So, I just wanted to thank you for what you've done for me."

Darren took Ray's hand into his own and shook it before pulling the younger man into an embrace. When they broke it, he spoke. "It's my job, Ray, but it's also your life. I understand that, so we all do what we can to help you get back on track." He shook his head. "But I can only do as much as you let me."

"Well, I don't think I would have made it without you."

Darren exhaled a little laugh in response and put the car in gear, pulling back onto the road. They lapsed back into silence as they drove the rest of the way to Jacy's. When they drove up to the house, every light was burning, and the number of cars in the driveway gave the place the look of a used car lot. Darren parked a little ways down the street and helped Ray carry his bags back up to the house. It took him almost five minutes to find his mother amid the chaos. About a dozen women were on the back deck, listening to music and milling around in groups. Finally, he spotted his mother just as she noticed him.

"Ray!" she squealed as she streaked toward him. He'd never heard his mother squeal. Aunt Peggy and the party punch she was doling out in red plastic cups were most likely to blame. Jacy and Peggy both descended upon him, peppering him with kisses. Suddenly, the music changed from Elvis to Sublime, and Alyssa emerged from the pool house, swaying along to Santeria.

He'd never seen her look more beautiful than she did right then, standing in the moonlight, slightly tipsy and just the tiniest bit uninhibited. She hadn't seen him yet or heard his mother's outburst. The evening was warm enough for her to go barefoot in the cool grass. She sported a red sundress trimmed in white with a small white sweater covering her shoulders. The red ribbon holding back her hair had come loose, allowing the waves to cascade into her face as she danced toward the porch. He managed to stay in the shadows until the song ended. She looked up, her trance broken, and straightened her dress and hair as she glanced around quickly to see if anyone had seen her. The next song started. Sade's voice filled the night as Ray stepped off of the porch and toward her. She felt her face flush suddenly, partly from his presence and partly from the alcohol warming her all over. She guessed she'd known he would be arriving sometime tonight, but now the shock of having him standing there now constricted her chest. She found it difficult to take a breath when she reminded herself to do so.

"Dance?" he asked, holding his hand out to her. She nodded placing her hand in his and let him lead her to the smooth surface of the concrete surrounding the pool. His hands slipped down to her waist, and she felt her body leaning into his as her arms found their place around his neck. She closed her eyes and swayed with him, her fingers rubbing at the spikiness of the short hairs at the nape of his neck. Eventually, she looked up at his face. He was staring at her with eyes filled with such intensity that she had to tell herself to breathe again.

"Hi," he said, finally smiling.

"Hi," she whispered back. "I think I forgot you were coming."

"I'm sorry," he pleaded.

"For what?"

"For being an idiot. It's something you might have to get used to," he explained.

"What?" she asked, her head starting to swim.

"I want to be with you, Alyssa. I don't know about anything else right now, but I do know that. And I hope you still feel the same way." Ray exhaled deeply and waited for her to answer.

Alyssa's eyes were brimming with tears as she looked up into his face. "Of course I do, Ray." She wiped away escaped tears as they slid down her cheeks. "I thought you…"

He lifted his hand to her lips and shook his head, stopping her. "I told you I'm an idiot. I didn't even realize what was happening. I'm sorry I'm so dense."

She laughed now, allowing him to pull her close. "It's okay."

He took her face softly in his hands and carefully turned it back toward him. "I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She opened her mouth to reply but he stopped her again. "I know it's probably too soon for me to say something like that, but I needed you to know my intentions."

She smiled. "As long as they're honorable."

"Completely," he assured.

She let her hand drop to his side and she grabbed his. "I love you, too. I think I have for a long time, and I'd love nothing more than spending my life beside you – wherever that may be."

"Well, for now, it can be here. If that's what you want."

She nodded slowly. "I think that would be wonderful." She shivered and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

"You want to go back in?" he asked. She nodded and they started toward the house. He stopped at the edge of the deck, just before they joined the larger group. "Maybe we should wait until after the wedding to let the cat out of the bag," he suggested. "I don't want to take any of the focus off of my mom," he added quickly.

She pulled his hand to her lips and lightly kissed the back of it. "Those were my thoughts exactly." But she couldn't stop smiling. "I think they might figure it out though."

She unsuccessfully tried to stifle a giggle as they walked onto the porch where the rest of the men had now joined the women. Jacy, Darren and Jack all turned at the sound. They glanced slyly at one another, passing smiles and winks as the younger couple attempted to slip in unnoticed. Darren caught Ray's eye a few moments later. The younger man couldn't stop smiling now, either. Darren raised his eyebrows in the unspoken question. Ray immediately broke into the grin he was having an increasingly difficult time keeping off of his face. Darren shook his head playfully and walked over to his friend. The shook hands and embraced quickly.

"Take care of her, man," Darren appealed.

"You know I will," promised Ray.

"And you know I'll kick your ass if you don't," the therapist replied.

"Exactly." Ray knew that Darren would, too.

Jacy and Jack walked up beside Ray and smiled their quick congratulations. Ray hugged his mom and kissed her quickly as Jack clapped him supportively on the back. Alyssa stood quietly across the deck, pretending to be listening to another woman's story when she saw them congregating. She silently extricated herself and made her way to the others. Jacy welcomed her into their small huddle with open arms and a smile. After embracing her, Darren and finally Jack, she felt Ray's hands softly touching her.

It amazed her that she already recognized his contact so acutely. He rubbed his hand the length of her arm, lightly tickling as he traced. Then she felt his warm breath on her neck.

"I think I'm finally home," he whispered.

She turned to face him, reaching her right hand forward and placing it on his left cheek, smiling the whole time. "So am I."


	39. Epilogue

Epilogue –_Nothing's Gonna Change My World_

"Ash! Please come help Ray set up chairs out back?" Alyssa called up the stairs to her son. She patted the baby's back, encouraging him to burp as she waited for Ash to appear at the top of the steps. It took a minute, but he arrived with little protest. He was a good helper, even now, and he still absolutely adored anything to do with Ray. Alyssa knew they were fortunate in that respect – those two having always gotten along so well. Initially, their friendship made discipline difficult for Ray. But really, Ash rarely needed much correcting. Alyssa usually took the lead in such matters, though, with Ray, Jason, and even Jessi backing her up. Poor Ash wasn't ever going to be one of those kids who played one parent off another. They had all worked hard to make this work; they'd been making it work for the past four years.

Ray had returned to Baton Rouge, taking the local job upon graduation from his residency the month after Jack and Jacy's wedding. Nine months after he moved back to Louisiana and three months after he and Alyssa were married, he felt he'd given the ER the fair chance Alyssa and Darren had insisted upon. That September, he applied for residency positions and in March of the next year, he matched into LSU's PM&R program in New Orleans. When Ash finished second grade, they made their move.

Leaving Jacy, Jack and Darren behind in Baton Rouge had proven difficult for all of them, especially with the new baby on the way, but after a short time, they all settled into new routines. Alyssa's job had transferred easily, and following her maternity leave with baby Rosalind, she started back to work part time. Ray quickly fell back into resident life. Although he had to admit that the hours and workload were quite different and much more manageable than his ER residency, the new baby was something he hadn't contended with before. At first, he had been slightly hesitant with his daughter, worrying that since his father hadn't been present in his life, he'd have no idea how to father his child. Alyssa calmly pointed out that Ray had been successfully serving as Ash's father for two years prior to Rosalind's arrival. That realization served as a calming force for him.

Ash had been a big help, too. Almost instantly, he'd bonded with his sister. He imagined himself her protector and Ray's assistant in anything baby-related. There were plenty of times when she would cry and Ray, exhausted and overwhelmed, would turn to the boy for help. Every time, Ray shook his head in awe of his young son's ability to pacify the baby. On top of all this, Ash excelled at school and sports, especially soccer. Darren had still managed to make it down for most of the games, taking his place beside Ray, Alyssa and occasionally Jason on the sidelines.

The years had passed more quickly than Ray thought possible, until he found himself here today, standing in the backyard of their home, a full six years after he'd first met these people who had quite literally become his family, setting up for this party Alyssa had planned for him. He wasn't sure exactly how many people she had invited. He knew a couple of the other residents were having their own shindigs today, but two or three of his V.A. patients had promised to stop by.

As he looked around the yard, he wiped dripping sweat from his face and eyes. It was already a scorcher. He glanced over at the stack of chairs on the deck. Luckily, his new career kept him in amazing shape. He ran a seven-minute mile and had dabbled in marathon running before baby Benjamin arrived in February. He promised Darren they could start up again next season. Still, he ran daily. Ash had started joining him last summer. It was kind of their thing. Ray couldn't help him with soccer, and he didn't need it with school, but the running, well, Ray could do that. He'd only done six miles that morning. Alyssa had given him a to-do list as long as his arm, anyway. Arranging the chairs was the next item he planned to check off. As he started toward the deck, Ash appeared beside the stack.

"Mom said I should help you," he said as he grabbed a chair.

"Yeah, thanks." Ray picked two chairs off the top of the stack and carried them out into the sunshine. He set them down and looked around the yard again. "Did she say where she wanted them?"

Ash shook his head. "She just said I should help you with them. I think it's because you're getting so old."

Ash ducked as Ray came toward him, wrestled him to the ground and pinned him. Sitting atop his son, Ray grinned. "Who's getting old?"

Alyssa, who had been watching them out the kitchen window, stepped onto the porch with Ben in her arms. Ray released Ash and crossed the yard to meet them.

"Did you all come to help?" he asked as he plucked the baby from her arms.

"Well, we thought someone should actually set up the chairs," decided Alyssa.

"Yeah," Ray said as he situated Ben on his forearm so the baby was facing outward and could be part of the action, "But we didn't know how you wanted them."

"Oh, right, I had to come and bless the moving of the chairs before it could actually happen. I should have known," laughed Alyssa.

"Is Rosa still asleep?" asked Ash as he set up the three chairs.

Alyssa nodded. "I just checked on her. She's snoozing."

"So how do you _actually_ want these?" Ray asked, motioning toward the seats. "It might be too hot to have them out here. Maybe I should set them up on the deck for now."

"Or you guys could set up the pavilion. This would be the perfect opportunity to use it, right?"

Ray looked over at Ash and rolled his eyes. The boy shrugged his shoulders and trudged off to the pool shed. The pavilion was impossibly difficult to set up and take down, but Alyssa's assessment of the need for it was unavoidable. They were going to need the shade it would provide; otherwise their guests might boil in the sun. Ash reappeared with the box in tow. Ray handed the baby back to Alyssa and moved to help Ash unpack and organize the equipment.

They spent the better part of the next two hours embroiled in the task before Darren showed up on the back porch. Ash dropped his wrench and ran toward the other man.

"Oh, man, Darren. It's a good thing you got here when you did. Ray's trying to put up the pavilion, and it's pretty much a disaster."

"Nice, Ash. I thought you said it looked like we almost had it," Ray grumbled as he stood between the four posts with the canopy tangled around his feet. He carefully extracted himself and walked toward Darren. "Although, if you wanted to help out, who am I to protest?"

Darren laughed and hugged both of them. "Why don't you hop in the pool while Ray and I work on this, Ash. You look like you could use a break." Ash nodded, peeled off his sweat-soaked shirt and kicked off his flip-flops as he ran toward the pool and jumped in.

Ray pulled off his own sopping shirt and tossed it on the ground beside Ash's. "What about me," he sulked, "Don't I get a break, too?"

"Sure, if it will keep you from whining. I'll straighten this out while you cool off a little." Darren motioned for him to get in the pool.

Ray didn't have to be told twice. He grinned at Darren and jogged over to the water's edge. As he was slipping into the pool, Alyssa exited the kitchen with Ben on her hip and Rosalind trailing behind, holding onto the hem of Alyssa's cover-up. Alyssa handed Ben down to Ray, who dipped the baby's toes into the water. Ash swam up to the side so Rosalind could jump to him. Alyssa pulled the long shirt over her head and swept her hair on top of her head, securing it with a plastic clip. She slid into the water and took the baby back from Ray. He pressed his chest against her back, wrapping his arms around her and the baby. He kissed her neck before letting go, diving under the water and swimming the length of the pool. He hopped out of the pool, dried off, changed into the dry shorts Alyssa had left on the beach chair, and put himself back together to help Darren. Alyssa handed Ben back to Ray. He placed the baby in the shaded swing on the porch where he and Darren could keep an eye on him until Alyssa was finished swimming.

In the time he'd spent in the pool, Darren had assembled the pavilion and was only waiting for Ray to help him put it in place. Ray scratched his head as he approached.

"How in the world did you do that?" he asked.

Darren shrugged. "I've done it a couple of times before. I'll show you how to do it next time."

"Well, thanks. Here, I'll help you set it up." Ray reached for one edge while Darren grabbed the other. They righted the tent-like structure and secured it to the ground. Darren stood back, crossed his arms and nodded.

"I think that will do it," he assessed. "Let's arrange some of these chairs, now."

Under Alyssa's direction and with help from Ash, they realized her vision for the backyard setup. She and Rosalind collected flowers from around the property. Alyssa tied the arrangements with ribbons and placed them in small glasses around the house and yard. By 11:30, Jack and Jacy arrived. Jack fired up the grill and Jacy took over in the kitchen. They shooed Ray and Alyssa upstairs to get ready while they watched the little kids. Ash helped Jack on the grill. Rosalind stood on a chair beside her grandmother, mostly watching but occasionally adding an ingredient or helping in some small way wile Baby Ben contentedly hung out in his stroller. Darren finished tidying up in the yard before they all reappeared.

A little before one, the guests began arriving. Friends, colleagues and even some patients poured into the house. Alyssa paced around nervously, almost jumping each time the doorbell rang. Ray watched her as he greeted guests and directed them to the yard for food and swimming. He finally made his way over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"What do you need me to do?" he asked, feeling her tighten slightly beneath his touch.

She turned and forced a smile, the tension furrowing the faintest lines in the corners of her eyes as she clenched her jaw.

"Why don't you go with your mom and sister and I'll help Rosa get something to eat," he tried. But she kept her eyes on the door.

"What?" she asked after a few seconds. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

He pulled her into a full embrace now. "What are you worrying about? Everyone is having a good time. You should get a plate or a drink or something."

"Yeah." She smiled more convincingly this time. "I'll get it in a minute." Her phone vibrated in the pocket of her sundress. When she pulled it out and glanced at the screen, color flooded her face. "I'll be back in a minute," she whispered as she slipped out the front door.

Ray shrugged to no one and turned back to find his daughter. Darren had already claimed her, though, and Ray watched her munch on chicken nuggets (God knows where she'd gotten them) as she sat happily in the large man's lap. He observed Ash playing volleyball in the pool with his cousins and three of his former patients. His mother bounced Ben on her knee as she conversed with Alyssa's mother and the lady from down the street who sometimes watched the littler kids.

Jason and Jessi had called from New Zealand the day before. They had been living there for almost two years. Jason had found a position on a sheep ranch while Jessi worked as a nurse in a nearby camp hospital. Their daughter, Adelaide, was a few months older than Rosa. Ash was planning a visit over winter break and had been mowing lawns throughout the spring to save money for the trip. Having talked to them made Ray feel like everyone important in his life and the life of his family had been heard from. Well, almost.

He'd kept in touch with Abby since they'd been apart. Through her, he had heard about where all their old friends and co-workers had landed over the past few years. Many had gotten married, started families and even moved from the area just like the two of them had. One thing they never really discussed in any depth, though, was Neela. Ray had Googled her a few times, most recently about three months ago, and found that after her trauma fellowship at County, she had completed another in cardio-thoracic surgery at Baylor. According to her department biography, she joined the staff there when she finished and had remained for the past three years. The page also mentioned that she had been married to fellow surgeon Lucien Dubenko for the last two. Relief flooded over Ray as he'd read that. She'd chosen someone worthy of her, someone he assumed she loved and who would always show her love and respect in reciprocation. Knowing that allowed him to let go a little more. He hadn't checked the site since then, and he was okay with that.

Still, every now and again, like right now, she would cross his mind. He knew that Alyssa knew when she did, but his wife proved to be a generous and trusting woman. She never said a word when that little nostalgic smile would crowd his face when one of those silly 70's horror movies came on TV. She would simply kiss him on the cheek as she walked through the room. She always let him have his space. It was another of the many reason why he loved her so much.

He suddenly remembered how jumpy Alyssa had been the last time he'd seen her. Ray came back through the house, trying to find where she'd gone after taking that phone call. He walked through the ground floor, glancing in each room, looking for her. He finally opened the front door to find her standing on the porch with the very last people he expected to see – Abby, Luka, and Joe. Before he had a chance to ask them why they hadn't yet come inside, he saw another car pulling up directly in front of the house. Alyssa came toward him and placed her hand on his arm. He started toward the steps and the down walk toward the sedan. The passenger side door opened. Ray shaded his eyes and waited.

Neela Rasgotra stepped out of the car and into the sunlight. She maybe took a step toward Ray before he gathered her in his arms and swung her around.

"Ray! Put me down. I'm too heavy. You're going to fall," she laughed. He let her down but didn't immediately break the embrace until Lucien tapped him on the shoulder.

Ray looked up and grinned embarrassedly. "Sorry, man. Didn't mean to assault your wife or anything. It's just so great to see you," he said looking fist at Dubenko and then down at Neela. "It's great to see all of you," he kept smiling as he turned to the others on the porch. Slowly, he moved back toward the house. Alyssa stepped forward to meet him on the walk. His hand found hers as he breathed into her hair. "Thank you."

She looked up at her husband and smiled. This time, no hint of tension lined her face. "Why don't we all go inside?" suggested Alyssa.

The entire group followed and amidst hugs and handshakes, made it into the kitchen where Alyssa called Ash inside. He took Joe upstairs to change into a swimsuit before the two of them headed back outside to meet up with Mary and Mark. Jacy, Jack and the Brafords brought the little kids inside. Rosa immediately climbed into Abby's lap while Jacy handed Ben to Neela, allowing them all to get acquainted. Ray got drinks for the men as Alyssa and her mother fixed plates for the women. Eventually, they all proceeded outside to the deck. Darren joined them to help with introductions of the rest of the guests, even though the crowd had thinned out significantly by now. After a few harried minutes, they all sat down to eat together.

Abby glanced around, and realizing that someone was going to need to get the conversation going, she started it.

"So you think you actually want to be an attending for good now?" she jibed, grinning in Ray's direction.

"I guess so," he laughed in return, "But I'll give it a few months before I know for sure. That's what I normally do. Besides, it would be impossible for all of us to be as content as you up at Mass General."

Abby let her eyes fall on Luka and then Joe who fitted in seamlessly with the other kids before she answered. "I guess I have to agree with you there, Ray, but it does look like you guys have a very good thing going here."

Ray blushed. He felt Alyssa's hand inch underneath his. "Yeah. We really do. I mean, who would have pegged me as the family man, but it stuck."

Lucien decided to speak up. "I don't think anyone really would have, Ray, but you've always been a bit surprising."

"Somehow I don't think I should take that as flattery," Ray uttered cautiously, allowing his eyes to drift toward Neela. She laughed easily with Lucien's arm draped casually over her shoulder. And then, as though the floodgates had opened, they all began talking and sharing at once.

Still, he kept his eyes on her. After a second of listening to their chatter and laughter, she looked up and caught him. He picked up an empty wine bottle and slowly slid out of the picnic table, listening to Abby and Luka start yet another County story. Alyssa's voice cut through the twilight as he walked across the lawn. He didn't even notice her following (although he was sure her husband had) until he turned around to find her standing in the doorway, blocking his exit route. She had painted a sad smile on the face he knew so well. Yes, there were more lines around her eyes and even one on the left side of her mouth that didn't completely disappear when the smile faded, but he could have described that face in such perfect detail even now. The expression was one he found familiar as well. He tried to smile in return.

"I'm so happy for you, Ray," she said, taking one step toward him. "I honestly am."

"Thank you. I think we have a good life here." He wasn't sure what she wanted, what she was expecting.

She nodded slowly. "I was glad Alyssa called." She dropped her head slightly, embarrassed. "I guess I needed to know that you were okay, you know?"

Ray stifled a little cough that rose involuntarily in his throat. "Yeah." He paused. "I wanted to see you sooner, Neela, but I didn't know how to go about it. I kept hoping we'd wind up somewhere in the same city at the same conference or something. When we never did, I couldn't ever figure out how it would possibly work."

"I think this was the only way," conceded Neela. "She is so right for you, more so than I could ever have been, I think." Doubt slowly fell across her face as though fog had just rolled through a valley. "Maybe if we had tried it here instead …" she let the thought trail.

"Don't, Neela." He shook his head. "You're happy with him. I can see it all over you. Even though this is hard, the way we left things and being here now like this is awkward, despite Alyssa and Abby's best intentions. I understand how you're feeling, but it's not that.

"Lucien is a thousand times more right for you than I ever could have been. And Alyssa and our life here is right for me. I needed this. You needed what you have. We both turned out alright, didn't we?"

She watched him move closer to her as he spoke. When he finished, he stopped maybe an arm's length away from her. She wanted to reach out and take his hand in hers. She wanted to touch him.

"I'm very good at what I do," she rationalized.

"And so am I. All of it."

"Do you think I can be, too?" she asked, almost in a whisper.

He glanced at her sideways, squinting slightly. "I'm sure you will be. How soon?"

Instinctively, she wrapped her arms protectively around her waist and smiled at him. She knew he would know. "November."

He nodded. "I thought earlier but didn't want to be wrong. You felt a little heavier than I remembered."

She swatted at his head. "You wanker!"

Ray ducked and backpedaled at the same time. "It was a joke, Neela. But I hoped that it wasn't only Lucien Dubenko that made you look so alive."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh come on, Ray. I really won't dignify that with a response."

"Fair enough," he agreed. "But you are practically glowing," he admitted, ducking again in preparation he knew was coming. When she was finished swatting at him again, he walked up beside her finally and placed his arm around her shoulder, pulling her into a little half hug. "I'm happy for you, too, Neela."

"Thank you, Ray. It means so much to hear that from you."

He shrugged again and kissed the top of her head. "We should probably join the others now. I'm sure Luka's put money on us hooking up in the garage."

"He would," she grinned mischievously.

Ray grabbed another bottle of wine on their way back out. He couldn't help but notice how close Abby and Luka were sitting. Obviously, their relationship had grown even stronger than ever. He stood watching Neela take her place beside Lucien. Dubenko placed a protective, slightly possessive hand on hers as he gave her a silent look. She shook off his concerned gaze and darted her eyes from person to person, making sure no one had seen. Ray averted his eyes just before she reached his face. Instead, he slid into the seat beside Alyssa, brushing his lips across the side of her neck as he did so. Her hand slipped to his leg. She left it there as his found its way around her waist.

Darren grabbed the bottle and filled the empty glasses. It was only now that Ray noticed that Neela's place had no wineglass. He sat back and listened to the rest of their stories. Abby, Neela, and especially Luka related ER tales from even before Ray arrived. Dubenko added his own anecdote here and there, mostly dating from the time Neela switched to surgery. Ray realized that they were glossing over his intern year, for which he was thankful. Alyssa and Darren had to have an idea of what he'd been like at 26; he'd given them a reprise at 29. But he'd worked hard to put most of that behind him and appreciated the others not throwing it in his face. Suddenly, he noticed that everyone had gotten very quiet. He glanced up quickly and found Alyssa and the others staring at him.

"What?" he asked, since it was obvious everyone was waiting for him for something.

Abby smiled at him and tried her question again. "I asked if you were playing anymore."

Ray felt himself blushing as he recalled the time he quit his residency to make an album with the band only to find out that he'd been voted out. He'd had to beg Kerri Weaver for his job back. He hadn't played with a band on any regular basis from then until they moved to New Orleans. Ray found that when he arrived in the city, it was impossible for him to escape the urge to play – music was everywhere. He and some friends from work, a mixture of an attending, two patients and another resident had worked up a little group. They played on the weekend when they could find a booking somewhere. Ray was writing again, more furiously than he had since right after the accident. The music was different now, though – more blues influence and less punk than Chicago, but he still came alive when he played the guitar.

"A little," he managed, leaving it at that.

"More than a little," added Alyssa. "He's been playing with some guys from work for almost three years."

"Ray! That's great." Neela chimed in now. "I always thought that you were so talented, even though I'd never have told you. Especially after you decided you were really going to be a doctor," she grinned at the last little part she had tacked on.

He rolled his eyes. "It's been fun."

Conversation lulled again, and Luka glanced at his watch. "I hate to be the first one to break up the party, but it's getting late. We'd better be heading out."

"How long are you going to be in town," asked Alyssa.

"Just for the weekend," Abby explained. "We flew to Houston on Thursday to spend the day with Neela and Lucien. We all headed over on Friday morning and went downtown last night and this morning."

"And you drug poor Joe with you?" Ray inquired.

"He's a pretty easygoing guy," Luka explained. "That and he's leaving for soccer camp when we get back to Boston. He decided he could put up with the four of us for a long weekend."

"I think he's a little nervous about going," revealed Abby.

"And by him you mean you," finished Ray.

"It's only a week but it's also his first overnight camp," she added, ignoring Ray's remark. "I'm thinking about going with him."

"Ash has been bugging us all year to go to this one in North Carolina for the whole summer," Alyssa revealed. "I think it's a little early for him to be gone that long, but he is going to a couple of camps around here and the MLS camp in Houston."

"Oh, you'll have to come visit when you're in town," piped Neela.

They promised to do so as the party broke up. Abby collected Joe and his dry clothing while the others said their goodbyes. Everyone exchanged contact information and wished Ray congratulations and luck as they gathered at the front door. A moment later, after the hugs and tears were done, Ray and Alyssa found themselves standing alone on the porch, watching the lights of their friends' cars fade away.

Ray wrapped his hand around hers and directed her down the steps and around to the backyard. Someone had already cleared up around the pool. He guessed it had been their mothers. They were both inside with the kids now. Audri, Mark and Mary were staying with at the house, too. But right now they were alone. He turned on the stereo as she led him toward the pool. At the water's edge, she stepped out of her dress before she poured him a glass of wine. He took the goblet in one hand and draped his other around her waist. The birth of their two children hadn't affected her figure in the least. In fact, she was in even better shape now than when he'd met her. She untangled herself from him and slid into the water. As quickly as he could, he joined her. He leaned against the side of the pool, and she walked through the water toward him. When his fingers could finally reach her, he untied the strings of her swimsuit. The top fell into his hands. She pressed her chest tightly against his. His arms snaked around her again.

"I've thought about it for a long time now," he started, "And even if I had the chance, I wouldn't change it."

"Oh, Ray," she whispered. "You don't have to say that. Please don't say that."

"If it means I wouldn't have been here, needing you, or that I would have stayed there as that same person …" he tried again to elucidate how importantly she figured in his life.

She stopped him. "If I could give it all back to you, even if it meant we'd never had met, I would do it in a second." Her voice quivered when she said it, but she felt she had to let him hear the words.

"I know you would, and that's why I don't need it. But I do need you," he explained, holding her close to him.

"You're happy here, Ray? I mean even after seeing the others, this is enough?"

"Oh God, Liss. Yes. I'm happy. This is more than enough. It's more than I could have imagined, even before."

"But Neela," she started again.

"Is pregnant," Ray said, completing Alyssa's statement. Her eyes widened. Ray continued. "And happy. With Dubenko. In Houston."

"Wow. That's, wow," she stammered.

Ray nodded. "It is, isn't it?"

Alyssa worked hard to regain composure. "How does she feel about that?"

"Excited and scared, I think. I don't know if she ever imagined it."

Alyssa smiled. "Well, neither did Abby, right? And look at her. She's doing a great job. I'm sure Neela will, as well."

"Yeah," he agreed. "It's not like she's ever been bad at anything she tries."

"Exactly," grinned Alyssa. "The baby will be fine."

"Yeah," he repeated, a smirk forming on his own face. "I'm sure she's already read all the books."

She sighed contentedly as she leaned back into him. "I need to ask you one more thing."

"Mmm hmm?" he mumbled, loving the feel of her in his arms.

"It was nice to hear their stories tonight. It must have been tough to leave it all."

"Alyssa." He didn't like where she was going.

"I'm just saying, what you did there, Ray, it meant something. It was important."

"What we're doing now is just as important."

"In some ways, I guess, but I've never saved anyone's life, Ray."

Ray turned her in his arms so they were facing. "Alyssa. Is that what you think?" She nodded. Horrified, he shook his head and placed his and on her chin. "Oh, baby, that's not even close to being true." She rolled her eyes a little. He continued. "I guess I can why you'd assume you have to cross-clamp an aorta or do a femoral cutdown with blood squirting all over the room in order to do that." He let his fingers trail down her face before he reached back and braided them in her hair. "But that's not what I needed, and you saved me."

Her eyes rolled violently now. "Talk about dramatic," she muttered.

"I'm serious, Alyssa. Where would I be now without you? Sitting in my mom's garage? Drunk? Dead?" His gaze bored deeply through her eyes. She thought he might be trying to visualize the back of her skull. "You can try to brush that off, but there were days when I considered all three of those options, even with you around."

"Ray," she panted, as though he'd just slugged her squarely in the stomach. She gasped for more air. "You wouldn't."

"Not now, no." She pressed her body against his as he spoke. "You gave me a reason to keep going, and it got easier every day." He felt her nod, her head leaning on his chest.

"And you're happy at the V.A?" she asked. "You'll be happy there." It was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes."

"And you are happy with me."

"Yes."

"If you're sure."

"I am. I'm more sure of that than of anything." He paused for a moment, thinking and then looked at her. "How did John Lennon say it, _pools of sorrow, waves of joy_?"

She nodded.

He flashed his little sexy grin at her as he pulled her close once again, planning to hold her in his arms like this for as long as he lived. "I'm diggin' these waves."

FIN

* * *

Final A/N: To all the readers and reviewers who have stuck with me on this one, thanks so much! I know it took me a while (more than 2 years!) to finish, but I hope it was worth it for you. I know many have problems with the non-Reela-ness. I'm sorry! I had to do it. I still love Reela dearly and was more than ecstatic with the resolution of their story on the show. They gave us so much to work with, and there are so many amazing Reela writers here that I didn't feel _as_ bad about it.

There is a little game that I've embedded in the story, though, and I thought some of you may want to play. Each chapter title is either a song lyric or an adaption of a song lyric. Two songs are used twice, and one title uses two songs. If you want to try, you can leave info on a review or PM me. I'll let you know how many you get.

Thanks again for your continued interest in this story. Until next time!

bp


End file.
